I'm devastated

Hoosier_Juggler_42 · 2026-06-10T06:44:43+00:00

My wife wants a divorce after 11 years, and I am devastated. I have not been a perfect husband, but I've acknowledged at least some of my mistakes, attempted to make amends for them, and, critically, not repeated them. My wife has never admitted ANY mistakes. She discontinued the services of two marriage therapists after their first constructive criticism of her behavior.

So, I knew she was a narcissist and decided I could deal with that. I was so wrong. She used me as a sperm donor. In explaining why she wants out, she keeps saying things like "we were never right together" and "this was a long time coming". But we have 3 kids together, and they were all IVF! We had a decent sex life (at least the first few years) but we met in our late 30s and our health insurance covered most of the cost, so we froze embryos to negate the risk of birth defects, which rise exponentially with the age of the mother's eggs.

Our youngest is 2 years old. My wife thought the marriage was doomed when she convinced (pleaded and pleasured) me to sign the legal consent to transfer that frozen embryo into her uterus. I love my daughter with all my heart, and it's devastating to know both that I will never see her on a daily basis again, and that she was created under a veil of deceit. I thought bringing her to life was a recommitment to the marriage. But it was just my narcissist wife loving pregnancy and babies. As a person, I wasn't a factor.

My wife already has a new man. He makes 3 times as much money as I do. My wife asked for a divorce one month after I was laid off from a long-term job. Love is blind, and I am a fool.

Westchesterguy4468 · 2026-05-18T22:17:21+00:00

Not sure if this post is in the right conversation, but here goes. Been married 17 years, no cheating, monkey-branching here, but just simply got dumped. My wife and I can't connect emotionally because we are different than when we first met. What bothers me is that she can't accept me as I am and just go with it. I'm not perfect, but who is. She wants me to be perfect. She doesn't just want me to do the dishes, she wants me to want to do the dishes. I'm a good man, good provider, good father. Faithful, honest, fair, helpful. She can't stand it when we disagree on something, but she doesn't think it's ever her fault. I still love her, can't stand the thought of growing old alone. Feel like a failure some times. Yet, I don't think it was my fault.

Smart-Incident3403 · 2026-04-16T21:59:38+00:00

My ex has had a boyfriend for three months. We divorced four and half months ago, and separated six months. We were married for SIXTEEN years.

I feel so discarded. I feel like she threw away 16 years so she could feel butterflies and new relationship energy.

Livid_Cabinet_9197 · 2026-04-16T19:52:36+00:00

Women move on mentally and emotionally waaaaaay before they physically move on (in terms of relationships). If she’s already with someone else, chances are she’s been planning this for a while. Perhaps even acting on it. I know mine was.

Side note: Take a look at the female equivalent of this page, I took a quick glance earlier and probably 6/10 posts were happy or excited, talking about what they won.

Now look at this page for men again, rarely are we happy about divorce. At least not immediately after.

I believe most of those women have a safety net already established before divorce.

amblix · 2026-04-16T17:07:39+00:00

Damn your story sounds almost exactly like mine, except I’m in her boat and there’s one extra child and she had an affair before we started the divorce process. I guess that made it a lot easier to move on, they’re broken up now and she seems like she’s in a rut while my new relationship has been amazing for the past year.

Don’t let her life effect your anymore, focus on improving yourself, getting out more. She’s moved on, so you’re free to as well. There’s literally zero point in dredging in the past, it has no effect on your future relationships. Everything you did for or with her will be completely different with someone else (hopefully).

Mission-Republic1371 · 2026-04-16T16:32:18+00:00

I am in same lonely worried situation after 21 year marriage and kids 17 yo, can not agree on settlement and the wife makes 3x my income and refuses alimony and I don’t want to go to trial and hope her nasty bulldog attorney understands I cannot pay support and extreme extra curricular and the court costs and legal fees may be out of site. I am frozen in fear and dread

Economy_Plan4976 · 2026-04-16T15:00:59+00:00

I am in the same situation with some changes. Been together for 13 years, we have two kids under 6. we separated last year. I tried the no contact for more than 6 months. It didn't work. Now we have a good co parenting relationship. However, I miss her, I still love her and want my family back. We spit the kid 50/50. I missed them so much when they are not with me. But there is nothing I can do, she seems like she good on her own. I tried to move on, but there is a part of me that still want my family back. I have been depressed since last year. Stay strong. Hopefully it gets better for you.

peanut0929 · 2026-04-16T14:32:36+00:00

Thank you all for your responses. They mean so much, I'll try and reflect on your perspectives. Thank yall for reaching out and seeing me.

Tvelt17 · 2026-04-16T14:22:54+00:00

Realistically, she had been moving on for awhile. It was all fresh to you, but she had been thinking about it for a long time.

A year seems pretty reasonable.

Candidate_Worldly · 2026-04-16T13:20:24+00:00

I was 26 years together 13 married, when she up and left when life got hard. No affairs, abuse, addiction. 2 years since she left this July. The first year I was broken.

