Pursuing men never ends well from the women's perspective

Equal-Ear2312 · 2021-12-07T15:06:28+00:00

There's a saying: don't chase after a bus and don't chase after a man. There will come another one. 😂

Usual_Zucchini · 2021-12-07T15:40:37+00:00

When men say they wish women would make a first move, what they mean is, they wish she'd smile at them from across a crowded room so they'd be less likely to get rejected if they approached her. They do NOT mean they want a woman who will do all the work.

Of course, on Reddit men will always cry about how they wished women would take some of the pressure off them by being assertive--that's because these are loser gamer porn addicts who have never interacted with women before and live in a fantasy world where the hottest porn star confidently approaches them to give them a blowie with no strings attached. In the real world, men DO NOT LIKE having their agency and autonomy removed from them.

It's like when men say they want a natural woman who is low maintenance and doesn't wear makeup--not realizing that this make-up free aesthetic they admire is usually the result of many grooming products and natural-LOOKING makeup. The "natural" women they ogle almost always are wearing foundation, mascara, light blush, highlighter, etc.

Itsknowntohappen · 2021-12-07T12:04:33+00:00

My dad always said “don’t chase men, if his heart has genuine intentions he will pursue you”.

I’ve always remembered that. Especially when I’ve had friends chasing guys and ending up hurt in the end. I’ve never seen a different outcome than that.

bearwithday · 2021-12-07T14:29:53+00:00

This was a pivotal moment where I changed my pickme mindset. I used to think that because I am an independent woman, I should be pursuing someone instead of being passive. Reality is that every time I did this, I was a placeholder girlfriend. My ex stopped putting efforts, because I did all the task. Worst was when he didn't break up with me right away, just kept on treating me badly while keeping our relationship because it benefited him to keep me around. Men do not appreciate women that they haven't put efforts in. I stopped chasing men, I now allow men to chase me instead, and my current relationship is the healthiest one I have ever been on. I do not have to ask for validation or affection. If he wanted to, he would.

PeanutButterPigeon85 · 2021-12-07T12:14:46+00:00

Agreed. In principle, I have no issue asking men out, and I did it a lot when I was younger. However, I learned the hard way that most men will say "yes" even if they have zero actual interest in you, just on the off-chance that they'll get sex. It's a waste of your time and theirs. These days, I'd rather amputate two toes, You-style, than ask a man out on a date.

Ocean417 · 2021-12-07T11:28:55+00:00

All of this plus the fact that it is so utterly exhausting chasing someone and putting in all the effort. On the slim chance you end up with him ask yourself how you feel being with someone who didn’t even want you in the first place? Don’t settle for that. Plus you will then wonder if he will ditch you once you stop chasing him so much and the benefits decrease for him. It is never worth it.

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2021-12-07T11:18:18+00:00

It never works. It puts you on the backfoot because men don't think you're being some "yay equality" progressive libfem. They just think you're desperate and there must be something wrong with you.

elainejay82 · 2021-12-07T15:18:10+00:00

I've never really pursued a man but what I did was overly let him know I was an option and kept taking his bait. Wow, what do you know. In all of those types of relationships, I got treated like an option long after we were solidified. Magic. 🐰

Ok-Yogurtcloset3467 · 2021-12-07T11:56:37+00:00

I wish I had known how depressing and bad for our self esteem it is to have a crush and pursue them. I have in the past even confessed my feeling for a crush. Its shameful stuff that thankfully I can laugh about

Now I know crushes are the result of society encouraging women to put men on a pedestal. Most people I know who have crushes like men who have done the bare minimum, I'm talking they smiled at them in a cute way or got them a coffee without asking.

Crushes in general are a waste of time. If a man likes you he should be actively pursuing you and asking you out.

FineDeliciousSnakes · 2021-12-07T12:59:40+00:00

Agree!!

At a church group years ago this guy seemed interested in me. He was cute and I was interested back but didn’t make any moves. He followed me a bit doing tasks prepping for a youth group. I told everyone I had to leave at 4 sharp to drive across town.

