Residual feelings

rhett342 · 2024-03-21T07:56:27+00:00

First of all, I'm sorry you're going through this. You've come to a good place to get support. I know we're 2 different people but here's what I did.

First of all, I'm a nurse. I haven't always been one. When I was a younger man, I was a computer network engineer. I won't get into all the details but I was good enough that I worked at pretty high levels. If you don't know networking, it's hard to even explain what I actually did. I liked it and was good at it. Then my wife got sick.

She had an inherited genetic condition and had to have a series of surgeries. I did all that I could to take care of her but it didn't feel like enough to me. She was also likely to have other issues pop up throughout the rest of her life. I wanted to be able to do even better so I quit my career, went back to school, got my degree and license, and started working as a nurse so I'd be a better caregiver when she got sick again.

Then she cheated on me.

I had problems with depression and some other stuff that affected my mental well-being and ended up in a mental hospital because of everything. I was only there for a night, but the next week, I started an intensive outpatient program that I needed for weeks. Do you know where my ex was during all that? No, really, I'm asking because I have no idea. Wherever it was, she definitely wasn't taking care of me and the problems that she helped create. She cared so much that I saw the phone records where she called the other guy quite a few times during that period and I didn't get a single one.

A while later, one of our kids told me that my ex had been in the hospital and had to have another surgery. She was back home but was having a hard time recovering. My first instinct was to go running to take care of her. I'd spent a good chunk of my life preparing for that. Then I remembered that I didn't even know where she lives now. She said that she didn't want me or my help with her actions when she chose to run around with that other guy. She wouldn't take care of me when I was so close to ending my own life. She wanted me to not be a part of her life anymore, so that's what she got.

As harsh as I know this is going to sound, and I do apologize in advance for saying it, your ex-wife doesn't want you in her life anymore. I'm sure you're a great guy that would give her the world. I've got no doubt about that just because you're here asking these questions. That says a lot about you. So here's the deal. Here's what you do.

For one last time, you give her exactly what she wants. You let her go do whatever she wants to do with whoever she wants to do it with. Take all that energy and love that you used to put into her and your relationship with her and put it into yourself because she sure as hell isn't going to. Stop worrying about her future and worry about yours.

Be good to yourself because you deserve to have at least one person who's got your back.

MissionToe3030 · 2024-03-21T04:34:11+00:00

I think you might have e picked up the battered husband syndrome like me. You could not stop worrying about her. I have the same issue but our separation is starting to help. Just keep busy in life and you will do the same. Stay active and go out with friends. And remember it’s not helping her in the long run.

Ok-Cause1108 · 2024-03-20T23:15:11+00:00

She'll find another schmoe to support her financially once the money runs out. She'll be fine. Worry about yourself - as a guy you can't bat your eyes and spread your legs to get someone to pay your way.

AttemptScary4550 · 2024-03-20T22:52:04+00:00

You have to let go. Find what you need to move forward. Therapy and personal improvement helped me. The best help for me has been finding someone that has truly given me a perspective on how much better things can be. You need to let yourself be happy elsewhere. Not sad without her and worrying about her future. I worry about my ex wife's choices because of our children now and have completely let go. It takes time and effort.

Plenty-Entertainer71 · 2024-03-20T22:16:01+00:00

She has a vagina she will be fine, worry about yourself first

DivorceRecoveryMen · 2024-03-20T21:43:06+00:00

It's hard as hell to let her go. She is so entrenched in you DNA. It will be a while for you caring more about yourself and not her. She released you from your contract with her so you are free to do what you want and need to do. She has to deal with her repercussions. She made her bed and has to lie in it and on it. Take all that worrying about her and apply it to your positive new reality. Enjoy.

pikohina · 2024-03-20T21:34:11+00:00

How do you let go of those feelings?

Stop looking at her socials. Are you still hoping to reconcile? If so, forget it. She’s just a person you got to know very well. Now she’s on her own. Best you can do is be there if she has questions. She’s an adult. You’re wasting your precious time and thoughts on another person’s problem. Stop wasting your time.

Forward-Transition-5 · 2024-03-20T20:43:33+00:00

As with most things in life it simply takes time. It’s a shitty answer I know but that’s really all there is. The problem is most people think it’ll take a week or two and that’s an absurd underestimation. It can take years unfortunately but in the end it will fade if you let it. Times like this are when a little resentment can actually be a positive thing and help you to move these feelings along faster. You just can’t let yourself get too carried away with that. Keep it under control and it can help you and then let it go when it’s time.

MissionToe3030 · 2024-03-20T20:03:37+00:00

We men cared too much about our wives. I’m guiltyof this, see my thy thread that I posted here. I had a hard time myself as well. You need to let her fall and move on. You’re actually not helping with her behavior if you continue to carry her along.

Apprehensive-Cost496 · 2024-03-20T19:12:25+00:00

I'll echo the sentiment but some people you just need to let them learn life's lessons the hard way. I don't think you have kids from what it sounds like, that adds another slight dynamic I won't go into for the sake of brevity. That being said, you just need her to go down that journey by herself. She may discover you actually did so much (not likely) and kick herself but you can't let them back in after they rip your heart out no matter how much they apologize.

Reflog1791 · 2024-03-20T19:06:25+00:00

Some new sucker gets to fund her retirement. She’ll be fine. Setting up your own future doesn’t leave you much time to think about what’s her face.

Heavy_Guitar_4848 · 2024-03-20T18:51:20+00:00

Them are all her problems. Majority of the girls I know don’t give a shit about that stuff and just want to have fun. Focus on your own goals because she’s not worried about you.

recovering88 · 2024-03-20T18:32:14+00:00

You have to remind yourself that her issues, problems and downfalls are not your responsibility or concern anymore. She chose to let you know that she doesn’t want you to help or to take care of her. I suggest you listen and apply what she’s asking for. Do you, worry about you and your world. Let her figure things out, you running to her rescue will not change anything and you would also be denying her a learning/growing experience. These are her lessons to learn on her own and you have yours. Much easier said than done but you absolutely have to put in the work.

WakeUpAndGoooo · 2024-03-20T18:16:28+00:00

I have some of the same feelings due to us having kids together. Her financial situation is not good and I hear about it all the time. She cheated, lied, treated me like shit. It sucks to see the struggle, but at the end of the day not my problem, I meant nothing to her at the time and she had it all figured out. To the point where she told me over and over I don't need you for shit. Until she realized how much I did behind the scenes.

JimSevere0271 · 2024-03-20T17:49:15+00:00

My stbxw always thought she had everything figured out and she was the smartest person in the room even though most of her plans ended disastrously.

I don't think this divorce is going to be any different.

She will get probably a somewhat large payment for the equity of the house and retirement etc etc but I don't think it'll be as much as she thinks it will be and The money will eventually run out....

Especially the way she is irresponsible with money band if her side of the family gets a hold of any of it... they are thieves. Mostly her dad.

You have to let people make their mistakes. It's no longer your problem.

Title	Residual feelings
Author	fffrdcrrf
Upvotes	6
Comments	17
Date	March 20, 2024 5:25 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1bjj12h/residual_feelings/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/residual-feelings.1513244 https://theredarchive.com/post/1513244

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