Why do people post questions/ask for advice on relationships that are clearly red flags?

comet2004 · 2020-09-06T17:27:17+00:00

its because society conditions women to take that much abuse. before I found fds I was making the same kind of posts because people irl and the other reddit subs make you doubt your reality as a women. now that ive found out about this sub I read my old posts and cringe at even questioning whether that behavior was acceptable.

Ms_Tilly · 2020-09-06T17:41:58+00:00

Every time my friends have come to me for advice about abusive men, they seem to hear me and are ready to end it. But a few days later, they come to me again with some plan they've hatched to make the relationship work. And the plan is always to lower their own boundaries and expectations. When I try to tell them this is a bad idea, they absolutely do not want to hear me and make up every excuse they can. Weeks to months later, they've dumped the loser and it takes them months to completely move on. I can't tell you the amount of times this has happened over and over. They never fucking learn.

divination__ · 2020-09-06T19:07:34+00:00

if you are in an abusive relationship, you probably have a history of trauma and abuse in your childhood and.or have been manipulated and gaslighted by your abuser into normalising it. those people are reaching out because they need unbiased confirmation that they are not crazy, that their instinct that has been dulled by the gaslighting of their abuser and society at large is actually right. they are essentially looking for permission to stand up for themselves, and as obvious and exasperating as it seems to us, we should always try and be supportive.

Karthasis11 · 2020-09-06T17:28:17+00:00

I think in a lot of cases those people know deep down what they have to do. And I actually have to give the reddit people some credit, most of the time people are pretty much giving the advice "get out" for the cases you stated above.

Therefore I think a lot of people who seek advice, are looking for validation and encouragement to change their situation. If it helps, it is a win in my book. Sadly, there are so many people out there, who are still blind to the behaviour of their abusers and don't even ask those questions.

I think seeking advice, is the first step to taking back their lives.

Mmmurl · 2020-09-06T19:50:55+00:00

Gas lighting is a common feature of abuse and it really does a number on your ability to gauge the severity of your situation. It is extremely difficult to convince yourself that somebody you love, somebody who loves you, is going out of their way to harm you. Especially when you trust that person completely and they are taking advantage of that.

It's hard to imagine but it's not like you go out, meet a gigantic red flag of a human being and go hey that's the guy for me! Think of somebody you already love and trust 100%. Now imagine that tomorrow they call you to tell you how upset they are about something you said, something you don't remember saying. You apologise as best you can because there is no question of whether or not you said that. They have no reason to lie about it, they love you right?

Abuse builds up slowly until you are in a place where they have convinced you that your perspective is warped - you are overreacting and unreasonable. He didn't lie, you "never fucking listen, he never said that." You didn't catch him cheating, you "went through his phone you paranoid psycho." He didn't do something to upset you, you "overreacted like you do with everything. Stop being such a bitch all the time."

These women are the victims of systematic abuse and can no longer see how horrible their partner's behaviour is, even when they are typing out the words "and then he choked my dog and threatened to kill me" and it is so hard to get out of. All we can do is show some empathy, tell them to get to safety and hope they hear us.

__kamikaze__ · 2020-09-06T17:36:33+00:00

Love is blind, sometimes people are so deep into these relationships they can’t tell right from wrong. It’s even worse when gaslighting is involved.

Another aspect to consider is denial, it’s hard to accept the truth when you don’t want it to be true...

Verysoftbun · 2020-09-06T17:41:15+00:00

I used to be that way too so I don't think it's trolling.

Tbh I can't understand why or explain it now other than dopamine addiction and trauma bonding/falling for his future faking.

I think I just thought if I stayed around long enough he would change and I just needed to wait for that time to come.

LevelTurbulent · 2020-09-06T22:17:05+00:00

My husband was a big gaslighter. I was literally diagnosed as mentally ill and medicated over it. Doctors helped him abuse me. If I fought back on anything I had literal medical professionals telling me I was wrong and paranoid and this was my illness and I was looking at being locked up if I didn't accept "reality." That's really how bad it can get.

I was actually right. My paranoia was completely founded. But how was I supposed to trust myself when doctors were advising me not to?

