What is a good father?

onirroc · 2023-03-19T18:06:45+00:00

I'm a father of 3. We share parenting duties pretty evenly. We both work. Being a good father is all about teaching and nurturing them, instilling good values.

I teach my kids how to be self sufficient and independent and how to treat others and what kind of treatment they should want for themselves. I teach them how to handle failure and disappointment and be resilient. How do to handle their emotions.

I nurture their individual personalities and interests and traits and help them be the best they can be.

You don't need to breastfeed to do any of that.

AstronautLoveShack · 2023-03-19T18:47:37+00:00

A good father is a partner to the children’s mother, does his share of the child rearing duties, and is a positive male role model for his children. His sons will look to their father on how to be men, and his daughters will see him as the prototype for what their future boyfriends and husbands should be. He coaches little league, teaches them how to use tools and to fix a car and throw a ball and whatever other positive masculine traits you can think of.

A bad father does none of those things, or is often completely absent.

UnapologeticFoodSnob · 2023-03-19T19:39:11+00:00

Thankfully there's been a cultural shift and it's expected for men to be more involved with their children.

My father (generation X) used to work Monday to Friday and spend the entire weekend with his friends. He would watch a footy match and day drink. He even said 'I work hard, I'm entitled to this". As you can imagine I grew up not respecting him and barely see him as an adult.

But now it's very common for my male friends to be involved with their children. They play with them regularly and weekends are 'family time' where they go to the park, have a meal and spend quality time with everyone.

If this doesn't appeal to you, then you're not cut out to be a parent. No judgement, some humans aren't paternal or maternal.

januaryphilosopher · 2023-03-19T18:17:29+00:00

Someone who actually puts in the work to take care of his children and bother himself with them instead of seeing himself as a sperms donor or piggy bank (sir you are spending money to raise your own children). Which, yes, includes being in the house helping his family and, you know, parenting. If you don't want to parent, or indeed don't want to be a father, I have good news - you can choose not to have children.

howdoiw0rkthisthing · 2023-03-19T19:20:06+00:00

You know what the other side of this coin is right? The special closeness that mothers have to their children also comes with responsibility. A good father is one that simply exists in his kid’s presence and doesn’t hit them. But people have all sorts of opinions about what constitutes a good mother. Mommy might get all the hugs and kisses but she also gets them whether she wants them or not.

TermAggravating8043 · 2023-03-19T19:18:22+00:00

A good father respects the mother and offers his endless support. He takes his turn ALONE with his child, he bottle feeds (you can use a pump) he does his share of nappy changes without complaining. He understands his wife’s body has been basically through a train wreck and gives her the time/chance to heal, he does not expect her to have all the answers and works out his own methods on how to deal with situations with their baby.

Pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding are only tiny parts of being a parent

Birb-brained · 2023-03-19T19:04:52+00:00

My partner is an incredible father. It’s honestly about what you put into your relationship with your kids and their mother more than anything else. The more you put in, the more you’ll get out of being a parent, the closer you will feel to your children and them to you.

My partner was absolutely there for us from day 1 (and active and interested during pregnancy and birth too). Yes he got up at night, did the usual stuff like bathing, changing baby etc but most importantly he actually spent time interacting with our son from birth onwards. He took interest in his milestones, and maintained a close bond throughout. He’s arguably been not only just as important but more important to my son and me at times.

It’s absolutely about that relationship. Kids don’t look back and remember or care much about the tangible things you provided like money, meal preparation or bathing. Those core memories come from the bond you’ve built with them from knowing them as a person, and providing love and safe space for them to build their personalities. Mentoring and teaching them how to be good people in the world. You are a role model for a good man for both your sons and daughters. Be the man you want them to grow up to be or be with.

Katatonicsnake · 2023-03-19T19:40:57+00:00

A father can stay home if he wants, my dad did. I think a good father is active, even before pregnancy. He doesn’t expect the role to be hand fed to him.

I couldn’t make a child with a man who doesn’t want to stay home, or who doesn’t talk about parenthood well before any children exist.

The relationship between parents is a figurative home for their children. If he’s a horrible husband, he can’t be a good father. He can be divorced and a good father, though.

