Got the obligatory "Your divorce is finalized!" Email today right before taking the kids to an activity. The ex and I still live together while we get the house ready to be sold. She found out a couple minutes after I did and tried to high five me. I backed up and just stared at her.

She then said "What? Our divorce is finalized, it's the best day of my life!"

I replied "I know the judge signed but I sure as hell don't want to celebrate with you"

And off I went with my kids. Got back a couple hours later and she had left. And here I am feeling relief. So here is what I learned after divorcing a woman with bipolar after over 15 years of marriage:

- Make a log, I chose to use Google forms. It may not be used in the divorce but having something to reference six months after some stupid shit happens and it gets thrown in your face can help keep your sanity when you are getting gaslit.

- If she says she is going to call the cops, get away from her, and use the time you have to calm down so that you can speak rationally to the police. Removing myself from her vicinity showed the cops I was deescalating and staying calm helped me relay the truth of what had happened. It's what kept me out of jail two separate times.

- She is not your wife any more. The faster you understand that, the better.

- Mediation is business. She had her lawyers convinced I was an abusive POS. They negotiated while my attorney advised me. Check your emotions at the door, build a spreadsheet with your finances so you know EXACTLY what your numbers are, figure out what you're willing to go to court for, and most importantly.. know when to walk away.

- 50/50 custody is not a negotiation. It is a standard unless you let it be otherwise. Make the sacrifice and be with your kid(s). She attempted to make it a negotiation, I laughed in the mediators face and said I was fully prepared to cause financial ruin to both of us for that fight. All that said, walk into mediation with a plan of how you will get your kids to/from school, activities, etc.

- Use a co-parenting app, if she won't use it.. don't communicate until she does. Court admissible messaging didn't change her behavior but I'm pretty sure it forced her attorney to give a few reality checks that helped me out.

- Never stop your enemy when they are making a mistake. Once I figured that out I was able to see her actions as log entries for mediation.

- Unless your friends have been through a high conflict divorce in your state.. their advice is near worthless the majority of the time. Things you do when not under a microscope are not the same as when you are.

- Divorce isn't fair. The more time you waste worrying about fairness the less time you have to fight for the important things.

- Divorce is lose lose. Accept it. Move forward.

What I learned may not be what someone else learned or experienced but after lurking for a year I felt I owed you all something because your stories and advice have helped me to stay calm when everything in my body screamed otherwise.

Thank you.