Ok, going through it.

Techsanlobo · 2022-07-14T20:57:18+00:00

I am just starting the process as well. Austin too believe it or not. Different circumstances.

I have been going through a lot of different feelings about the whole thing. I imagine you will be too. I’d like to give you advice but really anything I say would be generic as fuck.

You are not alone in the world. You will get through this- she is/was an important part of who you are, but not all of who you are.

Gattsama · 2022-07-15T01:36:25+00:00

Really sorry you are going through this man.

As others said not sure why you had to quit your job?? But sounds like you are in TX which is a good state for divorce.

Woman file for divorce ~80% of the time. The number one reason is they are not happy. Not cheating, drugs, abuse, financial theft, etc. Women also never terminate their marriage until they believe there is something better or at least safe out there for them to land on / fall back on. What than means is she has been thinking about this for months, if not years. While you thought the two of you were building a good life, she was considered possibly ending it all; and she choose not to discuss these issues with you.

Now that she's decided and told you, everything is new and fresh. She's had months to sort out her emotions and you've had a few weeks. You can't control her and you can't fix this. The only thing and person you can control is you. So here's are the things you need to focus on: getting fit and the divorce.

You need to be: physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit and financially fit.

Start working out, home calisthenics, walk/run, join a gym, BJJ, etc Doesn't matter what, just move. This also helps with the depression and anxiety.

Open a new account and once you get a new job direct deposit you checks there. If the joint account has money and is open, transfer 50% to your new account. Get back to earning income when you feel safe and ready.

Mentally and emotionally is a personal journey. Learn to be good with solitude. If you are religious talk to your spiritual leaders or seek advise from their writings. Consider a therapist, men's group, etc. Find other men that have been through what you are about to experience (this group can help). Be as honest and vulnerable as possible. You need to work on deprogramming yourself. Society has programmed men to see themselves as utilities. We are husband, father, our job, providers, strong rocks, etc. Well society also empowered women to wreck their own homes and they do it.. a lot!

We surrendered all our power and then complain about how powerless we are. You need to step back and choose to create a better life for yourself. For me, stoic philosophy helps a lot. Think of a perfect man, then take steps to be that person. No matter how small everyday.

Divorce - read up everything you can about your state. If you are in TX that's one of the better states to divorce. You should file. It ultimately doesn't matter legally who does it, but it's you taking control back of your life. One small step towards creating a new life for yourself.

Remember, the woman that you are divorcing is not the woman you married. You thought you were building a good life, but you weren't. You are likely not even in love with her, but instead are in love with the idea of her. You are in love with a delusional version of her you created in your mind. The woman that you believed you love wouldn't not discuss marriage ending thoughts for months/years, terminate the marriage via text or hurt you like this. You need to step back and learn to see her for who is truly is. And that's really hard, because we invest so much into the delusion.

------My stuff in brief--------- In my case my STBX (soon to be ex) didn't work, has fibromyalgia/chronic pain issues, abused as a child, etc. She would threaten to live, tell me that while we have a good life financially she has nothing emotionally. I'm an emotional vampire. We have zero happy memories together. Everything is my fault. I ruin everything directly, or she can't enjoy it because of flashbacks to my previous bad actions. I got ultimatum all the time. She directly stayed she did not want to hear my negative feelings or about my issues with the relationship, but she was of course free to talk about her issues.

I had had 1001 reasons why I stayed and tried to work through that. But in the end, she didn't care about me. About the unique person that I was. Her words and actions were not in alignment. She asked me to move out and took off her ring, a manipulation tactic and power play. But once I was out, I never felt more peaceful and stress free. Being out gave me the distance to step back and see the relationship for what it was. An emotionally toxic / abusive relationship, lacking compassion and care. Even so it took me about 3 weeks to say we need to end this, we are not healthy. She talked me into working on things, and 3 months went by before it again became clear we are not healthy together. So I told her we need to terminate and I filed for divorce.

Point is your STBX is not who you think she is. She doesn't want you. And you don't want someone that doesn't want you. Work on moving into acceptance, and then do what you have to do. No take backs / reconciliation.

Edited above dor several typos, sorry on phone...

idiot_trader199x · 2022-07-14T21:00:06+00:00

Hey bro, this was me a couple weeks ago. I was sick as fuck. Couldn’t sleep or eat. The first two weeks after she just disappeared I lost 19 pounds. Sounds crazy but it’s the truth. It’s not going to be easy, you should talk to a pastor/ religious leader for therapy and focus on getting back on your feet. The pain won’t go away. I still am heart broken and barely sleep but you have to push forward. God speed brother.

OldRooter_06 · 2022-07-14T21:51:48+00:00

My now ex wife use to threaten divorce all the time via text. Until the day I filed, she started talking about reconciliation.

My advice: file first. Get it over with. Even if she's using the 'D' word to be controlling, that in itself is always sick.

My now ex threaten divorce a lot during our marriage. Only difference is one I said it, I meant it, and backed it up with action.

It's not worth being with someone who doesn't want to work on the marriage.

WiseMusician9327 · 2022-07-15T00:30:50+00:00

Feel for ya brother! Same here, she wanted her "freedom". My wifes version of freedom is multiple dates with guys during the week. My suggestion is work on returning back to yourself. Rediscover yourself! And when your ready get back out there and find someone

Formal_Republic_4313 · 2022-07-15T01:35:22+00:00

Divorced one year, life is different, but better! I wouldn't have believed it then, but it is. Hang in there!!

pegleg_legal · 2022-07-15T04:29:49+00:00

Never let her know you’re hurting. Be grateful you have family and friend support. Process the anger and pain, with professional help, if possible. Take all the precautions to protect yourself legally and financially, get something filed so she doesn’t start racking up debt you could end up being on the hook for down the road. Sucks bro but you gotta do the necessaries because even if she tries to come back, you should have none of that.

xadmin1 · 2022-07-15T03:03:35+00:00

I’m dating and the girl I’m with keep pushing for marriage. Reading this, I just don’t want to do it. You guys wouldn’t get married a second time right?

