Help, when the ex is hostile

frankb33 · 2023-05-24T19:19:52+00:00

First, devise your own strategy with a lawyer or through your own research. Put your own mind at rest knowing what you are doing and how you’re going to go about your divorce. You cannot rely on the other person to be rational right now. I made this mistake thinking at some point she would stop with the lies and gaslighting and it’s still happening to this day.

I’ll probably get downvoted for this, but chat GPT has been a godsend in helping me come up with a plan of attack. 1. Because it not only knows the applicable laws and what is and isn’t divisible in a divorce but 2. you can also prompt it act like a defense attorney and come up with counter arguments in order for you to refine your plan. Of course only a good attorney knows what the judge is going to ultimately decide, but right now, knowledge is power and I think chat GPT is a great way to inform yourself of your rights and how to devise a plan.

RideATX · 2023-05-24T19:17:57+00:00

Avoid/Ignore her and have as little contact as possible. Go through Lawyer and set sail for trial ASAP. Because of your net worth it's going to cost you a lot of money because the ex is unreasonable. If you were an empty bag then the lawyers wouldn't entertain her nonsense, but because you can pay they will indulge her.

wisstinks4 · 2023-05-24T23:01:26+00:00

If hostile toward you, all comms. go though lawyer. Any hostile toward children, she loses parental rights. All hostile bullshit has consequences.

Flip the script. If it were a man being hostile, the woman would claim abuse and be given the gold coast of Australia.

Always Protect yourself and your children. Be safe.

RuRu_1999 · 2023-05-24T19:04:31+00:00

Have you considered a parenting app?

jimsmythee · 2023-05-24T19:36:42+00:00

I had the same problem with my high-conflict exwife. During divorce?

Only deal with her via text.

Each time she calls up, as soon as the first curse word hits? I hang up.

Each time she asks me a question but then interrupts me? I hang up.

I texted her that each time she cursed at me, or interrupted me, I would hang up.

It never really worked, it was just part of her personality. But it was fun to hang up on her. Have her call back and scream "stop F$*#&*g Hanging up on me! And.." I hung up again and again.

Anytime she was unreasonable about assets? I just told her, "This is going to go nowhere, I will see you in court."

dnbndnb · 2023-05-25T01:52:07+00:00

If you’re still living together I’d have a VAR on all the time. Catch every crazy word in case she calls the cops on you with false charges.

As to not working with you, dragging the clock to be well past 10 years in CA in her favor. Your only bargaining chip is to text her the following:

“Everything we cannot agree to on our own goes thru the lawyers. Every hour of their combined time is $600 (I’m guessing here, prolly more). If you think you’re punishing me by running up the bills keep in mind in CA you get 1/2 of what’s left. So you’re punishing yourself at the same time. 10 hours of lawyer time is $3000 from your pocket. I believe despite the circumstances there are areas of agreement we can hash out either in person or back & forth by text to expedite this process and not pay money for things we can work out together. How about it?”

The_Bearded_Cyclist · 2023-05-24T21:10:58+00:00

Only communicate with her via text and grey rock her. Plain and simple, ignore her and go love your life,

captainchippsixx · 2023-05-24T22:14:44+00:00

Do you have any informations/ leverage against her?

Is there any threats in the emails?

Motor-Connection5608 · 2023-05-24T22:54:03+00:00

Cali - 12 years - she is gonna get 50% and the 10 year alimony mark is in play. You are gonna get hosed on the money and assets just being in CA - sorry bro, I think this is gonna be expensive for ya :(

If she is off her rocker, start documenting everything she sends ya - need to try and prove she is unhinged and this may help with the kiddos

Ptsdveterannavy · 2023-05-25T03:07:13+00:00

Bro, you have a toxic Ex, grey rock her!! You both been married so long that she knows the buttons to push you, she's pushing you to get the worst out of you to prove you have anger issues and she claim her and the kids are afraid of you. Understand these simple words regardless of what she says to you. " Ok" that's all you need to respond to damn near everything is "Ok" that's called grey rocking. Don't engage in back and forth arguments. Strictly communicate on a parenting app that's court ordered and court monitored.

Feinixaway · 2023-05-25T04:11:04+00:00

How to communicate with someone who hates you?

Research BIFF. Brief Informative Friendly Firm. Don't show emotions.

Do not respond to hostile accusations. I made a rule to wait 2 days before responding to crazy shit. After 2 days it didn't bother me as much. The urge to hit back went away.

Don't talk, use email only.

How do I avoid spending a fortune on legal fees when everything is contested?

Unfortunately that depends on your ex. It helps having a good lawyer.

What compromises should I consider to expedite a settlement?

Figure out what's important to her. If she has a boyfriend she will want to move quickly. For example a parenting schedule to match his. Take advantage of her being distracted. Then you can compromise on something that's important to her for something you want instead.

The division of illiquid assets.

Get appraisals done.

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2023-05-25T04:44:26+00:00

She will not trust anything you have to say on the issues. Remember 50-50 is considered a win by men and a loss by women.

Get it set for trial as soon as possible. A trial date creates pressure for a settlement agreement.

CommanderOfCheese45 · 2023-05-25T16:27:25+00:00

How to communicate with someone who hates you?

Grey Rock -- zero response, zero emotion, if it's not direct actionable who/what/when/where/why for you to do, ignore it. Ignore rants. Don't bother defending against accusations to her.

BIFF responses -- "Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm." Any time you respond (and only respond to specific, actionable stuff like pickup/dropoff, pay for this item), use those principles.

