Are sexual needs a mutual obligation?

literaryhogwartian · 2024-05-02T15:07:36+00:00

If sex becomes an obligation or a responsibility it stops being fun and romantic.

From an old married lady

Gravel_Roads · 2024-05-02T15:09:43+00:00

Even as a bisexual man, if I had a partner that just expected me to give him handjobs on command, I would not stay with him for long.

Why is his desire for a handjob more important than my desire to not be treated like a fancy fleshlight that exists only to satisfy his urges. Especially since he doesn’t care about mine.

EulenWatcher · 2024-05-02T15:26:45+00:00

You should care about your partner’s needs and it has to be reciprocated. When one party feels wronged or underappreciated for some reason, they might stop putting efforts as a result. It works this way both for men and women.

A lack of sex and a lack of romance or fair chores/childcare division are common complaints in LTRs. You can’t really solve them by yourself, you need your partner to cooperate. Hence communication and actually putting efforts to improve are important.

Excusing cheating, because a man didn’t get any from his wife, makes as much sense as excusing cheating on her part, because he stopped planning dates. Neither thing is a reason to cheat. If you’re unfulfilled to the degree that you’re looking to get it from someone else, it’s a good indicator that you should break up. Plus, cheaters will use anything as an excuse. I wouldn’t trust their word or take their excuses seriously to start with.

On a side note, viewing both sex and romance as an obligation or responsibility is rather depressing. Ideally you want to do these things for your partner and you enjoy doing them or at least you want to do them to make them happy.

Dense-Tell-6147 · 2024-05-02T15:16:51+00:00

They are not. You can't force them on someone who doesn't want, full stop.

They may well be a good reason to part ways, though.

RubyDiscus · 2024-05-02T15:18:42+00:00

When you have low liibdo, the last thing you want to do is something sexual.

What are your thoughts on the mentality behind a partner’s sexually needs not being the other partners at least partial responsibility?

If theres sexual incompatibility and the unsatisfied party can't take care of it own their own and 1 partner is unhappy, just leave.

It's toxic and unfair to expect 1 partner to have to service the other all the time.

Whoreasaurus_Rex · 2024-05-02T15:40:03+00:00

Back when I was very young and naive, I lived with a guy who expected (and received) a blowjob every day when he came home from work. Sex almost every night, too.

He still cheated on me.

Zabadoodude · 2024-05-02T15:43:32+00:00

Most men would not be ok with an unenthusiastic 2 minute hand job. I know I wouldn't be. Having the low libido partner force themselves to give a pity hand job is only going to make them more repulsed by sex, and make their partner feel even less loved and desired.

I would say making a serious effort to meet your partner's sexual needs is an obligation of everyone in a relationship. That shouldn't mean gritting your teeth and forcing yourself, but rather trying to find ways to get yourself in the mood. Do you need a romantic evening and a bottle of wine to get there? Then make the effort to plan it. You are constantly stressed at work? Can you downsize and take a leas stressful job? Pain? Maybe you can do a sensual massage and oral. Nothing works? See a doctor maybe it's a medical issue.

Good_Result2787 · 2024-05-02T15:04:22+00:00

I think two sexual people with libidos who are in a relationship should be considerate of each other's sexual needs--within reason of course. Yes, I think I have a responsibility to my partner's sexual needs and yes, I think she would be sad and disappointed if I was not considerate of them. I think if the relationship is mismatched to such a degree that one party doesn't care at all, they both need different partners.

untamed-italian · 2024-05-02T15:58:35+00:00

Respecting needs is a baseline requirement for a healthy relationship, but that can mean breaking up instead of clinging to sexual incompatibility.

Cethlinnstooth · 2024-05-02T15:44:13+00:00

Sex that is enjoyed by both binds the emotional bond tighter.

Sex that isn't being enjoyed by both breaks and loosens the emotional bond...even more so if it is sex that is demanded.

soulangelic · 2024-05-02T15:55:42+00:00

You’d seriously be satisfied with a two-minute pity handjob? At that point just do it yourself.

Sex or sexual activity isn’t supposed to be an obligation that you do out of pity for your partner; it’s supposed to be mutually and enthusiastically enjoyed by both parties. Maybe it won’t be the best sex you’ve ever had EVERY time, but it should at least be fun.

bluestjuice · 2024-05-02T16:38:04+00:00

The language and emotions surrounding sex are more fraught than a lot of other topics, but fundamentally the ongoing sexual needs or ‘dead bedroom’ problem is the same problem that arises anytime a couple experiences the situation where one person’s interest or abilities shifts significantly from where it was in the early part of the relationship.

