Self sabotage.

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Anonimica_X · 2022-04-12T04:20:27+00:00

It's perfectly awesome to not be in a relationship. I've never been in one and seriously don't feel like I'm missing anything.
I think most levelled-up women around the world are experiencing this. Sadly, until the men decide to do some spring cleaning and figure out their issues, not much we can do about their species. Only men can fix and advise men.

adalovelace1793--- · 2022-04-12T02:44:02+00:00

Its bad if you do and bad if you dont patriarcall mentality that drives us woman insane. I started by not catering to any LVperson request of my time and my body at my health and sanity expense. We afe all struglling but IMHO its better to struggle with feeling a bit lonely than being chained to the constant abuse of being sorrounded by LV people. Cheers! 💪💪💪

millennialpink2000 · 2022-04-12T02:44:55+00:00

Every word of this resonates so hard. I'm just assuming I'll be single forever and no decent man will ever cross my path. I doubt I'll be able to trust a guy after knowing how trash 99% of them are

Lilbeanono · 2022-04-12T04:31:09+00:00

As my sister once told me after I got my heart broken, “I’ve learned to love myself, and love being by myself. I’m not looking for someone to complete me. I want someone worth my time, that makes my time with them more enjoyable than time with myself.” And I hope this helps you. Don’t waste time on someone else when you would rather be by yourself. Give someone a shot, and if you’d rather be alone the whole time you’re with them then there you go. It’s not wrong or bad to be single.

DieMadScrotesss · 2022-04-12T06:23:40+00:00

I’d say being aware that the other shoe can drop at any moment is simply just vetting for life. And there is nothing wrong with that.

If we de-center men from our lives, and do have to stop seeing a man once he does display red flags, then it’s not as much of a wrecking ball moment.

I believe I’m much happier living by FDS principles than when I was giving every man the benefit of doubt. They honestly have never deserved it.

KekeSmall · 2022-04-12T04:24:34+00:00

I feel the same sometimes. Then reading stories of husbands suddenly switching up after 10+ years into a marriage seemingly out of nowhere just exacerbates the anxiety.

edwardianemerald · 2022-04-12T06:34:30+00:00

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calico_moon · 2022-04-12T02:51:34+00:00

I've also become very content with the idea of being alone. Which I think it partly healthy, feeling like you have to be in a relationship definitely isn't healthy. For me I've pretty much stopped looking for a relationship and that's let me stop over analyzing men that I meet. I have a lot of trust issues, with good reason. I don't think I'm really saying anything helpful, sorry, but I definitely know how you feel and empathize with you.

clithoodwink · 2022-04-12T11:25:24+00:00

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yolofirelol · 2022-04-12T02:54:17+00:00

This is what I am currently struggling with as well. I think I’ll be single forever. I will not settle my standards.

ProgramUnfair4738 · 2022-04-12T07:02:33+00:00

A fellow self-sabotage queen here! I’ve also done the therapy towards eliminating my self-sabotage. I feel it has been effective to a point, but as it’s mostly attachment style therapy I also feel it’s made things worse. I have a disorganised attachment style that’s much more secure after doing work. But I feel the emphasis on understanding other attachment styles (particularly avoidants) sparked a couple of new insecurities.

I’m absolutely comfortable with being alone now, but not against dating. But I do know that I’ll spend time waiting for the other shoe to drop. And when I’m not dating I look at how I’ve pulled my life together since my last hideous long term relationship and wonder if I really want to upset the apple cart. I don’t want someone tainting my space.

Maybe, for both of us, our intuitions have just continued to guard us so far and we haven’t actually missed out on a HVM. I’ve met plenty who’ve exhibited HV behaviours but have also drowned them with LV ones.

Anyway, after that babble I just wanted to say you’re not alone in feeling that way. Not by a long shot. Recovering from years of shitty experiences is no easy feat.

MadamePotpourri · 2022-04-12T18:52:33+00:00

I know exactly how you feel. I never thought that I would reach a point where I would feel satisfied with staying single forever, but here I am.

