I spent 20 minutes typing up a reply to a guy who cares about women’s promiscuity in a partner because he doesn’t want her to leave him and doesn’t get why that’s inherently misogynistic. I think he deleted his post. Many of you need to see this anyway.

If you care about a woman’s number of partners but fail to mention anything about her level of education, I’m going to call you out for stereotypes rooted in misogyny, because your insecurities have you fixated on the wrong metric. Here’s why:

It is normal to have insecurities regarding relationships. Most of us do.

What is not normal is to impose those insecurities on prospective romantic partners — who are people and not statistics — without any evidence, or to hone in on those insecurities to the exclusion of other points, especially when those insecurities are rooted in misogyny.

So let’s unpack this:

The most recent data (which is OLD and from a religiously biased institution in the first place and only discusses divorce in the first five years of marriage) I can find to talk about the correlation between past sexual partners and future divorce makes it clear that the women least likely to divorce in terms of previous partners are those who had 0-1 past partner (which is a count that can include their spouse, if they had premarital sex).

Why might that be? Well, is it perhaps likely that women who were virgins or who had very little sexual experience prior to marriage might be grounded in communities, particularly religious communities, that discourage divorce? Seems likely, because we know that the most religious communities often place a premium on premarital celibacy and discourage divorce even when a marriage is unhappy or unhealthy.

Very, very few women are virgins or have 1 past partner upon marriage.

Then what next? It might shock you to find out that women with 3-9 past partners are all less likely to divorce than a woman with 2 past partners. Only speculation, but might this be because a woman with one previous partner besides her spouse may not be rooted in the same kind of religious community and thus feel more free to experience sexuality, but upon marriage, think she can do better? Might it be that she regrets not “dating around” more? Might it be that when she only has one other partner to compare her spouse with, that makes it easier to judge the spouse negatively?

Meanwhile, might it be that a woman with 3-9 partners is more confident in her present choice, knowing that she has had a wide enough array of experiences to judge well? Might it be that she feels confident in her ability to identify what a healthy and fulfilling romantic partnership looks like to her?

Odds of divorce rise when a woman has had 10 or more past partners. Luckily for someone who is concerned about this, only about 11% of women ages 25-49 fall into that category in the U.S of total lifetime partners. If you’re still worrying about getting a date, hyperfixating on the 11% of women you’d reject is an odd choice.

With 3-9 sexual partners, a woman’s likelihood of divorce is about 25%.

About 60% of women ages 25-49 in the U.S. have had 2-9 lifetime partners — so you’d better be watching out for the ones with 2.

Meanwhile, 78% of college educated women can expect their marriage to last at least the first 20 years. Lots more evidence than 5 years! That’s a higher correlated predictor for marriage success than any past partners in the 2-9 lifetime partner range, where most women fall.

Divorce rates fall even further when the woman has a Masters or PhD.

So, when there is greater evidence that education increases the likelihood of lasting marriage than number of past sexual partners, why not put your focus on finding an educated partner?

In short, if you’re committed to treating people as statistics rather than individuals, why are you focusing on the wrong aspect, which happens to be most deeply rooted in misogynistic notions of women’s sexual purity?

Or if you’re religious and view premarital sex as a sin, why not just say that?

Sources:

https://ifstudies.org/blog/counterintuitive-trends-in-the-link-between-premarital-sex-and-marital-stability

https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nsfg/key_statistics/n-keystat.htm

https://datepsychology.com/why-college-grads-are-less-likely-to-be-single-or-divorced/

https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2015/12/04/education-and-marriage/