How do you avoid intelligent LVM?

crescent_loon · 2020-10-25T20:31:07+00:00

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electroloop · 2020-10-25T19:25:32+00:00

Do you feel he followed the typical narcissist script of lovebombing, devaluing, triangulation, and discarding? This is a very common pattern among narcissists including the so-called intelligent ones. You have to train yourself to recognize these patterns and if you are a woman who’s had a narc ex, you’ll quickly realize that all relationships with males like this follow the same trajectory.

MagnfiqueMaleficent · 2020-10-25T20:32:10+00:00

One thing I’ve learned is that people who feel the need to constantly talk about having a certain quality often are the opposite. Someone who’s truly kind doesn’t need to constantly remind others that they’re kind and someone who’s truly honest doesn’t need to constantly remind others that they’re honest.

Also, what you described isn’t normal behaviour. You should look into narcissism.

2020-10-25T19:56:13+00:00

Tbh that sounds like a narcissist. I suggest you research on narcs and how to avoid them. Good luck.

Ok-Fee-6353 · 2020-10-25T19:48:37+00:00

he talked a big game about honesty and loyalty

So did my cheating ex.... hmm...

Vetting is a continual process. He doesn't get to pass some test 3 months in, or 6, or 12, or ten years. Not only because people hide some aspects of themselves, but because people change. Honestly? You'll change too, and maybe he won't be able to handle it and treat you differently.

Sounds like you're on top of things- you might have been fooled by a good actor, but you didn't hesitate or excuse it when you found out the truth.

thinktwiceorelse · 2020-10-25T22:52:24+00:00

If there's a discrepancy between your head and your gut feeling. It's usually there. When you think about him, he seems pretty normal, but if you have a weird feeling that doesn't wanna go away, you should be suspicious and you should watch him closely. Or even dump him, if you trust your gut 100%.

jjlew922 · 2020-10-25T23:30:47+00:00

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honeybeeroll · 2020-10-25T21:04:17+00:00

Another woman just posted here today about her ex who lied about being married during the 2 years of their relationship, and how to this day she can't believe that he was lying, he was that good. I bring it up because a commonality with your story - dude always talked about honesty, how important it was to him, how honest he was. If being a certain way is important to someone, they live their life like that, they don't talk about it constantly.

It is still hard though. All you can do is maintain emotional detachment and constantly tell yourself you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop with him.

GreatRedYonder · 2020-10-25T22:24:38+00:00

Don't date potential or ideals, look at the man in front of you objectively and make a clear assessment based on that.

Do your research and NEVER overlook red flags.

jjlew922 · 2020-10-26T01:29:13+00:00

I’ve been working on a piece on covert vulnerable narcissists. I find the highly intellectual LVM use a ton of manipulation - primary gaslighting (you miss understood) and diversion (direct the convo away to something they know more about or one up to loosely tied topic). Personally, I find they’re the most insidious types of narcissist and if you’ve found yourself with a Machiavellian type, it’s ugly. Dark psychology. Swallowed every red pill. You’ve now just inspired me to finish my writings on this and post it here 😅.

pipeuptopipedown · 2020-10-25T20:53:47+00:00

Even the most advanced psychopath has a difficult time keeping it up for longer than 6 months. I've had guys where they seem to be saying all the right things but then around 3 and 4 months they start to slip and then their full garbage personality is on display in month 6 or even in month 9 or 12. it's because they're putting on a false persona and that's very difficult to do because it takes a lot of effort and they can slip up, especially if they are not feeling enough dependence from you which causes more pressure within them to try to trick you into mental dependence (these type of men want you to be frantically refreshing your phone waiting for their text because that makes them feel powerful). I'm specifically talking about guys who tried to put on a false persona, not guys who just aren't that into you because you can tell those guys because they just aren't making very much effort.

Sure, maybe you have one psychopath who totally escapes detection for years, but most guys cannot keep it up for longer than 4 months and you can tell who these guys are because they get really impatient and upset around month three and four when they see you are not just immediately falling head over heels for them. I had one guy and he had like this weird frantic energy, we had only been on a couple of dates and it was just such a weird frantic chaotic energy. these men absolutely rely on you going full starry eyed and being instantly in love with them like we used to do when we were 16 years old.

they literally cannot function if you are not texting them all the time, asking them if they are serious about you, whatever whatever pick me stuff. one guy absolutely lost his fucking mind because I would go several hours without texting him, like I would text him at lunch and then not look at my phone until I got off work and finished with dinner and I would have like three or four texts and he would be kind of panicked. If a guy is crazy about you, he's going to tell himself to not freak you out (example being Lisa bonet's husband). if he really thinks you are the one, he's not going to think it's a big deal that you didn't answer your phone within 8 hours. He's going to call you just to talk but it's not going to be like a frantic thing where you feel like he's trying to suck up all your time because men do that as well, they try to blow up your phone constantly with texting, calls so you think you're special.. but this is just his way to hook you into his manipulative net. I would just take it nice and slow and if you notice a guy getting really frantic that you won't text him back immediately or that you won't make last minute plans or that you won't sleep with him right away or you won't see him four times a week in the beginning, it's a big red flag... even if he's saying all the right things otherwise.

Even if you confront him and you say hey man you're going way too fast, and he politely apologizes and scales it back for one week, it doesn't count if he ramps it back up the next week. one time a guy asked me if I could hang out/go on a date on Wednesday. this was on Sunday and I told him I was so sorry but I'm not available until Friday but I'm happy to get together on friday. he asked me again on Monday Tuesday and Wednesday night if I was available to get together on Wednesday. If a guy just completely disregards your boundaries like that, don't try to explain to him how boundaries work because that will drain you and put you further into his emotional net. Don't fall for this dependence that men actively try to Foster within you if they are off like this.

