Staying safe on OLD

ErikaNaumann · 2022-01-30T13:18:55+00:00

Before you meet:

Don't give him your phone number or address.
Do not send nudes or suggestive pictures.
Do not talk about traumatic events of your life or bad relationships.
Do not engage in sexting.
Do a quick google search of his name, just to check if he isn't a wanted criminal or already married.

If you meet:

Do not let him pick you up. You should drive yourself, or walk, cycle, take public transportation or get a taxi.
Do not get inside his car.
Send his photo, name and place where you are meeting to a family member or a close friend. Tell them to check on you after a few hours.
Meet in a public space, where you can always go back home by yourself (restaurant, cafe, musem, sport event, etc). Do not go to isolated places like mountains, forests, huge empty parks.
Do not go to his house, and do not let him in yours (he shouldn't know your address).
Do not have sex with him on the first date.

If you keep dating

Keep vetting him.
Take things slowly.
Know and respect your boundaries.
If you eventually have sex, ALWAYS use condoms. ALWAYS.
Be genuine, and express your needs clearly. Make sure he is aware of what you want out of the relationship.

Have fun, be happy, and be safe.

ceramicunicorn · 2022-01-30T14:54:04+00:00

I feel like too many women don’t even think of this, but before you have sex for the first time, you want to get his STD results (with HSV 1 and 2 specifically requested if you yourself are negative for those, as it’s not automatically included in the standard battery of tests….don’t get me started) from him.

I always hear He CoUlD dOcToR tHeM and yes, you could end up with one of the true total sociopaths out there who is specifically out to target you and no other target will do. But honestly, most men do not have the tenacity to do this. The path of least resistance is not to jump through that hoop, it is to not date you and try to scam someone else. If you’re really worried about it, insist he see a provider that provides results through an online patient portal…that can’t be faked.

DumpsterWitchy · 2022-01-30T12:32:43+00:00

I never give out my phone number or address. Communication is only over the dating website. I am not using an e-mail address, discord or whatever, because they like to ask for this. When I meet them, I will only in public. We can go to a restaurant, a nice cafe, but not to my or their house. When they ask to show them were I live, I say "no". And if they can not accept it and get annoyed/angry, that is an immediate red flag and they get blocked and deleted right after the date. Same happens when they start to bitch at me, because I don't want to give them my phone number right on the spot. I am not willing to get stalked or called at all times by a total stranger. No thank you.

FUBARfromLSA · 2022-01-30T14:51:18+00:00

Just to add to all of the amazing and common sense tips already offered- in addition to vetting, become an internet sleuth and verify every.single.thing.he.says.

If you can’t find anything than that’s also a huge red flag as he made up his life to hide his real one.

I went out on a date with someone once that I thought I had vetted but really couldn’t find out that much about him.

After dinner when he put down his credit card and went to the men’s room, I took a picture of his name which just looked kinda different from what he told me his last name was (it was like Smyth when he said it was Smith- something like that, I don’t exactly remember)

I googled his name while he was still away from the table and the very first hit was his Level 3 sex offender status for sex crimes- he had just been released from prison for a ten year sentence for rape.

I picked up my purse and got out of the restaurant as fast as I could.

Don’t drink and don’t get lulled into a false sense of security, these men are not your friends.

all_or_nothing_bet · 2022-01-30T20:01:26+00:00

My experience on OLD was pretty good, honestly. Most of the men, with a rare exception, had good manners, had great conversation skills, and we had a pleasant time even if we weren't compatible or there was no chemistry.

I was very careful at vetting them prior to agreeing to meet irl and wouldn't meet if there were any red flags. I only went on dates with men of my age with already established careers. No hobosexuals, party whores, peterpans, artists, etc. I had a very strict set of minimum qualities that I wasn't compromising on.

I never gave my phone number until 2-3 dates in. I met on my terms in a popular restaurant with a big, well lit parking lot. I had a good relationship with one of the servers and would only be seated in her section. I know that FDS recommends that a man organizes the date and picks a restaurant, but I was more comfortable with meeting strangers in a familiar setting and where I knew I'd be looked after.

I never disclosed personal details, such as my last name, place of work, address, etc. I unmatched, blocked and reported anyone who demonstrated inappropriate behavior.

gingerandlime · 2022-01-30T15:23:40+00:00

I understand this is not a popular view, but men on OLD and men IRL are actually the same men. Yes, not all of them are on OLD, that does NOT mean they have HV traits or that they are “safe” to be around.

I’ve met narcissists through friends and decent men online, nothing is guaranteed. Vetting is the same, being only in public at first is the same, not giving specifics about where you live is the same.

lolmemberberries · 2022-01-30T22:22:43+00:00

Always:

-Meet in a public place.

-Have your own transportation to and from dates.

-Let a trusted friend or family member know your whereabouts.

-Have your trusted person check in on you at an agreed-upon time.

-Do a quick Google search if you know his first and last name.

-Trust your intuition

-Frame things as "Do I like him?" rather than "Does he like me?"

Never:

-Give him your phone number or address.

