How do I (24F) stop behaving like a demon?

anothergoodbook · 2024-10-04T19:10:33+00:00

I’m not a mental health professional so take all of this with a grain of salt. This is based on my experience of being someone who was (is) very emotionally volatile and would take it out on my husband.

the biggest thing I realized was that my behavior was abusive. If it was my husband treating me the way I treated him with my meltdowns, I would have been encouraged to leave him. When I took a step back and really paid attention to how I was treating someone I claimed I loved and respected. That isn’t to guilt trip you and make you go “see how terrible I am!”. It a mirror so you can look in it and see where you need to change.
almost all if my anger was my attempts to control him and anxiety when I couldn’t. I’d have a desire for something that he didn’t want to do (ie get a dog) or just wasn’t ready yet. But I would push and argue and push him away. I felt I need this right now and if I don’t have it I didn’t realize it at the moment, but now I can see it was anxiety.
the rest of my anger was from jealousy… If he got to go out with his friends and he wasn’t home at the exact moment he said he would be home… I’d be furious. He stopped having hobbies on account of me (another abusive sign there…). I finally realized how jealous I was of that I didn’t plan time with my friends or have hobbies of my own.

My suggestions for working on it (or at least what worked for me):

figure out the underlying issue. And then how can you reframe it? Where can you take accountability for the things you are lashing at him over?
figure out your triggers and have alternatives for when they come up. The call is short and you can feel all the emotions coming on… what can you do instead? Go for a walk? Put on music and clean?
when he’s there and you’re talking about things - when you feel the emotions come up let him know you need a break from the conversation and disengage for a little while.
since you are seriously hyper focusing on these things - maybe you have something like ADHD? Or something else? Hyperfocusing to the extent that everything else goes out the window is obviously problematic. You need to prioritize doing those things even though you don't feel like it. Talk to your friends and get their support through it. Have a therapist you go to while you are hyper focused so they can get you through it.
I’d read 10 rules for life and check into David Goggins to learn some stoicism (I’m not 100% into stoicism, I think emotions handled in a healthy way are good. And being stoic all the time isn’t great either… but I think there might be some good info that would help you stop what you are doing in the moment and be more logical).

I’d argue whatever trauma you had is what drove you to dating lots of men versus dating a bunch of guys ruining you and causing you to be this way

Hot_Blacksmith_3404 · 2024-10-04T18:23:41+00:00

Have you tried dbt therapy? It’s very different from talk therapy and is very helpful for people with borderline personality disorder and similar emotional regulation issues to learn how to self-soothe and manage their emotional swings. You also should talk to a psychiatrist about a mood stabilizer - ssris can make bipolar and similar disorders worse. I’m not diagnosing you but just saying, you really need a professionals help to get to the bottom of this.

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2024-10-04T18:41:00+00:00

How often do you two see each other? A couple of things in here make me think you aren’t seeing each other that often.

when I surface sensitive topics he won’t answer immediately and claims to need time to think or want to talk in person

How long would it be until you see him in person to talk? Do you see him like 1 day a week? 2 days a month? 3 times a week? It can feel like avoiding if you only see him once every 14 days or so.

he only calls me for 5 minutes or so then says he has to go

Again, this wouldn’t be a huge deal if you see each other 4-5 times a week. If you only see each other like once a week that’s kind of hard to build a healthy relationship off of.

You say this relationship is healthy, but you clearly are not behaving like a woman in a healthy relationship. You are behaving like a woman who is being neglected. Is he neglecting you, or are you afraid he will start neglecting you like the men in your past have?

Do you two talk much in person? Why do you describe this relationship as healthy currently?

How old is he?

Sorry-Guidance69 · 2024-10-04T19:34:22+00:00

Figure out what age of you is showing up in that moment. Ask your body, it’ll know.She’s def not 24. (I get it I’m 24 too). Is she mad, scared, sad? All? Give her space to rage. Let her lose her ever loving mind. Let her cry. Let her shake or throw a temper tantrum. Then hold her. And tell her that you’ve got her now and she’s safe. At this point, she’s running the show in those moments and it’s your job to take that responsibility back and tell her that she doesn’t have to do that to protect herself anymore. Or carry that burden. Do this as much as you can. Don’t give up on her.