VividlyDissociating · 2023-03-20T04:00:07+00:00

you.. you do realize marriage doesn't mean you have to have kids, right??

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2023-03-20T07:07:55+00:00

I am married to one. He is my equal in parenting and his children adore him. We roughly share parenting duties, I always do the school run as he starts work before me but the rest we take in turns. He is in no way second fiddle to me.

His three older children have all chosen to live with us over their mother because he is a good and fair father who makes sure they have what they need feel supported and safe

just_a_place · 2023-03-20T17:37:35+00:00

My dad is a good father (according to me and my sisters) but a horrible "husband" (according to my mom).

His life experience has taught me that fatherhood is FUCKING HORRIBLE! It's a unique form of life-long torture where you get shit on by society in general, you get zero fucking respect, no appreciation, everything is expected of you, and your one and only fucking reason to get up in the morning (your family) can be taken away in thousands of little ways.

I have a uncle to commuted suicide because of that fucking shit. The wife was a complete bitch, took the kids and fucked over his life. And worst of all she is probably teaching the kids that he was a shit father!

I admit I really would love to have kids, I think I am at that age. But I just can't because it's the worst type of fucking hell imaginable for a man and worst of all is that it may not even be worth it for your kids themselves because for as much as the world will shit on you it will also screw with your kids and there is not a god damned fucking thing you can do about it as a man. You basically just set yourself up for a supreme kind of torture of the absolute worst kind: watching your own kids suffer as collateral damage for all the shit you yourself will have to go through.

There is absolutely no redeeming qualities in being a father other than the respect of your kids if even that! Cause some kids do end up either not giving a fuck about their dads or outright hating them.

Safinated · 2023-03-19T19:17:28+00:00

Gender roles are less strict nowadays. I’d say money or your partner are bigger obstacles than skill, desire or experience

DryOutcome3407 · 2023-03-19T18:35:26+00:00

Yes you as a father will be sperm donor and piggy bank. There's honestly not incentive for men to be a father, any value you try to pass to your children will be diluted by western society, be it by the future divorce, public education system or if you're rising a girl social media and feminism.

A good father will aways end up as a bad husband in the long run because it crash with what the mother envision to her children: safety, easy life, comfort and mental cuddling. While the father focuses on letting the kid explore, play, face danger, discomfort and setting boundaries and a sense of respect.

This basically means that the father to not be labeled as a bad husband and increase his chance of divorce will double himself between doing what he feels is right, making his wife happy and overworking himself. Most don't have the willpower for it and I don't blame them.

abaxeron · 2023-03-19T20:14:30+00:00

Father of 1. My kid quite recently reached the end of pre-school years, and interests in things that interest me as well skyrocketed. Today I bought a dried cotton stem to explain that our clothes, Q-tips, handkerchiefs, and bedsheets - are actually made from actual farmed flowers. After that, we tried to make a thread manually, and then compared it to industrially made thread under microscope. After that, I explained how to take off a T-shirt in one move. Yesterday we played checkers for the first time (yeah-yeah, I'm a terrible dad, should have started earlier). Prior to that, within the last couple years, I showed a "vortex trick", a "candle trick" (which was an excuse to also discuss fire hazard), and Cartezian diver. Also, my bad, a month ago or so I made a paper plane, and the kid ended up throwing it around and annoying everyone. I corrected my mistake and diverted the kid's interest to less destructive activity by making a paper helicopter on a stick.

Childhood is not limited to the first 6 months.

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Barneysparky · 2023-03-19T19:43:42+00:00

I think if you feel that way you won't be a good dad unless you really work towards becoming a good dad, including therapy. It's not enough to say you won't be like your dad.

A good dad is present and calm. A good dad shares things with their kids that those kids look back on with a really warm heart (fills them with love) even when the kids are old themselves and you are long gone.

lovelythecove · 2023-03-20T00:32:19+00:00

Newborns definitely prefer mom to dad, and dad to anyone else. They are born knowing mom’s movements, voice, smell. It doesn’t take long for infants to form a bond with mom and dad (and any other adults they are regularly around.)

