It wasn’t supposed to be like this

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2025-06-17T17:26:08+00:00

50/50 is the default in most states. Don't sweat it. If you cannot line up care for your kids while you are at work then change jobs.

rhino1979 · 2025-06-17T12:20:46+00:00

What she says isn’t the law. Keep fighting!

Euphoric_Paramedic33 · 2025-06-17T08:04:19+00:00

Update. Spoke with an attorney and it doesn’t seem to be an option for true 50/50. One parent ends up being custodial and there is visiting. After hearing that I broke. Got drunk and caused a lot of friends and family to worry, may have ruined a relationship I cherish. I’m spiraling. I should have just stayed with her and been miserable for the next 30 years. Now I’m it’s looking like not only am I going barely see my kids, I’m going to end up paying child support All because I was unhappy

Unusual_University14 · 2025-06-17T04:45:39+00:00

My current wife has an ex husband who is a firefighter. 1 day on, 2 days off, and they have 50-50. Depending on what state you are in (see: https://www.custodyxchange.com/topics/research/dads-custody-time-by-state.php ), her opinions of your schedule are irrelevant.

The only control is what you let her have.

JasonInNJ · 2025-06-17T02:57:18+00:00

It’s a good thing that she doesn’t get to make decisions for you anymore.

GuyIncognito1730 · 2025-06-17T01:24:37+00:00

My ex said the same thing about my schedule as a firefighter (24/48). Her lawyer told her this. I told my lawyer that being a dad was the most important part of my life and that I wouldn’t settle for less than 50/50 even if it meant I had to quit my career. It’s all done and the dust has settled, I’m still working and it’s court ordered 50/50. Just tell her you disagree with her parenting plan and that you are a good father and 50/50 is the hill you will die on. You will get through this.

Euphoric_Paramedic33 · 2025-06-16T23:26:19+00:00

Thank you for your response, I’m struggling struggling so hard right now, not only am I losing my child but I’m pushing away a relationship I had on the side and I’m at my breaking point. I want to be around for my kids but I’ve never hurt so had. Idk what to do

Euphoric_Paramedic33 · 2025-06-16T22:32:21+00:00

Just spoke with an attorney, apparently it’s going to come down to legislation on who is “primary custodian. There’s no 50/50 in Texas apparently. With my schedule vs hers they’re going to choice her and I’m going to end up on visitation and child support. I don’t know how to continue. I cant live with out my kids. I cannot be miserable for the next 30 years with her

Euphoric_Paramedic33 · 2025-06-16T21:03:34+00:00

I just talked with a lawyer, she’s going to win. She doing to take the kids from me because of our schedule, the court is going to side in favor and I’m going to end up barely seeing the kids and paying child support regardless of the fact that she makes double more than me. I can’t do this l, I can’t lose my kids

MR-Ozmidnight · 2025-06-16T20:46:47+00:00

It’s important to focus on shifting your mindset during this challenging time. I can relate to what you’re going through, and while it’s tough, working on your mental well-being is crucial, especially for the sake of your kids. They may be feeling anxious and upset about everything happening, so being there for them is vital.

Consider reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy"—it's available online and might offer valuable insights into navigating your current situation. Additionally, looking into strategies like "Doing the 180" and "Grey Rocking" could be beneficial. It's time to advocate for your children if that's truly what you want. Show your ex that you’re standing strong and no longer placing her on a pedestal.

I went through a difficult experience when my ex left me for my best friend, and it changed everything. I lost my home, my investments, and unfortunately, much of my time with my sons. It’s essential to recognise that the person you once knew has changed, and adjusting your perspective on her will help in your healing process.

While I’m not suggesting any confrontational approach, you must stop always yielding to her wishes. Understand that this journey will be painful and may take time, but I believe you will emerge stronger on the other side.

Engaging in old hobbies or picking up new ones can be incredibly helpful. It’s fantastic that you’re running—physical activity can significantly improve your mood and distract you from negative thoughts, much like overcoming the urge to smoke. Eventually, just as you’ll move past the cravings, you’ll find it easier to stop missing her.

Hang in there, and remember that you’ll get through this. Trust the process!

Effective_Flight1459 · 2025-06-16T20:27:12+00:00

Hey man! I totally understand how you feel. I would feel totally devastated if that happened to me. I would feel like I'm totally losing control, and I would feel so bitter about it all. Feeling this is so unfair and like I don't deserve what's happening right there. Is that sort of how you feel here? DM me if you want to talk more.

Personal_Signal_6151 · 2025-06-16T18:32:12+00:00

I am a family mediator and a certified divorce coach so have some knowhow here.

Loads of parents coparent with varying work schedules. This can be handled successfully.

Here are some practical considerations:

Get an experienced family law attorney ASAP
Go to Divorcenet and Nolo for plain language info so you know the lay of the land. A certified divorce coach can provide education about the process (but NOT legal advice). This helps you optimize your time with your lawyer. View it as diligent preparation.
Go to your state government website and download the parenting plan forms to prepare your draft.
Go to your school website to download their academic calendar.
Get a multi-year calendar and record all the breaks in yellow highlighter. Get a blue highlighter for you and a pink one for Mom (most people think in terms of stereotype colors plus test the highlighter to make sure using it over the yellow does not make confusing colors).. Make your best guess for all the years until your youngest graduates and/or turns 18.

Remember, the school year rolls over two calendar years. Note that parenting plans like to designate based on odd years and even years. This is 2025, do we are currently in an odd year.

This sounds dumb, but note that this upcoming school year has Fall break in an odd and Spring break 2026, in an even year.

So if you say you want odd Fall and even Spring breaks you get both in one school year and zero in the following school year. That is why getting a multi-year calendar saves headaches.