The guy who seemed interested, he did this nod toward the parking lot and said “so can I join?”

We had introduced ourselves early in the day and been working together CLOSELY (moving furniture, baking, cleaning etc) for about 5 hours at this point. I asked “Do you remember my name? If you can ask me using my name and say exactly what you need, I’ll think about it” (I think he needed a ride somewhere)

This boy clammed up and said NOTHING else. If he forgot my name, he didn’t have the gumption to ask for it and/or apologize. He had chances even then to be super charming and he dropped that ball so hard it shattered. Record scratch. All stop

Couldn’t remember my name and would not re-introduce or apologize
Couldn’t verbally ask me for what he wanted and waited for ME to “help” him 🤡

I am SO GLAD I didn’t “make up” for his “shyness” - that would have been a terrible time. He still comes around church and had a girlfriend for .2 seconds, who he was majorly clingy on trying to make sure I saw them. It was embarrassing.

Aocwannabe · 2021-12-07T13:08:43+00:00

The reasons a man doesn’t approach and/or pursue you:

He’s already in a relationship. Understand that humans get a lot of validation from just flirting and will “lie by omission”. So he will leave out that he is married and/or in a relationship. Also, he is “single” and has a few situationships and/or a harem of “friends” that fulfill his sexual and emotional needs. These women might even think that he is in a “relationship” with him. Do NOT make it easier for a man to cheat or “monkey branch” into his next relationship.
He is not THAT attracted to you. Men are not shy when they are very sexually attracted to a woman. Many men will still have sex with a woman even if they are not attracted to her. So a man having sex with you is just proof that he likes having sex, not that he likes or cares for you. If you think a man is not attracted to you, dump him, block him and work on your physical appearance and self- esteem. Then go meet a new man who makes you feel like the sexiest woman alive.😘
He is shy. This is very unlikely because of point 2. And if you pursue a “shy” man, it is likely you will end up in a relationship where you feel like his mother. Also, think about all of the men 20+ years older that approach you. Think of the illegal 14-18 year olds that have “shot their shot” with you. The male gender overrides their logic when they want sex with/from you.
He thinks you are “too expensive” or “high maintenence”. He is correct. Honor and respect men that have self- awareness about their ability to provide and protect you.
If he is really hot and you live in a large cosmopolitan 🇺🇸 city, the higher the probability that he is a homosexual. Less true pretty much anywhere else in the world like Europe, Latin America, Africa, South Korea or UAE. It’s because ugly men have controlled American media and deluded other men into thinking that grooming and wanting to look sexy for women is “gay” and “not masculine”.

Lumos_night · 2021-12-07T12:23:22+00:00

Here’s the thing: if a man is not chasing you, then he’s not interested enough. Why compromise yourself as a woman, who has the power to be choosy? The egg doesn’t chase the sperm, it’s the other way round.

Unlikely-Marzipan · 2021-12-07T15:40:40+00:00

Yes. Any mixed messages I have received from men, that in the old days enticed me to “chase” (and I did), or even after those days I was burned and just felt like I needed to chase because I was confused and thought / was told by others, that maybe he wasn’t sure of how I felt and maybe I needed to chase him a little… every. single. time. He was either in a LTR or married with children. They pursued me initially, then backed away when things got more real such as realising I wasn’t going to have sex easily or I started to get suspicious.

I had this happen to me twice recently, in fact. One was married and the other was dating a woman I used to hang out with who is an acquaintance now… I had no idea as I started to back away and question him. But was validated when she contacted me out of the blue.

My guy friend tells me he saw him out with his wife and kid…

So even if you have the FEELING you should chase, please don’t. Match his energy and receive his reasonable advances politely. DO NOT CHASE.

myheartisfulloflove · 2021-12-07T17:33:06+00:00

Alright, gather around and I’ll tell you a little story so that you can learn from me and not repeat the same mistakes I’ve done!