Also imagine 30 year you giving you advice. What would she say? She’d probably be compassionate and have some wisdom under her belt. Listen to her next.

Maybe consider some medication? That helped me a ton. Makes it a lot easier to step away in those times rather than reacting.

I’ve been there sis, you’ve got this!

Dm me if you need anything

NoPromotion4652 · 2024-10-04T19:21:47+00:00

Please read the book called “Attached” by Amir Levine (available on audiobook). This is your attachment style. You have what is referred to as”anxious attachment”. It stems from how your parental figure(s) taught you how to give & receive love when you were a child. There are steps that you can take to possess what is referred to as a “secure attachment”, but you have to put in some work to educate yourself on why you have these feelings/insecurities/reactions. Trust me, once you begin to understand attachment, you can and will take steps to heal, and the small things won’t trigger you anymore like they do now. Good luck!

DarlinggD · 2024-10-04T18:30:09+00:00

STF UP That’s it

RedPillDad · 2024-10-05T12:08:49+00:00

I feel like a helpless freak at times. The other day, I saw a couple at the coffee shop smiling and sharing a coffee together and I felt so envious and angry.

This really caught my attention. I don't think you're broken and you're not alone in feeling this way. As a society, we are being intentionally agitated to feel fearful, anxious, envious and such. We're being pushed into tribalism and identity politics where we fight against each other and become agents of destruction rather than support cohesive families and communities.

When I ran a business, I imagined having a protective bubble surrounding my family, business and coworkers. It was a concept I picked up at a seminar. This bubble not only shielded us from negativity and harm, it defied gravity to allow us to reach upwards to higher levels.

This wasn't a happiness bubble where we remained blissfully unaware of reality. We were activated to raise and sustain an enhanced reality.

Talk to your boyfriend about this. As a team you'll have a much better chance of sustaining your own success bubble.

SouthernEngine2544 · 2024-10-05T11:24:42+00:00

I have tried so many things to sedate the demon inside me

Let's call it a hamster. Once, mf is on the wheel, it's pretty hard to stop him. Most things you can possibly do will make him spin the wheel faster. It's a fuel for him. He has a good resistance to all pills. By the time your therapist will identify sources of your anxiety in your past, time will pass and the hamster will get new sources of food. Therapy and pills can help, but will never stop this little mf inside of your head. Though, eating sedatives when you're 24 yo, it's like shooting sparrows from tank. Did you try Mg + B6 before sleep?

You can try physical activity that keeps you busy for hours and requires you to be focused on what you're doing. 3 times a week gym or running won't work.

The only way to fully shut the hamster the fuck down is to stop the endless flow of thoughts inside of the head. The solution is meditation. It teaches how not to be a slave of your past. Read "The Mind Illuminated".

LateralThinker13 · 2024-10-04T23:37:09+00:00

I feel like a helpless freak at times.

You sound either bipolar or dark triad. That said, you have one HUGE thing going for you that gives me hope: you have a problem, you know it, you admit it, and you want to change it.

Most women in your shoes don't do any of those things, which is why such conditions are so hard to treat.

Honestly, go see a psychiatrist. Get evaluated. Then, in all likelihood, get medicated. Because feeling like a "helpless freak" at times is more than just simple childhood trauma.

MOTHWIFE_ · 2024-10-06T04:19:31+00:00

I was on birth control and had this same issue. Was literally diagnosed with BPD, OCD, and PTSD, having constant breakdowns and always sabotaging my own relationship because the chaos felt comfortable to me.

Got off birth control and have been mostly normal ever since.

Also, read “The Empowered Wife” by Laura Doyle, even though you aren’t married it may help put some things into perspective for you about how your bf is seeing your behaviors. Can’t recommend this book enough.

attack_the_block · 2024-10-04T18:12:58+00:00

What you describe is one of the main motivators for men caring how many "bodies" a woman has. Every relationship or intimate encounter leaves an emotional mark on a person, but for women it hits differently. Each one makes it more difficult for women to properly bond with a man for a long term relationship.

You become more unstable emotionally, more distrustful, more angry, easier to anger, harder to deal with, its much harder for you to take accountability or to properly apologize when wrong. It becomes harder for you to trust attempts at building bonds, and you are less likely to value or respect the action your man puts forth.