As they get older, babies and toddlers generally just prefer their primary caregiver (which is typically mom but doesn’t have to be.) Toddlers also go through developmentally normal phases of parental preference where they aggressively prefer one parent for a while, then switch. This happens even if one parent is the primary parent.

Babies and young children bond through consistent caregiving. You must actively participate in caregiving for your children to bond with you.

Children and teens prefer the parent they mesh best with. Older children and teens will also naturally go through developmentally appropriate phases of seeking independence from their parents.

If you believe a young infant should equally prefer dad to mom, you simply gave a misunderstanding of biological normal behavior. If you’re worried about your kids not liking you, then you need to genuinely and equally share childcare responsibilities from the get-go with mom. In the very beginning, being a good dad means supporting the mother-infant dyad because yes, at birth, mom is the most important thing to baby, as baby doesn’t even conceptualize themselves as a separate entity from mom. But very quickly, being a good dad means consistently participating in caregiving and playing with your baby. If you bond with your baby, you don’t have to do extra work when they’re a toddler to make up for the lost time, because you just continue bonding and your toddler is already comfortable with you. And then your preschooler, your child, etc.

There’s not much unique to the caregiving required of mom vs. dad. Even breastfed babies can and do bond deeply with their fathers. It’s actually wild you think this somehow doesn’t happen. Do you believe formula fed babies don’t bond with either parent…? Or that babies with nannies don’t bond with their nanny? Or babies don’t bond with their grandparents?

MistyMaisel · 2023-03-20T02:02:06+00:00

In terms of like, the chores element, half of the job traditionally. It just tends to change as they age. You go from bottles and diapers to games, education, discipline, rides, etc.

If you mean what is unique. Fathers tend to be rougher in play which is good for children, more likely to be adventurous or risky, and also more likely to make children feel protected from the world. And also dampen the influence of the more naturally anxious and controlling mother elements.

For their sons, they model masculinity (as in, how to be a man and how a man treats women) and for their daughters, they model how men treat women and how they should expect a man to treat them. I believe there is emerging evidence that father's are associated with their children's ability to emotionally regulate.

I'd ultimately say, the job is what you make of it. If you wanna be a largely silent and uninvolved partner in your children's lives, you can. If you wanna be a very involved and participating caregiver and parent, you can. Me personally, I'd expect my children's father to be very involved in their care, playing with them, entertaining them, teaching them all sorts of things, modeling a good relationship and how you treat women. And what it is to be a good man independently, and so forth. And I'd say that's being a good dad.

I'd say being a bad father is being a silent partner or worse a dude who left to get cigs and never came back or even worse, someone who mistreats them and their mother.

GingerOverLoad · 2023-03-20T02:08:06+00:00

I am not a father, but I will say what I want to do as a father after some back story to drive my points home.

Some back story, my parents split when I was 2 years old. My father addicted to drugs and drinking, plus cheating. My mom took me to live with my great grandparents, and I lived 2 1/2 hours away from my dad. As I got a little older, my dad would get me once a month. My mom would drive me halfway, and we would meet in a McDonalds parking lot. My dad was loving with words and toys, but he didn't really give me a lot of time. His life outside of me was always more important. Along with being physically and mentally abused by my babysitter between the ages of 6-9 I was pretty fucked up. I was nothing short of obese for my age, and I was depressed. This all had a massive impact on me, obviously, and shapes who I am today. At 15, I stopped talking to my dad for 7 years. Mom still kept me up to date on his jail time and attempted suicides. I thought I hated the man until when I was 22. He popped back up in my life several years sober, and I decided to give him another shot. I am now 30, almost 31. I now have a good relationship with my dad, and we go on road trips every few months. This took a ton of effort on my part, but thankfully I had an Uncle(my aunt on my mom's side married him) that has been an amazing influence on me and I contribute a lot of my success to his guidance. He taught me how much of an impact a father figure can have on a person. It is because of him I was able to forgive my dad, though we never actually had a conversation about it, just him being so awesome as a father figure to me and seeing him raise his own children who are younger than me, he is close to 60 now as he was a late bloomer.

So on to what I want to do as a father if I ever become one, got to talk to girls, and go on dates for that to happen, lol. Actually, I asked a girl out for the first time this weekend, I've dated, but they just asked me out. Super excited, she seems really special.

