This is why I refuse to date single fathers. Being childfree keeps certain drama out of your life.

VeronaMoreau · 2022-02-16T14:36:09+00:00

But this makes me sad because these kids will “blame” their mom for not giving the dad a “reason” to come around. This puts it on the mom’s, again.

sewingmachinesavior · 2022-02-16T15:42:19+00:00

I’m white, and I lived this too. Once I started setting boundaries around sex, and refused to play his game of “Ill do fun things with the family if I get sex”, things spiraled out of control real quick. It was scary. And it’s not the type of abuse there is much support for. So few people know the level of sexual abuse, coercion, and torture (he wouldn’t let me sleep, or would wake me in the middle of the night) I endured.

MacrameGoose34 · 2022-02-16T14:22:37+00:00

My white father was always on "business trips" but I found out recently that he had a mistress for the entirety of my childhood, which he was never present for....I feel sick having to interact with this man...

VeronaMoreau · 2022-02-16T15:24:27+00:00

Yeah, this should really have the "social group strategy" flair because it was written by, for, and about African American women specifically.

I'm really glad that the comments on the original post were very well curated. I saw a couple people trying to derail and dismiss, but a lot of the people who haven't had that experience, were mostly just saying how astounded they were at how many women were talking about what they had to do or what they're not doing.

I have friends who are single mothers and all of them talked about how ridiculously uncooperative their child's father became once they started dating again. Because for a lot of these men, having a baby with a woman is a way to keep her as "permanently yours."

Funny how, for all these men like to scream about a mother keeping their child from them, they're never trying to scream that down at the courtroom.

Reasonable-Slice-827 · 2022-02-16T16:28:48+00:00

Men babytrap women 100x more than women babytrap men.

jk1983671 · 2022-02-16T15:57:48+00:00

Sadly, this has been my experience. Once you eliminate the benefits they aren't around. I'm not exchanging sex for you to be involved in your child's life. I wont.

HotPinkSunrise88 · 2022-02-16T17:53:33+00:00

How disgusting. They should want to see their own children without getting something in return — spending time with the kids is the reward, no?

ImpressiveCharge2619 · 2022-02-16T15:31:31+00:00

POC woman here. This is absolutely rampant in the black community. The behaviors, disrespect, and blatant abuse we have tolerated to keep a man or a father figure in our lives is sickening. There is definitely a transactional aspect with echoes of pimp culture.

makeawomancum · 2022-02-16T14:47:32+00:00

Damn, this is too real… I’m not Black (I’m Asian American), but do relate. My dad is a classic lvm. Had 3 kids with his first wife, married my mom after she became pregnant (she did not know he wasn’t divorced yet when they met). Had 3 kids with my mom. Was barely there for all 6 of his kids + 1 kid from my mom. And he managed to fuck things up with all 7 of us. All because he couldn’t stop sexually coercing my mom for 20+ years, she left him finally. It hurts my heart when I think about how she told me that she felt like she was getting raped almost every night. Growing up, I used to hear my dad never stop asking until my mom gave in reluctantly. I thought it was normal and it led to me allowing myself to get abused by men like my father during my teenage years and very early 20s. Thankfully I found FDS and want to break this generational trauma + my mom appears to have found a HVM for a boyfriend (she’s 53, what wall???)

Edit: My dad is also 12 years older than my mom… 😭 she told me to not be fooled. Just because he’s older doesn’t mean he’s mature or will take good care of you.

vbych76 · 2022-02-16T17:24:21+00:00

Devastating. This is the first time I hear about this ( I don't doubt it's true at all) and I really need to wrap my head around it.

Equal-Ear2312 · 2022-02-17T02:06:58+00:00

So the price for child visits is blow jobs and pussy? Seems to me that they entrap a woman with a child only to sexually exploit her afterwards.

"No, Mary. If you don't give me that pussy now, the way I want it, I'm going to bail on our children's school dances this year."

So pussy is the price women have to pay to just... What? Have the children think they have a father? 🤡

CleopatrasAphrodite · 2022-02-16T19:08:26+00:00

Sadly this is very true. My ex is no longer involved in our sons life just because I wouldn't take him back and also because I wouldn't sleep with him the few times he did turn up. I remember my son saying to me once "daddy is only here to see you mummy" that broke my heart.