Typically Christmas break is divided as first half with child swap at lunch on Christmas. Again, you can alternate who gets Christmas morning by odd and even years.

It is a no brainer to get your birthday and Father's day. Mom will get her birthday and Mother's Day. You might want to highlight yours in blue and hers in pink.

As a medic, you might want to give her the holidays that pay you double time wages.

As a negotiation tactic, think about holidays she loves to get trade-offs for what you want. Got example, she might want the kids to do Christmas Eve mass with her every year. Then you can swap for something you want. Easy bargaining chip for other stuff.

While not a day off, think about alternating Halloween for the fun of taking the kids trick or treating.

If you have to work federal holidays like President's day, you might always give those to her so the kid's holidays are with her instead of an expensive babysitter if you are working.

Highlight any other special days such as your parents birthdays so the kids can celebrate with you & Grandparents.

Write these into your parenting plan. You might do several different calendar scenarios to reflect your trade-offs. Have a best case, an ok case, and a minimally acceptable case. Print out on different color paper or different headers/footers for ease of reference.

Use the state child support calendar to try several different child support splits. Note that 50-50 does not mean you pay zero CS.*. The days are counted with overnights hence legal slang of "heads on beds."

CS tends to get complicated. See if a lawyer in your jurisdiction has a simplified calculator posted on their law firm website. Use only the one for your geographic area.

Keep in mind that as the kids get older, they will get involved in stuff that could be scheduled on your days. Watch out for her intentionally picking activities that always land on your days.

For the "no holiday weeks", consider alternating weekends and Wednesdays, so neither parent goes too long without seeing the kids.

If you can live in the same school district, that will save a lot of logistical headaches.

If you want the children to do extra curriculars, think about having an agreement that whichever parent wants a particular activity, that parent pays directly for it. Example, you pay for piano lessons while she pays for art lessons. Directly pay the provider. I have seen too many parents pocket the money long after the kid has dropped a given activity.

*Never not pay the state mandated amount of child support even if she suggests something like "give me the house and you can skip child support." This can be weaponized by her. Kids in this situation often hear "you can't do x because your deadbeat dad doesn't love you enough to pay a penny in child support (without mention of the valuable house or whatever).

Always pay through the state child support office. Do not give checks or do PayPal. The state office is better evidence providing a running record. Occasionally mistakes happen but these can get corrected.

Keep records of visit days and finances.

Get the Family Wizard app for communications. Your family court might want you to use a similar one.

Report changes in earnings to the state office or wherever your lawyer advises.

CS can be modified. Some jurisdictions let parents file the petition directly. Call the child support office or family court clerk for the forms. They have to explain that they cannot give legal advice but they can explain the process and questions about the form. Again, get multiple copies so you have a working draft and then a fresh new copy for your final petition.

Good luck and take care

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2025-06-16T18:17:16+00:00

Take a deep breath. You're going to be fine.

As other said - she is not the one making the calls here. 50/50, barring something nuts, is the standard. She is saying these things either out of ignornace or trying to get you upset. She will say other insane things trying to make you emotional and make bad decisions. Any inflammatory thing should be met with "that sounds important, please send me that in an email" and that will shut it down (or provide you written proof shes being unreasonable)

Understand that your ability to make well thought out long term decisions is shot to hell. That is normal.

Its good you've talked to a lawyer - it protects you and your kids as well as educates you about teh process. DO NOT bother telling her anything of how things will go/work in the process. THats on HER lawyer to do. 1. because anything you tell her will be deemed BS and 2. because when it comes true she will get pissed at YOU for being right.

You need to push for 50/50 as fast as possible, even if you're just separated and no one has yet to file for a divorce. DO NOT let her establish the status quo of her having all the time. The courts, if it goes long enough, will look at how things have been and possibly work from there.

You need to start talking to Family lawyers asap and get a temp 50/50 parenting plan in place. DO not think about expense - what you'll pay for an attorney will pale in comparison to what you might pay in lopsided Child support and more lawyers fighting to try and get 50/50 back.

I meet with a lawyer today and I’m praying we can come to an agreement.

Again, its 50/50 and she can say whatever she wants but if you can demonstrate you'll be able to do 50/50 you'll be fine.

Also, speak with your employer and let them know you'll be going though a divorce. No extra info, just so they know so WHEN you need to take time to deal with legal bs you'll get some grace as opposed to just seeming like you're calling off out of nowhere.

Custody tips: https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1kq2usg/questions_about_shared_custody_parent_plan/mt4khy2/

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2025-06-16T17:10:29+00:00

OP, ignore what she says, and tell your lawyer you want 50/50 and make this the hill to die on. She is doing it for the money, always remember that.

Gattsama · 2025-06-16T17:04:50+00:00

She is _NOT_ the law and it is not her decision to make. You are entitled to 50/50 custody and residency. What she is doing is telling you what she wants, you need to step out sided of husband mode, and now start talking about what you want and what is legal.

Do not simply follow her lead, that's not how the process works. You both are entitled to 50/50. She is either: delusion, aim for extra child support, punishing you, negotiating (asks for 90% time to get 70% so see she compromised), etc.

Tell her that you understand her preferences, but it's 50/50, and if we can not agree to that ourselves the courts will order it but that wastes both of our time and money. Be prepared to go to trial and fight it out just to get your legal rights. The system is fundamentally broken..

Stay safe out there...

Title	It wasn’t supposed to be like this
Author	Euphoric_Paramedic33
Upvotes	28
Comments	28
Date	June 16, 2025 4:57 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1lcy5zw/it_wasnt_supposed_to_be_like_this/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/it-wasnt-supposed-to-be-like-this.1554847 https://theredarchive.com/post/1554847

Comments