Changes post “I do”

Lift_and_Lurk · 2024-04-22T14:11:34+00:00

“Some guys” stop doing the romantic things (flowers/dates/talking just to hear her/telling her how pretty she is) or start letting themselves go (more beer and wings, less exercise)

And: although I’m sure it does happen to some dudes, way more often you hear of women in LTRs then marriage doing more stuff and wilder stuff now that they have a committed relationship.

It’s really not hard to tell if a girl doesn’t like giving blowjobs before hand anyways- just like anything, the “quality of the work” comes out with the effort shown. Figure it out BEFORE you spend 2 months salary on a ring!

Dense-Tell-6147 · 2024-04-22T17:16:57+00:00

I’ll bite. Leery ladies won’t believe me, but I am one of the many men fully sharing household and child rearing duties with my wife. We made a point of discussing every minutiæ to make sure there is no incomprehension about one side doing too much. Cleared the field from revenges (“you don’t clean? No bj for you”), things between us have evolved in the years we’ve been together. At the beginning it was everything, everywhere at any time, until groin pain made it unpleasant. I can’t remember the number of times I was yelled “get a room”, or the equivalent in another language. Fast forward 15 years and two kids later… things got less wild, but we’ve talked about it (again, we never leave things unsaid), and it’s just how the thing evolved. Giving her an hour of extra sleep while making breakfast and entertaining the kids, or giving me one hour to pursue a hobby of mine while taking the kids to the library has taken the place of other kinds of favors. Intimacy is always paramount, it might just become a little less centerstage as other things come into play.

RatchedAngle · 2024-04-22T14:10:21+00:00

Cleaning.

You go to his apartment when you first start dating and it’s spotless (because he wants to make a good impression).

You get married and suddenly he doesn’t “understand” how to clean a toilet.

Windmill_flowers · 2024-04-22T14:35:02+00:00

There aren't as many boomer jokes regarding men changing immediately after the wedding

MistyMaisel · 2024-04-22T16:29:43+00:00

I mean:

-Cleaning

-Taking care of himself

-Running his own life like an adult

-Being a pleasant sexual partner

-Romantic gestures.

If you want the worst of it, abusers especially of religious backgrounds wait for the ring to go on before they start throwing hands and words. Super typical story. Totally throws a wrench in the whole "just choose better" concept.

literaryhogwartian · 2024-04-22T14:34:26+00:00

By formally committing we simply became more committed. Everything just got better and better. We felt safe and happy together

relish5k · 2024-04-22T17:54:24+00:00

The bigger difference is post baby vs post "I do." So much changes post-baby because your dynamic is now a triad vs a dyad, so everyone has to re-invent their roles, responsibilities and obligations. Like any organizational re-org, it is generally not a seamless process.

januaryphilosopher · 2024-04-22T14:42:18+00:00

Some might stop giving oral too but I'd say in both cases it's a minority and just a stereotype. I have known of a few cases where abuse started after a wedding or having a baby though as your partner is somewhat trapped. Thankfully also a minority.

Slipthe · 2024-04-22T15:34:11+00:00

Kids are the reason for 90% of it.

Don't have kids unless you are ready to throw a live grenade in your relationship.

EulenWatcher · 2024-04-22T14:57:15+00:00

Romance, quality time, household chores and organizational stuff. There are enough stories about men stopping putting any efforts into their relationships once they think their partner won't go anywhere. No dates, no gifts, inability (a lack of desire really) to organize a family weekend, forgetting where common household items are or what food kids eat etc.

These things, including changes in sex life, aren't something that happen strictly after the wedding though. If they're bound to happen, you'll see them long before the rings and white dress unless you're waiting till marriage and you don't cohabitate together. Hence while cohabitating and "testing the water" are so important prior the marriage.

These things are also tied together. A woman might not feel like putting extra effort and "rocking his world", because she feels unappreciated, there's no intimacy between them and/or she's exhausted being the only one managing the household. It can be true vice versa as well with some changes in reasoning for a man.

Also some changes are reasonable depending on the context. Lower sex frequency as well as less dates and nights out are expected, when you have a small child or especially several young kids. Temporary dry spells due to one's partner's job, stress or health also happen and you should be ready for that. I'm not saying that it's okay to stop having sex ever, but there will be times where the frequency is lower than desirable due to objective reasons. The same goes to romance.

LittleRainSiaoYu · 2024-04-22T14:06:24+00:00

I mean with guys it's more just being less simpy/romantic and also stuff like getting fat (that admittedly women do too).

obviousredflag · 2024-04-22T14:39:12+00:00

As a man, you know if she gives blowjobs because she does mate retention or if she does it because she is crazy for dick. Don't marry a woman who only does the former. The married women in my group of friends are crazy for dick and suck their husbands off in the bathroom, while we are on a social gathering/party, when they can't go without a dick in their mouth any longer.

Men here always go on about how men are not picky at all, and then complain when they get the results for not being picky. If you want to get blowjobs from a woman who is crazy about sucking your dick, maybe start having standards and don't marry just about anyone.

As for men, same thing regarding mate retention tactics. Once they regard their partner as "safe" they stop or reduce the effort and resources they put into benefit-provisioning mate retention tactics, on average.

That's a mouthful you might think, but that's also what your wife should regularly have on her mind.

<image>

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/263375282_Husband's_Esteem_Predicts_His_Mate_Retention_Tactics

Oral sex as mate retention behavior

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886913000810

https://link.springer.com/referenceworkentry/10.1007/978-3-319-19650-3_143

https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2014-48700-016 (women performing oral sex as mate retention)

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886915003232 (Women higher in personality traits of agreeableness and conscientiousness suck you off more frequently and for longer as part of their mate retention behavior)

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Safinated · 2024-04-22T17:01:40+00:00

The equivalent is becoming a child or monster after the baby comes out, moving countries, signing a lease, quitting a job, marriage, moving in, “I love you”, etc

marmotjacket · 2024-04-22T17:06:34+00:00

Some women actually like giving head

The exes of mine that went for it without asking and then “took care of the clean up” would have done it after marriage, unless they were trying to manipulate me

wtknight · 2024-04-22T17:16:26+00:00

I was wondering what the male equivalent is here. Do men stop doing something comparable after the wedding?

No. Because most men don’t want the consequences of divorce.

Men may stop being romantic to a woman after a while. But that’s not a marriage thing. It’s more a “tired of having sex with you age don’t like your personality enough” thing.

SlowEffective8146 · 2024-04-22T14:04:36+00:00

I don't see why a man would ever get married, I mean keeping a forever girlfriend would just avoid this situation completely. She'd still suck your dick because she'd be waiting for that ring lmao

DapperDan1929 · 2024-04-22T16:55:54+00:00

Men stop changing their underwear lol

Title	Changes post “I do”
Author	VertumnusOV
Upvotes	0
Comments	59
Date	April 22, 2024 2:02 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1cabkzy/changes_post_i_do/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/changes-post-i-do.1516010 https://theredarchive.com/post/1516010

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Oral sex as mate retention behavior