I feel like I’ll never be someone’s first choice

LipstickBandito · 2024-03-16T09:59:51+00:00

This is a valid fear, and I think a lot of us can relate. Even as a woman I fear this.

Just remember, there's ALWAYS going to be somebody more attractive. There's always going to be somebody who is objectively a better choice than you. Famous celebrities loved and crushed on by millions get dumped for somebody better. It's always going to be a possibility.

And yet, so many people are in happy relationships, people who are FAR from perfect themselves. Not even in terms of looks, but in terms of personality. People who need work, but are loved by their partner anyway.

The fact is that people change over time. Sometimes we grow away from others, sometimes we get closer with them. If you have a good chemistry with somebody and consistently treat them well, odds are things will last. There's always the "shitty person" variable, abusers, fakers, and users, but all we can do is try to vet those people out before letting them close.

When the feelings are real and strong, it literally doesn't matter who else shows up. It's not about "I like redheads, and a hotter red head showed up, so bye". People connect more deeply than that, and while some of get into the dating game without completely getting over somebody else first, with a good connection, you become the first choice. You know what I mean?

My long-term ex wasn't my first choice. I met up with him on a dating app out of boredom. Then I got to know him, and he became my first choice moving forward. I'm crushing on a guy right now that I never thought I'd be into, but here I am, dude grew on me. He went from not even being on my radar to being #1 on the list.

People are complex. We change, our "first picks" aren't written in stone. My first pick in highschool was VASTLY different than as an adult.

Believe me, if somebody is dating you while "waiting" for someone else, you're going to be able to tell, most of the time. Just cut your losses and move on if that happens. Most people are adjusted enough to know better than to lead somebody else on, and you just have to gamble a little bit.

pinkpugita · 2024-03-16T11:44:13+00:00

Coming from a woman who was never first choice - a lot of "first choices" are from basic attraction. Not only that, some are only chosen because someone is afraid to be single/left out, then years later, they realized they aren't actually compatible and wasted so much of their youth in an unhealthy relationship. It's not necessarily a good thing.

bluemagex2517 · 2024-03-16T11:38:16+00:00

You're too inside your own head and think too little of yourself. You're also projecting your feelings onto other people, e.g. assuming you know other people's thoughts and feelings about you.

These are all problems with your mental health, not with your looks, etc.

You either need to find a way to think more highly of yourself on your own and let people have their own thoughts without you imposing your on on them. Or, find a good therapist to help you with this. Possibly a psychiatrist, if meds are necessary.

One thing I will say, that may be food for thought, is that often times a second choice turns out to be a better one. People make mistakes or don't always know what they want right away, especially when they're young. The tatto they pick at 18 usually isn't their favorite tatto. They pick a career, but by the end of college their doing something else. Etc. The same is often times true for partners.

My partner and I have been together 6 years now. Our relationship is amazing. Best of either of ours by far. We had many before we found each other. We weren't each other's first or even 10th choice. But, it turn out we're both better than all those previous choices. I don't miss my ex fiance, and she doesn't miss her ex live in boyfriend.

The thing is, you just have to be the best romantic partner you can be, and believe in yourself. If you do that, and someone leaves or cheats, then it's their loss not yours. If you're a great partner, then you're the one they should be afraid of losing.

Right now it's not any woman who doesn't think enough of you, it's yourself that doesn't think your enough. You need to change that.

SweelFor- · 2024-03-16T10:05:21+00:00

If I had had the choice, and you had asked me when I was 18, I would technically have chosen to be with Emma Wattson for the rest of my life.

Well, no one gave me that choice, and now I'm with someone else.

Is she my "second choice"? Did I "settle" for her?

This settling idea is red pill talk and it indicates that you are still influenced by it. Have you stopped consumming red pill content completely, and have you replaced the bad psychology from RP with good psychology from psychologists?

CommentsEdited · 2024-03-16T09:27:02+00:00

Here’s the thing, my friend. Human beings aren’t cars. We don’t plummet in value the moment someone drives us off the lot where they found us. As we accumulate miles and kilometers and challenges and episodes of life together with our partners, a third entity is born, raised, matures, and lives with us as long as we’re together. The relationship itself becomes the third person in the room. Always. And that person is an asset—or liability—that your partner’s nebulous “real first choice” can never touch.

There is you. There is them. And there are the two of you together. And it builds and builds and the weight of it becomes something that the thin, cardboard prospect of a life begun with someone else is just a silly comparison to even bother with.

To reduce yourself or your partner (or even your “rival!”) down to these caricatures, and assume they can never be anything more, is desperately unfair and impoverished thinking.

In fact, this is to your horrible detriment even if you are their first choice. Why? Because you are actually someone else. And so are they. You won’t really know each other until you’ve spent years changing together. In other words, no one is ever anyone’s first choice, at least not for longer than the blink of an eye.

You’re essentially promising yourself and your future partner that you are convinced it’s all downhill and doom as soon as you start your life together. Even if you’re mutually convinced you’re soulmates. Because your attitude is that of some accursed keeper of tropical orchids. A paranoid, hothouse attendant afraid to breathe on the leaves or blossoms of anything under their care, lest they inevitably wilt and die.

No matter who else might have caught your partner’s eye before you were together, after you’ve been with someone for a couple years, one of two things will probably be true:

No one could possibly compete with you anymore. Not even their old flame. Because you know each other now.
Lots of people can compete. And not just their old flame. Even the cute person at the grocery store. Because you know each other now.

AssistTemporary8422 · 2024-03-16T14:05:12+00:00

So you are obviously struggling with dating so I'm assuming you'd be okay with dating average women and you aren't demanding the hottest, richest, most charming women. So does that mean you couldn't get the woman you actually wanted, and if the opportunity arose you'd leave me for someone better. Would she be your second choice?

xvszero · 2024-03-16T15:32:06+00:00

There are 8 billion people in the world. I'm not going to be anyone's 1st, 2nd or probably even 1,000th choice if it just comes down to a checklist of desirable traits.

