I was inspired to write this post after another I recently read— some tough love about examining our behaviors and praising the bare minimum from men.

Different advice works for different people. For me, I like concrete and actionable steps that I can take for improvement. In that vein, I’ve written a list below. Please do add to it in the comments!

Also, as the title mentions, I’m aiming this towards FDS newcomers and women who want to embody the independence of FDS but still find themselves putting up with male nonsense, hoping for dates, and wishing they had a boyfriend.

In the beginning, when you haven’t yet fully internalized taking 100% control of your life and not wasting time on men, you may feel tempted to still secretly pine for a boyfriend and continue searching for one, but you justify it to yourself by saying “I know FDS now, so things can’t possibly go wrong.” Well actually, they can because at this stage, the entire approach is still hinged on the belief that your life is not going to be complete without a man. Even with FDS in mind, that won’t bode well for you!

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What does it mean to de-center men?

For me, it means discarding the belief that you need one to have a complete and satisfying life. ————————————

Hence these steps are preventative measures to stop yourself from being tempted to focus on men:

1. Delete all your dating apps. All of them! Don’t just delete the app from your phone, delete your entire account. In doing so, you are telling yourself that you will never use dating apps / sites again. There’s no need for them in a you-centered life.

2. Write down all of the fun stuff that you were looking forward to in a relationship. For me, this included fun brunches, dinner dates, bath bombs, day trips to nearby cities, traveling, doing fun outdoor activities, and more. Ask yourself: can’t I do these by myself or with a friend? The answer is yes! Make some plans (I know I know, Covid, but maybe make them for next year) to communicate to yourself that you can have all the fun activities without being dependent on a man showing up to do them with you.

3. Fill your time up so you have a fulfilling personal life and won’t have time to be thinking about a man. For me, this meant I started cooking all my meals, I got the dog I always wanted and teach her tricks, I make sure to facetime my friends at least x times per week, and more. By filling up your time doing what you love and what makes you proud, you will begin to internalize the fact that your life fulfillment and enjoyment is not dependent on anyone else.

4. If possible, try to maximize your job satisfaction. There are many arguments to be made about whether or not it’s a good idea to “love” your job, but the fact is for most of us, we spend the majority of our waking hours at work. It does not improve our life quality to have a job that makes us miserable. So if you are unhappy at your job, try to make an action plan for how you might level up your career or try a new direction to have a more satisfying job life.

Note: I know this is pretty vague, but this will look different to everyone depending on finances and what options are available. I hope this does not come off as me being rude or ignorant towards people who don’t like their jobs.

1. Until you feel 100% happy with your personal life, where you are not thinking about getting a boyfriend, and you feel proud, confident, and fulfilled... don’t date any men!

I believe if you enter a date with even a little part of you thinking you really need a boyfriend or else your life will be incomplete, then that little part of you will be impressed with the bare minimum, ignoring red and yellow flags, and otherwise clowning you and centering him. Wait until you feel completely centered in yourself and have gone a long time without even thinking about getting a boyfriend.

At the point where you are ready to get into the dating world— if you ever do choose to— you will probably be thinking “meh, I could take it or leave it,” and that is the sign that you are ready. It means you are satisfied enough with your own life that you’d never accept a man unless he brought something amazing to your life.

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I hope at least some of this was helpful— please do add more in the comments as this was just from my own life and I’d love to learn other ways to level up my life!