Open Relationship?

MulticoloredCatMug · 2020-12-28T03:43:14+00:00

"Ethically non-monogamous" is just a nice way of saying "I'm extremely co-dependent and I'm going to make that your problem".

AyemHerself · 2020-12-28T02:19:47+00:00

Open relationships also attract the most fragile people who don't want to change. There's a whole narrative around poly relationships being more work than monogamy, but in practice this work isn't really done.

I was in a few poly relationships in the past and I noticed the whole friend group was interconnected emotionally and sexually. Everyone wanted to bang everyone else if they hadn't already, and maybe wanted to bang them again if they already had. The people involved also had deep-seated issues like you mentioned. The guys were terrified of being single even for a moment, so they always needed at least one backup. The women had self esteem issues or more serious mental health problems.

And NOBODY was working on their issues. There was a big thing about accepting people for who they were, and that meant accepting all their neuroses and nervous habits. (There was an exception made for one woman in the group who was battling cancer, and therefore wasn't down for sexy times. Nobody held it against her but she also wasn't invited out nearly as much.)

Additionally, there's little incentive to work on your mental state when instead of it manifesting in relationship woes, you're free to find someone else to play with for a while. The result is many of the people in the poly group had collections of partners with certain "roles" they were called upon to fulfill. And your partner can just go be with someone else for a while if they're not up to coddling you. Why should you be outgoing and social ever when your partner can go out with someone else?

But yeah, poly and all the other names attract and encourage selfish and toxic behavior. But to hear poly people talk, monogamy is straight-up evil and boring.

Splatzy19 · 2020-12-28T04:43:00+00:00

I've never understood the new poly 'craze' as someone that has only in the last year really stepped into the dating scene. It just reminds me too much of religious poly relationships where they are designed for the benefit of the men. Men benefit from open relationships or poly relationships more than women do. And as much as I'd like to believe that true poly relationships can exist... As a general rule, I see it as an excuse for men especially to fuck around whenever they want. Ultimately a man should see me to be all the woman he wants/needs and more. And he should be striving to do the same for me. What does he feel like he's missing that he wants another woman? (Because be real, 99% of them want a MFF combination) And even then, how does he think he's going to give me everything I want and need as well as the other woman when we know men can barely do the bare minimum for one woman as it stands?

AngelofPenetration · 2020-12-28T04:59:12+00:00

Men are not built for having lots of sex partners - their bodies literally have built-in refractory periods.

Because of that, I’ve yet to meet a man who could keep up with me sexually. There’s no reason why I would entertain a man who wants to spread his biologically limited energy between multiple women.

Like, you wanna embarrass me in front of this nice lady? No sir!

climbergal928 · 2020-12-28T03:35:29+00:00

What I have found with ethical non monogamous and most poly (not true poly. I feel like true poly is basically the same as casually dating) is it's monogamous at it's core. They have a primary, the one they make decisions with, the one they have rent and financial agreements with, the one they marry and may even have children with.But they just want to fuck on the side in order to ignore their deep seeded neediness and inability to make actual plutonic friends. They shit on monogamy but they still like that one person to turn to. If they were truly poly you wouldn't have a primary. You'd just float from person to person.

I always wondered about those people because we all know dating is hard. It's hard finding another potential mate. It sometimes feels like a full time job. So I (sarcastically) feel ok with ENM or poly if you are fully developed in your mental health, mastered every hobby you want, learned every language you want etc etc etc. Because if you have time for another relationship you have time to better yourself and become a better person in society. And your first relationship should be in top top shape before you even think about going after another.

slight_sapphire · 2020-12-28T10:34:13+00:00

Share my partner? Ha! I don’t even share my Netflix password.

Nat_at_all · 2020-12-28T06:45:59+00:00

Ethical means... they don't have any of the commitment but expect 2x+ the sex. Wow who wins there?

circescircus · 2020-12-28T07:09:20+00:00

The only men who even want open relationships, are extreme loser types who have no idea how the real world works. Regular scrotes will go out of their way to be all "moNogAmYYYYYY" after a few dates, in order to make the woman they're seeing eliminate her other options. So he can monopolize her time, energy and emotions, so he can eliminate his competition from the get go. He might still pump and dump her or cheat on her later, but he will be MoNogaMouS.

A guy in an open relationship is very unlikely to get any action by putting "I aM PoLy" on dating apps, unlikely when he pretends to be single too, it is not easy for men to get laid, even when they are relatively good looking and well put together with social skills. A LOT of partnered men, especially those in long relationships, are delusional and severely overestimate their options, most of them look like dog shit too because they let themselves go during the relationship, never had to compete or felt any pressure to look good. A lot of partnered men also have no idea how to talk to women (they've only talked to their mommywife bangmaid for years), have poor social skills, no charms, no wit.

They end up divorcing or breaking up in most cases, because what happens is the woman gets tons of attention, while the guy is googling "open relationships hire a sex worker" and furiously ruminating about the situation he finds himself in. They try desperately to close the relationship after, but the damage is done.

Men who are all PolY KiNK types are extreme losers. This is why regular scrotes just cheat or keep one eye open/are ambiguous about their relationship status and don't put polykinkassplaydaddy as their social media handles. They have a little bit more awareness of reality, aren't completely devoid of any and all social skills and observational skills.

SeaNegotiation8 · 2020-12-28T10:17:25+00:00

Just gonna leave this here...