Brief: Say no more than what needs to be said. One sentence consisting of who, what, when and where. Leave off 'why' unless they ask, and even keep the 'why' brief.
Informative: Every word you say should be something directly actionable. No feelings, no filler, no pleasantries, no tangents -- just the specific who, what, when, where for what you're doing that they specifically need to know about or for what they need to do.
Friendly: Check your wording. No hostility. Nothing for them to latch on to and start an unrelated argument on.
Firm: Again, check your wording. No 'weasel' words like "could you" or "it would be nice if" or anything else that makes them think it could be a negotiation or optional request.

How do I avoid spending a fortune on legal fees when everything is contested?

You're going to spend something. It's unavoidable. It's either spend on a lawyer or pay in additional assets and support. A good lawyer is cheaper in the long run.

You get a good lawyer, and you aim to set a trial date and not try to negotiate a settlement without a speedy trial date as a backdrop for it.

What compromises should I consider to expedite a settlement

You don't compromise on 50/50 custody. If she's going to contest 50/50 and demand full custody for herself, you demand full custody for yourself and 50/50 is the compromise you 'settle' on.

You don't give her a penny more than 50% of the assets. You pick "stupid" battles over stuff you don't care about and ultimately let her "win" those, because for her it's not a game of actually getting stuff, it's a game of feeling like she's hurt you, and by letting her feel like she's won, you can walk away with what you actually want.

You might compromise on exactly how the assets are distributed. Choices between who gets the house and the other one gets bought out, or you sell the house and divide the proceeds equally, or one gets the house and the other gets monetary assets equal to the value of the house (i.e. if you've got enough in your retirement account to buy a whole new equivalent house, let her have the house and you get the whole retirement account and she gets none of it). Again, decide what you actually want, and start "stupid" battles over some other aspect that you don't care about so she can feel like she got what she wanted, while you get what you want.

Consideration for a special needs child

... well crap. That's going to be the hardest thing, period.

Adventurous_Tie_4464 · 2023-05-26T15:22:03+00:00

I dealt with the same. Set a trial date. If your attorney wants to negotiate tell them not until we set a trial date. If I could live my life over I would file and set a trial date. I did 8 months in the marital home waiting to get a parenting plan in place and honestly feel I have some sort of PTSD from the experience. False accusations, cryptic notes left around the house, taking down my family photos. Set a trial date, contact your local police department about your fear of false allegations, document everything, have a recorder on your person at all times and pull it out if she starts in on you. Do not argue with her and walk away from any conflict. Get a trial date or this could go on for years.

sentrybot619 · 2023-05-25T04:04:19+00:00

I wear a body camera when dealing with her in person. I keep two GoPros in my car in case I need to set something up. All communication goes through Our Family Wizard. I record any video calls I have with my kids.

Case in point: ex tried to claim I followed her home after we exchanged the kids and that she felt unsafe and had to wait for me to 'leave the premises' before she could go into her home.

Even had her attorney draw up a threatening letter and send it to the GAL. The hilarious joy I had sending the GAL the dash cam video I had of me totally not going stopping at the house and quickly proving she made it all up was.... really nice.

We even used the video to confront her about making shit up at her most recent deposition. After grilling her about it my attorney said 'is it possible you just made it all up?', and moved on with her sulking knowing she looked like a crazy person.

Small_Quarter_3673 · 2023-05-25T13:30:25+00:00

She doesn't want to talk to you for a big reason like she has someone in her ear telling her not to. Don't email her anything she can use against you but you can try to reach her through friends or family or go to her job like most women do.

Strange-Tip-1897 · 2023-05-25T19:27:08+00:00

Some might say “Don’t leave the house” but if your ex is this hostile, you need an alternative living situation. Close contact in private settings is setting yourself up for a DV allegation. As for contact and communication, everything needs to have a paper trail. No phone calls, no talking in person, only through text, email, a lawyer, or, ideally, through an app like Talking Parents.

upvotersfortruth · 2023-05-26T10:10:26+00:00

I was a divorce lawyer and took divorce coaching classes when I was stuck in Florida during the pandemic. It taught me a lot from the client's perspective that I didn't pick up during my own divorce, which was kind of weird.

From my own experience as a lawyer, cases don't settle until they're "ready". If the anger level is too high, if they're captured by their lawyer who just wants to keep them riled up, if they decide to go scorched earth, there's not really all that much you can do except minimize your responses and legal costs. No compromises will bring settlement unless she believe she's really hurting you. Because that's what she wants to do, perhaps over all else.

In trying to figure out how to get through to her (which you may not be able to do), you need to view the divorce from her perspective. In terms of communication, even the most hostile of communications, if you look at them carefully - are communicating something besides hate and anger - you need to be very clinical in reading them and only respond to the positive while ignoring the negative. So pushing logic and rationality to her is going to fall on deaf ears. My personal theory is that cases don't settle until both parties can feel empathy for one another again.

From the litigation perspective, the key is to get them to make an offer. And no matter what it is, it's progress. If they won't send one, get the case on the trial track. You'll spend more than a quick settlement of course, but less than burning hours and hours of legal fees trying to force someone into a settlement they're not ready for. If you're going to make an offer, don't make a super reasonable one - zero sum games like divorce result in positional bargaining so you need some chips to throw in. Being reasonable from day one makes you a sucker.

"Special needs" is a pretty broad classification. It all depends on who's going to be primary caregiver and how long will it be - will they ever be able to live on their own? And this can also be a source of resentment, built up over years and coming out now along with every other mistake you've made over the years.

Just gotta weather some of the storm and push things forward with the court if negotiation is failing or non-existent.

Title	Help, when the ex is hostile
Author	outsideofaustin
Upvotes	5
Comments	26
Date	May 24, 2023 6:59 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/13qubov/help_when_the_ex_is_hostile/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/help-when-the-ex-is-hostile.1220221 https://theredarchive.com/post/1220221

Comments