How is custody determined?

bizbunch · 2026-01-06T13:11:37+00:00

Mass judges really try to have 50/50 and no cpurt would agree to what she is suggesting. Don't discuss any of this with her. Unfortunately she has proven she is now your opponent. I would be very careful, have any discussions in writing, ideally email or a parenting app like Appclose.

Feel free to dm me, I am in Mass and just went through a terrible divorce where my wife tries Silver bullet, everything she could. I still ended up 50/50 custody and she had to pay out a chunk of home equity and has 6 months to refinance the house on her own or it goes on the market.

Based on what you already shared and her delusional thinking be extremely careful. I never imagined how far my ex would go or lie on official court documents about easily disproved things.

Hang tough and fight for your future and kids.

Vokenhagen21 · 2026-01-06T02:37:30+00:00

Your wife may truly believe that, and you telling her otherwise will be an afront to her. You contact a lawyer, because they will tell you what the law says and likely outcomes. May I ask, if you are having crazy arguments every day why do you think this will be amicable? When your wife learns what the law says she will get, and you won't agree to her terms, it will no longer be amicable.

You should also be asking a lawyer how to protect yourself from a temporary restraining order. You can read all about it on this sub how those are used in divorce cases. The "crazy arguments" need to stop from your end, and you need to start recording your interactions with her. There were no crazy arguments in my case until we tried to come up "amicably" with what divorce would look like. Started at 50/50 and then after a month devolved into 80/20. A few months later i was served with my first TRO. Maybe unintentionally, but this is why OctinoxateAndZinc mentioned the steps he did, because he is correct and that is how you protect yourself.

Common_Grass_6230 · 2026-01-06T00:49:34+00:00

Brother, her version of how this plays out where you're "allowed to visit"your own kids in your own house while she stays put and you fund everything, isn't how custody works, that's how being demoted to a guest in your own life works. Massachusetts defaults to shared legal custody and encourages shared physical custody unless there's a serious reason not to, and courts absolutely do not look kindly on one parent unilaterally deciding the other gets "visitation"while they keep the house and kids. The fact that she's already mentally moved you out while you're making 2x her income tells me she either doesn't understand how divorce actually works or she's hoping you don't - either way, if this heads toward separation, document everything now (your involvement with the kids, financial contributions, her statements about kicking you out) and consult a Massachusetts family law attorney before you agree to anything or move out, because the temporary arrangements you make during separation often become the permanent custody arrangement. Don't let guilt or conflict avoidance trick you into accepting a setup where you become a visitor to your own children... that's not co-parenting, that's surrendering your rights because she's already decided the outcome in her head.

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2026-01-05T19:56:39+00:00

Massachusetts is one of the few remaining states where 50/50 is not the default. The judge will decide what is in the best interests of the child.

In these types of states you get yourself a lawyer or you will be screwed as the father. Your stbxw's lawyer will use everything they can to paint you as an unfit parent to get full custody.

Do not fuck around and go for at least 50/50.

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2026-01-05T18:12:53+00:00

Very emotional day so sorry for the scattered posting but any advice would be much appreciated

You need to understand your ability to think is shot to hell. You will NOT be making good long term choices. You're in panic mode. THIS IS NORMAL. But the fact you KNOW you're not thinking right, you're a leg up there.

First, As others have said you need a lawyer. DO NOT TELL HER YOU ARE DOING THIS. You need to get educated - find out your rights, responsibilities, outcomes, and obligations (for both of you).

She is under the impression that if we did split the kids would stay in the house and I’d be allowed to visit as often as I want and we would still take family vacations together..funny how she is already kicked me out of my own house in her head when I make 2x what she does

Second, DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME. Once you're out she has ZERO reason to fast track anything and will drag things out. You will be gone and she will still demand access to your income, benefits, and help with kids/life. None of what she is thinking is reasonable or will happen.

Third, Custody today, barring any insanity, is going to be 50/50. Your state has a child support calculator. Use it. MAKE PEACE WITH THE NUMBER. Remember its for your kids and not her. Child support AND custody is based on OVERNIGHTS. 50/50 is 183/182. If you're only visiting that is 0/365.

