Women and Caregiving

MsWriteNow07 · 2022-02-09T02:53:36+00:00

This is exactly why I said if I am not married by a certain point in my 30s, I’m not marrying a man unless his parents are already dead/he’s rich. The first time I watched Sex and the City that’s what struck me the most. Miranda hadn’t been married to Steve a year yet, and there she was bathing his elderly mother with Alzheimer’s. I fucking refuse! You don’t just have to watch out for guys wanting you to be the nurse and purse for them, a lot of men get married when they’re in their late 30s/early 40s so you can be the caretaker for their parents, who you just met. Not today, Satan. Just no.

Catz10000 · 2022-02-09T03:37:30+00:00

Story time:

My mother has terminal cancer. She broke no contact to demand my single brother and I accompany her to the official appointment where she was told her prognosis. Our other brother is provinces away and has 2 kids.

During our year of no contact, I battled an earlier stage of the exact same cancer. She dismissed me when I told her, and accused me of making it up. Wasn't with me for any surgeries or treatment. I caved and stayed with her at her home with my 2 kids to keep an eye on her at great inconvenience to me and my boys. I was still recovering. She screamed at me for two days and kept me up all of the last night telling me how she was only doing treatment for my single brother, and how I should be the terminal one, not her. Nevermind my kids need their mom.

It was eye opening. I knew I was the scapegoat and my other brother the Golden Child, but I never saw before how much she hated and resented me. Resented that MY children love me more than her. Resented how I was thriving despite my family abandoning me. Resented my strength.

I told her then that her flying monkeys could earn their inheritance and that I want nothing from her (because she already told us that I was cut out of a large part). No contact since and I am happier for it. Haven't looked back.

In those moments when she wished I were dying instead of her, something snapped inside of me. I used to love my mother. That's when I stopped.

If I ever treated my kids the way she did, I would hope they would have the sense to abandon me too. Until you have walked in my shoes and grown up with a mother who resented and hated you, then judge. I have zero guilt. You reap what you sow.

daisy_0720 · 2022-02-09T05:21:46+00:00

Caretaking is also an incredibly physically demanding job. Men are actually better equipped for it because they're physically stronger and can more easily help an infirm parent into a bathtub/bed, etc, so it's even more disgusting that women are expected to do this.

Japanese_Lasagna · 2022-02-09T06:35:16+00:00

I’m never wiping anyone’s ass other than my own. I have no brothers and am the responsible child, so my parents already know I’m the only one they can rely on. I keep trying to push my parents to make certain choices to be able to remain independent as long as possible in my life. I’m already planning for the financial costs of caregiving.

millennialpink2000 · 2022-02-08T22:44:47+00:00

That's one macabre benefit of having shitty parents. I will happily leave them in a rest home or by the side of the road. Good riddance

melympia · 2022-02-09T00:01:14+00:00

Amazing how this shit always falls to the woman though. Isn’t it enough that we do almost all the damn childcare already?? We have to add elderly parents on top of it even when there are other male family members who could do it or at least pitch in

No, it's not enough. Because the fact you did all that childcare means you're qUaLiFiEd to care for your elderly parents, too. Besides, you're (most likely) not the provider for your family / you and your husband if you did the childcare thing because, well, you earn less because of the childcare you provided.

Although, working in elderly care/outpatient care (although mostly the first - young people are rare as patients - and most often only with us temporarily because they get better eventually), I see a number of couples where the husband is the one taking care of his wife and only has minor help by professionals. Come to think of it - I've met about as many couples where the man was the caretaker for his wife as the other way round - although that might be coincidence. Still interesting. However, it's more often the daughters or even nieces and DILs helping out elderly parents/aunts/uncles/in-laws than sons helping out their parents. (For "minor" things like providing meals, doing the grocery shopping and helping with doctor's appointments - where I'm from, children hardly ever care for totally incapacitated parents.)

katiekat0214 · 2022-02-08T22:30:46+00:00

I was a nurse and a purse with Jack, and his care got more and more and more demanding. I was extraordinarily lucky to have his/our best friend, plus our housekeeper, who became chosen family. I do not know what I would have done without these two women! There was one point in time that we hired a friend of our housekeeper a couple of days a week, since I simply had to stay late at school and run off papers and/or grade/record, so there were THREE helpers, two paid. That's some middle class privilege right there.

I was kicked out of a caregiver group on Facebook. A college friend invited me; she was a newish widow, and knew that I was about to be the same. These women were just UGH, total martyrs. One day, Jack had a bathroom accident, and I posted/vented that I was just utterly relieved not to have to clean it up, relieved to have help, relieved I could just take some time for me. And I was VILIFIED. Cue all the harrumphing, all the accusations, all the "you're not a REAL caregiver unless you do EVERY SINGLE THING BY YOURSELF WITH NO HELP WHATSOEVER".

