Recurring Pattern That Concerns Me

DanG3 · 2016-01-12T15:15:17+00:00

Once you TRUELY internalize that YOU are The Prize (for all/any woman) it gets easier ... "Didn't you see her checking out my ass? I thought I would return the favor."

"Yes dear, please do check out other guys to see how good you have it."

cholomite · 2016-01-12T16:37:12+00:00

First, you need to understand and accept that your wife checks out guys all the time too, she just hamsters it away as "oh I was just admiring his belt" or his hair, or his shirt or something non-sexual, but she checks out guys just like you check out girls, maybe a little less though because guys are more visual. Anyways, everyone checks out members of the opposite sex, it's nothing to be ashamed or feel guilty about. You're a man, you like sexy ladies, own that shit. This is just a shit test. Nothing more. A&A.

"You were checking out that girls ass?":

You weren't?
Yea, and her tits too.
Yea, I was trying to make out what her tramp stamp was.

Whatever it is, just accept that it's natural and own it with a joke. The more you apologize and try to shy away or divert that you like to look at attract girls, the less your wife will try to please you. You're on her leash. Do you really think your wife would leave you for an even more beta guy who openly refuses to check out other girls? Fuck no, she would leave your for a degrading shallow man pig, and you'll just be another poor sap posting on relationships about how you did everything right but she left you for an asshole. Stop backing down, apologizing and defending yourself.

The reason she gets so pissed is that it shows her that you're not totally under her thumb and she has to actually put in effort to keep you happy. That's what you want. This is just super low level dread. Keep it up and stop backing down. Also, remember again that your wife would totally check out a hot shirtless channing Tatum if she could.

stonepimpletilists · 2016-01-12T16:35:13+00:00

God is not allowing us to have children- b/c he knows our marriage is just going to end"

It's never about the nail

I agree it was disrespectful to look at her ass with you right there

And no it's not you pussy. You're a man, you look at ass, fucking sue me. this is shitty boundary enforcement.

She wants to leave you? Great, don't hit your door on the way out. Here's what all the RP guys have said, in one form or another.

The next time you threaten divorce, I will follow through.

Adults do not threaten each other, adults resolve things. Now here's the thing, if you have a lot of examples of you having shitty boundaries, she will call you on it, and now you're stuck... what do?

Follow through. Personally, I'd lead with that one, but a lot of guys aren't able to start with the big stuff... fine. Start enforcing your boundaries. you have three tools, affection, attention, and commitment. Remove them when she's shitty, add them back when she's not.

I'm all up for a good AM/AA/fog, but in this case, she's a fucking harpy who is used to a passive bitch that buckles when she acts a cunt, and requires a headshake. Consider the above statement-lite:

the next time you start mouthing off like a child, I'm outta here and leave for a weekend. don't say where, leave your phone at home, and don't ever say where you went. She beats on you because you take it, and she doesn't get hit back.

Up to you, be a punching bag, and bullshit your ego into thinking its OI and frame, or stand up for yourself, and actually have OI and frame. She can act as cunty as she wants, I wanted to go skidooing for a couple days anyways.

EDIT: Until you establish you are not to be taken for granted, you're going to continue to be a punching bag. Nut up

Archwinger · 2016-01-12T17:08:19+00:00

I always act like it's not a thing at all.

"Were you checking out that woman?"

"Yeah, you don't think she's pretty?"

It usually stops there, but if she goes on with some snide remark about how I shouldn't or how she feels disrespected, I just follow up with: "I'm married, not gay." If she pushes again, I end with, "Okay, you got me. I'm totally gay and was checking out her shoes."

RPAlternate42 · 2016-01-12T15:29:49+00:00

Use more fogging and more amusing AA.

Most nonsense my wife comes to me with I fog with, "I know right?" Or "it makes you wonder huh?"... Just general answers that sound like they agree but don't actually agree to anything. Fogging done right should be like a magic 8 ball: all the answers fit all questions, but they all agree somehow.

Your AA needs to be more playful. Yours tries but ends bluntly. If she says she is going to start lookin at guys (which she already does anyways) I would say "Awesome, get his girlfriends number too. Swinging sounds fun!" Or "be safe, make him wear a condom!" Make your answers more amplified... more ridiculous to drive home the point that what she is saying is just fucking crazy.

bogeyd6 · 2016-01-12T15:51:25+00:00

Surprisingly no one has pointed out the obvious.

you're such a pig, no other guy I ever was with did this etc...