Some ex's are truly unhinged if he wasn't trying to get back with me or sleep with me then he'd be verbally abusive towards me. Our son is now 19 years old, he's grown into such a lovely young man, he's achieved so much and I'm extremely proud of him.

DioriteDiorite · 2022-02-16T14:36:38+00:00

This is all true, but it extends far beyond the black community. A lot of guys will deliberately baby trap random women with the goal of building up a harem and getting sex whenever they want in exchange for helping with the children. They know the women will have more trouble dating and finding someone better once they’re saddled with his kids, and will likely be desperate for his financial & emotional support too. And this isn’t just the broke shiftless “baby daddy” types, it also extends to rich men who marry 3 or 4 times and have exes and kids everywhere. Just look at Elon Musk. It’s the perfect situation for a NVM to maintain control over multiple women and spread his shitty genes far & wide. Guard your wombs!!

Own_Strength314 · 2022-02-16T14:26:00+00:00

I've seen this first hand in my family, even after my mother gave it up to my father to get money for us to buy rations, he would still go around fucking other women. He didnt care about us or my mother. He just cared about his dick. And she had to do whatever it took to survive and care for me and my siblings.

throwaway-fds · 2022-02-16T17:15:22+00:00

This is facts and definitely not unique to the black community! My white father would spend the entire weekend with me for maybe 10 minutes total (I'm still being generous) as he spent most of his time talking to my mom, getting her drunk, and taking her to the bedroom/take photos of her. If he had me for the weekend, he would dump me on his girlfriend's kids (Yes he cheated on his partners all the time) and do the same get her drunk + take advantage of her routine with the mom. I'm confident my mom never wanted to do any of this with him (I stumbled upon photos on his laptop and my mom looked very unhappy) but she still wanted him in our lives and it was the only thing bringing him back around.

girl_NO_ · 2022-02-16T17:55:14+00:00

This is beyond depressing, and REAL.

2022-02-16T18:32:52+00:00

I’m shook that this is a thing and so turned off from ever having children with a man. Please ladies, protect your wombs, watch how he reacts to small rejections ie you not being in the mood, and listen to your gut.

gingerwabisabi · 2022-02-16T19:34:39+00:00

I think this is everywhere. Someone (on this sub I think but can't find it now) linked a tiktokker a while back who talks about this, mending.me.

It OPENED MY EYES. Basically EVERY Bible Study or women's small group meeting I ever went to when I was a Christian revolved around the married women talking about how their kids made them feel touched out but their husband really wanted it, how could they get themselves to do it more? They constantly talked to each other about needing their husbands to be more of "Godly leaders" which was actually code for "I want him to voluntarily spend time with the kids, read them stories, teach them things, and I want him to do household chores without me asking and without him sulking or acting like his job means he never has to do anything else. Also, it would be nice if he seduced me instead of pestered me."

At the time I was utterly naive and was jealous of anyone who was able to have sex, so I just thought no way that would ever be me, I had too high of a drive to ever end up like that. As an adult, I've understood the issues more and more but this TikTok lady really explained it in a way I GOT.

Many if not most husbands keep a mental scoreboard and get resentful when their wife says no. They might pressure her openly, or they might try to stuff their feelings and assume she won't notice, but the wives do over time realize there is a scoreboard. Over years of this they become unable to be turned on by their husband due to the coercion, but they blame themselves for being bad wives and keep trying to figure out some way to be okay with what FEELS like rape when they do it.

I knew my scrote father was awful and abusive and was a dangerous sex pest while they were separating, but watching her account made me realize he went from "at least pretending to be a good husband" to holding us all hostage to his moods and being an outright Abuser when my mother suffered a permanent birth injury from my sibling. She was partially disabled from it and I realize now he got big mad - he COULD have stepped up, stopped being lazy, made more money, and gotten her the ongoing medical treatment she needed and probably gotten more sex too, but instead he threw a decades' long tantrum that alienated his entire family and will mean he never meets any grandchildren.