This actually happens a lot, right? In your 20s you loved to go dancing at nightclubs every weekend but in your 30s, with kids, that’s not your scene anymore. You used to love sleeping until noon but along comes an intense interest in early-morning fishing and now your behavior shifts. You used to play WoW with a crew several hours every night, but now you prefer to meet friends for in-person tabletop RP sessions twice a week. You joined a roller derby group. You fell in love with lifting and now have an involved gym routine. You start going back to church and now your Sunday mornings are all spoken for. You get fibromyalgia and don’t feel well enough to life the active lifestyle you enjoyed in your 20s as much. You start working a new career that has you working 12-hour shifts and have to drop out of a hobby group that doesn’t work with your schedule anymore. You become diabetic and cut eating sweets out of your lifestyle.

Anything like this that arises over time will impact a long-term partner because it can change the activities you do together, your availability to do those things, and your interest in doing them. Sometimes these sorts of changes happen organically in a way that both people are basically okay with, but not always. When dealing with mismatched desires and expectations, there are times when the appropriate solution is for one person to make time purposefully for the thing that is significant and meaningful for the other, and there are times when the changes in lifestyle, priorities, or desires become dealbreakers and the relationship has to end, and there are times when getting creative and finding alternative solutions is the right choice (particularly if the relationship overall is mutually satisfying in most ways and neither person wants it to end).

Spicy_take · 2024-05-02T15:39:41+00:00

On the one hand, no one is in the mood all the time. But there's a pretty wide gap between wanting sex but not getting it, and having your needs neglected. Like yes, I would happily receive a bj every day. I don't feel like I need anything but a couple of times a week, minimum. There's also something to be said about doing the continuous bare minimum, and how that stacks up over time.

All that being said, yes, it is your obligation to make sure your parnter’s needs are met in a monogamous relationship. You voluntarily forsake your pursuit of other sexual partners when you enter a relationship, with the promise that they’ll meet those needs. As long as they’re holding up their end of the bargain, you should hold up yours. And if you actively feel like it’s an obligation more than half of the time, you should probably start looking into why that is.

wtknight · 2024-05-02T17:16:43+00:00

I’d help out my wife if she suddenly needed her sexual needs fulfilled even if I wasn’t in the mood. I’d hope that she would do the same, although this situation has never come up. I’m not a very high libido guy.

If the other person is actually physically ill then I think that it’s a different story. I get headaches too.

RosieBarb · 2024-05-02T15:01:03+00:00

2 minute handjob??? Do you guys really think it takes two minutes?

MistyMaisel · 2024-05-03T00:56:16+00:00

Giving a hand job when you don't want to give a hand job is gross, degrading, soulless, and damages the relationship and the sexual connection because it treats my body as a masturbation tool. You want a pocket pussy, get one. Don't treat us like because we agreed to exclusive relationship we're you're dirty socks. The fact men would want a joyless unsexy handjob is so monumentally gross I can't even begin.

Sexual need is a bullshit concept invented by people who are cool with one sided sex. I'm not. Sex happens when both people are enthusiastic, healthy, and connected. It's a byproduct of a relationship which is good, not a participation prize.

Go spank it or get her in the mood.

superlurkage · 2024-05-02T15:03:59+00:00

If it’s just about “sexual release”, why is her hand any better/worse than yours?

And if women think that affection isn’t tied to sex, they need to be explicitly corrected. They’re just being inconsiderate and bad partners if they don’t understand that love is the result of sex, not the other way around. Romance is about sex, not feelings

You should break up/divorce instead of cheating, so they understand this; they might think it’s about feelings when it’s really about sex

mrs_seng · 2024-05-02T15:06:48+00:00

It's not a 2 min handjob. It's tens of minutes of work and then he wants enthusiasm and for you to undress and wants to touch a book or grab your ass and it's going on and on, doing something you didn't want to in the first place.

If you're happy with a 2 min wank while i can scroll on my phone and not pay any attention, i have no problem.

ArmariumEspata · 2024-05-02T15:13:42+00:00

Why are you presupposing that men “need” sex but women only “need” emotional fulfillment? I agree that men shouldn’t ignore their wife’s sexual and emotional needs and vice versa, but why assume that these needs are strictly for one gender?

BoomTheBear86 · 2024-05-02T16:00:05+00:00

I think it’s more helpful to view it more generally as “in a relationship there is an implicit assumption you will try to take the time to work out and attend your partners needs where you can, and they yours.” Be it sex or otherwise.

This bizarre notion that “this thing you’re telling me is a need, isn’t important to me in my opinion so I have no obligation to it.” Is a recipe for singledom.