You sound like you need therapy. And I feel sorry that your guy has to carry the burden of your past traumas, when he did nothing to cause them. This is all very unfair to him.

SellMeUsedPaintings · 2024-10-06T14:02:42+00:00

Man's sounds safe. Is he boring to you? Not showing enough emotion?

Proud_Resort7407 · 2024-10-04T20:41:02+00:00

If he were describing this relationship I would diagnose this "demon" as you putting him through shit tests.

These "tests" are a subconscious thing women do when they're uncertain of a man's viability as a mate or his willingness to invest longterm.

Identify where your anxiety about the relationship is originating from and then consider how best to approach communicating these concerns to him.

serene_brutality · 2024-10-04T18:47:20+00:00

You need to practice self control that’s all there is to it. Easier said than done perhaps therapy can help teach you some tricks or coping mechanisms, but at the end of the day you are the only one who can control your actions. Simply put you let your paranoia, insecurities and their corresponding negative emotions control you when you need to control them, it takes work and discipline, therapy alone isn’t going to do shit for you unless you can get control of yourself.

I’m sure there is a lot of reasons, trauma, possibly poor parenting that explain why you act the way you do, and it could help to go to therapy figure all that out, but at the end of the day while it may not be your fault you are this way, it is your responsibility, and nobody else’s.

Again it takes practice and discipline, forming healthy habits and coping skills. At the end of the day the wolf you feed is the stronger one, so stop feeding the wolf of anxiety, fear, negative emotions.

lostthering · 2024-10-04T20:24:33+00:00

This is very simple.

Any time you feel like saying something to him, just ask yourself "How would I feel if he said this to me?".

If it would make you feel bad, then don't say it.

Keep doing this until you learn to ignore your feelings.

That's really the core problem here. Somewhere in your past you gave yourself permission to believe and do whatever your feelings tell you to do, no matter who gets hurt. When men do this, we call them narcissistic sociopaths.

So just start focusing on the feelings of your victims, Start valuing their feelings instead of your own. Then it will become easy to protect them from yourself.

After you succeed in this you will not only avoid losing a good man, you will gain the ability to spot abusive people from a mile away. You can then avoid entering friendships with them, avoid accepting jobs in workplaces full of them, or at least put up emotional shields in situations where interacting with abusers is unavoidable.

You probably have a history of getting blindsided by abusers because you don't know how to spot them ... because you have allowed that nature to exist in yourself for so long. Your instincts recognize abusers as kindred spirits, and so you feel drawn to them instead of fearing them like you should ... the same way men feel irrational kinship with predatory animals, when they should realize those animals cannot be their pets. Those pets will eat them.

AutoModerator · 2024-10-04T17:51:59+00:00

Title: How do I (24F) stop behaving like a demon?

Author pkavsb

Full text: I think my boyfriend is great. Extremely honest, wholesome, and admirable guy. Rarely has he ever done anything to rock the boat or be malicious. We've been together for about a year.

I find myself blowing up indiscriminately at him for minor things. When I say "blowing up" I mean losing my mind over text and calling him over and over again and begging for him to engage in pointless, circular conversation about the minor thing that bothered me.

Some examples of things that have sparked extensive, bitter fighting by me: - I suggested a trip to Colorado in the winter and he said we need to do it in the summer - His tone or manner was slightly off and I went off the rails demanding to know why he's mad at me and continuing to ask once he claims he's not mad - He lost service and didn't text me while in the mountains - When I surface sensitive topics he won't answer immediately and claims to need time to think or want to talk in person (I hate this and it feels like stonewalling and avoiding me) - When he only calls me for 5 minutes or so and then says he has to go

Many more examples. I have tried so many things to sedate the demon inside me - birth control and hormone management, talk therapy, SSRIs, herbal remedies, and more. Talk therapy seemed to worsen my problems and make me even more sensitive. For more context we are mid-distance (I'm in the city and he is in the suburbs) and I have significantly more relationship and sexual experience than him (I've had multiple boyfriends in my 20s and sexual partners, he is a virgin who has never dated anyone). Am I just traumatized from bad men in the past and I'm unfixable?