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=DTsdKycVZZ4&list=PL678wZiYwu2SdB2BmWDOdWe9aQVlU44CD&index=22

Ironicbanana14 · 2020-12-28T11:21:02+00:00

I just wanna say, thank you so much to everyone here saying the same exact thing I've been saying to toxic poly couples for years. I've endured so much name calling and threats from some of them. "Selfish, insecure, ugly, stupid" etc. Threatening to take my boyfriend "away" lmfao.

It's so annoying im sick of these people parroting themselves as saviors and holier than thou attitudes.

janatztxcxxx · 2020-12-28T04:48:37+00:00

Same here. Open relationship? How could you call that a relationship? I would say yes to it if my partner asks for it and slowly fade.

When a guy asks you for casual relationship treat him as the very last option. Cancel the date last minute, reply very late and sporadically and I wouldn’t even dress up when meeting him. It should always be at your convenience.

sassenachpants · 2020-12-28T05:00:44+00:00

In my experience the poly/ENM thing is used as a cover for people who are terrified or otherwise incapable of deep commitment, but also are afraid of being alone, so they have a bunch of shallow relationships.

My ex was absolutely pathologically obsessed with us opening up the relationship. He’d whine about how he was boxed in and I wasn’t prioritizing his needs. He wanted me to be his primary, and wanted to be able to date other people and come home to me and have me listen to him about it and be happy. But he was terrified of a deep commitment with me, he kept doing shit to sabotage it.

I tolerated it for a little bit (this was pre-FDS, before I renounced my pickme ways) but he kept pushing because he wanted me to be happy about it. He literally blamed me because he couldn’t get an erection with a new person he was seeing because he knew I wasn’t thrilled about it.

When it came time for me to see people he was okay if it was a woman, but there was always some crisis or reason I couldn’t see another man.

Our entire relationship was about him seeing other people. It was fucking exhausting. Poly people like to talk about how love is infinite. Love might be infinite, but time is not. There are so many hours in the day and I expect a similar kind of time commitment from a partner that I would put in. And I don’t have time for anybody else unless I start giving up personal growth and things like it.

Because of all this a potential partner saying they are poly or enm is an immediate block and delete.

2020-12-28T05:30:37+00:00

I used to identify as polyamorous for over 15 years. It took me getting into a narcissistically abusive relationship with a dude who was in a supposed “open marriage” (Spoiler Alert: that was a total lie.) to realize that my identity as non-monogamous was just a reflection of my low self esteem and co-dependence.

I have no ill will towards the “poly” scene in general. However my experiences there led me to see that most of the people in it had a lot of mental health/low self worth issues at best and at worst was a cesspool full of predators ( such as my ex was.) Either way it’s no place for this queen, and since I found FDS, I have moved on to more healthy pastures.

Pornruinedsociety · 2020-12-28T09:53:40+00:00

Poly to me is just women helping men get an ego boost and all the other benefits of a female partner multiplied. Women who do poly are helping men have sexual access to more people. I fail to see how it benefits women.

2020-12-28T13:20:00+00:00

[deleted]

EffectiveHoneydew422 · 2020-12-28T16:14:27+00:00

[deleted]

nyclaurco · 2020-12-28T20:27:54+00:00

it’s hilarious when the man pushes this, the woman reluctantly agrees, and then the woman has sex with all of the gorgeous men and women who she wants to have sex with while her grumbling male partner either gets nobody or maybe gets one other woman who looks like a walking hot topic ad from 2012 to sleep with him.

janetheautomaton · 2020-12-28T02:48:50+00:00

Poly is like communism. I can see how the concept itself could work, but people get involved and then it's just one more excuse to fuck each other.

thesedamncavities · 2020-12-28T02:08:26+00:00

Absolutely spot on

LaVerae · 2020-12-28T13:01:33+00:00

"Open" sandwiches are good though. That's how we eat them in my country. You don't need so much bread and that many carbs. You can eat more sandwiches with less unnecessary calories. Closed sandwiches are for Americans who ate too many burgers and now don't know how to eat normal sandwiches.

But I agree, open relationships are trash.

ciciplum · 2020-12-28T19:25:48+00:00

In the Netherlands a lot of women have this in their bios as well. "Equality" under patriarchy :|

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shockingupdate · 2020-12-28T05:31:49+00:00

This checks out, in my experience. I’ve definitely avoided the gaslighty ones who just want to bang lots of women while you stay home, but the codependent ones are possibly even worse. Unless you’re willing to work your hardest at being best friends and/or lovers with all of their other partners and THEIR partners.

I like choking tbh and my last poly partner was great in bed, but he definitely had a manipulative vibe to him that I couldn’t shake. All of his partners including myself were black women, but his main, whom he swore up and down he loved just as much as everyone else — the one he lived with, had a baby with, bought a house with, and whose bank account funded his business — was a white woman. 🤷🏽‍♀️ Because he was busy prepping for the baby, our first three months of “dating” were really just me showing up to his house parties. (Multitasking?) And after eight months, when the household figured out COVID protocol, what with their infant and all, I wasn’t allowed in the “bubble” because I wasn’t within convenient babysitting distance, so I ghosted. I’m sure there are nicer poly situations than this one, but if they are, I haven’t heard them yet.

Dude also seemed to be depressed every other week over an ex “unpacking his mistakes.” Was it the same ex? Different exes? Why so many? What did you do to them? Why so often???

Title	Open Relationship?
Author	EffectiveHoneydew422
Upvotes	242
Comments	52
Date	December 28, 2020 2:03 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/klgsp3/open_relationship/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/open-relationship.354815 https://theredarchive.com/post/354815

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