It’s all about reasonable compromise and mutually ongoing respect between partners. If you have the mindset “nobody ever even has the right to suggest what I should or shouldn’t do” then like, don’t be with another person formally? The whole point of relationships is to try and build some kind of cooperative existence is it not? It’s not just a case of engaging in some parallel play with a nearby person whose form of parallel play happens to fit rather well with yours, so sometimes by chance you interact with each other whilst pursuing your individual aims.

I’ve been married 10 years: me and my wife give ground all the time where we’ve worked out we’re okay to, and worked out the situations where we can’t do that. Compromise. It seems to a very dead art.

meisterkraus · 2024-05-02T20:02:58+00:00

Sexual intimacy is one of the pillars to a romantic relationship. If you refuse to work on keeping that pillar strong you don't get to complain when you no longer have a romantic relationship. Just like trust or communication.

Dankutoo · 2024-05-02T21:49:09+00:00

On some level, yes, it is a mutual obligation (assuming everything else is more or less in order). That doesn't mean you have to say 'yes' every time...but you probably should at least once in a while.

fucksiclepizza · 2024-05-02T22:19:52+00:00

Nah, sex is a 2 yesses arrangement in my marriage. If either of us isn't keen then the other can go rub one out no problem. I don't want a duty hand job, easier to just do it myself. Lucky for me she has the higher drive at the mo and has no issues taking care of herself if I'm not in the mood or too tired or whatever.

Legitimate_Type_1324 · 2024-05-02T15:57:22+00:00

Yes. It is.

If you think it isn't, fine. Don't come crying when they find someone else

claratheresa · 2024-05-02T15:11:32+00:00

Men will do nearly anything to avoid 2 minutes of unpaid labor, but women are the issue

Objective_Ad_6265 · 2024-05-02T16:45:08+00:00

I believe it is. I would never refuse in relationship, I belong to him and he has automatic consent. But maybe that's because I'm never not in the mood if I love him. I would really have to be seriously sick or after a surgery or something so it would make me actually not in the mood. But if I love someone I can't imagine not wanting to do it.

ExternalBarracuda292 · 2024-05-02T16:02:46+00:00

I'm a believer that you should usually try to accommodate your partner's needs when it comes to sex. Obviously there can be exceptions, like if you're sick / in pain / whatever, but if it's just "eh I kinda don't feel like it" you should probably try to do it anyway. This doesn't mean you shouldn't take no for an answer, but I'd say it should generally be understood that yes is the correct response in most situations. This probably sounds enormously non-PC, but there's just good science behind it. Your body is, of course, wired to make you want as much sex as often as possible, so even if you aren't super into the idea at the start, you usually will be after a few minutes. There's generally a lot of talk about libidos these days, but the science generally shows that your sex drive is almost totally dependent on how often you have sex rather than anything innate, so a low sex drive can be gradually overcome by simply having sex more often. Sex is enormously beneficial to a relationship in many ways. The chemicals released during sex cause a strong feeling of emotional bonding, and they even have health benefits as well, and conversely almost nothing is more damaging to a relationship than if someone feels that their partner doesn't care about their needs. Of course, this is no way gender-specific and is not limited only to whether to have sex or not. A guy who doesn't pay any attention to his girlfriend's pleasure is just as bad as a girlfriend who never wants to have sex (in fact, they're probably dating each other!). I'm also a very firm believer that people who complain about their partner never wanting to have sex almost certainly need to look inwards as well, because it's almost never exclusively one person's fault.

McTitty3000 · 2024-05-02T19:13:54+00:00

My wife and I have a free use dynamic in our household, so we agreed yes

LoopyPro · 2024-05-02T15:27:15+00:00

Everyone has their own love language. Not expressing your partner's preferred love language to them will simply lead to them not feeling loved. For example: if you feel loved by your partner if they talk to you or spend quality time with you, it wouldn't feel great if they stopped doing that. Long term "neglect" will damage the relationship. In that sense, talking and spending time could be regarded as an emotional "need" to maintain the romantic relationship.

Sex and physical intimacy is just another type love language, but more commonly found in men. If a man's love language is primarily sex and intimacy, withholding it will ultimately cause him to stop reciprocate and stop cater to your emotional needs, causing the relationship to deteriorate.

Denying anyone's emotional "needs" that are required to make the relationship work will not solve any issues, but rather create them.

DreaminInChocolate · 2024-05-02T21:33:59+00:00

There should never be an obligation to have sex. Who really wants sex with a partner that's not into it? Not wanting regular sex is a sign that your relationship has other problems that need addressed.