I started realizing many years before FDS that men were just not all that great. They really seemed to be parasitic and they had a habit of trying to tear me down emotionally that was repeated in almost every relationship I've ever had. Even the ones who seemed like "good guys" from the outside were misogynist deep down.

When I found FDS I felt so validated that so many other women had the same experiences I had, and that I wasn't being paranoid about men. They really ARE that bad lol.

Then I found radical feminism and started reading more about the theory of women's oppression and learned how deep misogyny goes. It's the only form of oppression where even the oppressed are brainwashed to defend it. My eyes are all the way open and I feel kind of freed - like at least now I don't ever have to deal with a scrote boyfriend ever again. So many women suffer at the hands of men and its usually from the guy they are involved with romantically.

But on the other hand it's just crazy that now I feel no desire whatsoever to find a boyfriend. I used to get so excited when guys would take an interest in me, now I just get annoyed!

I believe that there is nothing women can do to change men. All we can do is vet and keep ourselves safe by being aware. On a more positive note, since I have decided to become a spinster (lol) I made a really great female friend and we have grown so close over the last 2 years. I think all this has allowed me to rediscover the value of female friendship. Its no coincidence that our society sees straight romantic relationships as the pinnacle of human connection.

If I could offer any advice I would say to embrace relationships with female friends and with yourself. Try to let go of resentment. I'm still working on that.

I think it's ok to not want to date men. I know this is a dating strategy forum, but I support women having the self awareness to decide to remain single for a time period.

PenelopePitstop21 · 2022-04-12T09:49:11+00:00

But then there’s always that lingering feeling in the back of your mind waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I think you have done a great job of starting to de-center men from your life, but you haven't made it all the way there yet. Most women I think go through the experience of wanting this man to be The One, and we start handing out hall passes, ignoring red flags or giving men second (third, fourth...) chances because we really really want him to be The One. You have gotten over this phase, and that's awesome!

However, anxiously expecting the other shoe to drop in a relationship that is so far good is not the same as being prepared to take action if the other shoe drops. It is still centering men, though in a negative rather than positive way. When you don't need a man - but also don't need the absence of a man - to be living your best life, then you know you have truly de-centered men. You can enjoy a relationship for what it is. If he turns out not to be the person he was pretending to be then you can put your plan into action safe in the knowledge that you are doing the best thing for you, even if (when) it hurts to break up.

Why be anxious that the other shoe is about to go bang? You will know straight away if it does happen, because your boundaries are strong and you vet as easily as you breathe. You have a plan in place to deal with it. If he is not the center of your universe then working through the breakup and moving on stops being overwhelming, because splitting up doesn't mean the end of the world any more.

candyfox84 · 2022-04-12T17:13:22+00:00

I definitely reached this point after my last break-up. I'm trying not to let myself get too skewed in my thinking (in any subject), but what I will say is that FDS and the above thoughts that you listed are the reason I put myself first now and forever. I ended up getting my own place, and I will not live with a man again. That dramatically lowers the stakes for me (and I'm at an age where I can do that now). No way I could have accomplished this in my 20s or early 30s.

Basically, the minute a man isn't adding value, he's getting nexted. He's barely allowed into my orbit as is, and that's how I, personally, feel comfortable going forward. Fun = yes. The minute he starts being a headache, next.

cutekittensmeow · 2022-04-12T03:05:00+00:00

First of all, YES ALL MEN.

I 100% believe that a truly high value man doesn't exist. If you want to be with a man you have to accept some level of male bullshit. You have to decide if it's worth it or not.

Yes, I'm single and planning on dying this way.

2022-04-13T05:55:45+00:00

I strongly relate. Honestly, dating men is one of the top liabilities to women's physical, mental, and sexual safety IMO. If I joined a dating app today, my real-life interactions with the men would put me in exponentially higher rates of danger compared to my everyday life where people generally leave me alone. Even if a man doesn't physically hit me or physically cheat on me, the subtle disrespect, incompetence at basic adult tasks, the lack of personal economic stability, and porn addiction are enough to tear down a "strong" woman's self esteem. A man has to be very sexually attractive to me and seem very very HV (including my gut feelings) to be around me at this point.

