What to do

falcon0221 · 2024-09-12T07:38:34+00:00

My wife waited until after divorce was filed to tell me she didn’t love me and hadn’t for my entire marriage. At the time of separation and during she pulled the same crap. Assume the worst because it’s probably correct. She’s messing with you going hot and cold. Don’t let her. She has indicated you are no longer a priority. Act accordingly.

stupididiot78 · 2024-08-22T08:54:32+00:00

Years before I got divorced, I was incredibly unhappy and kept trying to make things better. Once she figured out that I was incredibly unhappy, her response was to start looking into leaving and getting divorced. Like an idiot, I fought to keep us together. Eventually, things got better for a while. Later on, things were rough again and she left. I wasted so much time and money that I could have used to actually do something that would make me happy. Once I saw that divorce was even an option for her, that should have been the sign that I needed that we were too different and that marriage didn't actually mean the same thing to both of us.

Don't be me. Learn from my mistakes. Your wife isn't sure if she wants to divorce or not. That means that even if things work out for now, you'll never know when she'll decide she does want to end it.

Chicago_Saluki · 2024-08-21T20:43:31+00:00

My STBXW and I separated 2 months ago. I found a condo to rent , she bought a condo, and we’re trying to be amicable. I just want my money and I am gone. Tried couples counseling and,s

CommercialConcern828 · 2024-08-21T20:05:36+00:00

You soon to be ex wife has herself smack in the center of her priorities. All her actions are geared towards her benefit.

I highly recommend you do the same.

No sense watching someone load an M16 with ammo when you can ascertain with a certain degree of accuracy that once loaded you will be one of the targets in the sights.

karavan7 · 2024-08-21T18:57:26+00:00

Make your own decisions. Now is not the time for dating. Get a lawyer and serve papers immediately. Get out of this environment so you can think.

DudeforRighteousness · 2024-08-21T18:51:15+00:00

Sorry to tell you. But she’s probably only saying she wants to work things out to push things out until her actual plan of next spring.

I can’t say this with certainty.

But you’ve likely been held hostage for so long it’s probably difficult to think clearly.

If it’s possible, she really wants to work it out and both of you are willing to put the work in then maybe it’s worth trying.

Yes, you need to wait quite some time before you’re ready to get into another relationship.

Otherwise, whoever you find is going to be a disaster, maybe even worse than the situation you’re in now.

Big_Marsupial_8142 · 2024-08-21T18:32:47+00:00

Sorry brother. If I were in your shoes - and I'm VERY close to it at this point - it's time to pull the rip cord and start the process! Best of luck with whichever path you decide to take.

ageoffri · 2024-08-21T18:16:33+00:00

There are a number of red flags here. If you're asking the question of "Is it wrong to start trying to meet people now?", that tells me you're done with the marriage.

Next is "wait until next spring at the end of the school year to separate." She's already decided it's over. I'm assuming the kid is finishing high school, if so there is so little time until then that child support in most States won't matter. I think it is New York, but I could easily be wrong, where you can be on the hook for college.

From the "Woman's divorce handbook", you likely have a false restraining order coming your way. She'll find an excuse and as a rule of thumb the woman is believe over the man. Some States have laws that one person has to be arrested. How to prevent this, carry a Digital Audio Recorder with you at all times that you are around your STBX.

A critical thing is DO NOT MOVE OUT. Don't do it voluntarily and do everything to avoid a TRO forcing you out. The moment you move out, she has a huge amount of leverage to delay, delay, delay, and to get you to agree to less than ideal things in order to finalize the divorce.

Let's face it with your kid, while it might seem admirable to wait until the end of the school year, your kid knows that things aren't right. Depending on the level of emotional awareness the kid might fully understand or just have an idea. You're not doing your kid any favors by waiting, you just may give your kid some solace as they are finally removed from the covert relationship failure.

There also could be other reasons your STBX wants to wait. What is the laws around length of alimony/maintenance in your State? Some States have statutes around the length. For instance my State with a marriage of less than 5 years, it's somewhere around 1/3 of the length of the marriage for around 1 year and gets close to half the length at 5 years. Between 5 and 20, it's half the length of the marriage, 20+ it's for life. Would your marriage cross one of these boundaries if you wait? There is also a caveat that at least in some States you can come to agreement on alimony, it still has to be blessed by the court. I've been told it's almost automatic unless it is very far outside of the guidelines. An example is a co-worker gave his now ex-wife a good chunk of his 401K in lieu of alimony. Judge approved it.

