I came out

North_Bottle9071 · 2024-11-23T23:37:29+00:00

Good move, man. And truly happy it's going amicably.

MasterKevLM · 2024-11-20T21:02:51+00:00

I am not failing to realise anything! You assume a lot in your comment. Yes, I lied. Yes, I am the asshole. Yes, I hurt her.

What I dont say in the post is the hours' worth of conversations we've had since I told her. I do listen and support her. We're working through this like adults. Best not to assume what others say, think or do.

I am to blame and I acknowledge that I caused pain. We are working through it together. Each getting a chance to say how they feel and get validated.

MasterKevLM · 2024-11-20T21:03:05+00:00

I am not failing to realise anything! You assume a lot in your comment. Yes, I lied. Yes, I am the asshole. Yes, I hurt her.

What I dont say in the post is the hours' worth of conversations we've had since I told her. I do listen and support her. We're working through this like adults. Best not to assume what others say, think or do.

I am to blame and I acknowledge that I caused pain. We are working through it together. Each getting a chance to say how they feel and get validated.

MasterKevLM · 2024-11-20T21:04:02+00:00

I am not failing to realise anything! You assume a lot in your comment. Yes, I lied. Yes, I am the asshole. Yes, I hurt her.

What I dont say in the post is the hours' worth of conversations we've had since I told her. I do listen and support her. We're working through this like adults. Best not to assume what others say, think or do.

I am to blame and I acknowledge that I caused pain. We are working through it together. Each getting a chance to say how they feel and get validated.

MasterKevLM · 2024-11-20T21:04:21+00:00

I am not failing to realise anything! You assume a lot in your comment. Yes, I lied. Yes, I am the asshole. Yes, I hurt her.

What I dont say in the post is the hours' worth of conversations we've had since I told her. I do listen and support her. We're working through this like adults. Best not to assume what others say, think or do.

I am to blame and I acknowledge that I caused pain. We are working through it together. Each getting a chance to say how they feel and get validated.

Optimal-Rub9643 · 2024-11-21T18:02:55+00:00

What do you mean "came out", like came out of your shell to become more confident? or came out from the darkness

E52141 · 2024-11-21T03:55:55+00:00

Oof! You're taking an awful big chance hoping to find love when you have someone right in front of you that obviously loves you for exactly who you are. Did you guys talk about opening the marriage? Exploring sexually? I know being gay is a lot more than just sexual preference but man; with so many of us out here struggling to find love and a lasting relationship, it feels like you're trading in exactly that to go back to dating in a world you have little to no experience in.

I'm glad you're happy, as short lived as it may be. Congrats! And good luck!

Ok_Night_6518 · 2024-11-21T02:17:24+00:00

I have been in your shoes. I just finalized my divorce a few months ago but filed last year. The difference is, I told my now ex-wife before we started dating that I thought I was at least bisexual, but had questioned it my whole life. She acted like it was no big deal. In hindsight, I think she thought she could fix me. She thought if she controlled me and kept me doing whatever she wanted that I would just fall in line. We would have divorced regardless of my realization that I was gay, but it’s still been tough.

mensmentorizs · 2024-11-20T15:58:16+00:00

Congratulations for standing in the truth of who you are. It takes great courage, and may you go on to live enjoyable years with your true identity. An inspiring story for others here I'm sure!

zingerhohodingdong · 2024-11-20T07:34:29+00:00

Fuck the haters here. You are not alone. I'm 9 weeks post divorce after coming out gay to my wife of 32 years. We loved each other well, raised 3 kids, planned a future, and I just couldn't pretend to be straight any longer. There's any number of reasons that made being gay a non-viable option back in the day. None of the haters here were with us to see and understand that coming out then was not an option. All we had available was to get married to a woman, buy a house, raise kids, live the dream. And we did the best we could. And now we can't any longer. And that's ok. Everyone is going to come out on the other side ok. If anyone is to blame in this situation, it's our society, our churches, our families of origins, our friend networks. We did the only things we knew to do at the time. That doesn't make our marriages or the lives we lived fathering our children a lie. It just means that our lives are complicated, and we are on a path toward living a fuller, more authentic life than we have in the past. I salute you for the courage it has taken to make these changes in your life.