-Go back to his place or yours.

-Bring up past trauma or bad relationships

-Go on dates where you are isolated or in an unfamiliar place.

-Hesitate to end a date or leave if it's not working.

-Agree upon a change in plans or location.

-See him as the prize (YOU are the prize!)

Snowchic88 · 2022-01-30T13:21:50+00:00

Search them via LinkedIn, Facebook & Google - they are less likely to try sketchy things if you know who they are and where they work. If they don’t want to give you information (like what company they work for) so you can find out who they are they could be withholding this information for a reason.
Pick a place you are comfortable with or are a regular at and can ask for help from staff.
Pick an earlier time to meet so you won’t be walking alone in dark after the date. Example a 5pm dinner vs an 8pm dinner start time.
tell family or friend what time your going on the date and who with. Have them check in with you via text or phone call during first date. Set up a code word for if they need to come pick you up or if you want an excuse to leave the date early in a safe way.
always drive, Uber or use public transit on your own to get to the date. You can leave whenever you’d like.
set up a meet up with friends near the date spot afterwards. Example set a 8pm drink start time with friends at a bar down the street after your 6pm dinner time.

*carry pepper spray on your keychain or purse. Even a predator seeing this defense will make you a less “docile” potential victim.

Trust your gut. If you feel nervous, uncomfortable or unhappy…. It’s always okay to depart the date early. Ask for help leaving safely from other women if you need it.

I’ve been waiting for a date before and some random older guy would not leave me alone at the restaurant. So I faked that a group of girls walking in was who I was waiting for. I explained the situation to the girls and they were cool to chill until my actual date showed up.

sleepysiri · 2022-01-30T16:42:56+00:00

I change a letter in my name to have a different but similar one and don’t show friends, my home, personal belongings or specific locations in the background.

Platipus6 · 2022-01-30T22:25:21+00:00

Upgrade them slowly.

OLD has ruined the natural courtship process and men expect sex from strangers after 1 hour. It's broken them so badly, they use dating apps as if it's craigslist to order a free hooker.

We used to 'know' men for 3 months minimum in the workplace, friend of a friend, at a sports club, hobby, or see them around town at a place you frequent. And then they'd gather the courage to ask you on a real date.

So they go from stranger to acquaintance over 3 months. You knew 'of' them, you knew their name, habits, stability, consistency. Or you became casual friends in a friend group. You know their first and last name, family history (do they have brothers and sisters, are their parents alive), employment status.

After taking you on x amount of proper dates, dinner, movies, art exhibitions, events in the park, you'd agree to upgrade them to boyfriend, go on a few more dates, become exclusive then have sex because he actually likes you as a person and knows you as a human.

Today? Online "dating"? I paid for 1 meal lemme smash! Or shit.. "you swiped right on me, that means you want to smash! Bitch".

I don't think OLD can work. I don't want to skip the 3 months acquaintance. How? How do you agree to get to know a man casually without him taking you on dates? And if he takes you on dates, he's probably not on the same page about getting to know you. They start expecting sex for their 'investment'.

Unless you're the 1 in a million couple who finds your perfect match and he isn't a psycho and he treats you well from day one. Which is all the dating apps have going for them. These insanely lucky success stories that keep us gambling. Keep us sifting through the high percentage of fuckboys out to use women as fleshlights for a night.

I don't date strangers. Men IRL will have to agree to get to know me in a casual setting for 3 months, then I'll allow them to court me. So I'm ok with never giving short-cut scrubs my time.

avocadosnumber1023 · 2022-01-30T14:13:23+00:00

If you can, only meet up with people where you have 1+ mutual friends (you can see this on some apps, and occasionally I’ll text the mutual friend if I’m close enough to them to get a vibe check)

I also do a quick Google/linkedin/facebook check to make sure they are who they say they are/aren’t blatantly in a relationship

theresalimit5 · 2022-01-30T17:03:08+00:00

I never give them my last name or any pictures of my house or anything that could identify my address. First dates I do at public places with a lot of people, and I drive myself there and back home. I also let a friend know when I expect to be back.

2022-01-30T21:12:15+00:00

I'm 38, with admittedly very little experience in this for my age. Granted, I took a lot of risks in my early 20's, which thankfully did not end up with me being assaulted, kidnapped, or killed. With that said, regardless of how much vetting you do (STD test, criminal background check, etc), at some point you two will be alone for the first time, naked, and that is an incredibly vulnerable position for the woman to be in. Especially with OLD, where the guy is still pretty much a stranger. I don't know if there's a great answer to this.

candyfox84 · 2022-01-31T19:37:11+00:00

I know there are views on both sides of this, and I respect that. But this is one of the many reasons I do not online date. It's not fun for me if I feel like I'm low key trying to avoid an assault.

Title	Staying safe on OLD
Author	fireforestfairy
Upvotes	123
Comments	78
Date	January 30, 2022 11:45 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/sg7jv4/staying_safe_on_old/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/staying-safe-on-old.1098931 https://theredarchive.com/post/1098931

Comments