I met this random man online, on a social website on mutual interests we both shared. We didn’t talked at first, just “liked” each other’s posts on a rare basis if we come across whatever we found of each other on the website. At the time, he was in an LTR with another woman, and I was distracted by other things. Cue to several months later and we began chatting platonically, and I suddenly found him very interesting and intelligent. We shared the same views on a lot of things and talking felt fun.

Soon after, they broke up. He came to me, wounded, and we both got in a weird drama with another third (or fourth?) party that hated him and his ex-gf. The person also attacked me and we all teamed up to report her and get her off our backs. Despite that, he and his ex-gf couldn’t bond over that and what was once a temporary break, became an actual break up.

He and I got close and this is where I started my mistakes: I became his little therapist and even encouraged him to open up to me whenever he felt down (I knowww I knowww but this was before I discovered FDS lmao), tried to cheer him up, and tried to be available for him. He was turned off by all of this from the get-go, queens. Looking back, the signs point to it: ignores me, acts like I was bothering him sometimes, leaves me on read and ghosts me for days and weeks, and finally… he would openly talk about other people he’s been sleeping with or trying to date. I was gutted because I realized how much I came to like him.

So, I got distant with him. Not too much to be rude, but enough so that I can stop offering him free emotional labor. He would still message me and sometimes it was nice. He clearly only saw me as a friend and that’s it. We got closer and it almost, almost, ALMOST, seemed like he would suddenly get excited and happy to hear from me when I wouldn’t talk to him for days or weeks on end. Reverse psychology, I guess? Idk. So I would also feel hopeful that finally he could see that I could be the best gf he could find.

And then, the penny drops to the floor when he one day tells me, he is going to be in a relationship with this woman we both know. He said that he always had such deep feelings for her, and I guess he mustered up the courage to tell her that he likes her. I was beyond heartbroken. I really thought something was going to happen between him and I, only for him to just rip the carpet from underneath me without warning.

So, what did this other woman do that got him? Did she helped him like I did? No. Was she there for him like a sweet person ought to do when a man felt broken? No. She was just herself. Her wonderful, funny, smart, quick as a whip, busy self that had her own shit to do. And he fell for her for it.

We don’t talk anymore. They broke up not too soon after and he tried to snake his way back to me to use me as an emotional tampon. And you know what? That was on me! I did that! That was my fault! Me! It was such a hard and, again, heartbreaking, lesson to go through, but it finally cracked me open over my own fawning tendency to be around people who don’t care about me except what they can extract from me. I’ve been trying to heal myself ever since then, and I’ve come a long way. Now I will be selective and ruthless of who I give my time, energy, and care to.

Going after men first NEVER pays off. Ever. My dad and mom? Still together decades later, he was the one who chased her first. My brother abs his gf? Still together after many years, planning to wed, and he was the one who asked her out first. Every other couple I knew where the woman was treated like shit, was cheated on, left behind, etc.. she was the one who initiated things first and the men reluctantly agreed to keep the peace.

Specific-Composer300 · 2021-12-07T12:56:57+00:00

Men don't value what they don't work for

Ericaeatscarrots · 2021-12-07T13:18:56+00:00

No matter WHAT you read on the other countless dumb dating subs, or what ever lib fem agenda is shoved down our throats, a woman should NEVER pursue first. It’s not empowering, it’s not “2021,” it’s not taking charge. Men will take ego boosts over any type of morality. They will justify their shitty behavior, cheating on their wives, using you as a side chick, ignoring you, fuckboy-Ing around, because the woman pursued them first and “wanted” it. Please ladies do yourself a favor and stay off that rollercoaster. Remember, if they wanted to, they would.

