Should I leave him or can we work it out?

throwaway23004345 · 2020-10-06T14:15:39+00:00

I skimmed through post of it and I think you know what to do... you need the handbook

nat890 · 2020-10-06T14:20:20+00:00

READ THE HANDBOOK
DUMP HIS SORRY ASS

That is all.

fwe23rrs · 2020-10-06T14:25:39+00:00

Stopped reading at the part where he says he is happy in the relationship, so you’re responsible for your unhappiness. That is some next level gaslighting! Do you think for yourself or do you just believe everything this man feeds you?

I’m not even going to explain why you need to leave this man. You wrote a book on every good reason you have to leave him, now go read the handbook and level up.

NoMoreLVM · 2020-10-06T14:26:10+00:00

God I got to the bit where he calls you mean things and demeans you at home. That’s not love and not acceptable. That is not a small thing and chips away at you. You are asking us not if you should leave him, but if it’s reasonable to - here it is, here is your permission. These are completely valid reasons. You’re not getting anything out of this relationship, he sounds like a burden on you in all ways. Leave while you are still young. It’s scary, I know, but it’ll be worth it. Staying will only make things harder and worse. Leave, read the handbook. Know you deserve better.

AnniaT · 2020-10-06T14:40:29+00:00

Read the Handbook and you'll find the answer.

I skimmed a bit through it but these are some of the issues I see here:

1- Together for years but he hasn't put a ring on it. Granted, not everyone wants marriage and you seem to be protected legally if you separate but still, he seems to have cold feet about you and with the rest you've written, he seems to be lukewarm about you/accommodated out of habit/comfort and not out of love and being excited to build a future with you

2- His teasing hurts you and you have all the right of feeling hurt. A man who loves you and doesn't want to lose you will respect your feelings about his actions instead of gaslighting and make it seem like you're overreacting. This is unacceptable. The names he calls you are unacceptable and bullying, even your friends notice this. He seems to resent you and can't hide it anymore.

3- You two are financially incompatible and you made the mistake in entering the 50/50 (proportionally) and help him out financially. Men resent this as you're experiencing first hand. Also why were you contributing so much while away just to support him if you weren't even there? Makes no sense. Also he sees finances in a different way than you. What is he even complaining about? You're financially successful and accomplished and have the right to relax and indulge as you deserve in the money you've earned with your hard work. And he mooches out of you, yet as we see so often, resents you for that... when men are being provided for, their attraction for the woman decreases dramatically. However, financially compatibility is important and this should be properly discussed before moving in together/marriage.

4- You can't force someone to do couples therapy. The main issue is that he doesn't think your feelings are valid and doesn't care. This should be a total dealbreaker. If he truly cared he'd make an effort to see you happy because that's what a man that loves you want for you. They thrive on your happiness.

5- He doesn't feel sexual attraction or romantic desire for you, probably for the resentment he arbors for you being richer and more successful than him. This is low value behavior. I don't think much can change this. You can't make someone care when they don't.

Suggestion: break up since you're unsatisfied, he's gaslighting you, doesn't care for your concerns, uses bully language, resents you and is not treating you like a person he loves. If you don't want to break up and move on, at least move out, get your share of the house, stop supporting him financially, sit back and observe. He either works for your love and to make you his again or he's out. Always be able to leave a man if they're not giving you what you want nor care to listen to your concerns. Make him listen through your actions. He's not giving you anything that you can't give yourself and you're not even get any benefit from being with him at this point weather financially or emotionally. You can do better and you probably know it.

Muffy217 · 2020-10-06T14:59:55+00:00

Generally I think if someone is asking if they should stay or go, they already know what they should do. If you get to the point in your relationship where you have to ask if it’s all worth it, it isn’t.

DadaExperiment · 2020-10-06T15:29:01+00:00

He's verbally abusive, lazy, financially insolvent/moocher, and is either a porn addict or is cheating (dead bedroom). Buy out his 30% of the house and get this abusive scrote out of your life. You're an educated, financially secure woman. Why are you putting up with this? Contact a lawyer about the protocol for removing him from your house and paying off his part of the investment.

EclecticBarbarella · 2020-10-06T15:18:33+00:00

Honestly, I didn’t even make it past the first paragraph. He told you that your unhappiness isn’t his problem and you need to fix it. Nothing is going to change. If you stay, this is how it will be until it gets worse, not better. Dump him while you’re still young and can enjoy the rest of your twenties and on. He’s dead weight that’s making you unhappy, lose him.

balladwilds · 2020-10-06T16:02:31+00:00

why are you with him... he is trash and you know it

VulcanSpaceSquirrel · 2020-10-06T16:17:43+00:00

You’re posting here so you probably already know what’s coming. These are the death throws of the relationship

He won’t change. He hasn’t. You’ve cOmMuNiCaTeD and it hasn’t helped.

Move on. You have so much life ahead of you.

burntbpd · 2020-10-06T16:08:04+00:00

Averyhvw · 2020-10-06T16:12:15+00:00

You sound amazing first of all. It sounds like he’s just comfortable, and using you for financial stability. I think you’ll do so much better on your own.

