What should you do when you can't trust your own intuition?

MissouriBlue · 2021-09-13T19:12:38+00:00

Your intuition is always right. You may have just been ignoring what it is actually telling you. Or you’ve gotten to where you two don’t speak the same language any more…?

Sounds like some self care is in order.

Investigate self-worth and self-esteem.

I discovered that decades of varying levels of relationships had impacted my self-love and I was beginning to develop a co-dependent relationship style. Nipping that in the bud will save you lots of frustration. 😳

cranesinspace · 2021-09-13T19:08:30+00:00

I think our intuition is never misguided - after all if you truly listened to it you wouldn’t actually get into the bad relationships in the first place, our intuition is something we are taught to ignore all the time, and we squash it down routinely.

To be fair there is something to be said about re-learning attraction when it used to function on a rollercoaster, hot-and-cold, trauma bond basis, yes. But I will be damned if I’m gonna settle for someone just cause they’re nice and I can barely get myself to feel excited about them.

Imagine spending your whole life with someone you’re not even attracted to just because they’re decent, no thank you.

You can experiment and see how you’re feeling about them after a couple of dates but if it all makes you dry as the Sahara desert, keep going, a man would never even stop to consider such a thing.

pickmieshaexorcist · 2021-09-13T20:14:39+00:00

Three things:

First, and most importantly, your intuition is never wrong. If you aren’t attracted to someone, you aren’t attracted. The moment you try to talk yourself into or out of your intuition is when things go to hell. Don’t go for a hot guy throwing up red flags (which from your post I gather you’re doing well at now), but don’t also go for the “nice guy” that makes you cringe a little when you think about kissing him. If this means you don’t date anyone for now, so be it.
You may have the compulsion to analyze why because you mistakenly believe there’s something broken inside YOU causing you to attract “hot bad guys”, and so now you think you should hold your nose and try the other end of the spectrum in an effort to “fix” yourself. No. It’s not you. MOST MEN are shit in the dating scene nowadays. Christ, just look on this sub or even Reddit at large. You can’t fall into the trap that there must be something about YOU that makes men act a certain way. They act that way because of them, not you. And Just because a guy is “good on paper” and can keep up niceness for longer than the guys you’re used to, does not necessarily mean these are HVM free and clear. He could also he abusive; just a different flavor. Only now you’re also repulsed by him too, hooray. So all things considered you might as well choose guys you’re attracted to (while also honoring your intuition above all).
If you choose you can try therapy if you feel like there’s unresolved trauma or childhood family of origin issues, but do NOT let therapy or therapists talk you out of your intuition when it comes to men either. Therapy should be a separate form of self care, not a fix for you to force yourself to be into the “right kind” of man.

Proof_Neighborhood_7 · 2021-09-13T20:39:50+00:00

You could seek therapy to help find out if you tend to gravitate towards men who aren't good for you, and why that is. We often unconsciously replicate childhood patterns in our romantic relationships, because they feel familiar. I used to be interested in men who were narcissistic and unavailable because surprise, they reminded me of my dad (summarizing here for the sake of brevity). I am currently doing therapy to work through all this.

When I first met my narcissistic ex, I felt like the stars had aligned, like a gap inside myself had been filled. In fact, it was because I had those unhealed daddy issues and extremely low self-esteem, and I was being lovebombed and manipulated. The relationship felt familiar, therefore it "felt good" on the surface; My gut instinct kept telling me I was unhappy, but I had such low self-esteem that I would ignore it. Fortunately, I was able to leave. But yes, I did struggle with trusting my intuition.

I think once you start valuing yourself, your feelings and your needs, trusting your intuition will come naturally.

When you sort out your issues, your energy will be different and you will attract/be attracted to men who are good for you.

I hope this was helpful, wish you the best of luck.

ExistentialJelly · 2021-09-14T00:21:15+00:00

When I was making repeatedly bad choices in dating, I took time off from dating. One time I took 3 years away from it and I explored more of my interests and just listened to myself more. It helped me to validate my own intuition.

For example: I used to think I was a prude for not wanting to make out in public, but then I realized that's a totally healthy boundary to have. But a lot of guys tried to convince me of it before and even though I had that gut feeling that I was being disrespected, I would go along with it. I didn't take a step back to listen to my own voice and analyze what part of their character set it off.