Mayonegg420 · 2021-12-07T13:47:50+00:00

Never never never never never never never never. Even if it “works” you aren’t their type (because they would’ve asked you out) so they’ll just date you because they’re flattered, and when they’re over it they will try to be “friends” aka emotional labor and free sex.

donttextme_k · 2021-12-07T16:19:39+00:00

I had a friend in my circle that was super shy and didn’t have the courage to ask girls out in dating apps, let alone continue a conversation. BUT he liked a girl in the friend group. Never openly admitted but you can tell because he’s always trying to talk to her, offer help, literally anything to be in her proximately.

prince7772 · 2021-12-07T13:20:23+00:00

The egg does not chase the sperm. So I will not and never have chased a man. The girls who do so just don’t love them selves enough like we ultimately have what they want.

xfelugirlx · 2021-12-07T12:36:03+00:00

Yes. They don’t see women that go upfront like someone that they want, they are just easy to get for them

Biracial_tooth_fairy · 2021-12-07T16:41:01+00:00

I understand this but I still get too many guys thinking that I'm flirting with them when I'm not. It makes it so hard especially when I need to work with them.

Taesbucket · 2021-12-07T14:10:44+00:00

I did that once, and so far the worst decision of my life. Dude kept stringing me along even though he had a gf. My friends told me it’s dangerous but I ignored them 🤡

2021-12-07T20:49:31+00:00

Having a crush, assumes that he is not interested. We tend to crush on men who are unavailable. Even if he does go for it, he will see you as less valuable because your pining over him established that he is the prize in this relationship. They will use you to establish their worth to other women and then bounce. And that’s best case scenario.

Don’t have crushes. It’s just stupid. If you catch yourself fantasizing and projecting your wants on to a man, stop and divert your attention elsewhere.

LadiesOpinion · 2021-12-07T11:38:35+00:00

I like to think if it's meant to be, the relationships will naturally happen. If he wanted to, he would.

As a recovering PickMeisha who is WLW, I struggle to translate the FDS "let him take the initiative" rules to a WLW situation. It is a common stereotype that both women will wait passively for the other party to make a move.

Thanks to this sub however, I have learned to match energy 50/50, never chase, and stop trying to prove my worth. My new approach is much more relaxed, take it or leave it. Indeed the thought: "If it was meant to be, it will happen naturally".

MsXxSelfDestructxX · 2021-12-07T18:43:55+00:00

The one time I chased a man, he ended up rejecting me cause he was still very deep in not over his ex of like 5 years prior, a highschool relationship for him pretty much.
A year or two I took that time by myself to care for myself, I was looking much much better than before and in a better head space, suddenly he shows up again wanting to "try again" but as FWB. I still walked away from this one. I don't really feel like chasing a man again, I got nothing out of it.
I notice the subs full of men will tell women they love to be chased and want women to initiate things but consider the above situation I just described lol. My mom would just tell me that I shouldn't ever chase a man, and a man should be wanting to get with me- she's correct here buuuut she doesn't see the type of men that match me on OLD.. ugliest deep sea creatures I've ever seen.

BoxingChoirgal · 2021-12-07T20:44:57+00:00

I tell my daughters this all the time, and have years of experience to back it up. I never hesitate to push back on the nonsensical posts griping about how it's an unfair burden on men and women should pursue.

No.

Men won't refuse easy sex/attention/etc., even if they Don't Like You.

Their saying YES when a woman pursues means NOTHING.

Women on the other hand, when pursued by a man whom they also want to be with, are a safer bet in that we sincerely want to explore a relationship.

galian84 · 2021-12-07T20:43:55+00:00

No, just don’t do it. My parents always taught me that if a man want you, he will move Heaven and Earth to be with you. None of this no/low effort BS.

I didn’t listen to them when I was a pickme, and having pickme friends didn’t help. I used to think it was so “progressive” and “empowering” to chase men. All it got me was men who tried to use me for free sex and female attention. And boyfriends who made minimal to zero effort but were happy to use me as their mommy bangmaid. And they had no respect for me, either. TBH, I had no respect for myself back then, either.

A friend of mine chased the guy who’s now her husband (they broke up once while they were dating and she chased him to get him back). Yes they got married, and no, he doesn’t respect her or treat her well. He didn’t even bother actually proposing to her and he is just a quintessential LVM.