My last piece of advice is don't date or look for a relationship until one year after the divorce is done. Your emotions are going to be a mess, especially if this goes high conflict. Throw yourself into a hobby instead of relationships. I did a lot of board gaming which has been my hobby since Jr. High. Often times men talk about looking for a relationship in these cases as almost a code word to have sex. Think about if this is your reasoning, I know some people make suggestions of how to get sex without a relationship but that comes down to your moral and ethical code.

One quick edit: While my lawyer assures me it doesn't make a difference if you are the Petitioner or Respondent in the eyes of the legal system, it feels like it should. I still struggle with being the Respondent and my petition was submitted before my ex's after she lied about DV and child abuse. Literally the two petitions were numerical next to each other. My first lawyer said he's never seen the clerk not use the first person as the Petitioner but that he had never seen two petitions submitted so they ended up next to each other in the queue.

Character_Hippo90 · 2024-08-21T17:50:50+00:00

Don't allow her to continue dictating your future. Thus far it's only led to sadness and emptiness. File and watch the change.

TheWormTurns22 · 2024-08-21T17:31:18+00:00

You stop letting that wretch make you twist in the wind, and YOU file NOW. Get the process started in the position that will advantage you, not her. There's at least SOME benefit to being the one who files.

notconvinced780 · 2024-08-21T17:17:23+00:00

Who cares what SHE wants!! What do YOU want? It sounds like you want two things: 1) to get divorced 2) for “her” to initiate it so it’s her fault. Lucky you, she already initiated by saying she wanted a divorce. Any half measure “take-backs” or calendar setting by her should be meaningless. File now!

soontobesolo · 2024-08-21T17:04:05+00:00

You need to drop her and move on. Once she starts down this path there is no recovery.

Besides, she's been neglecting you. Why would you want to continue that relationship? There are plenty of great ladies out there for you.

You don't need to wait as long as you are confident you are emotionally ready. Just be very careful to not make the same mistakes. You can do low key dates for practice too.

Don't feel guilty for wanting a happy life and for your emotional and sexual needs to be met. You deserve it!

Go read "No More Mr. Nice Guy".

And talk to a lawyer IMMEDIATELY

SwimmingOk7595 · 2024-08-21T16:52:13+00:00

I was in a similar scenario. She asked for separation and then a divorce. Once she used the D word, I was out. I asked her why she didn’t file, no answer. I asked her why if she is so unhappy she doesn’t move out to her parents, no answer. I finally had enough of the emotional detachment. So I filed. It was hard. But I had friends help me through that process. She got served. She was angry and told people I initiated the divorce. I didn’t. I didn’t ask for any of this. In fact she made fun of me for being blindly happy.

I moved out. I see my kids. They are doing ok. But my stbx is not. She apologized recently for putting us down this road. Asked if we undo it. I said no. Again a few weeks later she said sorry for this and asked for affection.

Just handle yourself dude. If you do her timeline it’ll always be the having cake and eating it. Focus on you for once and your kid. Time will help.

Bretweir_jerky · 2024-08-21T16:27:36+00:00

She wants you to lead. The longer you take to make the decision and do the legwork the more irrational she’s likely to become. I don’t know her, but if she talks about it, she’s thought about it and probably already planning it. Don’t wait till she starts telling you about her dates

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2024-08-21T16:26:29+00:00

the one thing she is sure of, we wait until next spring at the end of the school year to separate.

This should tell you what you need to know - she's done BUT only wants to operate on a timetable that suits HER. She's basically keeping you around for money, benefits, child coverage, and housing. She wants a roommate who will pay the bills, giving her time to plan and prepare. I basically fell for this for six months.

I want to either commit to counseling and start working out these issues now, or proceed with the divorce.

Just lay it out and call her bluff - "we work on this now, or we start the process now. I wont wait".

I just want to start the journey of meeting new people and connecting with someone. If we split today, I would be putting myself out there tomorrow.

My advice is get yourself right and dont date, at all. You need to be laser focused on the divorce. It will become a second job. You cannot half ass it with distractions. A mistake now can have exponential repercussions down the line.

captainchippsixx · 2024-08-21T16:24:49+00:00

Why are you letting her decide what you do?

I would not try meeting people now man.
Focus the split and all that entails. Where are you going to live?

You’re still married so you are radioactive to most women anyway.

Title	What to do
Author	Uhh--wait_what
Upvotes	6
Comments	20
Date	August 21, 2024 4:08 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1extl3e/what_to_do/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/what-to-do.1527914 https://theredarchive.com/post/1527914

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