Listen to your intuition. When you don't let others people drown out your voice while you figure out your boundaries, it's easier to find them and establish them your next attempt of forming any kind of relationship (platonic, or romantic)

Last_Nerve42 · 2021-09-14T00:53:29+00:00

Have you read The Gift of Fear? The author talks a LOT about women tapping into their own intuition, particularly where it comes to interactions with men. I'm reading it now, so not done with it yet, but it's been very interesting so far.

ShittyPianist · 2021-09-14T01:39:20+00:00

I'm a 9 or 10 (if you stretch one of the criteria to be "parents tried putting you in jail multiple times") on the ACEs scale. I'm super hardwired to go after horrible dudes. Everything in my body tends to favor a sexy hot mess of a man over someone responsible and kind.

I strongly recommend therapy and really getting to the roots of your intuition/attractions, and then challenging it. For me, this process has taken about 3 years and some medication.

These days, I actually go after nice men who will do right by me. It's taken a lot of work though, oddly enough.

imtryingtotryhere · 2021-09-14T04:08:28+00:00

Immediate attraction (based mostly on visual cues) and gut intuition are different things. I've often confused the two, though, in my peak pickme days. I haven't fully solved it yet. But I'm focusing on really simple things like:

Immediate attraction - omg I WANT this dress
Intuition - I know it's out of my budget though. I know deep down I would rather save this money
Decision - I will purchase this one day if it makes financial sense to do so. I will admire its looks from afar, but I will not engage!

It's a silly example, but I'm just working on better decision making overall.

Muffcakelord · 2021-09-14T00:32:57+00:00

Self care, focus on you, respect and love yourself, and understand that your intuition is the cynic in you. I at least emotionally dislike 80% of the men i see per default, if not more, even if i enjoy their company or interactions. I still know that even though we hang out fine right now, being friends or partners would be hell. Most people are not compatible. Your intuition should be the most strict voice in your head and you should follow that one for the dating scene.

Short: i think you mistake your intuition for your logical or associative feeling process rather than your intuition. Your intuition might say no and the rest says "yes i deserve this". Typical for many

ConstantNurse · 2021-09-14T09:53:35+00:00

Constantly getting into relationships with men who seem to have the same personality type and treat you terribly?

Sounds like it's time to hit up a therapist to break the cycle. Humans are creatures of habit and will unknowingly seek that which they are familiar with. Therapy helps us recognize detrimental habits and take steps to heal.

I don't think that our intuition is wrong, we often know these NVM/LVM are what we assumed they would be. We are taught from a young age to give people a chance, to look at the best in everyone, but this leads to horrible abusive relationships when we force ourselves to look for good in abhorrent people while ignoring all the bad.

It's why I am a huge advocate of therapy. Nothing breaks the rose-colored glasses like therapy does.

yoursultana · 2021-09-14T14:48:49+00:00

You need to do everything in your power to heal yourself. Once you heal, your intuition comes out clearer and stronger than ever.

thowawaywookie · 2021-09-15T00:52:14+00:00

It might be helpful to take inventory of your past relationships. What were the similarities about them? How did the relationships start and progress? At what point did you feel something was wrong or off about them? What was your response? I think laying out these basics can help you see the triggers from guys that are wrong for you. Notice if anything reminds you of either one of your parents.

Then I would make a list of your values and boundaries. I found this gave me something solid to ground myself to and a more solid sense of myself. I wasn't like a boat without a rudder that people could just push and pull my boundaries while I just drifted along. Building your self to be solid helps a lot when dealing with anyone.

ferociouslycurious · 2021-09-14T20:53:58+00:00

Sometimes women are attracted to men with toxic traits. I think time studying yourself, your interactions etc and probably therapy to help work through them may be helpful. Along with a healthy dose of “fuck it I don’t need a man” so you’re not likely to overlook red flags.

Title	What should you do when you can't trust your own intuition?
Author	coccinellids13
Upvotes	135
Comments	32
Date	September 13, 2021 6:44 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/pnlnad/what_should_you_do_when_you_cant_trust_your_own/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/what-should-you-do-when-you-cant-trust-your-own.1070609 https://theredarchive.com/post/1070609

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