Post divorce experience

25_years · 2021-07-06T13:06:39+00:00

Wish you had done it earlier?

I had no idea that courts considered a 10-year marriage as a "long term" marriage. Generally, alimony is paid for half the length of the marriage (e.g.: 8-year marriage? then 4 years of alimony).

But, bizarrely, and for reasons I don't understand, alimony can be permanent (lifetime) for so-called "long-term" marriages. If a man leaves his SAHM wife after 30 years, I can kinda get it. But after just ten years? A woman married at 23 can get lifetime alimony at 33? OK, many states have eliminated it. But not all.

My ex-wife and I started having problems around 8 years in. Looking back, I see where she hired a lawyer who secretly coached her into stringing me along, making me think the marriage could be saved, just to drag me over the 10-year Goal Line.

Wish I had done it sooner? Absolutely. Men should know about the 10-year bright line.

EDIT: Looking back? Ha! Are you kidding? I left skid marks leaving the courthouse parking lot!!!!

NohoTwoPointOh · 2021-07-06T14:22:46+00:00

I believe in some American states, this can kick in as early as 7 years.

I say don't marry. Under current conditions, a man is a damned fool if he signs an asymmetric government contract that incentivizes the other party for leaving.

But if you do, do not allow a situation where you work and she does not. I understand and agree that it is good for the children to do this. However, in the long run, it kills the father's ability to provide for and be a dad to his children.

To answer OP's question fully, no regrets. None. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

DivorcedConfused · 2021-07-06T20:52:00+00:00

I sleep like a baby. I save more money than ever in my 20 year marriage. I am able to execute on any plan I have with no compromise. I buy whatever the fuck I want. Go wherever I feel like going. Flirt and sleep with any women that are interested (and there are many). Women treat me with desire and respect. My relationship with my kids has actually improved exponentially. I swear that the best part of my marriage was the divorce.

On top of that. I live a simpler life. I have money but don’t need to impress anyone. Those McMansions are not usually desired by husbands. They are to please the wife.

SpacemanLost · 2021-07-06T16:19:11+00:00

Sure, plenty of regrets regarding marrying, putting up with stuff, my kids, etc, but for the divorce itself? ...

... Only wish I had done it sooner. ( I tried staying in a dangerous situation for my kids )

Post-divorce life has been 10,000% Better.

The 'single man' period was eye-opening. Dating in your 40s for most men is almost a complete opposite from dating in your late teens, early 20s.

I did re-marry 7 years after, but I had taken everything I had learned from the first time around and improved on it. (pre-nup, no kids with 2nd wife, she works as a tech professional, etc - totally different) and have been firm about ground rules, boundaries, etc from day 1.

47omek · 2021-07-06T17:54:50+00:00

No regrets. I knew we'd divorce by around the time my youngest was born but I waited til the youngest was 4 and the older one was 6 and locked into a school. That way the youngest could more readily handle separation from each of us for a few days at a time, and with school locked in it made any potential move-away by the ex a more difficult proposition as I'd be able to counter with keeping the child in the schools, with the friends etc that they were used to. I'm a better father now that I don't have to deal with my ex on my parenting time - we have a more relaxed environment without her unnecessary social media photo ops, her yelling, and her need to try and control everything at all times (while doing none of the actual work of making it happen).

I'm not there at her place to see what goes on, but I think she's a better mother now that she doesn't have me there as a constant crutch and scapegoat for anything that's gone wrong. I also think both of us have benefitted from having days off from being a parent and to just be us.

It's been two years since divorce and the kids are doing well. They've adapted to having two equal homes, they understand "Daddy days" and "Mommy days" and they like getting to decorate two different bedrooms, have two bikes, two different sets of toys etc. It's not a disaster for the children unless the parents make it one.

I've gotten about $40k in raises in the last 2 years which has taken some of the sting out of the CS I pay. Something about knowing that everything I get now is MINE and MINE ALONE and not shared with someone who really doesn't even like me very much has made me much more motivated at work. I'm on track to retire by my late 50s if things go well. I'll never get married or cohabitate again. I'm in great physical shape, I've got a younger FWB to meet my physical "needs" and other than that I'd rather hang out with my buddies and BS about things that actually interest me instead of the latest happenings on the Bachelorette.

thefudmaster · 2021-07-06T17:47:56+00:00

Wish I had never done it to begin with. I do have children whom I love very much. Marriage in modern societies is dead. I have never met a happily married person.

Prior_Perfect · 2021-07-06T17:07:54+00:00

Is this applicable in TX?

DiscardedPickle · 2021-07-06T17:59:13+00:00

Don't get married. If you did, I'm sorry for the loss of your world.

YesAmAThrowaway · 2021-07-06T19:50:36+00:00

Not looking back is difficult for a lot of men because the courts are biased against them.

Throwaway4120213 · 2021-07-06T18:33:53+00:00

Never marry someone making a lot less than you. Women don’t marry down on salary pay for a reason and men need to learn how to protect themselves also. When you make more - inevitably it leads to “well - we don’t really my salary. My salary would just go to childcare so it makes sense for me to a SAH right?” Repeat that for multiple kids and 15yrs and then they got you on alimony for the next 15yrs.

Makes zero sense. My ex was a teacher - I could’ve lived with paying her alimony to make up the difference on what she would’ve made if she stayed a teacher instead of a SAH but paying her alimony on my higher paying salary so she is taking home 3x what she could’ve ever earned as a teacher because she “sacrificed” her career is bull.

akihonj · 2021-07-06T21:06:31+00:00

My only regret was getting married to the cheating bitch in the first place.

Breway · 2021-07-06T23:11:14+00:00

Like most guys she initiated. I was caught off-guard and unprepared that's on me. I was left homeless, with false allegations, broke with a great job but no access to funds, in a foreign country. I haven't seen my kids in years. Regrets? I should have left her. Wish I had done it earlier? Absolutely, like 10 years earlier. Looking back? Nah, the woman you marry isn't the woman you divorce. The sexless marriage, the lost money, the cheating, the disrespect, those are all lessons learned for believing in a myth. That's all my fault for staying there and having an optimistic outlook. But her denying me access to the kids, for that, for that I have utter contempt and will never accept. Marriage is not beneficial to men. It can enslave you in a moment, at her whim. I don't recommend any male marry. It could ruin your present, rewrite your past, and alter your future. Definitely not worth the risk. Marriages are dead.

Title	Post divorce experience
Author	Richguard23
Upvotes	14
Comments	69
Date	July 6, 2021 12:35 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/oeu1dt/post_divorce_experience/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/post-divorce-experience.816574 https://theredarchive.com/post/816574

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