I noped out hard, and told them all off first.

SolunaJune · 2022-02-09T18:16:10+00:00

I title this, "A vent":

My mother had a stroke last November. I've been saddled with getting her to physical therapy and doctor's appointments. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom and she would sacrifice for me, which is the only reason why I have done everything I have.

My dad has been a piece of shit during most of this. He bailed on her and me while she was in the hospital. He went back to work like life was normal. Didn't assist in anything. He only showed up for a half hour in the evenings. She was out of her mind, brain swelling, etc, and she was always looking for him and it broke my heart.

I've had many arguments with my dad about him helping out. For instance, at this point, she only had 3 more weeks of physical/speech therapy to go. I asked him if he could just take a couple days off over the next three weeks to take my mom to a couple of her appointments. All of sudden, because he is now being inconvenienced, he decides she doesn't need all these appointments, so he tries to cancel 90% of her remaining appointments - just so he doesn't have to take her. And he left scathing voicemails to her therapists. Thankfully, the staff knew something was up and talked to me before they did anything or returned his calls. Now they know he is an selfish imbecile.

Also, understand that he gets 4 weeks of front-loaded PTO at the beginning of the year to use as he pleases. I get nothing, my job is shitty and I don't earn any PTO, so if I take time off I don't get paid. He can't even alleviate my financial burden and help out. At this point, I just absolutely fucking lost it. I finally had it. I called My brother and he ended up talking to him, and now he taking the two days off. Also, my brother doesn't want to disrupt his pretty little life to help out with his parents. He has assisted with some things, but that was mostly his wife being a decent person and helping out. And he flips money, but what I needed at the worst time was a break, and no one was there to help me have a break.

All of this, along with past trauma from these people, made me call to set up an appointment with a therapist for the first time in my life. I'm finally at my breaking point. And because I am going to need some help and coping skills to deal with my family when I tell them I am not going to be there anymore. I am not going to be a caretaker, I won't sacrifice like this ever again. I won't let my parents inabilities to take care of themselves and their health cause me to have to give up the rest of my life.

They're both diabetics, have high blood pressure, cholesterol, etc. And they don't have a healthy diet or exercise. They eat so much sugar and carbs, and sit in front the of the TV all day. I shouldn't have to pay with my peace, time, and life because they won't care about themselves like the rest of us adults have to.

Fiebre · 2022-02-09T15:27:22+00:00

Where I live it's normal for parents to help their children buy an apartment (if they can). It's super common that parents buy one for their son (he needs to provide for his family!) and nothing for the daughter and expect her to take care of them. Ideally she should live at her husband's place. And then it's also fairly common that when the parents die, their place ALSO goes to the son.

PenelopePitstop21 · 2022-02-09T11:06:38+00:00

I do feel some sympathy for the women you mention. It is the worst, most limiting existence: a narrow, unrelentingly horrible life. Disclosure: I am the full time carer for my mom (90s), with no middle class privilege so it is just me (husband helps) full time.

However LV women regularly trauma dump over everyone who can't get away fast enough. In their younger days it is more likely they want to bond over their terrible relationships with LV men, then as they get older it is about parenting with their horrible partners/husbands, before finally it is about caring for their parents/in laws. The theme changes but the behavior remains the same. Your response can be the same too: grey rock if you can't avoid LV people.

HV women will develop a support network, and although they may mention caring for their elderly relatives to coworkers and others (just as they may mention boyfriends/husbands/kids), they don't inflict their horrible lives on everybody they meet.

What I would say is that if you are a HV daughter of parents with whom you keep in touch, help your healthy parents to financially plan for incapacity in later life. Also plan for your own: the insurance I took out against accident and sickness in my 20s meant my mortgage was paid in full when the unexpected happened in my late 30s. We should all hope for the best but planning for the worst can give extra peace of mind.

Secondly, as an HVW, when trouble comes your way get help and advice from trusted friends/family/professionals, not coworkers or acquaintances.

Finally, as an HV woman, have a little compassion if another woman unexpectedly vomits up her troubles over you. You can assert your own boundaries firmly, but doing so with grace and tact is as easy as doing it with judgement and disapproval. We all get overwhelmed sometimes. An HV woman who is caring for elderly relatives is still HV, and could become a valued older friend.

tzijo · 2022-02-09T19:21:25+00:00

It’s only going to get worse considering the population is going skew older, these people are not prepared for retirement and that there’s no governmental social safety net. The safety net is women.

Title	Women and Caregiving
Author	InspectorGadget07
Upvotes	246
Comments	31
Date	February 8, 2022 10:24 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/snwp8l/women_and_caregiving/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/women-and-caregiving.1101690 https://theredarchive.com/post/1101690

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