I keep finding out "little" things about men I know and it changes my perception (e.g. I knew they had issues but didn't know they would stoop so low). This is why I cannot develop feelings for most men these days. My gut sees the danger, the dead eyes, the tone in their voice, and/or their overall lack of passion. Alternatively, it is very painful trying to force yourself to love or feel attraction to someone, whether they are LV/NV or not yet determined.

Get your coin sis and make sure you are protected no matter what financially. Much love ❤️

ETA: I do not think this is self sabotage (not qualified to make such a judgment, but just my opinion), this is just having your eyes open. Sometimes I still find myself in disbelief a man I considered decent will be so bad, and show such blatant red flags early on. It really is a giant mindf_ck. imo I do think it is worth investigating if a man is really trustworthy or not, even if he "seems" fine. Entrusting your entire well-being to a man in the name of "I just want to trust him"/"I don't want to be a skeptical b" is just poor risk management. If you truly are attracted to someone, and if he has good character, he should understand when you want to take things slow and get to know him.

katiekat0214 · 2022-04-12T16:37:42+00:00

I'll be honest: for decades, I wondered so many times why some women really disliked men. I didn't, wondered if I was naive and/or lucky, and, okay, a bit of both. I had my issues with males: my brother tickle-torturing me, but fortunately that ended swiftly one day when I hauled off, reared back, and punched him solidly in the balls, all of around seven or eight years old, not at all knowing what I was doing. That was the first time I solidly connected using force and consequences to make bullying stop. It was a lesson that stuck with me.

I was bullied by other males off and on throughout school, but it was pretty much only ever one off, and 99% of the time only verbal, and I bested them, which kept getting easier every time I did it. I had a mouth on me, did not at all mind burning bridges (and dynamiting, adding C2, plus nukes). Never was a people pleaser, never afraid to walk away from someone being rude and/or stupid. So they learned, and only did it to me once. I always felt victorious for making the bullying stop. That said, I also thought it was just those individuals. It took me decades to see how patriarchy informs fat-shaming as a way to try to bully me into losing weight. Shame NEVER works, and often backfires. I'm living proof.

Also lucky I was never SA'd, although looking back now at some of the really DUMB shit I did, high on excess hormones, in high school and college, oy vey. Ay Dios mio. Lucky I wasn't SA'd, or needed an abortion. Yep, I partied hard, no regrets, got through it unscathed. Still not quite sure how!

I guess through it all I just absolutely refused to be treated as an object. The moment a man tried it with me, I'd simply start being assertive, downright aggressive, in putting out my wants and needs, asserting my individuality. Just refusing to be a NPC. He'd have a choice: accept that I'm a main character, or leave, and at that point, I didn't care what he did. I liked forcing that confrontation as a show of his character.

I've learned to slow things down, and what an excellent vetting strategy that is. That was super hard when I had excess hormones, wanted sex, and wanted to be wanted. These days, meh to all of it, and I'm quite content to live on my own the rest of my life.

I've learned to ask more questions, and also notice how many and what kind of questions a man asks. I've learned to read the room better, to notice if he's really into me, or if I was the one doing the chasing, so I could stop immediately, and then see if he picks up on that and pursues me. Now, as I've said before, noticing where his eyes go and don't go, noticing body language, what's said to me, and how personal that is, I can tell within a minute or so if a man is interested in me as a person.

Overall, refuse to be a commodity. Assert your humanity, your individuality at every step. Confront when a man talks about nothing but looks, or what he wants from you, and see how he reacts. Breaking this mindset is not easy, but so worth it. It just brings you to a whole new level with men, and you'll discard so many L/NVM instantly.