SignificantExample41 · 2024-11-20T06:22:57+00:00

this is just tough. for everyone. we’ve all convinced ourselves that something is true with the stakes being far lower. i understand not wanting to blow up your life over something you aren’t sure about.

you did the right thing in owning it and making a change. i’m coming out of a reverse situation, of 25 years.

you did fuck over some of her best years, but you say they were not wasted years and you were both happy.

i cannot tell you how common it is, to the point of cliche, for middle age women to do the exact same thing and decide they want to be with a woman. it’s just less common when it’s a man.

do a deep dive of your sexuality. it is not …binary… it’s not a true or a false. sexuality is a spectrum. because you haven’t explored that side of yourself, being with guys may feel like the most important thing in the world to you. but you may find not long after going that route it’s not the end all be all. i’m not talking about a fulfilling one nighter on grindr - im talking about an actual relationship.

you’ll never get back together with your wife. that bridge was burned. but strive towards the goal of truly understanding who you are, and which sex a couple years from now ultimately feels right for a long term relationship.

you did wrong, but you didn’t do as wrong as some of these comments. if we all knew everything about ourselves straight from the get go - pun intended - none of us would even be here in this sub.

go easy on yourself, go easier on her, get into therapy, SPEND TIME WITH GUYS and make sure the reality isn’t different from the fantasy, and report back in a year or two.

Ladiesman94952 · 2024-11-20T05:17:14+00:00

What do you want... an award ?

Federal-Anywhere8200 · 2024-11-20T05:03:57+00:00

Calm down, Jesus.. Everyone who’s so upset needs to take a step back and breathe. This situation doesn’t directly affect you, so there’s no need for this level of outrage. The only reason some of you feel so strongly is that this involves a gay guy. Think about how many men and women have knowingly entered marriages despite being unable to commit to monogamy, only to cheat and eventually divorce their spouses. This is no different. The outrage here is fueled by prejudice, not principle. Might be worth reflecting on your own lives and addressing the challenges you face rather than fixating so intensely on someone else’s

Commercial_Music_931 · 2024-11-20T04:41:42+00:00

Extremely fked up you burned the prime of her life because you couldn't be honest with her or yourself. You legit wasted the best years of her life and should seriously feel shitty about that.

Glad your out and feel free. But what you did to her is horrific dude and the stuff of absolute nightmares.

Go live your best life. Find happiness again with a partner that is of your liking and maybe find peace. But dammit you better pray/whatever/send vibes hoping that she can find that same type of peace with someone.

pythonsweb · 2024-11-20T04:30:19+00:00

Congratulations! You completely ruined her life by not only lying to your self for 13 years but lying to the person who dedicated their life to you and trusted her future to you. You took 13 years from her that she will never get back as well as given her significant trauma where she probably will not be able to trust anyone again and will definitely affect her future relationships. And you also got a month of complete confusion for her probably stressing and wondering what she did wrong for the entire month before you actually came clean. Wonder how many scenarios played in her head about why you are filing and what did she do wrong. Again Congratulations, you should be proud of yourself!

MonarchistExtreme · 2024-11-20T04:28:02+00:00

I feel sorry for your wife, that's gotta be confusing for her. I'm sure she wishes she hadn't invested 13 years of her life in someone who mislead her.

AirSailer · 2024-11-20T04:06:34+00:00

Congrats on finally being honest with yourself. Frankly, this will probably be a relief to her as well.

That being said, you have been lying to her for more than a decade, so if you're getting an amicable divorce from her you should count yourself lucky.

Own_Chemist_2600 · 2024-11-20T04:03:51+00:00

I'm so happy for you both. Self discovery is a part of life. Even in loving and passionate marriages, terrible things happen. If you have been kind to one another for years there is nothing wasted... thinking about our lives as sub optimal situations is not the way. If you are amicably divorcing, I think that means you have been good to each other. Good job being honest with yourself. Good job being honest with her. Both of your lives just took a tremendous upgrade.

I know many people who have been married for decades, who treat each other as immutable. Who treat each other the best way they know how.... and either through alcoholism or malcoping, or just downright ruthlessness, savage each other into hellish misery.... And the next day they pull themselves together and agree to keep moving forward.

cschoonmaker · 2024-11-20T03:53:45+00:00

You not only lied to yourself, you lied to her. For 13 years no less. I get that it's a hard thing to come to terms with and probably even harder to come out to anyone. But in this instance, my sympathy goes to her.

Jake_Barnes_ · 2024-11-20T03:49:00+00:00

I can’t imagine what she must be feeling like. To know her marriage was a lie. There’s nothing lower than this. Basically frauding someone of years of their life.

lamentforanation · 2024-11-20T03:05:16+00:00

Congrats. That must be/have been hard. Best of luck to the both of you.

CulturedGentleman921 · 2024-11-20T03:00:58+00:00

Good luck, sir!

Title	I came out
Author	MasterKevLM
Upvotes	16
Comments	67
Date	November 20, 2024 2:58 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1gvfo75/i_came_out/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-came-out.1536321 https://theredarchive.com/post/1536321

Comments