How To Avoid The “Nice Guy”

Growing up, I’m sure many of us have been told to avoid the “bad boy”. The guy who clearly is a player, who gives you too many compliments or ices you out to play hard to get. Even when we as women get hurt by men, we get told that we should’ve picked a better guy or went after the nice guy. The nice guy is much worst than the so-called “bad guy”.

(Trigger warning for the next section)

Growing up, I didn’t have the best self-esteem so I dated many men lower than my league. I would get plenty of men asking me out, but the ones who had the clear red signs I avoided and went for the nice guys instead.

The “nice guys” are where I experienced abuse for years. They were the ones who sexually harassed/abused me, who raped me, who emotionally abused me. They are the men who financially, physically and mentally abused me. Who threatened to find me and kill me for rejecting or breaking up with them. These were all men who told me they loved/liked me, who were “nice” at one point. They have such a nice front that they are beloved by their friends, their families. You can vent all you want but people many not believe you because of their public reputation so you find yourself doubting yourself. These types of men get into your head, they are to be avoided at all fucking cost.

(Trigger warning over)

So for those who may be new to setting boundaries or who may not have had experiences with nice guys, I wanted to give all of you a few warning signs to look out for

•Avoid men who give you sob stories right away This is in the handbook but again, it’s good to reiterate because most nice guys are guilty of this. They are so bitter and hateful against the world that they’ll vent to you about their problems not realizing that they’re the cause for most of their issues. They’re taking advantage of your kind nature and those sob stories will soon turn around on you. You will soon become the villain of his next story and he’ll switch between venting to you and gaslighting/arguing. Avoid men who haven’t been to therapy or start giving sob stories right away.

•Avoid any man who seems too infatuated with you

But why? You may be asking. You want a man infatuated with you you may be telling yourself but no. We want a man who appreciates us, who cares for us. Infatuation especially when it’s new and/or very strong is usually a sign of unhealthy projection. You comfort them, you make them feel loved. You’re their best friend and therapist in one go and they can’t help but keep telling you how beautiful/out of their league you are.

That tune will change eventually and soon you won’t be good enough. You complain too much. You’re too quiet. You’re too loud. You’re too sensitive.

You cannot fit into their projection anymore and they will make you feel guilty for it as they try to change you to fit back into that box of theirs.

•Avoid men that you click with too quickly

Again, a seemingly great sign but that’s why it’s so tricky to spot. You’ll find yourself clicking on everything, talking late into the night and just having a wonderful time. He’ll be very receptive during this time and it’ll seem as though you two just seem to completely understand each other. That’s part of what makes nice guys so hard to detect at first and why it may hurt so much when you fall especially if you have low self-esteem.

You believe they care. They tell you all the things you want to hear. They understand your life struggles, your insecurities, they just seem to understand. Even your hobbies are the same and it just seems too good to be true!

It is. Don’t fall prey to it. I have many many times over years because I believed they cared and that I was the one who did something wrong, that I was too clingy and ruined the connection.

I didn’t realize that they pulled away when their infatuation wore off after I didn’t live up to their projection(like I mentioned in the last point). They would slightly use my insecurities and life struggles against me. The gaslighting was so subtle such as “I’m busy, try to be understanding”(after a week or two of constant communication then suddenly cold shoulder all the time) or “You’ve changed, you’re more clingy/angry/assertive/add your word here”

Don’t fall for it. Keep that guard up and don’t let yourself be comfortable/vulnerable right away.

•Avoid men who seem too willing to help

Maybe they want to help you financially or be a shoulder to cry on but do not accept it even from people who just may seem like friends.(Unless they’re an established support pillar in your life such as childhood friend but always be careful)

I use to be poor during the toughest part of my life(but thankfully I’m much better off now!) but nice guys would see that and offer to help me. Help me financially or by listening to me. I was always cautious, told them I was weary but they promised it was okay and it was a gift/out of care. I would be in a weak moment and accept it.

What happened 99% of the time was they would use the fact that I suddenly owe them, against me for nudes, to be in a dom situation with them, to blackmail me, etc. They would tell me how they were sooo nice and I wasn’t appreciating them enough. I would be so scared during this time because I felt this relief from being able to eat or avoid homelessness and suddenly there was this catch. Suddenly I was feeling pressure in a difficult time to not lose the bit of relief or sanctuary I had and that I messed up. I truly believed I was the one in the wrong for not giving them more appreciation.

•Keep an eye out for the subtle slip ups

They may have the act up pretty well but there will always be slip ups that show their true self. A few common slip ups I’ve noticed among nice guys:

-He talks about how no one understands him

-He doesn’t show empathy in disagreements. He’ll say he didn’t mean it so why are you upset?

-Every time you bring something up, he’ll get upset that “you wanted to start another argument”

-He may make crude jokes/share dark memes

-His mood flips very quickly. Not usually with you(at first) but with others whether someone they’re playing with online or a family member

-They mention how others just don’t understand the world/his values like you do

-He stays inside most days usually on his computer/video games and complains he hates his life/has no friends but makes no efforts to change it

-Will talk your ear off about his values

-Is always down for deep discussions where he’ll most likely explain why his views are right and yours are wrong.

These are just a few of the tips for y’all. Nice guys will emotionally drain you before you realize it so it’s better to avoid them and know the signs. Never stop vetting, even your friends.

I get told often that my standards are high, that this is why I’m single, etc. but you know what? I’m so happy I’m single, that I’m free finally in my life. I’ve dated/talked to guys from age 14 to just a couple months ago. Over a decade of my life abused, disrespected, gaslit. I was insecure and took pride/validation in the fact that I could get so many guys not realizing I was not loving myself. Now I’m free to love myself, free to do whatever I want and not worry about a guy. Literally nothing better than being a queen on my own and leveling up. It’s like a relief finally. 💕

Never stop vetting y’all. You never know what a guys intentions are even if it seems good at first.