I feel like a helpless freak at times. The other day, I saw a couple at the coffee shop smiling and sharing a coffee together and I felt so envious and angry. I've been so close to a happy healthy relationship so many times with him but I can't stop fucking up.

I want to stop, but I can't. I feel like I genuinely CANNOT stop. When I get into these fighting moods, everything else in my life goes to shit. I skip workouts, ignore my friends, stop eating and sleeping, and get distracted at work. HOW do I stop and just STFU?

^{This is the original text of the post and this is an automated service}

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

AutoModerator · 2024-10-04T17:51:59+00:00

Thank you for posting to RPW. Here are a couple reminders:

If you are seeking relationship advice. Make sure you are answering the guidelines for asking for advice on the rules page. Include any relevant context regarding religion, culture, living arrangements/LDRs, or other information that will help commenters.
Do not delete your post once you have your answers. Others may have the same question!
You must participate in your own post. If you put up a post and disappear, it will be removed.
We are not here for non-participants to study us. If you are writing a paper or just curious, read our sidebar and wiki and old posts.
Men are not allowed to ask questions and generally discouraged from participating unless they are older, partnered and have Red Pill experience.
Within the last year, RedPillWomen has had over half a dozen 'Banned from 'x' subreddit' post for commenting/subscribing to RPW. Moving forwards, the mods will remove these types of posts: 1, 2, 3, 4. We recommend you make a RPW specific account.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

WolfEagle1 · 2024-10-04T22:25:32+00:00

Hard truth incoming. Do the guy a favor and break up with him.

rrrattt · 2024-10-05T05:02:45+00:00

Hormonal birth control made me a bit of a "demon," I'm not sure what you have tried and not tried but it is possible it's linked to the BC or SSRIs because they can definitely have adverse affects for some people. Or you could need as others have said a different kind of therapy or mood stabilizer.

The fact that you realize you are acting this way is good though. You've been to doctors and therapy, did they diagnose you with anything? Things like Borderline Personality Disorder or other personality disorders and attachment issues can be caused by trauma and usually need different targeted therapies. Or if you have something chemical related like Bipolar, you may need different medications.

But I don't think you are unfixable, especially if you have come to terms with these issues, I think you just need a better support system of doctors/therapists to help you work through things and work on coping mechanisms. If you haven't gotten into any kind of Journaling, I know it's basic advice but it can really help to write down or record a video/voice memo for yourself when you are really deep in this negative spiraling thoughts. Both so you can look back later and see where you were getting triggered, and to help you hopefully figure out what kind of coping mechanisms might help you calm down so you don't blow up on someone else.

It's important to figure out exactly what is triggering these feelings and how you are feeling at the time you start lashing out, so you can begin to figure out if there are some things you can avoid or try to approach differently, and so you can figure out coping mechanisms to calm yourself down for the situations you can't avoid. It sounds like some kind of insecure attachment and fear in the relationship, or maybe black-and-white thinking/splitting types of things, but I am definitely not a doctor, and only have a few examples to go off of. If nothing else try writing down what you feel like has triggered the negative feelings, and write down as many words as you can to describe how you felt, and I'd recommend trying to find a new psych doctor that will read through those notes because it's going to give a much clearer picture than you trying to describe past events.

Even_Claim_1072 · 2024-10-05T13:54:08+00:00

Reading the bible helps calm me down, and meditating on some verses keeps my mind calm and away from anxious and intrusive thoughts.

NorthernNesters · 2024-10-05T15:36:27+00:00

LOL! First, how would it feel to stop referring to this version of self as a demon? Let’s change this to something positive! Negativity earns more of it and it is so easy to hate on myself during a relapse with a demon instead of a learning experience with ‘Bob’.

I personally, as a former hothead, recommend 2 thing:

Get a relationship coach; I got a Laura Doyle coach and she helped me see what I was doing in new light and taught me ways to work through and repair. I loved it, took more coaching and became a coach after it helped my marriage so much. Yes, therapy can help, but it never really helped me when I tried it in couples or personal sessions because I didn’t have clear cut actions I could do! So this was perfect for me.
I also learned a lot of self regulation in TBM (To Be Magnetic). I got their app and many of the prompts and meditation exercises focus on recognizing what reaction you’re doing that you want to change, then delving into its history and how you want to represent yourself going forward. I had no idea how much my mom played a part in things lol!

youllknowwhenitstime · 2024-10-05T23:43:06+00:00

birth control and hormone management, talk therapy, SSRIs, herbal remedies, and more

I think you could be onto something about the root being hormonal/neurochemical, but before I go down that path, could you clarify:

Are you 'demonic' only with him or with everyone in your life? How about past partners?