What she means: How dare my beta think he can be a real man!!!!

You managed to hamster the past to also be your future. Increase your smv, work out your nice guy thing, and once she starts respecting you. The poor attitude will be replaced with dread. Once she believes that you will be able to pull a .7 hip ratio, then these will give way to comfort tests.

whinemoreplease · 2016-01-12T18:52:07+00:00

Get the divorce papers.

Why are you going out of your way to show that you have no follow through?

Why are you giving her reasons to think you can't handle your shit?

Whether you go through with it or not is different, but right now, she absolutely thinks that you're too much of a bitch to actually leave her - hence why she can get away with being a cunt.

/u/stonepimpletilist is right. somehow you think that checking out hot women is wrong and somehow your wife can browbeat you into agreeing.

https://donalgraeme.wordpress.com/2014/10/09/driving-the-delay/

Countpudyoola · 2016-01-12T15:31:51+00:00

I'm a total ass man. Boobs are really take or leave , they should just be proportional and not weird.

If you just aren't up to saying some variation of: "I'm alive, I like asses, I am happy with your sweet one as well, hon."

You could go with Bill Burr's twist I heard in a recent podcast (can't believe I actually found it. )

Paraphase he says if she catches you checking out another women a good thing to try is immediately say "Look at that, I think you could pull those/that outfit off better".

IASGame · 2016-01-12T15:46:08+00:00

Also "I'm going to check out other dudes" Step 1. "I do it all the time! Good fun." Step 2. Spot nice guy asses before she does. Step 3. Point them out to her.

Vzuv · 2016-01-12T16:19:37+00:00

I think treating this as just a shit test is a bad idea. There is an element of shit test wrapped up over a comfort test, here.

The comfort test is security. It's likely that she associates you checking out other women with you checking out your options, readying to leave her, things like that.

The shit test is whether or not you'll comply with her throwing a temper tantrum every time you do something she doesn't like and change your behavior due to her insecurity.

To solve this, you have to address each of the tests on their individual levels.

The comfort test has to be addressed first. Let her know that when you check out other women it's because you're a man, and men find things look attractive - it's not because you're scouting your options and it's not because you're disrespecting her - it's just because you see something that catches your eye and you can appreciate it from afar.

There is, of course, the underlying insecurity that still has to probably be addressed, but that probably takes awhile.

The shit test is her temper tantrum throwing. In my opinion, you're doing nothing wrong by checking out an attractive woman - so long as you're not being overt/ridiculous about it, leering, making lewd comments or gestures, or something like that. Rather than apologizing and supplicating her shitty behavior, you need to let her know that's the way you are, and her throwing a temper tantrum about it is unacceptable. If she's going to be that way, though, that's her problem - let her do it and go on her way.

IASGame · 2016-01-12T15:44:02+00:00

"With the RP internalization that I have now - I would have immediately gotten rid of her the first time she showed these signs - but I did not so here we are."

Better late than ever. You don't have kids yet? Great.

Massive, massive red flag on the "I think this is the reason God is not allowing us to have children- b/c he knows our marriage is just going to end".

What are her green flags that make you want to put up with this, and how bad a financial hit will you take if you divorce? Even if you think it through properly and don't want to divorce, get the papers to see if showing her the next time she pull up that bullshit you can get rid of that behavior.

She sounds rather Low Self-Esteem so maybe Sepean can contribute some good suggestions.

innominating · 2016-01-12T18:10:37+00:00

I would - almost on cue - enter her frame , DEER and then ultimately apologize. I look back at what I did then and wince. These "blowups" don't happen often ( when they do they are always during shark week) but occur enough to give me concern.

You still do. You just did.

You told your wife that you disrespected her by checking out that woman with her nearby.

Do you believe you disrespected her? If you do, then stop checking out women with her nearby. If you don't, then stop being such a fucking pussy, own your shit, stop DEERing, and stop telling your wife what she wants to hear.

I read somewhere that the SMV imbalance between you and your SO will determine what she will allow you to get away with. One of the lowest levels is allowing you to check out other women. If your wife thought that your SMV much greater than hers, she wouldn't throw such a fit about this. Do you lift? Have you ran a MAP?

Regardless of your SMV, it will require you handling one of her fits without turning totally BETA. Which you just did.

