My wife had an affair for over 2 years with her coworker. This is someone she brought around many times. I actually liked him too. Over the last few months she gaslighted me, had no remorse, told me she didn’t regret it, and didn’t own up to it.

When I filed for divorce she finally took me serious. She took lots of her and my personal belongings from our apartment. I have a video recording of this. We have a minor child.

After seeking counsel her attitude changed to being more civil. I believe I know why. She’s managed to save a small fortune during our short term marriage due to me paying a majority of the bills. In her response, she wants me to not touch her 401k, savings, pay alimony, pay her legal fees, get sole primary custody and child support.

I’m fine with CS (at the CA state calculations), because I make about 40k more than her. I haven’t contributed to my 401k because I was living paycheck to paycheck until recently when I caught a break and landed my current job. I have no savings and 2k in my 401k.

I estimate that I can get 20k from her 401k and another 10k from her savings. She says it’s vindictive of me to go after that since it’s hers but our entire relationship I struggled and asked her for financial help and she played the “I’m broke” card.

I can’t help but feel bad and part of me wants to not touch her 401k or savings to keep the peace. The other part of me wants to get 50/50 of everything because I didn’t cause this, her actions of having an affair for half the duration of our marriage did. I know many men/fathers that are screwed over with terms of divorce and I find myself being in a unique situation. (Shouldn’t be unique for a man/father to be on the receiving end of finances in a divorce).

I’m conflicted. I don’t necessarily NEED the finances now (although just 4 months ago I would have been struggling) but I think our marriage was unfair and one sided.

I don’t think I’m asking for much when I say I want 50/50 legal and physical custody, not pay alimony or lawyer fees. She makes 90k I make 130k in California. I’m iffy on going to trial out of not wanting to spend so much on lawyer fees and not wanting to risk less than 50/50 custody.

I’m waiting for discovery to see what exactly she is trying to protect. She mentioned not wanting me to see her financial statements. 100% she’s being civil out of trying to protect her finances.

I need advice. I feel I’m blind and have lost focus on how bad she hurt and betrayed me and responding with her wanting primary custody I feel is a slap to my face.

Update: This is exactly what I needed to hear. There’s no doubt if roles were reversed she’d come after everything. She has hidden finances from us our entire marriage and mentioned she doesn’t want me to see her statements. I didn’t ask for this, her actions caused this. Thank you for the reminder.