I'm thinking about a movie that will potentially age really poorly in the next 10-20 years called the 40 year old virgin. The lead character was a man who seemingly was happy with the life he built. He liked his job, he had his hobbies, he got along well with his coworkers and (presumably although they aren't shown) got on well with his family members.

The one thing that sends his life into a spiral is that despite his age he'd never had sex or been in a relationship. That's the joke. The whole movie then ends up being him developing and trying to confront his neuroses around intimacy and fear of failure and rejection as well as ultimately modifying his life to fit into what the social expectations for a man his age are(be a father, have 'grown up(for 2005 anyway)'hobbies, be married) and we're supposed to be assured that this is what he really wanted this whole time and his happiness prior to that was a sham.

I wonder, what might the film have been like if his friends just accepted him for who he was? I think of the things that people often associate with masculinity and that most men tend to draw their confidence from, and are validated by women(their height, the bass in their voice, the ease with which they can maintain an athletic or slim build, their 'normal'[for the lack of a better term] bone structure with broad shoulders or defined jawline/facial hair)

Most of that stuff is out of a man's control. If he's obese or can't put on weight, if he has a receding jaw or hairline or abnormal physique, if he may be neurodivergent. These things will make his overall journey a more challenging one, and one filled with more frustrations, rejections and emotional pain than the man who doesn't have these deficits.

So then I ask: is it bad to tell these men "unfortunately you didn't win the genetic lottery, and although you're a great friend, coworker, and sibling/uncle/cousin. That doesn't mean you'll do well in dating. That's okay. It's okay to take the time, money and other resources you've spent trying to get dates and put that into your career, hobbies, and skill development/travels. It is okay to give up on dating and find meaning and fulfillment in your life doing other things. Perhaps that's what you were meant for? Perhaps most media you consume includes romantic relationships because these are easier ways of showing character development and re-enforcing cultural norms? Perhaps you're not a freak, loser, or bad person because one avenue is closed to you, or achievable only with a level of hard work and luck that others don't seem to need. Perhaps it's okay for you to find peace in other ways and that's the great thing about life?"

What are your thoughts on encouraging men to give up on one avenue but pour their energies into another? Sometimes I think about all the time and money I spent on dating apps, advice books, videos and seminars, dates that never went anywhere, relationships that ended after a few months because she just wasn't feeling it anymore or couldn't even articulate the reason. I sometimes think, would I have learned any new languages if I took that time and used it on language classes? Would I have been retired by now because of all the stocks I would've been able to be an early investor on? Would I be known as a local humanitarian from the hours of volunteering I'd have put in?

Just my personal side of the story, but it feels to me that a lot of men when they give up, go to a dark place rather than feeling like there are people that support their choice and will encourage them to keep living and build a legacy in another way. I've seen so many stories of men contemplating or going through with suicide because they feel invisible and unwanted. I can't help but wonder if we would be saving lives if we told more men that they could genuinely live an alternative lifestyle and be happy. If there were versions of the 40 year old virgin where the response to his situation isn't "yo we need to get you laid man! You're missing out!" Bit rather "hey it sounds like you went through some stuff we didn't and that kept you from experiencing what we did. Does that bother you? Do you want help to try again or are you happy as you are? "