Books that helped me understand and avoid included "the gift of fear", "how to spot a dangerous man" "why does he do that?"

of course I also love the audiobook "not your mother's rules" by Ellen fein and Sherry Schneider. I've listened to it so many times and I honestly spend zero effort on dating now because no man who falls outside of the parameters of "the rules" is really that interested in you anyway. It's basically fds in book format.

bad men are seriously turned off by the rules because they want to be seeing you five times a week sleeping over, texting you all day long, etc. they want to be prying into your personal life history on the first date and so the rules has really helped me with boundaries in terms of avoiding these succubus men.

Fearlessfell · 2020-10-25T20:57:31+00:00

I think this type of vetting comes from experience. I fell for my ex who was very well read on psychology and had a 10 year history of manipulating women before he met me. My personal evolution and strong boundaries are what is going to help me see past someone like him in the future. There’s always a lesson we haven’t learned yet, which is why we have this community of women helping each other out to spot the signs.

It’ll take time to learn. But know that when you are fully grounded and know yourself, it’ll be close to impossible for you to fall for that again. Keep working on yourself!

PorkNeckBone · 2020-10-25T21:12:59+00:00

+1 on the he sounds like a narc.

Also, always pay attention to your gut feeling. If you feel like something is off, it most likely is. Pay attention to his body language, tone of voice, general behaviors. It's something that you'll get a better feel for as you do it, but you start to recognize genuine reactions vs those that are rehearsed.

Summerisle7 · 2020-10-25T22:51:00+00:00

Look at what he does, not what he says.

Twolipz_78 · 2020-10-25T23:53:15+00:00

Separate actions from words. Only look at their character, not looks jobs or conversation. Be very direct and assertive about what you want and what is important to you. If they are LV they will find a way to always be busy and run away from that

crescent_loon · 2020-10-26T06:50:47+00:00

The first time you 'can't believe' he did something, believe it.

And get out.

MagnfiqueMaleficent · 2020-10-25T22:25:48+00:00

It happened to me. Read all the info you can on covert narcissism. There will be red flags but they will be more subtle at first. It’s easy to dismiss them if he “looks good on paper.”

Gourmay · 2020-10-26T04:18:08+00:00

Time. I’ve been with many LVMs/narcs who masqueraded as HVM and their mask always came off after a few months (in my case three but it can take longer). That’s why you should make sure to cultivate healthy and gradual attachment. When they lovebomb, make sure to put space in between you two so that your joy and serotonin rush also comes from hobbies, friends, and family.

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2020-10-25T20:21:47+00:00

Check their phone and their profiles and their computer once in awhile. Drop by their house unannounced occasionally. Make friends with their friends and co-workers so that hopefully they'll tell you if he does.

Other than that learn how to vet even more.

Still we will be occasionally blindsided.

FDSxMuffinVSrat · 2020-10-26T10:34:28+00:00

There's no way to stop someone from cheating on you.

Honestly? It could have been that he genuinely intended to be loyal, but he thought more with his penis than brain when the opportunity arose. Maybe you weren't played; maybe he was just weaker than he thought and promised a loyalty to you that he couldn't deliver.

If he was intentionally deceptive, I don't think there's anything you can do about that. In fact, you may even just get lucky in discovering he cheated at all. The best things to do:

be firm about you boundaries. Do not compromise.
trust your gut. If your gut says snoop, do it.
have friends that can help you evaluate any issues. A female friend with your best interests in mind can help protect you and remind you of what your values are if you ever lose sight.

2020-10-26T02:47:38+00:00

“Does he love me, I want to know How can I tell if he loves me so Is it in his eyes, oh no you'll be deceived Is it in his eyes, oh no you'll make believe If you want to know, if he loves you so It's in his kiss That's where it is, oh yeah

Or is it in his face, oh no it's just his charm In his warm embrace, oh no that's just his arm If you want to know, if he loves you so It's in his kiss That's where it is, oh it's in his kiss That's where it is, oh-oh

Kiss him and squeeze him tight And find out what you want to know If it's love, if it really is It's there in his kiss

How 'bout the way he acts, oh no that's not the way And you're not listening to all I say If you want to know, if he loves you so It's in his kiss, that's where it is Oh yeah it's in his kiss, that's where it is”

I interpret this as meaning — it’s the overall vibe and experience of him that you’ll know, not in any one “tell”.

2020-10-26T04:32:15+00:00

I actually don't believe they exist. All LVM by definition are low on intelligence. Logic and emotions are synthesized in the smartest of people, and LVM are truly lacking in the emotions department.

You're talking about simply LVM who know something about something. To me that's just knowledge, not intelligence. How to avoid? Know what red flags to look for. Arm YOURSELF with knowledge. Knowledge plus EQ is much stronger than knowledge alone. So you would always be able to tell. No one, and I mean no one, is that good of an actor once you know what to look for.

Source: my knowledge of psychology based upon years of reading and application, plus my experience in beating narcs by playing on a bigger chess board and with more pieces

redfarmmmmm · 2020-10-26T07:48:50+00:00

mirror his actions
be very passive and passive aggressive so he has to plan dates and do everything

If a guy hints cheating on me, i dont blame him or rather, i go on a date with other guy.

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Title	How do you avoid intelligent LVM?
Author	BleuRaspbery
Upvotes	130
Comments	45
Date	October 25, 2020 7:13 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/jhz4q6/how_do_you_avoid_intelligent_lvm/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-do-you-avoid-intelligent-lvm.325786 https://theredarchive.com/post/325786

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