Her account also explained the weird dynamic of my mother constantly trying to apologize for our dad's behavior and talk him up as if he actually loved us but was just going through a hard time - it was that she felt guilty, like she was being a bad wife for not being enthusiastic 100% of the time. I feel even worse about everything she has gone through :(

Moral of the story: Women, get powerful and make plenty of money before you get married and have kids. Maybe have kids alone. Feminism is vital. Do not allow LVM to reproduce. Guard your womb and only give access to the ones who deserve it.

Efflights6 · 2022-02-16T17:35:36+00:00

Never thought about it, but this might be the sad reality, disgusting.

Poorfck · 2022-02-16T23:53:49+00:00

[permanently deleted]

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2022-02-17T01:42:12+00:00

I'm white but the same thing happened to me. I split up with my ex husband when our son was small and had to give up sex to get my son "baby sitted" or I couldn't go to work (ex husband of course was unemployed.)

He put holes in the condoms we used and baby trapped me with my wonderful daughter. I got back with him after this as I didn't think I could cope with two kids on my own. I regret this decision a lot.

When we split up for good the next time, both our kids were teenagers. He still tried to get sex even though he has left me for another woman. I sent her recordings and screenshots. She stayed with him.

Vaahla · 2022-02-16T15:52:36+00:00

This is a gender issue, not a race issue.

I know white guys who hid their kids for years from their social circles, until they were banging baby mama again and suddenly they have children over 5. Like magic.

The kids are only a factor in his life of he can leverage bedroom time with their mother.

This might be more common in certain cultures, but any man is capable of this.

Thank you for bringing light to this OP, it’s something we need to talk about.

nemurenainda · 2022-02-16T14:26:19+00:00

My father never asked anything of my mother to love and nurture me. He was my primary parent and while he wasn't a perfect HVM husband, he was a man of morals.

katiekat0214 · 2022-02-16T14:44:10+00:00

Okay, as an older white woman... not a lot of this makes sense to me.

Sex should not ever be transactional; this sounds like free prostitution. And it also sounds like she wouldn't be "giving up" much. Dance recital, pride at her child's accomplishment over the unbridled joy and privilege to suck a peen? yeah, such a hard choice there.

I'm a childfree woman, and I have a hard, hard, nigh impossible time imagining "sharing" a sperm donor without basically cutting all contact if he's going to be community dick. Just... why? I mean, if he pays child support, even then, there's mail, Venmo, Cashapp, Paypal. No need for contact. Just pay what you owe and let the mother support her child.

Pressuring someone into "giving up" sex is not consent; it's coercion and one step away from rape. So goddamned toxic on so many levels. This has nothing to do with raising children. It has everything to do with power and control.

Pimp culture honestly sounds like just another way to hate and oppress women. So glad I'm childfree. This is reason number 2,239,597. Seriously, correct me if I've missed anything; I always want to learn, and I admit I'm not 100% up on all other cultures.

Sewud · 2022-02-18T11:25:14+00:00

This is really eye opening to the amount of unpaid labor that women perform... I imagine there are a lot of women who are not free to stop having sex with their husband for a number of reasons. And then men complain when women say they should get some financial compensation out of a marriage? Of course some women are free, some women make enough money, they aren't forced to have sex. But the others? And then it's not just the money, but the guy being nice to the kids too? Really sad...

It reminds me of the movie Batman Begins where Batman gets told he doesn't know desperation because he's grown up privileged and hasn't experienced the world. Then he goes on a trip being a white man all over the world to experience hardship...

pinkgirly111 · 2022-02-20T09:29:23+00:00

i had to read this twice to understand. and i’m fucking livid. sometimes i just want to give up. how can men be so cruel.

Title	This is why I refuse to date single fathers. Being childfree keeps certain drama out of your life.
Author	SerialGeneralist
Upvotes	713
Comments	72
Date	February 16, 2022 1:22 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/stvsen/this_is_why_i_refuse_to_date_single_fathers_being/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/this-is-why-i-refuse-to-date-single-fathers-being.1210985 https://theredarchive.com/post/1210985

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