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[–]verusckaFDS Newbie322 points323 points324 points 6 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
I wish more people would realize this. Some women think there’s a reward in store for always putting others’ needs ahead of their own. Not only is there no reward but often there’s not even an acknowledgement.
Take that energy you pour into your relationships and pour it into yourself.
[–]seraphinelysionFDS Apprentice111 points112 points113 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
often there’s not even an acknowledgement.
Being taken for granted is like the ultimate relationship killer for me.
[–]HornetKickFDS Newbie40 points41 points42 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
acknowledgement
OMG that word. You are too right. I dated a guy once where I would stupidly go out of my way by purchasing a gift and having it delivered to his door or placing a cute stuffed animal on his car. I had to call about the stuffed animal because he didn't bring it up and I asked him how did that make him feel and he was like: I was smiling from ear to ear. He said it was great that I was thinking about him and then I asked, but what about me...don't you think I want to feel that at some point. Silence on the other end. No we're no longer together.
[–]frodosdojoFDS Newbie12 points13 points14 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Well said. I have no interest in waiting on a man hand and foot.
[–]PokemonBreederAJFDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Working on this now. Was feeling really bad abandonment issues and like I always lose people. After some analyzing I realized things like that hit me so hard because of how much time and energy I put into friendships/ relationships despite not recieving it back. Not necessarily in a transactional way but just not being appreciated or feeling like people cared about me the same way.
I am super hard on myself so it's hard to transition into treating myself with more love but I'm working on it!
[–]verusckaFDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Me too. Don’t stop being your caring self, try to seek out people who appreciate it and can reciprocate! 🥰
[+][deleted] 6 years ago* (5 children) | Copy Link
[deleted]
[–][deleted] 37 points38 points39 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This!! I'm second gen and my mom is exactly like this. Every time she travels she barely packs even clothes and basic things for herself or even important stuff like her medication, she shoves it all into a backpack so she can take extra (paid) suitcases full of stuff for her family or friends. Shes a generous person and goes on about how her mom was like that and always gave things to others but I don't think it's a good way to live your whole life. I don't buy into that same guilt trip that I "owe" them because I live better, rather it should be out of your own desire to give and nothing more, not guilt and shame. Lately she's been burned by family friends and community members who take advtange of her and has started crying about how she needs to be "more mean" and how her "kindness is being repaid with evil." I keep trying to explain to her how she just needs to be discerning and quit going above and beyond for people who wouldn't do even a fraction of the same for her. But she insists it's culture and how "people didn't used to be like that" and it's the new generation...sigh..
[–]AdminiousFDS Newbie29 points30 points31 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I hear you! My cousin came over from a different country and her mom (my aunt) bought her everything she wanted because my dad ended up paying for.
She lose the iPhone she got in the airport going home. She basically took all my sister barbies without asking (but she never plays with them so I guess its ok) I was forced to come over during the weekend and drive them around, but I lived in a different city 80 miles away.
My aunt never helped my mother out in the kitchen, but wanted every meal home cooked. We basically gave away anything they wanted, because we are always rebuy everything here.
I got mad, and I was so tried of being a uber driver. I left all my nice stuff at home. Only brought essential and pretend my spare computer was broken. I didn't want them to take anything of mine.
I only give away thing I don't use or want. I get mad when my mom buy new thing for other and not us. Its not our fault they refused to move to america and stay in a war throne countries.
Yeah it's scary to move to a new country, learning English isn't easy, but holy shit shut up no more excuse pick your damn poison!!! My parent risk everything to be here, so stop complaining you don't have the "good life"
Im ok with many parents only helping their sick family member who can't work.There no social benefit where they live, only willing family member systems.
Honestly any sibling who doesn't help out with the expensive can shove it. Just because my dad make American money doesn't mean he need to share or help you out too! He has two disabled kids to support and he should help me and my sister out first before buying you nice new gadget you lose or brake after a month.
Not trying to sound entitled, but it's annoying to hear how many time they lose or break things and ask for more when I'm busting my ass trying to make a life for my self. I still have my oringal gameboy color in amazing condition. Show how much I value my gifts and at the end of the day, I'll be responsible for my disabled slibing not my extended family. So that money should be saved for them.
