I'm in need of some hard knock real advise. From what I have seen, you guys are my best shot.

I am 30 yrs old fairly attractive and slightly overweight (healthy BMI, but on the heavy end of things). I have been with my SO (34 years old) for 4 years. He is the smartest, most loyal, morally minded man I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. He helped me to see the err of my ways and bring me to a RP understanding of relationships, the world, and myself. I have chosen him to be my partner.

It is not all sunshine and roses. This journey has not been easy. It has been turmultuous and full of emotional outbursts on my end (rarely on his). My own self loathing/self absorbed spirals followed by lessons learned. I have been a wild monster of a shrew. Although my understanding of things (healthy relationship dynamics, SMV, etc) are seemingly better, my relationship and my life appear to be at an all time low.

*Conversations between myself and my SO are something we both avoid and when we are not avoiding the conversation it gets combative or defensive very quickly. Usually ending in me leaving the conversation to avoid a full blown emotional scene.

*Lately it seems to me that he has been instigating conflict. He relates everyday topics into ways that he can point fingers and be accusatory. Even his jokes, are becoming passive aggressive and mean.

*We haven't had sex in over a year (but it suffered years before that). He will not risk getting me pregnant until he knows I can be an emotionally stable mother and partner. Sex is completely off the table at this point. I believe this is hard on both of us

*My guy has been jobless for years (almost the entire time I have known him). I have been the sole provider for the both of us, which I detest. I have funded several business ventures that have fallen through. Recently I spent over $1000 for his dental work because he had an infected tooth that could have harmed his health. We both live in the house I bought when I was 21 and the repairs that need done are not in my budget. This is stressing me out.

*I am depressed. Despair, hopelessness and loneliness is a common feeling. The housework is slacking, I'm not proud of me. This contributes to this emotiona l fragility I feel which I think requires some serious personal work.

I am full of resentment, shame, and confusion. I want things to get better and I realize that my emotional outbursts and lack of emotional control have contributed to this breakdown in our relationship. Unfortunately much of the damage was done before I even realized how I was contributing to it. Now, the obstacles seem overwhelming and the thing that believe is most helpful to my situation: Facing his grievances against me in an emotional still manner seems to be something that I am not capable of providing. Especially with the weight of the frustration and harsh words he brings to these conversations. Though I do acknowledge the importance of addressing his concerns and growing trust and healthy communication, I am struggling with being able.

Also, I don't know how to address the joblessness. Somewhere inside I think I am battling with feeling that failed in vetting my partner. Safety security and a family are so important to me and every day I feel myself running out of time :(

I think that I am struggling with a lack of respect for my partner:( This would explain a lot of my behavior and feelings and also his response to me as I know that respect is very important to men. It is very important to me that I respect my man as well. I am disappointed in my guy from a financial/stability respect and I find him to be lazy. That being said I want this relationship to work. Any ideas on what I can do about this?

I sure hope this post is ok. I know I am all over the place. Please let me know if it needs edit.

TLDR: my relationship is failing, I need some tough love.