Fourth, Do NOT tell her how things work here or outcomes.

IF we filed that’s how my wife think things will go

Anything you tell her will be deemed BS and when it comes to pass she WILL resent you for being right. As much as you would LOVE to telll her how her life will change for the worse, DO NOT. Seriously, SHUT UP. Some of the expense of my divorce came from tipping my hand too soon and her being pissed when I was proven correct.

We aren’t close to filing and for now when we talk I do tell her I don’t wanna disturb the kids but doesn’t seem realistic

Until someone files this is just a fight. Again, LAWYER - they will help you figure things out. Interview a few. Pay in cash only if you must. You do not have to pick the first person.

Also had kids, retained my house, have 50/50, there is CS, retirement was in play, So I can answer questions on that and mroe if you have any. Would love to save someoen time/money/stress.

Litelifer386 · 2026-01-05T17:04:03+00:00

Fight for 50/50, if that’s what you want. You don’t have to believe everything she says or blindly go along with it. Time to think about you, and what’s best for your kids. Be strategic and selective with what you say going forward.

Upstairs-Pizza-1843 · 2026-01-05T16:53:23+00:00

Get into counseling and see if you can fix your marriage. Find out why you have disconnected, and evaluate your future with half the resources that you now have, including the loss of the home and the expense of maintaining 2 residences on the same resources. Grok can tell you what custody outcomes and asset divisions are possible in your state.

jimsmythee · 2026-01-05T16:45:55+00:00

It is a CON job. “Me and the kids will stay in the house and ex husband can come and visit them anytime he wants to.” She gets maximum CS, and she gets a better case for alimony.

Then as soon as you’re gone, she files a restraining order against you. And you have no custody order in place.

My exwife tried that too. I said “no, 50/50 custody.” Judge ruled in my favor. 50/50 custody, $0 alimony for her.

divorcery · 2026-01-05T16:10:32+00:00

If both of you can reach an amicable agreement, with or without the help of a collaborative divorce lawyer, you can submit it to the Court and the court is likely to accept it. Including assets and the parenting plan. This is beneficial to both of you, if you can pull it off, because it avoids litigation and trial.

After you have a parenting plan legally in place, then you can move out. If you leave the house before a parenting plan is formally approved by the Court, then you open the possibility for the other party to initiate litigation and pursue primary custody by claiming that you abandoned the kids.

Ok-Anything-3605 · 2026-01-05T16:08:33+00:00

If it’s ‘amicable’, use a mediating attorney. It sucks, give yourself time to think and grieve accordingly.

UrAristotle · 2026-01-05T16:01:50+00:00

You need to consult a lawyer ASAP.

I’m in Texas. A friend of mine in Massachusetts went through a divorce, and I was constantly surprised by what he was having to do. If you make 2x her income, you’re probably looking at some sort of spousal support. If you can’t come to a 50/50 custody agreement, the courts will likely give her primary custody, which will also mean child support.

My kids’ mom and I did a collaborative divorce that allowed us to determine the custody schedule. You need something you can both live with in writing. We very often modify it on mutual consent because that’s how life works. But you need the document to help mitigate circumstances when you don’t agree.

My kids’ mom initially had some sort of ideas about some utopian agreement. But then she also wanted to make sure she got paid. Needless to say, we won’t be vacationing together.

Delicious-Curious · 2026-01-05T15:58:29+00:00

Most states are 50/50 unless there are some awful things going on with one parent. I can’t seem to get my wife to understand that her idea to divorce will lead to her not seeing our kids half the year. And that she’s forcing me to lose access half the year. Sigh.

Good luck. And yes move back in.

obiwanfatnobi · 2026-01-05T15:53:09+00:00

Hire a lawyer and move back in. You should have never left your house.

Hire

A

Lawyer

Title	How is custody determined?
Author	allstonguy1011
Upvotes	3
Comments	31
Date	January 5, 2026 3:44 PM UTC (6 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1q4p38b/how_is_custody_determined/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-is-custody-determined.1570484 https://theredarchive.com/post/1570484

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