[–]GlitterLoveAngelFDS Newbie5 points6 points7 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I agree with you except for one thing. You shouldn’t lie about how your computer is broken and all the other stuff. Rather you should call them out for taking advantage of you and your family and how selfish they’re being or they may continue to take advantage of others. Point out that you have your own needs and wants and that they should be grateful rather than greedy for everything you give them.
[–]likejackandsallyPickmeisha™️23 points24 points25 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Similar situation, except all my family are in the same country.
My sister is much older than me. She turns 50 this year and has custody of her grandson. Her whole life she’s looked for a way to have someone take care of her so she wouldn’t have to work.
Now she’s getting older, has little marketable skills and only a GED. She doesn’t have any money in savings and nothing for retirement.
I, however, took my success and general life comfort seriously and make more than the average household income by myself. I’m educated, work in the tech industry, and generally made good life choices.
Every year she hits me up to buy school shoes for her grandson, pay her cell phone bill, help with electric, and buy her pets food and litter. She asked for help getting the stray cats around her house that she’s been feeding spayed and neutered. I agreed, until she told me it was about 10+ cats and then acted like I was betraying her when I told her I could only afford 2-3 because I have 3 cats of my own to take care of.
Even before I was making this much, she leeched off me. I had to live with her for a bit a few years ago. When I moved it, we had the agreement I was living rent free and only paying for my bills. 2 months into it, she sits me down and tells me she decided I can afford to pay 200$ a month for rent. With out any input from me or sitting down to work with me to see how much I actually could afford.
The bills were always still late and cut-off notices still came in even with her and her boyfriend at the time both working full time. The she quit her job and told me one night that she was thinking of breaking up with her boyfriend and her and I could keep the household going. I straight up told her no, and that I planned to have my own place in 4 months and I was going to do that regardless of her relationship and employment status. She ended up not breaking it off with him and I did move out 4 months later.
Over the last few years I’ve had to re-enforce my boundaries with her. It’s like that book “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie”. She pushes to see how much I’ll give. I stopped giving as much. She hasn’t hit me up in a few months, not even to catch up. I’m assuming it’s because she has a new boyfriend and he’s paying her way.
I just decided one day, her life problems weren’t my responsibility and I’ve been much happier and put all that extra money in savings.
[–]notbasic4karenFDS Newbie8 points9 points10 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Omg I’m so sorry. When you said gifts I thought of a normal housewarming gift like a bottle of wine or a tshirt from your new city. Not laptops jfc.
[–]whatisfunemploymentFDS Newbie78 points79 points80 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
We plan our lives and allocate our energy according to relationships or events me hope MIGHT happen... I wish I had an FDS Fairy following me around and stopping me from doing this :(
[–]verusckaFDS Newbie45 points46 points47 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Be your own FDS Fairy! I believe in you :)
[–]seraphinelysionFDS Apprentice14 points15 points16 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
We plan our lives and allocate our energy according to relationships or events me hope MIGHT happen...
You know what we call that? Wishful thinking.
[–]seraphinelysionFDS Apprentice59 points60 points61 points 6 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
This alone makes being single and living alone so worth it. It gives you so much clarity and insight into yourself, your space, your stuff, your finances, and your life in general. Learn to do things on your own and for yourself, not because you think someone expects anything from you. Every woman should experience this at least once in their life, just so you have a frame of reference and something to compare all your next relationships to. Is this new man worth the peace you had when you were single? If yes, carry on. If no, move on.
[–]hornsofdestructionFDS Newbie16 points17 points18 points 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Lord help me, I wish I could afford living on my own right now. I have a male roommate in his 40’s and half the time he has no idea what stuff is his or where things are! It’s like I’m his wife anyway and we aren’t even dating. I wish I could draw a line down al of the cabinets to signify which shit is his.
[–]highoncatnipbrowniesFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
With roommates it always makes me wonder if they cant figure something like this out. Or if they just dont care to..
[–]Rilse0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I mean, you can? When I lived with roommates, often cupboards would be designated for each person for this exact reason.
[–]hornsofdestructionFDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
A few issues: he was living alone before I moved in...his stuff is everywhere and he has a lot of it. There isn’t much room for my stuff. Second, he still uses the stuff that I’ve put on separate shelves, etc and will put my things back in the wrong place because he just puts stuff away not knowing what is his. It’s a bit of a mess, which I wasn’t expecting when I moved in.
