Reading a relationship book made me realise I don't want a relationship that much

Lost_Kale90 · 2021-10-05T11:42:09+00:00

I actually just read (part) of Why Men Love Bitches, and I was really disappointed. I couldn’t finish it. Some of the tips were good imo, but I reallyy didn’t like the commentary “that’s what men like” etc.

For me, I feel like sex has kind of been ruined. The performative sex, the “I should just explore” sex, the “let me do this so my man will like me sex”, etc. And with LV guys that I wasn’t attracted to. Guys want sex and turn everything sexual so much that I just don’t like it anymore. So I can relate.

Noemie_Mathilde · 2021-10-05T11:50:18+00:00

The FDS handbook is better than any relationship book I've ever read.

seadragon6 · 2021-10-05T11:48:36+00:00

I'm with you there. I do think when reading these dating books (as I am reading only the FDS-approved ones), it's important to take the advice about being a self-possessed, confident woman with your own hobbies and values. You should stand up for yourself if a man has the nerve to criticize you. But... why would I want to date a guy like this anyway? One I have to play "dumb fox" with because he's an asshole deep down? I'd love more discussion on this, or for an FDS apprentice/expert to break down some advice that didn't age well and things that did, but might seem controversial.

kinkardine · 2021-10-05T12:57:35+00:00

I also realized during my last sex session that I was just there to serve his ego, and then it hit me I was doing the same thing my whole fucking active sex life, and did any one of them reciprocate? No. None of them served my ego, pleased me, rather took it to the point it felt procedural, or slut-shamed if I wanted to try something just for fun. Also the interrogation of how many sex partner I have had before-during sex feels like harassing me for having sex with them.

ninefiveoneone · 2021-10-05T13:53:13+00:00

I’m with you. Like the part where if he starts neglecting you or taking you for granted you’re supposed to go on a weekend trip and ignore him or go out all dressed up without telling him where you’re going so he remembers you’re worth it? Wtf? Hell no. I want a man who appreciates me without me having to play games.

esthermaniii · 2021-10-05T12:58:20+00:00

I agree with you. It’s part of the reason I’ve been single and celibate for years now.

It’s like we’re supposed to audition for men’s attention & affection and make them feel good at our own expense.

lilac-hiraeth · 2021-10-05T14:40:53+00:00

I’m currently reading “Men who hate Women” and I totally relate. I have been married and in several relationships over my life and looking back now, I could have done without every single one of them. The value those relationships brought served little more than entertainment with a lot of drama.

I never really had a partnership even in my marriage. I was the breadwinner, I bought the house, I managed the kids, family trips were all organized by me, ect, so I know I can parent on my own with my family and friends. It felt like I rented out a room to a guy (my stbx husband) and outside of our sex life, we lived very different lives.

Now I know I just am happy without it. I have my wonderful kids and am very close with my family and friends. I don’t have to worry about employment or living arrangements because I took care of that early on. I have the things I want, the pets I want, my kids are healthy and smart and busy. What do I need a relationship for that I don’t already have? Romantic relationships are so overhyped and everyone in them seems so miserable. That’s a path I don’t want to go down for a very long time again, if ever. Been there, done that, it was mediocre and there are so many other avenues to feel and give love.

katiekat0214 · 2021-10-05T14:47:22+00:00

I want to read that book, too, just to see, from what you said; I bet I agree with you down the line.

Having been married twice, now in my 50s, I've realized I don't have to play hard to get; I am hard to get. Men are competing against my love of solitude and silence. They're competing against my adoration and devotion to my independence. What do they bring that's more valuable, more interesting than what I truly love? That was not always the case; I was a pickme in teens and 20s, but then marrying the second time to someone who was HV, loving, adoring, kind, considerate... those 17 years with my soulmate were blissful. That said, never again with an older man, no being a nurse or purse, so lessons learned there.

As for sex, I'm of the firm stance that it should all just come naturally, and you absolutely should talk well before you get in bed about what you like, dislike, and what your dealbreakers are. No convo, no sex. But acting during sex? The concept does not compute. It all goes back to "take me as I am or leave". Perfomative anything is foreign to me.

