What do you think

slipkid223 · 2022-01-03T14:15:16+00:00

GET A COURT ORDER. Any "agreement" will not be worth the paper it is not written unless you get a court order.

If things go south (and they will) she will bring out all sorts of accusations against you. Don't trust her. As harsh as that sounds she will screw you down the road.

OldEgalitarianMRA · 2022-01-03T13:52:42+00:00

What about when she meets another man, possibly from another city and wants to re-marry and move? Or say you get a girlfriend and your ex doesn't like it?

Whatever temporary arrangement will be cast in stone when you finally do hire an attorney. Hire one now. This kind of thing often goes wrong and ends up in court.

Get two different attorneys, one for you and one for her to avoid conflicts of interest.

eggpudding389 · 2022-01-03T12:36:01+00:00

How old is the kid. And yes. It’s been 4 years. Never filed. And my daughters hate me now. Unless they want money. Then they are nice.

I got fired and had to move back with my mother and they hate my mother.

I have never been able to recover from it. I see them maybe twice a month at her house. For a few hours.

thingpaint · 2022-01-03T16:28:47+00:00

Best case; you get a court order that you don't really follow because you're both reasonable adults and everything works out fine.

Worse case: you don't get a court order and never see your kid again.

I see 0 reason not to get one.

klokwerkz · 2022-01-03T17:00:53+00:00

ALWAYS GET A COURT ORDER

elebrin · 2022-01-03T18:10:53+00:00

You need to be talking to a lawyer, not Reddit.

LIFO_the_Party_1 · 2022-01-03T17:04:35+00:00

Always get a court order otherwise you will get screwed

John_Savage69 · 2022-01-03T19:00:02+00:00

Hire lawyer. Seriously. That phrase is so overused, but here it is entirely appropriate.

AndyBrown65 · 2022-01-03T13:23:22+00:00

You are now just a financial transaction to her.

Her having more custody works in her favour as it hurts you emotionally, and financially. Read a few posts down, some guy gives all the hints re separation.

Get some agreement, in writing first. Include some contingency as well. Also remember when you physically assaulted her so badly she couldn't see out of one eye? You don't? Well that's the story that will soon get around. When you write up an agreement, try to get something in there out you are both good parents, you have never hit each other etc I know it sounds minor, but if you can get her to covertly sign something now when things are relatively good, then if she turns around and lies to get more custody time, then you can try to use it to show her character in court. Just a thought.

grahamcookiefart · 2022-01-03T18:10:54+00:00

Child of divorce here; don't let anything be done without legal steps - if she has clear and genuine intentions she will not be offended that you want to document your agreement in a binding way. In my case the custodian made us absolutely hate the coparent by smearing their reputation and making us miserable, it was too late when we realized that the custodian was abusive, but coparent didn't have any documents to claim us. Have aaaall your ducks in a row, and respectful people will cooperate.

Hefty_Ant1025 · 2022-01-03T19:13:30+00:00

Get a lawyer before you do anything.

Regenclan · 2022-01-03T16:53:28+00:00

There really isn't enough information to give advice Where you live is a huge thing, do both of you work, what kind of custody arrangements are you looking at? In general go for 50/50 custody court ordered