[–]CassieGreen85FDS Apprentice6 points7 points8 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Yep, I can't wait to be able to buy my own house, or at the very least, my own apartment. I'd love to have lots of rooms (just for me), but I'm realistic and can go Konmari/Spartan/minimalist whenever needed.
Living alone, owning your space will always be the best.
[–]just_takin_the_dFDS Apprentice1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I'm looking to build my own house right now and going through this dilemma! I'm currently deciding whether 4 bed is too big for me 😊. But like the post says, if Ican afford it and want it, why not! 1 bed for me, 1 for guest room, 1 for an office and 1 for errrrmmmm...stuff....
I'm thinking to get a 4 bedroom as it doesn't cost much more than a 3, and it would be easier to sell (4th bed is media room, which people expect now in my area)
[–]highoncatnipbrowniesFDS Newbie141 points142 points143 points 6 years ago* (10 children) | Copy Link
I have noticed throughout my life that people just take my stuff and it is a constant battle to either get it back or stop them from helping themselves. I can't prove this is because I am a woman but it sure feels that way.
- My step mother would go through my stuff while I was at school and literally help herself to anything she wanted or get rid of things she didn't like. She would also lone out my clothes to my cousin and then they were just gone.
- People who "borrowed" my things would then lend them to other people (who the hell does that?) and they'd be gone.
- Never ever lend books because they are just gone.
- I had a guy over and he was showering, I showed him where my bath supplies were and said "help yourself to whatever you need" thinking soap and toothpaste etc. He swiped a few teeth whitening strips. Like some for later. This one also used my fancy face scrubs and lotions... like.. is that normal?
- Tupperware and dishes, ya right, gone.
- Anything that comes in a package of many, someone always wants 'some' of them so they don't have to get their own.
- Food? OMG.... no just no... leave my snacks alone you vultures!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I have to be gluten free so it BURNS me when someone eats all my GF cookies or whatever when there is a wheat filled version of it right there!
Anything that leaves my house I almost automatically accept that it's just gone. But yet I'm always careful to return anything that isn't mine. Is this normal? I've had to become very protective of my things just to keep what I own as mine.
[–]2340000Ruthless Strategist109 points110 points111 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I feel this exact sentiment about my body. Yes, men have stolen my food or minimized the importance of my belongings, but I've never seen such disregard for women as it relates to consent.
Men grab my body that is not theirs. Take my consent when it's never been given. It's so insulting because I'm not grabbing people's body parts. Yet, men help themselves.
At work and in my everyday life men occupy public space that is mine. Speak when I'm speaking. Cut me off in line. It's infuriating.
[–]grand_tiremasterPickmeisha™️21 points22 points23 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
A good man would never take food from his lady, in fact he would give up his own food to his lady if it meant she would be more happy and full.
[–]likejackandsallyPickmeisha™️31 points32 points33 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I buy double of things. One nice set for myself and one cheap set I don’t care about.
You need a pen? Take one of these .50¢ pens, not my good ones.
Handing out baked goods? It goes in the cheap dollar store Tupperware. Keep it.
People staying over? Here’s the cheap travel size amenities. Take as many as you like.
You want a snack? Here’s a shelf/drawer just for you.
But I never, ever share books, food I’m currently eating, or clothes. Those are hard no’s.
[–]baby--bunnyAt-Risk Pick Me Youth24 points25 points26 points 6 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
Sorry but the dude taking your white strips is so ridiculous it made me laugh, what the fuck is wrong with people, why would anyone ever think that's okay
[–]highoncatnipbrowniesFDS Newbie10 points11 points12 points 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Right! And then Im like... am I crazy for being annoyed by white strips? Have we really hit this low here?
But its the lack of manners that burn me really, not the object. Like I was kind to share. Do you really need to pocket extra things?
It made me realize that no, others do not necessarily think the way I do. As in I would NEVER do that to someone else.
[–]Sayeesa13FDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
It sounds like you need to be more picky about who you let into your circle!! You are definitely not crazy.
[–]highoncatnipbrowniesFDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
That's the truth. These are the eye opening events I listed. I'm now very strict about living alone and not letting people have access to my space.
[–]HhjjuuyFDS Apprentice4 points5 points6 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
You're placing the meaning of the insignificance of the white strips on the wrong person. If it's such a small thing to be annoyed about is it not such a small thing to disrespect someone over? Why would he do something so strange for such little gain?
