Something that I've learned slowly and painfully through my dealings with women is that when it comes to flirting, less can often be more.

I'm sure almost every guy has had the experience where they're vibing with a girl and everything seems to be going well but then they come along a little too strong and she completely shuts down on you. To most guys this seems utterly mysterious and inexplicable. How does a seemingly interested girl go dead on you when from a guy's perspective, you're giving her the sexual validation and attention she seemingly wants?

Here's my theory.

Most girls, even if they have a thing for sexually aggressive guys, don't respond well to overly direct sexual overtures. And there's several reasons why:

  1. Her ASD (anti-slut defense) gets triggered and she's worried that you think she's too easy. She'll most likely respond with LMR or a shit-test like "I'm not sleeping with you" when this is the case.

  2. She's not comfortable enough with you yet and gets creeped out. The difference is stark if you consider how a girl reacts to direct sexual overtures after she's slept with you. I've had it where girls will play the prude at some comment before you've slept with them and after they'll let you stick your hand down her pants in public. The difference is her comfort level.

  3. You're being too easy and you come across as needy or desperate. This is the attraction-killer.

I want to focus on the third one in particular, because I suspect this is the one guys have the hardest time wrapping their heads around.

The standard RP advice for men for establishing a sexual vibe and building attraction is to frame your sexual attention as the prize. Girls are used to guys chasing them sexually and if you can flip the script, you're in a very good position. The problem is, women are creatures of sexual tension so even if you've successfully flipped the script, if you dissipate the sexual tension too soon by coming on too strong - you ruin her fun. Most guys don't experience sexual tension as something fun, particularly guys who haven't experienced much success with women and get overly anxious about whether or not their sexual attraction is two-way.

The secret that many guys I suspect don't understand is this. The way women respond to direct romantic or sexual overtures is in direct relation to her investment level/buying temperature/attraction.

If she's already DTF or in love with you, you have six-lane highway levels of leeway. If she's on the fence about you, then you're walking a tightrope.

So what does a guy do when she's either come down from that peak of max attraction, or isn't there yet?

Enter indirect flirting.

The key thing with indirect flirting is ambiguity and plausible deniability. Ideally, you want a girl wondering whether or not you're actually into her, or are you just being nice, or she's overly horny and reading too much into things. This is the secret that Chads understand and chumps do not. Chads keep the power in the relationship by not letting the girl know for sure whether or not he's actually attracted to her and leaving her to guess and speculate.

A classic example is drop some piece of innocuous innuendo, let her respond to it, and then immediately change topic. Done right this will totally throw women, especially very attractive women, for a loop. It's like the matador pulling the red cape away. Now she's chasing you, and it's often more effective than whatever cocky prize-framing statement you dream up that women often see right through.

The trick is to be sparing with your attention, especially your sexual attention. Respond as little as possible to keep the conversation going and don't give her compliments unless she's worked for them. Be subtle and let your reactions to the things she says do the talking. If done right and/or she's interested, this will lead her to invest more in her interactions with you and get more forward. This is how you start a virtuous cycle of her working for your attention, earning it, and being rewarded with a hint of your desire for her, rather than a neon light billboard of it.

Now, why is this important?

This is how you build sexual tension and prime your woman to be more receptive to direct sexual overtures. Here the prize-framing is implicit and you don't have to risk looking desperate or needy. You can flirt from a psychological position of safety and strangely enough, women respond to it better as well. Why? Because her plausible deniability will be intact too.

Now, to be fair there is a time and place for direct sexual overtures. And that's when she's already attracted and dropping hints for you to make a move. A failure to do so, or not going far enough and she'll think you're a pussy that won't lead. But I suspect a lot of guys never get to that point with the girls they want and this is the reason why.

It's also important too for already established relationships. Especially in situations where she's gone cold and isn't responding well to sexual initiations anymore. This is likely because she has doubts about herself, the relationship and/or you. So you have to start at square one and seduce her all over again to rebuild the fire. A lot of guys struggle to do this consciously, which is why guys struggle with a dead bedroom situation where she isn't talking.

Now I'd hear to hear women's take on this as well because I think this is important for both genders. Having to reject a guy because he said something dumb and fucked everything up is a lose-lose. Best case you've both wasted your time and ruined what could have been a very good thing and for no better reason than male ignorance about what women want and respond to.

I know a lot of women have mixed reactions at best to guys learning how to flirt better because it means losers and creeps might have an easier time getting past her screens. But from the male perspective, I think men knowing how to flirt better will result in fewer guys getting misunderstood and women feeling less turned off and insecure around strange guys. Surely it's better for everyone if women have an easier time having positive reactions with new men rather than going back to the same old guys they used to date/bang because new guys can't help but trip over their own toes.

Discuss!