But that's not how love works. My wife and I have been together for 15 years, we're very into each other. I'm not walking around going "Hey that random woman has bigger boobs than my wife, I should pursue her". That's stupid. My wife is my world. I'm hers. We have BUILT something together, and literally no one else in the world has the thing we have built together but us.

Chance_Managert849 · 2024-03-16T19:24:36+00:00

OP, all of those fears are reasonable, having them interfere with your life/dating, is not. It sounds like you need to work on your self-esteem, and over-all understanding of your strengths. Counseling is a start.

Parking_Mushroom_888 · 2024-03-16T14:58:53+00:00

I felt that way in many cases and it's either they choose someone else or they just want a good time and not a long time. I went to the red pill Community thinking that if I followed their ways that things would get better but boy was I very wrong and I started getting increasing anxiety attacks and depression because I felt like I wasn't good enough because I'm not a virgin and I was 28 at the time and a lot of the times a lot of what the red pill Community says was a walking contradiction meaning that women can't do those things or else she's not wife material but then they do the same shady and awful stuff and suddenly it's okay and they are still husband material because they are men. Don't get me wrong not all men are like this but I want a man where we both respect each other and we genuinely want to be together not because we are settling. Sadly I almost got in a relationship with my male best friend but then he started acting differently such as more desperate and more needy and we get mad if I didn't respond to text messages. But the red pill Community convinced me that if I didn't get into a relationship and marriage before the age of 30 then I was considered a leftover woman and a loser. I never liked him in that way and never wanted to be with him and I'm glad that we didn't date for long. He was very unconsiderate when I got injured and sick to the point where I had to go on medical leave and he knew this but yet he wanted me to take an Uber an hour away to go visit him in another County to spend time with him and his family for Christmas when I could barely go a day without wailing and crying because I was in physical pain and my mom had to be my caregiver! I just started going back to work and I injured myself back in November! It just went out one ear and out the other and I realized from then on out that basically to him I was just a prize that he won versus a person. The red flags were so big I just couldn't ignore it! But yet they Bash single moms as well so it's like we can never win! People can and do change if they really put their minds to it and just because they did something in the past that they are not proud of it doesn't always mean that past Behavior indicates future Behavior and it is partially true only if they don't take the effort to really take a look at themselves in the mirror and try to change rather you are a man or woman. Men and women need to respect each other and not be divided! Settling in a relationship may have different meanings there is settling with someone where you really don't want to be with them but you feel like you have to be with them in order to get what you want such as a relationship and marriage and then there is the settling where you want to settle with that person for the rest of your life until death do us apart and that's the type of settling I want!

xweert123 · 2024-03-16T23:25:45+00:00

This is very much just you being too far inside your own head. This is very much just the result of deep-rooted insecurity and has no basis on reality.

It's important to understand that social settings are always extremely complex and that it's very rare for you to be someone's "First choice" solely because of how many people are out there. But if you are in a relationship with someone, it isn't because they just needed a relationship and decided to settle on you.

A relationship requires maintenance and work on both sides, and if someone chooses to be with you, it's because they genuinely enjoy being with you and wanting to spend time with you. Relationships aren't hollow, performative actions, where it's all about making appearances and just having a convenient person to be with. The fact that you think this is true and common says a lot more about you than it does about the rest of the world.

Healthy_Television10 · 2024-03-17T00:59:13+00:00

It's sounds like some kind of capitalist market metaphor wrongly applied to human relationships.

NegativeKarmaVegan · 2024-03-16T15:20:18+00:00

Wouldn't this apply for everyone on earth but the most handsome guy alive?

azucarleta · 2024-03-16T19:18:29+00:00

As someone who struggles, and just got dumped not long ago by someone who does not struggle, I'm over that. I've lost faith that people who do not struggle "get it" or care. They don't. Most of my friends already were strugglers, and in the last year I lost two more friends who were not.

All this to say: I'm really only interested in people who struggle. Struggle to survive, struggle to fit in, struggle to want to live year after year, yknow? This is the type of person I want because this is a person I understand, who I trust can understand me, yknow?

At one time I was attracted the security I perceived that would come with partnering with someone who does not struggle, so yes perhaps that is the guy I "actually wanted." But I've come to learn they aren't trustworthy lol.

It's not always "settling" just because it's not the storybook ending. Someone might learn after trying other options that you are exactly the kind of partner they want, and dude--that's how it always goes. Don't impose this "first choice"/settle thing and feel bad about yourself.

Ambitious-Goose9528 · 2024-03-17T15:20:52+00:00

Listen no matter if you are a man or woman their will always be someone "better" there's always someone "stronger", "richer", "younger". How can you live in fear that your partner will leave you when the next best things comes along. If everyone thought like this we would all be to scared to get into relationships. Being in a relationship is about commitment to that person and accepting them for their best and worst selves...it's about growing togeather. You need to seriously overcome your fears, they are irrational and not true to real life.

EcstaticYoung8856 · 2024-03-18T20:29:33+00:00

Welcome to the human condition. Many women feel the same exact way I promise you. Even pretty women. You want a heart connection. You deserve it. There's a lid for every pot

Title	I feel like I’ll never be someone’s first choice
Author	Candid_Drawer_4856
Upvotes	22
Comments	37
Date	March 16, 2024 8:59 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/1bg1tp7/i_feel_like_ill_never_be_someones_first_choice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/i-feel-like-ill-never-be-someones-first-choice.1426199 https://theredarchive.com/post/1426199

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