Also, your wife is manipulating with divorce. Get papers ready and the next time she pulls this shit hand her the papers. DGAF.

youcantdenythat · 2016-01-12T18:45:22+00:00

Fix your frame:

You are a man.
You are entitled to look at whatever you want.
It's funny that she thinks you are not.
It's funny that she thinks she should can be so disrespectful of those facts.
She is lucky to have someone so forgiving.
Since you don't have kids, why the fuck are you putting up with this shit?
I would seriously think twice about having kids with her, or even fucking her without protection. If there were kids in the picture, these situations will be 1000 times worse. She has shown some pretty serious red flags.

FearDearg2015 · 2016-01-12T20:56:59+00:00

I think this is the reason God is not allowing us to have children- b/c he knows our marriage is just going to end

Wow, they really have no filter. They just jump straight to the fucking kick to the balls when they want to shut something down. Statements like this one she said can really fuck up your frame control. She might as well have kicked you in the balls. You just looked at someone's ass: how the fuck does that escalate into what she said? I'll tell you how : because you allowed it. What she said was totally bitchy, and irrational, and uncalled for. Kids and teenagers do that shit all the time. My toddler told me he was "not my son anymore" the other day. That gave me some lolz. With him (or any little kid), I don't need to think at all about whether they really meant what they said. I'm not sure if you can relate to this but if you do have an intuitive understanding of this concept, then try to put your wife into the same category when it comes to shit she says. She's blowing shit way out of proportion. So far out that it's funny to read as an outsider. Like how it was funny when my own kid was threatening to emancipate himself.

Instead of trying to argue against her, or find some clever witty thing to say at the right moment, just concentrate on having fun with her. Even when she is being a bitch. Maybe especially when she is being a bitch.

Sadbeary · 2016-01-13T00:21:54+00:00

"You'd prefer I looked at guys? Of course I look, I'm human." When she denies looking at guys make a sport of picking out good looking guys..."what about him? he has nice guns...check out the ass!" If she admits it and you want to escalate, embarrass her by telling the guy "hey champ my wife says you have a nice ass"...she'll likely me mortified and you'll be laughing.

"Were your other guys gay?"

Stop taking your wife's insanity seriously. Once you can just laugh it off life becomes a lot easier.

Redneck001 · 2016-01-12T15:07:44+00:00

You're a man. A .7 waist to hip ratio walks by, you're going to look.

Wife gives you shit for looking at a woman? A&A it.

Then she says, "I'm going to start checking out dudes."

OK, shrug, walk off. She already checks out other dudes, what do you care?

How are you handling them? You're DEERing and in your wife's frame. Don't do that.

Your non apology was weak, IMO. Your wife call you out for looking at another woman? Truly DGAF.

As far as her back pain, that's legitimate. I wouldn't pick her up and risk hurting her back. Wild guess, but she's overweight, isn't she? Lead her better.

You gonna walk around on eggshells, afraid of where your wife sees you looking? Or you gonna man up, not GAF about her pissy demeanor and inferiority complex in the presence of younger, hotter women? It's not your problem.

druganswer · 2016-01-12T18:18:41+00:00

Don't let it be serious. Expecting a serious response from her leads it to being serious. This can't be the only thing this pertains to... if you were fine in every other place she wouldn't be like this on this one subject.

I get caught doing this now and I get call outs that are jokes. "I SAW THAT!!!" with lots of smiling...

So to begin:

We get out to the truck and she begins escalating the situation; " you're such a pig, no other guy I ever was with did this etc..." Then she ends with " I think this is the reason God is not allowing us to have children- b/c he knows our marriage is just going to end

"I bet you're just better at noticing it now"

"LOL god is mad at me for checking out her ass now? and he thinks it's punishable to the point of not giving us children?"

Please be a bit more dismissive to her bullshit, jesus.

At that point I respond with " well lets end it then - show me the papers" She's says " its your responsibility as the man to make it happen"

Stop suggesting divorce. You're the leader here.

Later she comes down and says " I'm going to start checking out guys then - we both can play the game" " You're such a disrespectful pig" I respond with " I agree it was disrespectful to look at her ass with you right there - I own up to it and will do better in the future" She's like " that not an apology" I respond with " end of discussion"

LOL massive frame break. So you DIVE into her frame and then you try to be a man and say "end of discussion"?? it doesn't work like that. It's natural to check out attractive people. When she threatens to check out guys tell her to go right ahead. This should amuse you, not worry you. Make a joke about it please... And don't apologize for checking out some girls ass and DEER yourself right into her frame. It wasn't fucking disrespectful... your wife needs to get over her insecurities. She knows a nice butt when she sees one... maybe she should hit the squat rack.