We do this a lot where LVM do something wrong that has such a minor gain for them that we think we're crazy for being annoyed by it. But are they not the crazy ones for making someone feel bad over something so easy not to do?
[–]Geocities_SEO_ExpertFDS Apprentice10 points11 points12 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I've found that men and women both will borrow a book, cd, or video, and it will be months before they "have the time" to use it and return it. And it's usually in terrible condition by the time I get it back. So I will never lend media again.
I only lend it if I can replace it anymore. And I do not think I can remember even one single person who read a book that they borrowed. Its like they just want to keep it on their shelf... lol
[–]Capable_OkraFDS Newbie45 points46 points47 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I got in a fight with my ex because my best friend had sent me a gift of art supplies and I didn't want to share them. He felt entitled to my birthday gift.
[–]_boring_daven_FDS Newbie20 points21 points22 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
What an entitled piece of shit. I’m glad he’s your ex!
How awful. I hope you kept them to yourself. I love art supplies.
[–]msromperstomperFDS Apprentice29 points30 points31 points 6 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link
I once got into a minor accident in the parking lot of a children's museum (no real damage as we were going 5mph tops). The woman who hit my car felt so badly that she came over to my house and gifted me with the largest assortment of delicious chocolates that I had ever seen. Two days later I went to have the first of the chocolates...and the entire stash was gone. My boyfriend had eaten all of them. When I justifiably got angry, he then "replaced" the chocolates with a Hershey's bar (you can't make this stuff up...)
[–]jolla92126FDS Newbie18 points19 points20 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
He's an ex now, right?
[–]GlitterLoveAngelFDS Newbie8 points9 points10 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Dear god I hope so
[–]msromperstomperFDS Apprentice2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yes, but as this was one of many incidents I developed the habit of locking my delicious chocolates in the filing cabinet of my home office.
[–]GlitterLoveAngelFDS Newbie12 points13 points14 points 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
I don’t get why men feel like they’re entitled to women’s stuff. I also don’t get why men can do something without asking.
[–]CassieGreen85FDS Apprentice11 points12 points13 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Basically, once a woman is "his" her stuff is his and his stuff is his.
[–]highoncatnipbrowniesFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
This!!!
[–]msromperstomperFDS Apprentice7 points8 points9 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
But the funny thing is it never works the other way. You can be sure they're itemizing all their things and asking for immediate restitution when you drink that can of soda in the fridge.
[–]TheOGJammiesRuthless Strategist21 points22 points23 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
That's that pickmeisha programming we're trying to rid the culture of over here.
[–]GeorgerobertfrancisFDS Newbie19 points20 points21 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I wish I learned this ten years ago.
[–]CassieGreen85FDS Apprentice13 points14 points15 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Yeeeepppp. This is why I'm never having kids, get into a guardian/mommy role EVER, and will try really hard to not marry a dude who puts me in the mommy position (regardless of kids, most are already big man-babies). Childfree forever for me!
Let's face it, most women, when they become moms, their lives are pretty much over (unless they have an incredibly dedicated partner and both vow to become good parents AND maintain a healthy relationship). Everything they have, their emotions, attention, time, body, labor, goes to the children AND the husband. EVERY. ATOM. Is not theirs anymore. Very few women end up with a wonderful partner who truly goes 50/50 with them (and not even then, remember women still have to carry the pregnancy, which ages their bodies 10 years).
No. I refuse to be a supporting character in my own story. I'm not a fucking NPC in my own game file. I have a limited amount of time on this Earth, and there's already overpopulation, me owning my own life takes away nothing. Men want a mommy, they can look somewhere else.
[–]just_takin_the_dFDS Apprentice2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Agree. The best thing is to plan life to be single (get that financial independence sorted). If a nice HVM who sees me as more than a vessel for popping out children comes my way...great. If not, I'll be perfectly happy in my own house, with my dog, good career, and loving family and friends.
[–]SuchBarracudaFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Truth truth and absolute truth!
[–]CannaUlim0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Do people actually believe you can’t have things that are just yours?
[–]ConvivialViperFDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
If only I could go back in time...
Sage advice ❤️
[–]4BigDataFDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Who is the genius?
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