STBEW asked if I was hooking up with anyone

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-03-01T22:54:58+00:00

> What do I do going forward?

Learn how to set and enforce boundaries. You seem to think you are obligated to answer her every question. You aren't. If it's not about the day-to-day caregiving of the children, then say nothing to her.

The best resource I can recommend for setting and enforcing boundaries is the excellent book "When I Say No I Feel Guilty".

1095966 · 2026-03-01T15:59:08+00:00

No need to lie. Learn to grayrock. She doesn't need to know about your personal life if your intentions are to divorce. Just say something like "that's personal and we won't be discussing personal issues". Think about why you told her you made out with someone - were you trying to elicit a certain response from her? Grayrock, it'll help you protect yourself.

apatrol · 2026-03-01T08:53:54+00:00

Learn to lie. You need to keep the peace. It doesnt matter of its her bizz or not. Its what she perceives as a slight.

Its all about the kids now. The battle for housing, money, and etc is about whats best for them.

DarthDad25 · 2026-03-01T06:52:59+00:00

Like everyone else has said, it’s none of her business anymore. She does not get to have insight into your life or have emotional connection to you any longer. The only business she has with you are the children. The children are the most sensitive and valuable business you have though, hopefully for both of you.

I would also like to add something, though you didn’t ask. Careful jumping into a new relationship so quickly. No matter what happened in your marriage that led to the pending divorce, you’re both at fault for the slow breakdown of it. You both contributed faults and cracks. Take time to self reflect and heal. Become a better man and learn from your faults. Then start dating. I really warn you about jumping into situations before you’re ready. You’re just going to continue your previous problems into the next relationship.

henrysmyagent · 2026-03-01T05:42:49+00:00

Study The Grey Rock method and implement its recommendations.

She has lost all rights to any insight into your life going forward.

Immediate-Story2562 · 2026-03-01T04:37:37+00:00

Keep talks to the kids and the divorce only. For the rest just grey rock from now on.

ShaunyP_OKC · 2026-03-01T03:55:29+00:00

Never answer this and simply say it's none of your business. The end.

Best-Maintenance-208 · 2026-03-01T03:30:33+00:00

You're separated, I'm assuming you're going to divorce, and I'd also assume, that she instigated it?
I'd also wager that you're not going on trips with the kids with a supposed third party.
Who and whom you're with, if you're walking down this path without her, means that she has absolutely no control over it; and none of her damned business, frankly.

Worry about yourself, your kids, and your life moving forward.

If nosey nessie (your STBEW), doesn't like it? Tuff. Thems the breaks. When you decide to destroy a relationship, with or without kids, married or not, you lose access the person you left. Period.

Stay strong, focus on your kids, finish the separation/divorce, and don't let her manipulate you.

TimeCycle3000 · 2026-03-01T01:09:47+00:00

Makes sense she would get weird - my wife certainly would.

In your state are you allowed to date before officially divorced?

-Symbiont · 2026-03-01T00:58:47+00:00

"I'm open to discussing questions and issues directly relevant to the raising of our children. You are asking me questions that assume spouse level access that you no longer have."

Virtual_Ad9235 · 2026-03-01T00:56:59+00:00

What you do now is none of her business.

Sharing any updates on your dating life with the ex can create unnecessary tension and stress for you.

Sad-Instruction3379 · 2026-03-01T00:45:28+00:00

Yeah it’s none of her business. You should have completely separate private lives now, unless as someone else said you plan to try again?

My wife’s made it perfectly crystal clear I’ve not to even question her about her life after she wanted a divorce, it was tough at first to take but I’ve actually met someone who’s in a similar position to myself and she’s super nice, like we have so much in common and it feels comfortable already we’ve only been on a couple of dates but she’s shown me that there is life after divorce and maybe it can be better second time round.

ArizonaSpartan · 2026-02-28T23:59:08+00:00

You owe her zero about your dating situation.

If your decree says inform ex when intending to remarry you must do that.

Otherwise zero.

bgstewar · 2026-02-28T23:23:05+00:00

Sounds codependent. If you're divorcing, then it's none of her concern. "It's none of your business" is a complete sentence. If you are hoping to get back together, that's a different story.

Title	STBEW asked if I was hooking up with anyone
Author	duck_duck_mallard
Upvotes	15
Comments	34
Date	February 28, 2026 11:16 PM UTC (4 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1rhh4yd/stbew_asked_if_i_was_hooking_up_with_anyone/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/stbew-asked-if-i-was-hooking-up-with-anyone.1574460 https://theredarchive.com/post/1574460

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