Yesterday passes with neither of us talking to each other

HOLY FUCK... stop it with this bullshit. Do you want continuous petty fights like this? talk to her like normal... if she keeps acting like a baby make fun of her for it... if she STILL won't give in, just go on about your day and DGAF. Not all butthurt and "cold shouldering" her.

run over and pick her up ( something I do regularly when she's a bitch- that 9 X out of 10 will deescalate and make her laugh)

Your words and your actions don't align. I like the "good luck" type vibe when she says she'll find a new guy, but then this action seems a bit validation seeking. Can't tell for sure without being in the room.

An hour later she txts " my back is now fucked up - thnx a lot"

LOL.. there are a lot of ways you could respond to this (or just ignore) but she seems like she's asking to be put in her place.

"no problem, anytime"

"you're welcome"

"if you weren't such a brat i wouldn't have to beat you like this" (I think this would be more funny in a live setting... would probably suggest NOT to ever jokingly admit to DV over text message... but this would be perfect flirting if you're 100% not worried about your wife throwing you to the cops... but AWALT)

Anyway your main problem is that you're squarely in her frame and you take her way too seriously.

MRPguy · 2016-01-12T15:36:03+00:00

Too much talking and not enough fucking around with your wife. Laugh about all of it. Don't get serious and apologize. She wants to be married to a Man. Tease her, poke her, etc.

The one great thing that comes from all of this is you are making her feel emotions. Now you have to swing it back the other way and make her feel happy and satisfied. These swings will make your marriage last.

cj_aubrey · 2016-01-12T18:14:18+00:00

I used to have a lot of similar experiences with my wife.

mediamole · 2016-01-12T18:23:49+00:00

I never lie because I don't fear anyone. You only lie when you're afraid. —John Gotti

Never lie about looking at a beautiful woman. Never apologize for it. In moderation, it's not disrespectful and she should be taking notes on your taste.

It's hard for me to know whether she's driven by lack of self-esteem, a power play or something else. There's a lot of advice here on how to deal with her, although she certainly seems like a cunt from your description.

MrFuckupKing · 2016-01-13T02:38:40+00:00

A woman is designed by her very nature to emasculate a man (own his balls) but the more she can do this the less she actually feels attraction to him because it is not owning his balls that creates the attraction.

Any man in a LTR lives between these two contradictory impluses (emotional needs) in women.

To be in a LTR with a woman is to walk the edge of a razor that can slice you in half if you make a misstep. Makes for interesting experiences IMO

You checking out women in front of her in her eyes is mainly about you disrespecting her. In women speak what this means is she fears appearing to others that you do not respect her by what you can do in front of her when you are in public.

She would be less pissed if it was only you, the other woman and her and no one else but she would still be pissed because she is still competing with that other woman as being superior to her and this is more so if she thinks or fears that other woman knows it. (the other woman is aware of your attention)

If the woman was across the street and you glanced at her with no risk to your wife publicly being shamed or personally as the other woman being superior to her she would feel less threatened so not feel disrespected to the same degree.

Besides the enjoyment of looking at women, looking can be used to instill dread that helps keep your balls where they belong.

Between your legs and not in her pocket.

When she is on the rag she feels ugly so running dread is to risk that dread blowing up in your face. This is when you look without being obvious or getting caught.

This is using common sense and does not imply being weak as acting emasculated.

Why play russian roulette just to prove you are a man with balls?

A mans sexuality to stay at its best needs to be fed by being highly aware of the women in the world.

IMO it is a mistake to give this up for any one woman but at the same time common sense dictates that antagonizing a woman you are in a LTR when doing so works at cross purposes to your ultimate goal is not in your best interest.

Keep your sexuality alive and your balls between your legs but protect your wife unless doing so emasculates you in your eyes or hers

AgainstTheHerd · 2016-01-13T13:03:51+00:00

[permanently deleted]

jacowezo · 2016-01-13T21:22:34+00:00

You're such a disrespectful pig"

Of course I am.

Title	Recurring Pattern That Concerns Me
Author	AgainstTheHerd
Upvotes	12
Comments	78
Date	January 12, 2016 2:52 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/40mpja/recurring_pattern_that_concerns_me/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/recurring-pattern-that-concerns-me.200482 https://theredarchive.com/post/200482

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