EmpyrealMarch · 2021-12-07T20:45:10+00:00

If you chase a man, know he is not going to return the effort for you. Why would he put any effort into treating you right when you have already shown him you are committed with 0 interested in his part.

jewdiful · 2021-12-07T15:52:51+00:00

My boyfriend pursued me HARD and after a lifetime of crushes that went nowhere at best or ended in heartbreak at worst, I feel your post so deeply. Eight years together and he’s still completely crazy about me. I’ll never ever consider dating any men who doesn’t feel determined to catch me AND keep me and put in tons of effort to do so, continually and unwaveringly.

(We aren’t married by my choice, if I wanted a ring he would have put one on me yesterday!)

ParadoxCoco · 2021-12-07T12:25:21+00:00

Are y'all even meeting any men worth crushing on or pursuing? The last time I had a crush was on my friend in high school and I was wise enough to not tell him or anyone else.

all_or_nothing_bet · 2021-12-07T19:01:24+00:00

I do not believe in "meant to be" or any other deterministic approach to life, but I do strongly agree with your message. Men move mountains for women they are interested in. If he is waiting to be approached and pursued, he is either an opportunistic user, the time waster, the lazy useless looser, or the coward one.

rainbowhelix · 2021-12-07T18:28:31+00:00

I've never seen it end well either. Before I went to therapy, I would sometimes act crazy myself after getting a crush. This led to many of the scenarios you mention. Ego-boosting, "friends" with benefits, yada yada. Never again. Just recently, heard about a friend of a friend who initially pursued a man then had to propose to him eventually. Like winning the Pick-Me Olympics.

The_Cat_Empress · 2021-12-07T13:32:46+00:00

Okay, since I related to this my mentality was “oh he’s really attractive (to me) and if I don’t do anything he will go away”…. However I’m so damn SHY.
None of the few crushes I had in life worked though and it made me feel like I wasn’t attractive enough. I wondered if I was doing something wrong and not pursuing harder. This is why I don’t get crushes lol. However, “if he wanted to, he would” is such a damn good phrase I need it on a shirt. It’s become my mantra when I think of even people in general. If they wanted to be with me…they would. 💅

cherriesandmilk · 2021-12-07T14:32:45+00:00

Absolutely. And don’t believe those men who say they would love for a woman to pursue them/approach them. Ofc they would, they want to humble her or use her for an ego boost. It’s not in a man’s instinct to be chased.

tiavarga · 2021-12-07T14:48:43+00:00

In my younger days (before Reddit and FDS were around) I learned this lesson the hard way. You younger women are so lucky to have FDS to avoid the mistakes a lot of women make.

ifhewantedtohewould · 2021-12-07T11:36:17+00:00

Because men think you’re desperate and thin that you’ll always try to keep them no matter what they do. It allows him to put in ZERO effort from the start. If a man wants you, he will pursue you every time.

thediverswife · 2021-12-09T22:48:03+00:00

Chasing after men doesn’t interest me any longer. I did that in my early twenties and surprise surprise, it never worked out. I will never make the first move, it’s not for me.

JesusisKingisLord · 2021-12-20T15:49:57+00:00

Back in my pickmeisha era, I invited a guy I’d been crushing on to be my date to a wedding. He said yes, and I was thrilled! But it was a disaster for several reasons:

-Everyone at the wedding thought he was my boyfriend, and I had to keep explaining that we weren’t together. Very embarrassing.

-After the falsely romantic evening, I worked up the “courage” to call him and professs my feelings, asking if he felt the same… this man told me that not only did he not feel any type of way about me, he knew that me asking him to the wedding was a form of me chasing him and he still decided to come even though he knew he didn’t like me because he thought it would be fun.

I felt like a major 🤡, and that was the day I stopped chasing men.

Title	Pursuing men never ends well from the women's perspective
Author	fireforestfairy
Upvotes	881
Comments	129
Date	December 7, 2021 10:56 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/rawkun/pursuing_men_never_ends_well_from_the_womens/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/pursuing-men-never-ends-well-from-the-womens.1088189 https://theredarchive.com/post/1088189

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