Greedy-Frosting-6937 · 2024-10-06T04:50:49+00:00

Half these comments aren't helpful. If she could STFU she would. Get the DBT workbook off Amazon and start working through it. Also talk to a psychiatrist and describe what happens. I agree talk therapy makes me triggered as well. Try EMDR and start working through your trauma.

Melodic-General-3948 · 2024-10-07T00:26:21+00:00

Title is relatable and I commend you for your post. The demons are always on us. Stay strong

alphatruth · 2024-10-05T05:02:50+00:00

Responsible & professional psychedelic therapy.

WonderfulBarracuda93 · 2024-10-05T11:09:20+00:00

The Birth control pill can literally kill your testosterone. It has been likened to female chemical castration it’s that bad and marriages have dissolved due to its effects causing bad responses. Low T is a major cause of anxiety, cognitive disruption and disfunction, depression, brain fog, the feeling of being mentally vexed with noise or thoughts and words from people you couldn’t process quickly. I would get a full hormone panel and thyroid blood labs check in your mid luteal phase where E, P and T are at their highest.
You have to be mindful of your mental and emotional state regularly, so that instead of find yourself reacting in the same cycle, you can grab it quicker rather than it controlling you. If you aren’t mindful, you can find yourself just responding the same way, whereas being mindful allows you to grab it when you feel it come on. Then practice purposeful breathwork and begin speaking out loud good things, wrap everything in gratefulness and see the good, not what you perceive as a problem. See everything that you don’t like happening or feeling as something you can be thankful for that is provoking the issue you have to have you then practice mindfulness and self control. At first, it’s not easy, but persistence and practice is the key to habitual change.
Consider 4 other things also. a) Your behaviour will only cause you more problems and dissolve good relationships as it’s toxic. b) For this exact reason men are avoiding westernised women because and seeking women more traditional which seem to control these type of behavioural responses. Thus, you are affirming in your behaviour the validity of why men avoid such, and part of increasing the sub culture trend, where ultimately women lose.

c) What example will this have on a future daughter you might have? The culture of westernised women at large by statistics is not good and it largely stemmed from upbringing.

d) How would you feel, what would you say if your man treated you this way? Or, what would you think and say if a woman was treating your son this way?

With that aside, I am very impressed by your post OP, as the first and most difficult step I find with westernised women is ‘recognise’ and ‘take accountability’. You are on the right path and choosing to be emotionally intelligent in looking at your responses instead of running with them and excusing them. I am a man, and I was toxic due to my upbringing, highly emotional and simply put, a wicked fool. It took me looking in the mirror and accepting that it’s like there’s two dogs that live in me, a black dog and a white dog, the one I allow to run and feed into grows stronger. I had to make decisions to shut up and suppress that black dog otherwise I was gonna hurt more people.

DashItUpThePipe · 2024-10-06T04:40:33+00:00

This might get downvoted to oblivion, but I’d suggest looking into adding (consensual of course) elements of domestic discipline into your relationship (he has to be willing too, which may be a problem). From what I gather there are just certain personality types (more women than men true) who need it, and when done with maturity and responsibility a really deep and trusting and safe/secure relationship develops

See r/domesticdiscipline

This discussion post for example;

https://www.reddit.com/r/domesticdiscipline/s/p89RwCe1cw

No-Comfort1229 · 2024-10-04T18:02:55+00:00

!remindme 1 day

Title	How do I (24F) stop behaving like a demon?
Author	pkavsb
Upvotes	38
Comments	41
Date	October 4, 2024 5:51 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1fw5bsn/how_do_i_24f_stop_behaving_like_a_demon/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-do-i-24f-stop-behaving-like-a-demon.1532061 https://theredarchive.com/post/1532061

Comments