Dating a divorced man with children?

_bethiebabes · 2020-11-24T01:39:50+00:00

Age gap relationships are a cesspool of dysfunction, avoid avoid avoid!! 🚨🚨🚨

Samvanderkamp123 · 2020-11-24T01:46:12+00:00

Oh God. I’m sure other people will comment on the age difference.

My first thought is did he cheat on his wife? Women with younger children tend not to initiate a divorce. I would be very wary of any “we just drifted apart”.

Second, you will be in a relationship with him and his ex-wife. All your free time will have to be negotiated with her. She can screw up all your plans if she decides to be difficult.

Third, divorced men love to get the girlfriend to parent their kids. So you get to deal with your toddler and baby plus his two sons. Bliss.

SuitablePerformance3 · 2020-11-24T01:56:09+00:00

I'm gonna say that either he's a loser of a dad and an lvm or he's dedicated in which case you'll never be first. You'll end up being a step mom with all the expectations that come with it, and will so be secondary to his life. You'll have to deal with the biological mother as well. It's a really complicated situation and honestly I couldn't do it personally. I want to be the first priority, not the add on.

Edit: I completely missed the 40s part,he is not "normal", he wouldn't be into you if he was. You're old enough to be his daughter for Christ's sake, what the hell would he see in you except someone moldable? Would you ever see anything in someone younger than you? No? Then why is he coming after you. He's a creep. Steer clear.

Sage_Planter · 2020-11-24T01:48:19+00:00

When I was in my late 20s, I dated a divorced man with elementary school kids for almost three years (living together for one). I would highly recommend against it.

Dating a dad is not impossible, but it comes with its own special brand of misery. Your relationship is going to be complicated beyond anything you could possibly imagine. As you two become more serious, his kids and their mom will have an increasingly bigger power over your lifestyle, schedule, priorities, etc. Over 70% of re-marriages with children end in divorce because people simply do not understand stepfamily dynamics. The vast majority of advice about how to be a stepmom is absolute trash and equates to "stuff your feelings down and suck it up, princess!" At every turn, you're told your feelings don't matter and that you need to sacrifice yourself to the family of origin.

Feel free to DM me if you want more insight. I'd be happy to chat. While I learned a ton and matured so much during that relationship, I would never do it again (unless I had kids of my own).

NotSoSmartChick · 2020-11-24T02:20:05+00:00

One thing to keep in mind dating a dad is he gets to parent his current kids however he wants, and you have no say. He may expect to parent your future children exactly the same, but these will also be your children, you may want to do things differently. There may also be resentment between your step kids and your kids.

Also, your firsts will be old news to him. Your first time finding out you’re pregnant, the first sonogram, first kick, childbirth - he’s been there and done that, with someone else.

That being said, I married a man who’d already had kids, though they were adults so the parenting issues I mentioned early on weren’t a problem with us.

warinmymind94 · 2020-11-24T01:58:15+00:00

Personally, it seems like that is too large of an age gap. To put it into perspective im in my mid 20s and my parents are in their mid 40s. He would be old enough to be my father. 20 ish years is so large its hard to find stuff in common and he may be predatory as far as looking for a young "trophy wife" or may associate the age gap with you being "younger and dumber" so easier for him to manipulate or treat poorly. Hes most likely looking for a woman to help him raise his kids as well as help out financially. He might also be hoping for a bang maid. It doesn't matter. Don't trust or bother.

My advice is don't even bother, steer far, far away from older men and fathers. Date men your age or just a few years older that are also child free and have a similar education/ similar or better salary (ish) to your own. Studies show couples with similar interests tend to be more stable and compatible.

honeybeeroll · 2020-11-24T02:37:26+00:00

This type of relationship comes with a lot of additional things you need to vet than if was never married, not a father, and closer in age

Before I get into it, I am writing all these things based on the experience of a close friend and her husband. Theirs was a similar situation although they were both 5 to 7 years younger than you guys. I have always liked her husband, he does a lot for her, a lot for his kids, a lot for their kids, and gets along very well w/ his ex wife. My friend also get along well with the ex wife. Their relationship had a specific set of challenges that you need to watch out for w/ him.

1) The age gap. Please be sure to read the handbook about this. If an older man dates a much younger woman, 9 times out of 10 it's because he thinks she will be easier to control, or because he ties a woman's worth to her appearance. My friend and her husband are literally like the only successful big age gap I've ever seen. What are the ages of the women he's dated since the break up? If they're all significantly younger, forget about him.

Think about are you also prepared to be the most physically active one with your kids? Women usually end up doing most childcare anyway, but bear in mind if you had kids w/ him, he'd be almost 50 when they're young, and becoming less physically capable of caring for your kids each day. I know he's athletic, but you don't bounce back at 50 the way you do 30, and you need fuckin energy and fast recovery for kids.

Also, be prepared for the fact that he's going to pass away a lot sooner than you. Sorry if that's morbid but it's something you really have to think about. My grandparents were 8 years apart - my grandma has been w/o my grandfather 17 years and counting. Her marriage was of course worth it despite all this time w/o him now, but this is something you are agreeing to accept when you date someone significantly older.