Ok-Dust-4156 · 2024-05-02T17:41:03+00:00

There's no obligation, but if my wife decided that she won't have sex with me out of nowhere then she'll find herself divorced sooner than later.

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e20241 · 2024-05-02T16:23:55+00:00

But I never understand when a woman in a committed relationship insists that her husband/partner’s sexual needs aren’t her responsibility.

Many women want to talk a lot more than their male partners. They have a much higher need to connect emotionally. This may include him listening to stories that take forever to get to the point, or reassuring her repeatedly when she brings up "problems" ("do you love me? were you looking at that other girl? you never talk to me anymore").

Is it their husband's responsibility to talk as much as she wants him to, in order to satisfy that need for emotional connection?

AcephalicDude · 2024-05-02T16:24:58+00:00

I think men and women often disconnect in the sense that men see sex as a routine need for a physical release, whereas women need more emotional, contextual build-up towards sex. A lot of times a woman will turn down a man when he asks for sex because he hasn't done anything to establish the mood. It starts to feel unfair to women when, instead of reacting to the rejection by making the effort to gradually turn-on their partner, a man will instead bypass that effort by requesting "a quick handy" or something like that.

Of course, that's not entirely the man's fault either because he can't read minds and tell when a rejection means "I'm not there yet" or when it might mean "not today." It's really important to open the lines of communication and fully explain your needs.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2024-05-02T17:27:22+00:00

In a relationship, there is the expectation that you're going to be there for the other person in many different ways - emotionally, sexually, financially, etc. If you want that relationship to continue, then you should keep showing up for your partner in the ways they need you to be there for them. However, that doesn't always work out, sometimes you're just incompatible with each other. One partner is dealing with some health issue, and the other one can't be bothered to support them emotionally and physically (picking up the slack at home)? These two people aren't right for each other. One partner feels incredibly unhappy if they feel anchored somewhere for long periods of time but the other person hates travelling/constant moving? These two people aren't right for each other? One partner wants sex way more than the other partner and neither party is happy with some compromise? These two people aren't right for each other.

Not to say that these issues can never be resolved. You might be able to figure things out together by talking things through and finding a solution that works for both of you, maybe some couples counseling will help, or maybe you're just in a rough spot due to stress or health issues. But sometimes, it's a mismatch of personalities, libido, and needs/desires that is too much to overcome. If someone is unhappy with the amount of X they're getting in a relationship, they should talk to their partner about it. If it doesn't change, they should probably reconsider the relationship if the lack of X is that big of a dealbreaker for them. Sure, you entered into the relationship with the expectation that you would be getting this thing but if you're not, and the other person doesn't seem to be all that interested in giving it to you, you're either going to have to adjust your expectations or find someone who is willing to meet them.

nocomment758 · 2024-05-02T19:24:03+00:00

I think sex is an obligation man or woman but all that goes within reasonable limits. If they are sick or some kind of other thing that makes them stressed or particularly not in the mood that be reasonable. However, I have to say speaking for myself I viewed it as my duty because there have been times where a woman I was dating wanted to go for round 2 or 3 and I honestly didn't want to but forced myself. I didn't really enjoy it physically but the part where I was making her happy made it worth forcing myself again at least that's how I saw it.

Infinite_Street6298 · 2024-05-03T04:57:02+00:00

Not overtly, but I'm also not a fan of how lacking in any sense of "duty" people are towards each other and relationships. You look at relationship subs on reddit and any time someone is complaining that their partner has any expectation or desire, everyone is like "zomg what a control freak!! Dump them immediately!!"

One of my biggest issues with modern Western culture is run away individualism. No one puts their own personal wants and needs second to anything. You shouldn't feel forced or obligated to put out for your partner, in keeping with this topic, but, at the same time you should probably feel somewhat compelled just by genuine care and empathy for your partner to ensure they're sexually satisfied, even if you're not always on the same wavelength.

Massive_Extreme2910 · 2024-05-03T07:38:57+00:00

Eh. If I’m not into it.. I’m not going to do it. It’s not my responsibility. He can go jerk off if it’s that pressing. My body is not meant to be used like that.. and I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who thought otherwise.

Refusetosay12 · 2024-05-02T15:13:40+00:00

Sexual needs are not a mutual obligation. Talking about your sex life openly and honestly is.

YveisGrey · 2024-05-02T17:26:45+00:00

I don’t think giving your man an obligatory 2 min handjob would make him not cheat on you. Honestly if that’s all you’re doing he is probably better of jerking off.

full_brick_package · 2024-05-03T03:12:11+00:00

Don't expect monogamy with a partner with any libido and not take care of their needs. Period. It's not complicated.