43rdaccount · 2020-10-06T16:56:23+00:00

hey op, i read the whole post. thanks for sharing, i hope writing it out helped you sort your thoughts... you really sounds like an amazing person, i hope you find a way to protect yourself from what's bringing you down... in this case, from my understanding of your post, you will need to move on from this guy and find someone who truly deeply cares about you. feeling attached to him now might seem enough to justify staying with him, but it's really not. you can build that kind of bond with anyone you spend enough time with. cuddling, talking deeply about politics, those are really not that special. small acts of love, wanting to help when youre tired, these should come naturally from someone if they truly loved you! why force someone to pretend...

this wasnt the point of your story, but i really saw my "ex" in your post and identified many of his attitudes and qualities. reading this made me so glad im no longer pursuing him, because this was a glimpse into a future i would not want for myself. wishing you all the best op <3

dollymyfolly · 2020-10-06T17:14:34+00:00

Oh god, I stopped reading when I saw “boyfriend of NINE years”, please just leave

West-Cook · 2020-10-06T16:51:34+00:00

Honestly I didn’t get any further than the first line.

If he really wanted to work things out, he’d already be doing it. Period. Your partner should be doing everything within reason to make you feel happy, safe, and supported. Even if the “problem” is ultimately on you—say it turns out you have undiagnosed depression or something along those lines—a loving partner who values you would be listening to you and looking for solutions to your unhappiness with you.

You deserve better than this emotional turmoil and uncertainty.

kettleodumplins · 2020-10-06T18:48:15+00:00

My gosh you are amazing! You are driven, academically and professionally ahead of your peers, and you are making the kind of sound financial decisions that some people don't learn until their forties. You are emotionally intelligent, and extremely insightful; I could go on, but I'm hoping that you have friends and family (and perhaps even a you, yourself) that recognize and praise your worth.

Why are such professionally successful, intelligent, interesting, emotionally connected, and responsible women with abusive, worthless, degrading (emotionally, mentally, sexually - he's got it covered) men? There is a man out there who would worship you and proudly uplift your accomplishments and person. Do your family and friends know what's going on here? I'm not going to list anything about the pig that you are dating (yes, dating), but I read the whole post. I imagine that having been with him for nine years against all odds has makes it seem like there's no life outside of this relationship, but I think you know what you need to do. So instead, I will give you an analogy:

"Suppose you want to boil a frog. How do you do it? You could place the frog into a pot of hot water, but as soon as it feels the heat, it will jump out. So, what can you do? Put a pot of cool water on the stove and then add the frog. Not sensing danger the frog will stay. Next, turn the burner on low to slowly heat the water. As the water warms, the frog relaxes. The warmth feels good. As the water gets hotter it acts like a steam bath draining away energy and deepening the frog's relaxation. The frog becomes sleepy and has less and less energy while the water is getting hotter and hotter. By the time the frog realizes its danger, the water is beginning to boil, and it is too late to take action. There is neither time nor energy left to do anything. The frog perishes in the boiling water."

Read the handbook and leave.

redfarmmmmm · 2020-10-06T18:27:26+00:00

Is he french? Anyways, i’m same age as you and id leave him. Guy should always pay.

2020-10-06T18:24:17+00:00

All the other problematic things aside, you haven't had sex in a year? This is not a relationship, you guys are roommates.

You've communicated and tried to compromise on everything, and he hasn't given you the same respect. You need to leave. You guys aren't going to the same places in life, and you deserve to be happy.

You should tell him that yes, you ARE responsible for your own happiness, so you're taking the first step and leaving him.

A relationship should not have this many doubts.

Icchy24 · 2020-10-06T18:40:50+00:00

I made it to the 2nd paragraph tbh.

Please dump him, read the handbook, and work on loving yourself

elegant__eloquence · 2020-10-06T14:19:40+00:00

This is way too many words for this scrote. Save your energy. Dump, block and delete.

pinkzebra12 · 2020-10-06T18:48:20+00:00

You are an intelligent, ambitious woman with the whole world ahead of you. Please leave this man who is only holding you back.

Think of all the energy you're using ruminating on this. Think what you could use that energy for (planning a trip, spending time with friends and family, working on your own goals).

2020-10-06T19:09:32+00:00

You’ve grown out of the relationship and that is okay. It sucks that you have legal contracts binding you to a house and things but go live your best life.

He is just dragging you down.

Alma00019 · 2020-10-06T19:15:50+00:00

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) of nearly 9 years have been having issues for over a year. I’m unhappy in our relationship, and have told him so, begging him to go to couples therapy, to no avail. He has essentially told me that HE’s happy with me, and with our relationship, so I’m the one who needs therapy to fix my unhappiness with our relationship.

Let's see:

you're together 9 years, which is exactly 1/3 of your life
YOU'RE unhappy in the relationship
He's Happy with the way things are and thinks you should be too

Doesn't look like he's looking to change. he's happy having you as a forever girlfriend and acts like there's something wrong with you for not being happy in an situation that primarily (if not wholly) benefits him 100%.

BREAK UP WITH HIM.

READ THE HANDBOOK.

Wchijafm · 2020-10-06T19:35:08+00:00

Hes happy in the relationship because all the burdens fall on you. All the new responsibilities fall on you. You prop him up financially. His version of compromise is he gets everything he wants and if there is room he may let you have what you want.

Read the handbook.

Dump him. Sell the house. Get your 70% out of it. Travel the world.

What youre getting right now is what youre going to get in the next 5 years, 10 years, 20 years.

You are financially propping him up and being his maid and for what? He doesn't even seem to like you. He doesn't respect you. He is using you so that he can have an easy life.

Divert all your pay into your own solo acount. Get an apartment. Get a lawyer to force sale of the house.

Leave

Title	Should I leave him or can we work it out?
Author	hopelessnessy
Upvotes	16
Comments	28
Date	October 6, 2020 1:19 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/j64wfe/should_i_leave_him_or_can_we_work_it_out/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/should-i-leave-him-or-can-we-work-it-out.313113 https://theredarchive.com/post/313113

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