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2022-01-03T21:16:09+00:00

If you are newly separated, please heed this advice. 4 months out, here are my biggest regrets and the best things I've learned.
Hello, if you are newly separated I highly suggest you heed this advice. When my wife dropped the bomb that "she didn't love me anymore and couldn't be a mom anymore" 4 months ago, I was absolutely devastated, and I'm still dealing with the mental injuries. After 9 years together and having a kid together, I never saw it coming.
You may be like I was, reading Divorce subs and having a thousand epiphanies a minute about your relationship, but not taking it into action. I had all the knowledge to minimize the damage of this traumatic divorce, but I did not put it into use, because I felt like my relationship was different. I thought my wife could never do the things I was reading about.
Well I was damn wrong, and I hope you don't make the dozens of mistakes I have during the divorce process. Before we begin, let me say of course I am no relationship expert and I am far from perfect, but I've made 1000 mistakes and from that I've learned a lot. I am going to share it with you in hopes you don't make the same mistakes, these are of course just my opinions, good luck!
First let me explain the concept of the unicorn. The unicorn is the woman who simply realizes after many years of marriage that she and her husband are just not a good match, they both have changed, and that she wants to end her marriage in a way that is least hurtful to her partner while she pursues life as a responsible single woman.
Unicorns exist, but your wife is not a unicorn. Do not let her fool you into thinking she's a damn unicorn!
Lesson #1: If she says she's fallen out of love with you, she has met someone who she is interested in enough to end her marriage over them. Yes, even though she says she just wants to be single. Don't blame yourself, she is employing "the grass is always greener on the other side" fallacy. The sooner you accept this, the less it will sting when you discover her new partner/fling. The best quote I've read regarding monkey branching is "One day she will have the same resentment towards him that she had for you, no exception. He will fart, and she will groan."
Lesson #2: Once you're separated, her gloves are off. Get your umbrella because it's raining lies! She will lie without remorse, take everything she says with a grain of salt. In fact, the best thing you can do is limit contact with her as much as possible. The best way to handle a lie is to not hear it at all. She is not your friend or confidant anymore, the sooner you accept that the better.
Lesson #3: Document EVERYTHING! Record every voice chat/phone call, take pictures/video of every item taken out of the house, and get security cameras. I don't care if she is the sweetest angel and is ready to sign every divorce agreement, remember #2! Prepare yourself for the possibility of court no matter how confident you are that you won't end up there.
Lesson #4: Do not play the pick me dance, it has worked for exactly 0 people. If you want to reconcile, offer marriage counseling, have a discussion with her, etc whatever feels most applicable to you in your situation. If those do not work the first time, LET HER GO! Don't break down to her, don't try to manipulate her, the best thing you can do is let her go. Love is given, not negotiated. Never forget this: The harder you pursue her, the faster she will run away.
Lesson #5: Lawyer up, now! Even if you believe your divorce will be amicable, having a lawyer to make sure everything is filed properly is a must. Getting it done as quickly and favorably as possible is key.
Thanks for reading and I hope these lessons will help you make the best of your separation. All things get better with time, best of luck!

Primarch_1 · 2022-01-03T22:21:53+00:00

Make sure you get a family court attorney, family court is it's own beast and there is a huge amount of knowing the people to get what you want.

2close2home · 2022-01-03T21:41:58+00:00

Don’t settle for anything less than 50/50. Welcome to Hell, buddy.

Pz5 · 2022-01-03T19:56:27+00:00

I would consult with a lawyer

anoncitizen4 · 2022-01-03T20:06:35+00:00

Make it clear in writing or via text or email what kind of custody arrangement you want and if she is agreeable to it start it. Most states are becoming more progressive with joint / Co parenting arrangements. Unless there are other factors involved ( no abuse etc) if you go to the trouble of getting a lawyer and going to court you will get at least 50/50 custody. And definitely get your own lawyer if you can afford it, even if you plan on making arrangements out of court.

xander011 · 2022-01-03T20:23:05+00:00

Be very careful what you put online, it can be easily used against you.

croatoan34 · 2022-01-03T20:27:52+00:00

Courrrrrrt

psiursus · 2022-01-04T00:12:05+00:00

Co-parenting sucks, and there are more stories of suffering than success. Plus in interviews and reports the kids usually know or can tell or it has long term effects at the lack of a positive environment. It sucks, but from what i've seen (a stranger on the internet) a lot of couples who split up and find happiness in other relationships often do better. Take care of yourself first.

mantools · 2022-01-04T00:18:23+00:00

Talk to a lawyer and assume she's at least a step ahead of you... which means she's likely talked to an attorney and has been told that this stuff varies widely state by state, but one thing that's pretty universal is that without a custody/parenting time order from the court either parent can just take the kid and there's nothing the other parent can do about it. The upside is that typically once a filing has been made with the court, the current arrangement must be maintained until the court makes a decision.

SodyPops17 · 2022-01-04T04:20:55+00:00

Unfortunately, this is inevitable (speaking from ALOT of experience). File for a court date and get your time locked in. Move on with your life and make sure you devote some time to your kids.