2) the divorce. Learning why he really got divorced is important. Don't believe just what he tells you. You have to talk to this ex wife. Like not right this second, but if he doesn't want you to meet her, that's a red flag. If he has a bad relationship with her, that's a red flag.

Even if the ex is totally cool and they get along, bear in mind her parenting style may create problems for you and your kids. More than once my friends step kids have shown up to her place sick because their mother seem to not understand that diseases are communicable (maybe w/ covid she now does...). One of her step kids had problems with succeeding in school before, and it's partly because the mom doesn't put a lot of emphasis on education. This resulted in my friend having to get involved in the kids grades.

3) The kids. Are you ready to be a mom right now? Because in dating this guy you will be his children's second mom. When he's got the kids for the weekend, you're going to help take care of them. You're going to cook, clean, you're going to help with homework. Yes, they're his kids and he should actively participate, but as a step mom you can't like, not do nothing. Dating someone with kids, this is what you agree to, that you will be involved in his children's lives.

4) what kind of father is he? When my friends husband lived near his children after the divorce, he used to pick them up from school whenever he wasnt at work, as one example of not shirking parental responsibility after a divorce. They had been dating a few months when he told my friend she was the most important woman in his life aside from his only daughter. He's always shown he's always going to do the best for his kids. You have to watch VERY carefully what he chooses to do when he's not working. How much time does he choose to spend w/ his kids?

Long list but just as an observer, these are things I've seen be important. The best thing you can do though is read the entire handbook MULTIPLE times, BELIEVE it as truth, hang out on this sub everyday, and trust your gut!

The first 3 will help you develop a good mindset to date by. Sort of like FDS sets your dating compass North to success. If a man does something to spin it around so crazy its now facing South to failure for you success tor him, your gut WILL feel something is off, due to internalizing what you read here. If something feels off about him, his behavior, whatever, trust your gut. You don't need more evidence, you don't need to give him a 2nd chance. This goes for any guy

Platipus6 · 2020-11-24T03:13:38+00:00

He already has 2 small children and wants more?? so he can neglect the ones who need the most parenting and guidance in their formative years?? what a deadbeat. That means he left when they were 2 and 4, why is that? Can't hack being a parent when kids aren't cool and he's not getting 100% attention from wifey?

Trust he's going to do the same to you.

Except now he has shitty expired sperm and your children have a higher risk of defects.

Hell to the naw. Find a younger, fertile man. Pref 25-30, who can give you and your children 100% attention and resources.

Dude is a serial baby-daddy.

BlueberriesandCream5 · 2020-11-24T02:17:09+00:00

Oh my god. What does a 40 year old have in common with a 20-something? NOTHING. I’m in my 20s and I have my whole life ahead of me. I still have room for promotions or to get transferred to another major city or to buy a house or have kids if I wanted. My boss’s boss is probably around 40. He’s already more than halfway to retirement. He probably has a few more rungs to climb but really, he’s in the process of training young talent and getting ready to secure that pre-retirement cushy job within the next decade. When he’s 50, he won’t be staying late at the office, but 10 years from now when I’m 30-something and climbing the ladder I will be asked to take more responsibilities and I will be staying late and appearing in front of execs as the bright new face. A guy in his 40s is not going to want to re-do his youth with you and he will not be in the same life stages. And if he does want to relive his youth, that means he’s stuck in life and doesn’t know how to grow, which is a red flag. RUN GIRL

blessedwiththree · 2020-11-24T02:33:43+00:00

I'm sure more will be added to think about, but my immediate thoughts:

The age gap:

You are looking at over ten years difference- men have lower life expectancy (higher chances he will die before you, you will be his caregiver, you will be in different life stages once his age sets in), he has lower sperm quality (this could make it harder to have children with him or put the children you have with him at higher risk of certain conditions), your sex life may be not as great as it could be with a man your own age (unless it's a younger man with porn induced ED), there may be a reason why he is wanting a younger woman (as in abuse or control dynamics).

Why is he divorced?

People divorce for all sorts of reasons, this in itself doesn't have to be a disqualifier. I would want to know how long his marriage lasted and why it failed. If he has been divorced for 2 years, the children were at the most 2 and 4 years old when it happened. A lot of women would not want to leave with children that young and this could mean that the situation was very bad. Based on the circumstances you will be able to determine if it's something you are comfortable with and would like to pursue something with him.