All of these experiences made me realize something incredibly important. There is not a single thing in this world more important than the people you love and those who love you. I never prioritize my own fun and games over someone else. I am always present when i'm with someone else, I'm not thinking damn I wish I could be doing XYZ instead. As a father, I will be present, I will pass on all of my knowledge and make sure my child is able to break problems down and process them. To create a framework to face any obstacle as I have done for myself. To impart the undying belief that family comes first because I will love them more than anything or anyone. A person without goals is lost, and this world is overwhelming. So an example of what I am talking about, I intend to teach them to create goals no matter how small, then to break those goals down into a steps that allow them to walk through a plan and achieve thier goals. Building their confidence is key imo.

To my depression it took until I was 28 to get over the trauma of my babysitter. An example she used to call the house while I was there and tell me to answer it, her and her 15-year-old son would pretend to be the police, doctors, or ambulance. They would tell me my mother had died in the horrible ways possible, i.e., decapitation. I would absolutely break from this, and they would threaten to kill my mother if I said anything. This went on for 3 years, and they did so much more like sticking me outside in the middle of the summer with no food or water for hours. The pain and happiness I felt when my mom would pick me up crippled my emotions. It was the neighbor who ended up telling my mom what was going on.

I have really bad trust issues, and I will not send my child to babysitter for obvious reasons, but also I do not want to send my child away for other people to raise them. I pray to find a loving woman who is okay with being a stay at home mom. I work from home, and I make good money, and I am striving to make even more while not working more than 50 hours a week. As I said before I will be present no matter what. All of this I said because I want to fucking earn those #1 dad mugs like my life depends on it.

To all the dads playing video games or being an asshole while their child starves for their attention. Think to yourself: Why are those things more important to you than nuturing your child to be the best human being they can be?

Additionally, to be a good father, you need to take care of the mother and show what a great relationship looks like. Every morning as a father, I will prepare to lead and provide, to set an example of healthy relationships with my family and others so my child knows that their father is a good man and always does his best no matter what.

I believe these ideas make a good father, and I am still young, so I know I will find even more ways to improve if I ever become one.

I could go on, but I think most people won't want to read a book, lol.

IncelSlayer93 · 2023-03-20T05:10:02+00:00

If that's how you feel, don't get married and don't be a father. Reluctant & unwilling is a bad way to start.

How to be a good father? Be reliable. Be emotionally and physically strong. Protect your family. Make your kids feel safe. Always be there for them. Make sure your kids know they have someone to turn to if they feel scared. Show them how to maturely handle tough emotions like fear and anger. Show them how to be brave. Set an example for how to keep your cool. Set an example for how to maturely handle conflict. Show them how to develop self-discipline and work hard for their passions and goals. Throw a ball around. Play sports with them. Nurture their dreams and ambitions. Help toughen them up for the world. Provide for them. Show up to their baseball games and school plays, to let them know they matter. Teach them how to use tools. Teach them how to fix a car. Show them it's normal for men to cook and clean too, that all kids should learn those skills.

There's so much more beyond that. Shit, I can't even imagine that grown adult men here think there's nothing for fathers to give. What kind of LVM do we have?

I_DRINK_ANARCHY · 2023-03-20T05:33:30+00:00

I'm a woman who was raised by what I would consider loving, wonderful parents. My father wasn't unimportant or secondary to my mother, at all.

First, my dad wanted to be a dad. Getting married and having kids was important to him. So even if me and my siblings didn't necessarily show up when he and my mom were quite prepared, he was all in 100%.

Second, my dad was an involved dad. When he got home from work, he played with us. We built stuff with him, we went camping as a family, he showed up to school plays and sports events when work didn't get in the way. Even if he got home late after we went to bed, he'd come to our rooms to see if we were still awake to ask how our day was. And he and my mom were on the same page for punishments, too.

Third, my dad didn't tell us what our values should be, he demonstrated them. I learned the value of hard work watching him maintain three jobs because he and mom agreed she should stay home with me and my siblings until we were old enough to be in school. He rarely called someone to fix anything in our house, he'd do it himself, or at most, a friend came to help. He also was kind and respectful - to strangers, to animals, to his coworkers.