Nightwynd · 2022-01-04T06:04:05+00:00

Depends on what country, laws, etc. I had a successful divorce here in Canada that was amicable. I'm in a very distinct small minority though.

Have a separation agreement written, signed and notarized. Spell out EXACTLY how you're handling child care splits, financial aid, etc. Be detailed. The court ideally should be looking out for the best interest of the child, and your separation agreement should be reflective of that. This process is a lot harder if lawyers are involved, but this is what mediation should get you to: a place where neither side is happy, but both are in agreement.

Document everything. EVERYTHING. If lawyers are involved, keep them involved.

Good luck. It's hard, but you're not alone.

Hunter_Este · 2022-01-04T00:01:03+00:00

get a lawyer now, do not tell her you are getting a lawyer. Draft up a 50/50 shared custody agreement, then bring her to court and get a judge to sign off and enforce it. This will protect your rights. The clock is ticket, you must out maneuver, outthink, and outmuscle her. Get every advantage you can. It's only a matter of time before she flips on you.

Ok_Razzmatazz_1751 · 2022-01-03T22:09:02+00:00

You need to be contacting an attorney and finding out if your state does automatic 50/50 joint custody. The person with the attorney first has the upper hand in the divorce situation because any divorce attorney hired after you initiated anything it'll be considered contested automatically. The other party will have to pay more for Representation , so you need to go ahead and get your attorney now. Most states are doing 50/50 when I went through my divorce I let my ex have the kids when he pretty much wanted to , until we got the parenting plans set in place, we went to mediation one time ,got the plan set in place ,and the divorce was done less than $2,500 and completed in less than 8 months. Pretty simple process. Especially if you all can agree on the parenting plan. However in the South you have to be separated for three full months before you can even file for divorce if you have kids because a lawyer told me that it was a way of trying to keep families intact because it gives people a cooling off period. People usually reconciliate in that time.

ideology_checker · 2022-01-04T00:37:33+00:00

The problem is you may have just as much issue with a court order as no court order as without one assuming your listed as the father you have as much right as she does to custody. Whereas if the court gets involved then it will just be then stating a ratio of custody each parent gets but the situation doesn't really change because what will limit your ability to see your child isn't those court orders or lack of one but the enforcement of your parental rights and sadly you are unlikely to do well in that regard as while the courts certainly favor mothers over fathers, social services and police do so even worse. I've heard far to many stories of courts siding equitably in custody with the fathers but the mothers ignoring said court orders and those court orders are never enforced against the mothers.

Your best bet is to stay as friendly with your ex as possible and be as accommodating as you can so as not to give a reason for animosity because if you start fighting over the children there is little chance you will hold your own let alone win.

mattman0441 · 2022-01-04T01:05:06+00:00

Get a lawyer and a solid separation agreement with custody agreement. This will most likely will end in divorce and you need to protect yourself now.

PrepP3 · 2022-01-04T02:15:54+00:00

If she's being cooperative Get her to agree to 50/50 custody and whatever else you guys can agree on and get it in a court order. You can get a lawyer to type it up and have the judge make it an order if you both agree. That's your BEST option. Otherwise there is a very high likely hood you will get screwed

WeEatBabies · 2022-01-03T19:23:23+00:00

Get it in writing and signed, and if you're still unsure, lawyer up.

Also, go to the police station now, tell them you are in middle of a separation and your ex. is threatening to file a false police report of domestic violence.

And tell them she is controlling.

This will be useful if when she does!

FPSzero · 2022-01-05T09:59:41+00:00

Court order! Lawyer up. She can use that shit against you you need to protect yourself.

ThePigmanAgain · 2022-01-03T20:39:25+00:00

● Posts with titles that do not indicate what the post is about or use a clickbait format may be removed, or reposted by moderators.

Title	What do you think
Author	grizz3782
Upvotes	248
Comments	82
Date	January 3, 2022 12:32 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/rv0p7o/what_do_you_think/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/what-do-you-think.1094934 https://theredarchive.com/post/1094934

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