Mikesgt · 2022-07-15T13:45:44+00:00

Sorry to say, I almost guarantee you there is another dude in the picture.

DatabaseSpace · 2022-07-14T22:03:07+00:00

File for divorce and sue her for support and alimony since you aren’t working. That’s what women do.

YellowFever46 · 2022-07-14T21:02:25+00:00

Why did you have to quit your job? You didn’t say anything about kids so I’m assuming you dogged a bullet there by not having any with her?? I hope you understand that in your wife’s mind, it’s been over for a long time now. She probably found a new guy and it’s progressed to the point that they are in a committed relationship now ….that’s why she just texted you that it’s over. I’m sure all the signs were there but you might have overlooked them. There seems to be an inbalance of power in your relationship where she wore the pants because you were deeply in love with her and would do anything she wanted because you had low self-esteem. She knew this and likely treated you like crap. She obviously doesn’t think you guys “built a good life” for each other. In other words the way you perceived things is radically different then how she perceived things. In my opinion I think you should immediately file for divorce and pick yourself up and dust yourself off and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Get back into life and get a job and start dating and in time this will be a distant memory.

Alaric_theGreat · 2022-07-15T07:46:34+00:00

My heart goes out to you brother, I'm going through much of the same right now. Honestly it'shonestly it sounds weird but the one thing that is keeping me motivated and maintaining the fighting spirit is going to the gym. I'm seeing my body gets stronger and that progress is somehow motivating me beyond belief to stay strong stay emotionally strong and I hope you can do the same. Progress as progress's progress stay hopeful.

Last thought, I think men need to kno that Social media is to blame for much of this mess. The best thing we can do is fight back against against the rampant sluut culture in this country s*** shaming is essential for any healthy society do your research.

InAndUndated · 2022-07-14T21:57:05+00:00

Have dropped you a pm

deamonkai · 2022-07-14T22:54:26+00:00

Brother, you will get through this. You will be okay, and truly… better.

playerknowmore · 2022-07-15T02:00:33+00:00

I know your emotions are all over the place, but you can't let her see you week. Women get high off men's weakness, and she will continue to escalate until you are a broken husk of your former self. I know you are broken right now, but prepare yourself for the coworker lover to surface. Take care of yourself; you deserve better, but it's a sign of the times.

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2022-07-15T03:04:29+00:00

You'll be fine. You know how I know? You haven't been falsely accused of rape and criminally charged which my ex did. Spent 3 years just fighting the false allegations. I'm fucking broke but at least it's over and I can move on with my life.

Cold-Act-6 · 2022-07-15T08:04:55+00:00

I got an email confirming divorce. Atleast a text isn't an email... "Dear XXX"... wtf? We dated for 6 years married 2...

RhinoKeepr · 2022-07-15T08:53:53+00:00

Also in Austin. 1 ish year in from getting left (awful experience I wish upon no one who truly loves their partner. Together 12 years, married 6, no kids, loved her dearly) and 6 months in from finalized divorce. Couples therapy was just used as plausible cover for “I tried” but it was 4 sessions in 10 weeks and she peaced out on the 5th after cutting me deep but before we had the to chance to being to understand one another. Also under-employed post Covid/2020 (freelancer life is very hard in a major depression made worse by getting left). Was totally heartbroken, to the degree I had people checking on me regularly for months. Lost 25lbs in 2 months. Gained back 10.

Still am heartbroken in some ways but I’ve learned it takes years to fully recover because you have to build back your identity as a single person rather than a couple. That’s been a good experience so far. I’ve started new hobbies, and dating (maybe not for everyone, and don’t jump in too quickly, but it’s been nice to just feel appreciated sometimes and have a fun date focused on things not about your past life). Feel like I lost 2+ years of my life between Covid and divorce I didn’t want but finally feeling good.

I won’t say it’s easy, and everything generic people told me about how it gets easier and how much you’ll grow ended up being true. Stay away from the negative talk/thinking about the past and the ex, appreciate what you had and what good things that life gave you. It’s so hard at first but begins to be clearer as time goes on.

Be kind to yourself, and don’t procrastinate. I wasted so much time curled up in a ball of sadness. Feel your feelings, yes!, but think more about the future than the past. It all becomes more clear and easier to process much later and I’d wager will get more clear years down the line. Physical, mental and emotional health take priority so you can get back to living your new life, whatever that may be or whatever you need.

I felt very alone and isolated. People don’t talk about this stuff enough and, at least for me, my friends (especially the shared friends, oof) very quickly struggled with me wanting to talk about it at all. If that happens find an outlet that will let you talk openly when you need to. My therapist was a godsend but so was a divorced buddy and my cousin. Best thing I eventually did: wrote out everything I was thinking and feeling regularly in unaddressed letters I’d never send. Instead of spinning around in my head, got it out. Recommend.

Did I mention being kind to yourself?

DM me if you want to chat at all.

pk1at · 2022-07-18T19:57:24+00:00

Now that you have quite your job, why don't you hang on to your marriage for a couple years without employment. You can always divorce when your financial situation is worse than hers. The timing of when you pull the plug has a huge impact on property division, CS and everything else

Title	Ok, going through it.
Author	Somedumbshyt
Upvotes	23
Comments	33
Date	July 14, 2022 8:51 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/vz625e/ok_going_through_it/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/ok-going-through-it.1123398 https://theredarchive.com/post/1123398

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