Fourth, and I'll speak very specifically about my relationship with him, he trusted me and I could trust him. He didn't shelter me or pull that macho "Threaten the boyfriend his teenage daughter brings home" bullshit. He and mom raised me to think for myself, to have good judgement, and to figure my life out on my own (as much as one lets a teenager anyway, there were obviously limits). And that meant I could talk to him - and I did. My parents knew more about my dating/friend life than most parents knew about their teens. If I was up grabbing a midnight snack, I'd sometimes find him raiding the fridge at the same time. So we'd sit at the table and just...talk. He didn't hold my mistakes over my head, they were moments to learn from.

And fifth, he recognized me as an individual, not what maybe some people might think a daughter "should be". He gave me my first tool set when I was seven. I was his building buddy since I was four years old and followed him up a ladder to fix something on the roof. We'd plan our house projects together, and when I joined the carpenters union, he was the first person I told. No one in my family was surprised at all at my career choice, cause, well, I was my daddy's girl, just in my own way.

Were my parents perfect? Hell no. Was I a perfect daughter? Absolutely not. But whatever fights we had, whatever stuff I kept from them, whatever our respective faults, I always KNEW how much they loved me. If shit hit the fan, they'd support me. I felt respected and valued as a person and a daughter. And I still do. I'm married, and my husband and I have our own home to work on. But I still head home to help with projects when I can, and I still ask my dad what he did for certain projects because I liked what he did. And we still just enjoy talking about life with each other.

Also, what's hilarious to me is my dad has never once worried about me as a driver, no matter how late I had to be out, how far I had to go, what weather I was driving in, or if I was familiar with my destination. But my brother? He's a full grown adult and my dad still worries about him driving in bad weather to this day. It's just...such a funny quirk.

RocinanteCoffee · 2023-03-20T07:02:45+00:00

Firstly you don't have to be a parent if you decide to get married. They are different decisions just make sure you both agree and take precautions.

A good father is the same as a good mother. Someone patient, loving, interested in their edification, their good mental health, supports them in reaching beyond to try new things and challenge themselves. Someone responsible, reliable, non-violent, who encourages exploration of the world, critical-thinking and helps their child grow and move in the world.

prettypistolgg · 2023-03-21T11:30:22+00:00

Do you know what is really turning me off from marriage, it is being a father.

First of all. Getting married doesn't mean you have to have kids. There are plenty of women who have chosen to be child free these days.

I feel like the father will always be a secondary character a mother helper a sperm donor a piggy bank.

Its 2023, men aren't always, by default, the bread winners in a house hold. I know several personally who have chosen to stay home and raise their kids so that the mother can work.

The term "primary" or "default" parent gets used a lot in parenting spaces to identify the person who spends more time doing the child rearing. Also, to that point, kids don't always prefer their primary parent, or see the other one as a "secondary character." Often times the person who spends more time with them is seen as the serious discipliner, while the other one is fun and cool.

He will never be as important as the mother and it isn’t our fault, we just can’t get pregnant or breastfeed.

My husband didn't carry our child but he took care of me when I did. He didn't breastfeed her but he comforts her in the night now that I don't anymore. He doesn't spend the 8 hours he works each day with her but he does spend every second he doesn't work playing, teaching and making memories with her.

A good father is someone who loves and respects their children (and partner), helps them when they need help but gives them independence to solve issues on their own, and is honest and trustworthy.

Subject-Ad-9613 · 2023-03-22T21:47:05+00:00

a man who leads by example, teaches responsibility and accountability provides a safe environment for kids to learn and make mistakes but also prevents major risk by being in control. he needs to be able to discipline them to shape them into effective members of society. he needs to teach a girl how to interact with men demanding a specific dynamic of protection trust and obedience, and needs to be able to lead a boy into becoming a man by example.

Title	What is a good father?
Author	anonymous375555
Upvotes	5
Comments	65
Date	March 19, 2023 6:00 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/11vsbf3/what_is_a_good_father/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/what-is-a-good-father.1187078 https://theredarchive.com/post/1187078

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