Hi! I’m a researcher in the social sciences. My ex knows my main handle, so I’m posting on this alt instead.

My research specialty is attachment — specifically, I’m interested in the patterns within which people form relationships with others. Here’s a rundown on the types of attachment patterns in children and adults, if you’re not familiar.

Do you often find yourself pining after fuckboys who pull you closer when it’s convenient but push you away as soon as it isn’t? Do you find that you only feel “chemistry” with people who are inconsistent and not completely emotionally available, even when you have nothing in common and don’t really like or respect them that much? Then it’s likely that you have anxious attachment, which is more common in women, and are thus attracted to people with avoidant attachment, which is more common in men. People with insecure attachment only comprise about half the population, but are overrepresented in the dating pool because secure attachers tend to attach to each other and stay in healthy, fulfilling relationships. What’s going on here is:

  • Your needs were inconsistently met either as a child or in your significant adult relationships.
  • Especially if this was in childhood, the relationship was isolating/codependent, or you didn’t manage to escape this behavior soon after it started, this was traumatizing on an evolutionary level — humans fundamentally need to belong (our ability to work together is a lot of why we’re so successful as a species!), human babies and children are almost entirely incapable of independent survival, and the brain will respond with hypervigilance when attachment needs are inconsistently met.
  • Your brain feels driven as a defense mechanism to relive the experience and resolve it.
  • The “chemistry” you’re feeling is not love — it’s fear. Literally physiological arousal. It’s your central nervous system trying to protect you by attaching and getting its needs met in ways that once were effective. Your brain did what it was supposed to do. It learned.

If you find that you attach very quickly and tend to attach more when someone demonstrates that they’re ambivalent or indifferent about you, it’s likely that you have this problem.

Here’s what you can do (besides see a therapist well-versed in attachment): * The best way to heal insecure attachment is to have relationships with consistent, securely-attached people, and set boundaries/maintain distance from those who don’t. This will help you trust and value yourself, and these relationships don’t have to be romantic. Seek a healthy and supportive work environment. Spend time with emotionally healthy friends and family members. Pets (specifically dogs) can help a lot with this, too. * NEVER chase. The MOMENT a dating prospect demonstrates inconsistency at least within the first several months of knowing them or without what you’re certain is a very good reason, you drop everything and head for the hills. It might go against your instincts, but don’t try to fix it. Don’t try to control it or get them to come back. This includes “playing it cool” by pretending you don’t notice. Just leave. It doesn’t matter whether a man is inconsistent because he’s avoidant-attached, or if it’s because he just doesn’t like you, specifically. He’s incapable of meeting your needs. He will make this problem WORSE, and showing yourself that you can escape unfulfilling situations and rely on yourself instead will do wonders in easing your attachment anxiety. * It’s better for you to fail to give someone the benefit of the doubt early on and be wrong than to get yourself stuck in yet another trauma spiral. * Learn how to spot secure attachment. The person should neither be too desperate/invested nor emotionally distant. Their feelings and needs should be pretty consistent and shouldn’t drastically change based on the day. What you’re looking to avoid is hot/cold, or vacillation between “you’re the love of my life” and “get away from me, I need space” from potential partners. Attachment patterns can take time to come out, so make sure you take that time. Remember that more than half of the people you encounter in the dating pool will NOT be securely attached. This should be a disqualifier for you. * Spend time alone, not only with your own thoughts but paying attention to the physical sensations which accompany your feelings. * Develop a sense of intuition, which will help make that little voice shouting “something’s not right!” loud enough to help you avoid people and situations which don’t serve you. Mindfulness, boundaries, and self-care/self-respect are huge for this.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have questions. :)