These days, I'd quite like to have a male friend for companionship and occasionally for sex, too, but mostly just doing fun stuff: movies, dinner, road trips, antiquing, etc. About once a week, cooking for each other and maybe a movie in, but nothing set in stone; I'm also pretty firm about I cook when I want to, no schedule. If you get food from me, it's a treat, not an everyday thing.

akashyaboa · 2021-10-05T14:12:33+00:00

I always felt that way too! The flirting, the mind games, the waiting three days before answering, not sending two texts in the row or something, being mysterious, not being this, being that, not being that... pouah. It was so much work and didn't seem to be anything about finding someone you're feeling right with. I didn't want to date anyone because sex seemed like a chore and even just dating them. So all in all I got 1 bf applying pock me methods. He didn't want to be in a relationship and he ended up cheating on me (in the way that we had ground rules and even that he couldn't respect). And he almost never answered to my messages. So I felt like to hell with it and now am just being myself. I'm not playing "hard to get" for anyone. Hell, I am not playing with grown ass men period. Because, wtf ?

TherulerT · 2021-10-05T11:54:02+00:00

The problem with this kind of 'adversarial' dating books is they almost treat dating and relationships like a problem that needs to be solved. Instead of the ways it can bring something extra into your life.

In a relationship, and especially sex, you shouldn't do anything that doesn't feel natural. Having some sort of strategy for everything means you can't ever relax and while it's important to keep vetting, you should also be able to just be you in a relationship.

MajesticPeanut7332 · 2021-10-05T11:56:09+00:00

I have literally been feeling the same way. I have recently come out of a 3rd relationship with a 4chan maledatingstrategy/redpiller. He wasn’t that until we got together not fully and then when he couldn’t manipulate me/verbally abuse me into submission he looked for answers at places like 4chan just so he can achieve that goal. He would shame me about everything including how I am sexually not enough. I have with each relationship come out with different types of damage and always sexual damage. I literally developed a condition over the years where my lady parts have gone on a strike. I am literally not sexually interested in any man even if I fancy them. Its all gross to me and too much effort and down right not that great. Lately nothing is enough for them anymore also. I think Id rather die as a crazy cat lady.

all_or_nothing_bet · 2021-10-05T19:18:57+00:00

I feel like we red different books. That book stressed out the same principles as FDS handbook does - not to rush into sex, to respect yourself and demand the same from others, not to get sucked in to games that men play, to cut contact immediately if there's any sign of disrespect or misaligned intentions, to be financially independent, not to disclose your dealbreakers to avoid manipulation, etc.

I think even if one doesn't plan to date, this book is very useful as a guide to having strong boundaries and healthy non-romantic relationships in everyday life.

MsWriteNow07 · 2021-10-06T06:54:15+00:00

Why men love bitches and why men marry bitches are actually very good books, but reading both of them made me not want a relationship. At some point Sherry Argov says men misbehave to get attention just like toddlers. Then I realized being in a relationship with a man is almost exactly like having a child. And I don’t want children, so why would I want a man? I don’t feel like controlling or pretend praising someone to get them to do the basic bare fucking minimum. Sherry has some good tips, but why would I want to manipulate a man into doing what he supposed to be doing, when I could just be responsible for myself and save the headache? Men add pretty much no value to your life. Run

Big_Illustrious_Vag · 2021-10-05T17:55:40+00:00

When you’re in love and the man is right for you, there are no special tricks for pleasing each other in bed. It’ll just “work” as nature intended.

This idea of performative sex in a lot of these kinds of books is a trick people have to play to actually bring themselves to pleasure because they tried to skip over all the emotional connection pre-requisites.

I have never had to “perform” for men and neither will you, if you’re with the right person and love is there.

Title	Reading a relationship book made me realise I don't want a relationship that much
Author	fireforestfairy
Upvotes	631
Comments	37
Date	October 5, 2021 11:23 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/q1udfy/reading_a_relationship_book_made_me_realise_i/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/reading-a-relationship-book-made-me-realise-i-dont.1077274 https://theredarchive.com/post/1077274

Comments