Aocwannabe · 2022-04-12T04:00:06+00:00

I feel the exact same way. Kind of depressed…

Jealous_Butterscotch · 2022-04-13T19:06:46+00:00

I'll be the asshole: YES ALL MEN.

Men are a hinderance, either because they're inherently that way or because they were raised to feel superior. I also get the impression that you're younger; once you're 40+, you honestly stop giving a shit.

My advice: stop making this about political correctness and focus on harsh realities to keep your head from Pickmeishaland. The truth is that women need to make better financial decisions than men, mainly because we earn less and receive poorer health care throughout our lives. When that becomes crystal clear and real to you, you become less likely to hyperfocus on whether your date is ThE oNe. In all likelihood, even if you get married to him, you'll part ways in a few years. Sorry to break it that way, but it's the truth. The divorce rate is now greater than 50%, and I'd even argue closer to 90% for all couples who've been together for 25 years or less. It's not your "distrust" that is the problem, but many factors -- changing priorities, financial strain, im/maturity. You can't force men to "step up" and frankly, they have no reason to do so. They know that society still gives them an edge.

I get that this is a dating reddit, but really, a lot of the posters here need to keep in mind that men are an added bonus, not the main course in life. They CANNOT be the main course for women.

FI-REfox · 2022-04-12T15:45:08+00:00

You could be seeing an amazing guy. Someone with no red flags. Someone who treats you like an absolute queen. But then there’s always that lingering feeling in the back of your mind waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It’s led me to this point, where I’m more content with the idea of being completely alone. My feelings of anxiousness weren’t a thing at all pre-relationships. It’s when I’m in one, my anxiety is through the roof even if my partner is amazing in so many ways.

Much of anxiety comes from a feeling of powerlessness -- worrying because you don't know what you will do of XYZ happens, or even if you know what you would need to do, you don't know if you have the fortitude to do it.

You're hyper aware of everything that could go wrong because you know from experience, and from modding this sub. Scrotey Mc Murphy's law: Anything that a LVM can do wrong, he will do wrong.

Human interaction is a craps shoot, we never know how it will turn out and how badly if it does, but not only do you know everything that can go wrong, you also have all the tools to identify and deal with it. You're a Ruthless Strategist-- you know the handbook like it's the back of your own hand. You are an expert -- who is vigilant, yes -- but you also can handle any shit that comes your way, even if you didn't see it coming. It sounds like you don't don't feel that last part though.

A professional driver knows all the risks and is appropriately cautious, but they can't really perform (or enjoy themselves) until they are confident in their abilities enough to focus on what's right in front of them instead of all the things that could possibly go wrong, but haven't.

You have the knowledge and the strength to deal with the unexpected. Keep your eyes open, and always be prepared to exit the track, but trust that you will be able to handle whatever comes your way.

Verrmelho · 2022-04-12T20:17:46+00:00

Yes, it’s so difficult wanting to protect myself but at the same time feeling I might be losing someone great for me. Glad to know at least I’m not alone

2022-04-13T20:15:11+00:00

Absolutely. I deal with the absolute bottom of the barrel men for my job (construction, felons and absolute shit men as far as the eye can see every time I step onto the jobsite, ain't much better in the office tbh) and the shit I deal with daily really makes me want to gtfo anytime I see a man checking me out and looking for his chance.

Luckily I think I'm not long for this job. My side hustle has grown exponentially the last 2 years and I have another patent in the works to add to it. Maybe after a good long break from these men I'll feel more inclined to give random dudes more than a fuck off when they try their luck.

Kylie_Fan · 2022-04-14T22:12:20+00:00

Waiting for the other shoe to drop is a trauma response. Not surprising considering the amount of garbage women have to wade through.

No-your-mother · 2022-08-24T12:04:15+00:00

Could I speak to the man in charge?

Title	Self sabotage.
Author	electroloop
Upvotes	354
Comments	49
Date	April 12, 2022 2:40 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/u1ontk/self_sabotage/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/self-sabotage.1110280 https://theredarchive.com/post/1110280

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