Give up trying to make sense of it. Once you let go of logically trying to figure it out, life gets easier.

Also break all contact apart from the kids.Tell her nothing. She is dead to you now.

Believe me going no contact will speed up the healing process. I tried for a year to keep a door open. Don't make my mistake.

Also don't get married again.

CowBoyDanIndie · 2026-04-16T10:55:28+00:00

Stop trying to make sense of it, stop trying to understand her, there is nothing to understand that will help you. Focus your energy on the future. What are you doing today? What are you doing this weekend and next week? What are your plans and goals for the next year? Where do you want to be in 5 years? What changes can you make today to stabilize and move towards the path that gets you where you want to be? Focus on a stable routine first, then work towards the future you want.

TeddyPSmith · 2026-04-16T10:28:30+00:00

Is it possible that women don’t really bond as deeply to their partner as men do? It really does feel that way. Or maybe I’m just living in an echo chamber? My experience has always been that I’m left holding the bag while they just bop away to the next guy like we never happened

thraxx171 · 2026-04-16T09:30:44+00:00

The pain and trauma you’re feeling is real, and I’m really sorry you’re going through this.

Try not to jump to the conclusion that you’re going to end up alone. It might feel like that right now, but this moment doesn’t define your future. Also, don’t be too quick to blame yourself — relationships are rarely that one-sided.

Sometimes it can feel like the other person has been emotionally checked out for a while, and you’re only just catching up to it. That doesn’t make it your fault, it just means you were still trying.

If it helps, you could look up Rachel Sloan on YouTube, she explains a lot of these dynamics in a way that’s pretty relatable.

Right now though, the priority is you. Focus on healing, even if it’s slow and messy. Talk to people, don’t bottle it up, you’re not meant to carry all of this on your own.

It sucks, no way around that. I’m going through something similar, so I get how heavy it can feel. But it does get better with time.

Hang in there.

nomohydro · 2026-04-16T07:29:22+00:00

Worst pain of my life, Loved her so much.

Been doing nature walks and meeting people also some youtube. Helps.

Going camping soon so I can be badass again lol.

Il_Valentino · 2026-04-16T05:57:39+00:00

13 years is so long and she's moved on already?

they always divorce when they have already moved on and have another partner in line. it's called monkey branching and a real thing.

It's constantly nagging me and I can't stop it. In my mind I know this shouldn't matter. Divorce is divorce and I've kinda accepted I'm going to be alone.

it's nagging you because you still rely on outside validation. don't make your self-image depended on other people.

I feel so confused, lost, and betrayed?

you are confused because you believed in a lie that simply conflicts with reality.

you feel lost because you relied on that lie.

you feel betrayed because, let's be frank, you kinda did get betrayed. (though you should have known better)

I'm not the type to share my internal drama with the world but I was scared of keeping this one in.

it's ok. you are always welcome.

DarthDad25 · 2026-04-16T05:34:55+00:00

Listen brother. The truth is, eventually her or you were going to find someone new. Odds are, if she met a new man two years after divorce you would still feel this same way. So the time doesn’t matter. Her “moving on” is the natural part of divorce. You go separate ways. How quickly she moves on has nothing to do with you and it’s not a reflection of your value.

Here the harder truth- people who monkey branch from one relationship to the next hardly ever find success. After a failed long term relationship, you both displayed flaws and contributed to the breakdown of the marriage. It’s never 100% the fault of only one person. The people who quickly “move on” and jump into new relationships aren’t taking the time to reflect and see where they failed as a partner. They don’t do the work on themselves. They don’t heal. Odds are, your ex will carrythe same issues and traumas into her new relationship.

You, on the other hand, are taking it slow. You’re recovering. You’re healing. You’re reflecting, and hopefully your next step is becoming a better version of yourself! This will lead to a much higher chance of success in your next relationship. You’re leveling up while your ex is moving laterally.

Keep your head up. Live your life with dignity, honor, and truth. That’s all you can control. Most importantly, learn to be self sufficient on your own. You don’t need a partner to be happy. Find your inner strength and happiness. Find your masculinity, and own it! Then, when you do get out into the social scene and date again, you’ll find a newer and better woman who is on your elevated level. Trust the process.

Rportilla · 2026-04-16T05:09:55+00:00

they’re hardwire like that ig and there’s always going to be someone waiting to take that spot

rdwrer_711 · 2026-04-16T05:00:50+00:00

Sorry man, go to therapy. It's her life, try to live you best life. It's sad when those we love don't love us the same, but it's life.

Keep your head up. Be a good Dad and do things that make you happy.

Title	I'm devastated
Author	peanut0929
Upvotes	32
Comments	45
Date	April 16, 2026 4:32 AM UTC (3 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1smtc5k/im_devastated/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/im-devastated.1578070 https://theredarchive.com/post/1578070

Comments