My best friend was also in an abusive marriage and also diagnosed (bipolar) and medicated to make her stop being "the problem." This happens to women a lot more often than most people realize.

rinabean · 2020-09-06T20:12:31+00:00

It's the "kick the cat" thing. These women don't want to leave their men. Why would they? They're winning, they have men! (You've probably noticed that any suggestion that abuse is unacceptable gets you labelled "jealous", right?) They probably have some of his money too, it's not just about status.

You have to suffer alongside them, but you don't have any of the benefits. After realising this I don't give more than one chance. Sounding it out once is fine, needing prolonged practical/legal help with a plan to leave is fine, but the constant complaining? No.

It's not about having low self esteem and being abused in childhood. That's the kind of woman who plays free therapist with these vampires, though. (I used to do it...)

If they're looking for prolonged "support", they are at best consciously using you and, if you're single, simultaneously judging you. At worst, they're trying to drag you down to their level out of spite and envy. Throw the lifering and let them take it if they want it.

TropicalPrairie · 2020-09-07T00:21:35+00:00

I think it's more nuanced than that. Knowing myself and some situations I've been in, I knew things were red-flags but I needed confirmation from others because I just didn't have the confidence or self-esteem to stand up for myself. Having people confirm with you that you deserve better can help one initiate the action.

blerty567 · 2020-09-07T04:15:17+00:00

Sometimes people need to hear someone else saying “leave him he’s abusive” in order to justify leaving. And sometimes these people don’t have family or friends to open up to without judgment so internet strangers are their only option.

Also- some people have been treated like shit their whole lives and literally don’t know that it’s not normal to be abused. Or that certain things even count as abuse.

Don’t be so quick to judge

PersonalBuy0 · 2020-09-07T06:19:27+00:00

Never underestimate the power of a shitty childhood. Those people need support and gentle guidance.

nycgirlhere · 2020-09-06T19:25:29+00:00

Honestly I have been in extremely toxic relationships with NVM and stayed with them and not even sure if their behavior was enough to leave because in the end I “loved” them!

2020-09-06T23:06:56+00:00

Because they clearly don’t know better and it’s unfortunate but they need women to tell them, that the situation they’re in is crazy. I mean we’ve cringed thinking about the ex we wouldn’t leave ( pre-FDS) and I feel that some of these women are in that stage. It’s unfortunate but, I personally don’t mind it.

ExistentialStevie · 2020-09-06T21:17:16+00:00

Everyone’s on a different journey and path of learning. What clicks for you right now doesn’t mean it will for everyone else at the same time. What you see so clearly right now to YOU doesn’t mean someone else can see it too. What takes someone a week could mean years for others. Sucks but that’s how it is.

2020-09-07T16:33:13+00:00

it's denial. i have been guilty of doing this myself years ago (long before FDS existed officially online).

as someone who wrote about an abusive ex bf's behavior at the time, it was all my own denial. it was the point just before accepting this is the way it is. when you're in this desperate agonizing state you think "is this normal? am i crazy? he's mistreating me but i can't do anything about it! help. if i get opinions from other people they could maybe help me with him....ahhh".

then after you receive all of the comments saying xyz, and you've read through them about 20 times, you slowly start to know what you gotta do: leave. excuse yourself from the situation. block and delete.

i now see others doing similar things. sometimes they just need to simply write about it to process it, even if it comes across as excusing the abusive male. writing these relationship help posts is mostly about processing trauma imho.

2020-09-06T23:08:41+00:00

Same. It’s hard for me to read.

Noemie_Mathilde · 2020-09-07T04:15:38+00:00

Where are the requests for advice coming from?

Proud-Purpose · 2020-09-07T15:07:09+00:00

Selection bias. Women who are active on "general reddit" have to be doormats.

Title	Why do people post questions/ask for advice on relationships that are clearly red flags?
Author	munissa
Upvotes	122
Comments	36
Date	September 6, 2020 4:53 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/inpfr4/why_do_people_post_questionsask_for_advice_on/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/why-do-people-post-questionsask-for-advice-on.211291 https://theredarchive.com/post/211291

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