This is completely up to you, but in my opinion, you are young and successful. You still have time to have children and settle down. I would bet you probably have your pick of many men closer to your age, without so many things going on. I am 33 and divorced with three kids. At 26, I married a man my age that had been divorced with no children. I had never been married. He told me the ex wife was crazy and that she left him after three years. I bought it hook line and sinker, and I paid for it dearly. He was emotionally abusive and narcissistic and ended up leaving me and our three kids. I still would not consider being with a man more than 10 years older for the reasons I listed above. I would definitely consider a divorced man with or without kids (it would depend on the circumstances). I also have had no problem attracting men younger, within my age range and older even with my circumstances.

yesmme · 2020-11-24T04:30:15+00:00

No thanks. He sounds like damaged goods. Next.

dntbfllikeidid · 2020-11-24T03:24:33+00:00

Didn’t even finish reading, cause all I needed to know are summarized in 2 words: age gap. Run while you still can!

fetchingmorbid · 2020-11-24T04:10:47+00:00

🚩🚩🚩

daisyinflux · 2020-11-24T02:16:14+00:00

I would LOVE to know what you found attractive in a guy that age. It gives me the heeby jeebies! I’m glad you decided to run!

vulture2112 · 2020-11-24T02:40:53+00:00

In addition to what everyone else said, it’s hard on the kids for their parents attention to be focused on a new relationship instead of them. I wouldn’t want to do that to kids who are too young to have any say in it.

Jiou112 · 2020-11-24T06:33:11+00:00

I love reading this for the first time after the edits 😂 Watching growth all in one post is heart warming.

fireforestfairy · 2020-11-24T06:44:13+00:00

You'll need to know about the realities of dating a guy with kids.

The guy and society expects you to be nice to his kids and treat them as if they were your own. If you don't, the guy will probably leave you and you'll get labelled as a bad person by society. You'll hence probably end up being super nice to the kids if you two don't break up.

And then the mom comes into the picture. You probably don't understand this as you don't have kids at the moment, but she'll probably dislike another women trying to parent her kids. Most women really hate the idea of going through 10 months of pregnancy, the pain of childbirth, and 24/7 parenting only for their kids to become more attached to another woman as a mother figure. Yes, you inevitably ended up in that role but she'll probably perceive you as "stealing" her kids and her role as a mother no matter how nice she is. Even women who are more understanding will feel "uncomfortable" if her kids become too attached to you. The more hostile ones will be cold and rude/passive-aggressive towards you and brainwash their kids with the idea that you're some "evil stepmother" (which is not that hard to do given how kids are exposed to fairytales which often portray stepmothers as evil narcissists). This may lead to the kids to hate you but you'll still have to be nice to them and it's frustrating.

You're probably looking at caring for someone else's kids as similar to a teacher looking after students or caring for someone else's pets but it's different. Mothers don't feel "threatened" about teachers "stealing" their kids as teachers don't live with their students, only interact with the students in a professional manner, and most students lose contact with their teacher when they graduate anyway (unlike you who will never fade from her kid's life if you don't leave the guy). Pet owners do not have the same emotional bond with their pets as mothers have with their kids as pet owners don't go through pregnancy and childbirth and are not biologically related to their pets.

All in all, you'll end up in a conflicted position as the dad expects you to care for his kids as if they were yours while the mom expects you to leave parenting duties to her. The kids will either hate you or like you, and if they like you, chances are the birth mom will hate you for that (which means you're stuck with at least one person hating you and you can't cut ties with that person). You'll inevitably perform parenting duties to please the dad yet the kids and society will never acknowledge you as their mom despite your hard work.

ellbelly1 · 2020-11-24T04:36:40+00:00

Agreed with everyone saying women don’t initiate divorce when kids are so young and if they do it’s because he was absolutely terrible! So that leaves the reason why they separated resting squarely on his shoulders and you don’t want that.

I remember chatting with a guy who had 2 young kids and he said that his future gf will be the go between for him and his ex, to pick up and drop off his kids because he can’t stand to see her. Wtf! The disdain for women that ZVM had. He was in his mid forties, still renting a shit house, 2 young kids (6,3), multiple side hustles (MLM was one of them), he had no idea how to run a house, just rank.

Another guy he was in his forties with two older kids (10,8) and he was a sex fiend all he wanted to do was talk absolute disgusting trash about all the sexual things he wanted to do.

Don’t go for these guys. Not to mention men with kids are the absolute lowest when it comes to treating women with kids. They don’t respect her and her position as the main caregiver. He will hardly see his kids and when he does he’ll think he’s the absolute king of all fathers. He will expect you to organise his and his kids lives. Or he’ll use his kids as a way to not even want to be close with you because IvE bEen HuRt. There’s just so much to say about this.

Not to mention the age gap. Why is a 40 something man with a kids doing with a woman in her 20’s? He wants to be able to manipulate you and it’s gross if he doesn’t see value in women his own age but you know why THEY DONT WANT HIM!

Davina33 · 2020-11-24T08:34:37+00:00

Nooo! Get far far away!

Probably-A-Witch · 2020-11-24T01:39:00+00:00

There's nothing wrong with being divorced with kids....male or female. If you're curious / interested, talk to him. Do your due diligence. Hope things go well

Title	Dating a divorced man with children?
Author	BlueberriesandCream5
Upvotes	33
Comments	56
Date	November 24, 2020 1:33 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/jzvd3o/dating_a_divorced_man_with_children/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/dating-a-divorced-man-with-children.726739 https://theredarchive.com/post/726739

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