Late-Insect-6852 · 2024-05-02T15:23:13+00:00

When men stop pretending to have the mental capacity of a toddler in order to get out of washing a dish or changing a diaper, maybe then I’ll start to feel sympathy over their wives not engaging in one-sided, lackluster sex with them.

januaryphilosopher · 2024-05-02T16:40:16+00:00

What's the big deal about giving yourself a hand job and not sexually harassing your wife? Is it really that terrible to do when you want sexual release? It is your own obligation to give yourself the sexual pleasure that you want, it's not someone else's responsibility to do it for you even if they like to sometimes.It's not their obligation to cater to your whims, it's something to do for fun. And before anyone says it, if I want an orgasm and my husband isn't interested I act like a big girl and use my hand.

nnuunn · 2024-05-02T15:53:05+00:00

There's a reason for the traditional Christian teaching of the marriage debt, when you have more sex, you want more sex. If you don't feel passion for your spouse, try having more sex and see if that fixes the problem.

AngeCruelle · 2024-05-02T15:56:01+00:00

According to my religious beliefs, yes. Respect, love for your partner, and not prioritizing your desire for sex over their wellbeing are also mutual obligations. One of the benefits of waiting until marriage is learning to master your sexual urges rather than be mastered by them.

GlamSunCrybabyMoon · 2024-05-02T16:52:11+00:00

No. It’s a really quick way to get your partner to hate you.

I think consideration is very important in relationships. Requiring sex from someone at any time YOU feel like is shitty. Because it shows that you don’t care about having good sex with a someone willing and enthusiastic, you just care about getting your rocks off. It’s a one way street (to nowhere)

Takeonehourly · 2024-05-02T19:16:13+00:00

If you actually care about your partner, you will attend to their needs.

So, yes.

Flightlessbirbz · 2024-05-02T19:47:52+00:00

I mean in that case, he may as well give himself the handjob. No idea what would be gained from having her do it if she doesn’t want to, sounds extremely depressing.

The issue comes down to the fact that sex shouldn’t be a “responsibility” at all. It’s supposed to be fun for both people. If it is a chore, then the couple needs to work on their relationship, either in or out of the bedroom depending on where the problem lies, and if it can’t be solved, go their separate ways.

A woman who has duty sex too often will develop an outright aversion to sex, and I would assume this could also happen to a man though it’s more rare. This is because sex isn’t the same as just another task you have to get done, it’s a very intimate and vulnerable thing. And when it’s not positive, tends to feel violating… in a way something like doing the dishes does not.

Soffie98 · 2024-05-03T14:17:37+00:00

When i thought my partners sexuell needs was all my responsibility and he should never have to use porn, or do stuff himself, I burned myself out and, if I am honest with myself, my libido is still recovering from that mindset. All sex became about his needs and to make him cum. That resulted in me never being in the mood myself, never having an orgasm myself, and in the end having problems becoming wet, and dreading the task it had come to be, especially since it had become painful to have sex. So I finally brought it up, and broke that mindset. It took me soooooo long to get horny again, but did not push myself to sex. It is a lot better now, and my partner is also happier, because now I actually want sex and have fun with it.

So if you actually want a partner to want sex an initiate it, don't make it their responsibility and make it a chore.

CalligrapherSimple39 · 2024-05-02T15:04:45+00:00

There isn't really any sexual need unless you want a baby.

Sexual energy is creative energy. But culture dictates man express this by ejaculation rather than creating something.

Sexual need = desire to create something..

Not saying anything wrong with sex, it's great. But it's definitely not a real need.

DrMantisToboggan1986 · 2024-05-03T09:19:38+00:00

Are a woman's rights to earn money, own property, own a bank account and get entitled to half their ex-husband's assets in a divorce a mutual obligation?

You answered your own question.

TermAggravating8043 · 2024-05-02T15:43:08+00:00

Sex.is.not.a.need

You will not die without it. It is an act 2 or more people do for pleasure and occasionally for procreation.

When you remember your partner is a human and not your own personal talking flesh light you do this thing most long term couples do which is communicating . Realistically, If sex isn’t happening very often the affection will have dried up too, you speak up your partner asking if everything is ok.

There is nothing that will dry a woman up quicker than a guy saying his dick needs attention

Title	Are sexual needs a mutual obligation?
Author	VertumnusOV
Upvotes	7
Comments	370
Date	May 2, 2024 2:59 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1ciht04/are_sexual_needs_a_mutual_obligation/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/are-sexual-needs-a-mutual-obligation.1517150 https://theredarchive.com/post/1517150

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