Unsure About My Relationship

Leonhart93 · 2024-03-02T03:19:26+00:00

You just described what's called a "situationship". Even if you don't call it that, from the outside that's exactly how it looks.

IWTTYAS · 2024-03-02T03:34:13+00:00

You're not in a relationship. Sorry.

You need to move on.

You think he's a hvm but he doesn't see you as high value. You're not his.

Edit to add - a lot of this makes me cringe. you made some specific call outs like over 6 foot and you're a poc and you talk about putting out and he just doesn't seem interested now. You are - you need to just lose his # and move on

CinnamonNo5 · 2024-03-02T03:25:27+00:00

Where is a strong provider mindset made evident here? Those are just words and he isn't treating you as though he wants any of those things with you. Words are cheap.

I'm going to highlight really important things here:

You have to always drive to him. He uses your gym membership, but he doesn't seem interested in impressing you. He is very clear that he is almost a high priority and interested only in your sex.

Is this the kind of man you want to be your captain?

If you continue to walk with a scarcity mindset and not confronting your insecurities with solutions, you will continue to enter relationships with men who will only want to use your time, money, and sex.

You should work on yourself. Overhaul. Mind and body.

You will accept the love you think you deserve.

Takiyah7 · 2024-03-02T04:39:39+00:00

Girl...

Don't let who a man appears to be on the outside and to other people cloud your judgement. This is how many persons are tricked and bamboozled. How he treats you is of utmost importance!

But you can't even begin to assess how you should be treated when you clearly don't value yourself. Improve what you can change and learn to accept and love what you can not change. Maybe you should see a therapist to help show you what that will look like.

You think you are lowering your standards to win this seemingly glamorous prize in the end, but this is not what you think it is. Your standards are high in areas where they may very well benefit from being lower and quite low where they should be MUCH higher!

You are not receiving this man's love, protection, or provision. This doesn't sound like something you should continue to pursue at alllllll.

1. Love yourself 2. Work on yourself 3. Sharpen and actually use your vetting tools!

If you were my little sister, I'd tell you to go into nun mode to ensure that this period of introspection and transformation is truly effective!

There's so much I want to type and this message is already quite long, but I truly believe that this subreddit is one of the best places on the Internet to find guidance, especially if you're new to RPW content.

Ok_Outside149 · 2024-03-02T03:53:39+00:00

how many chances will I have to snag a hvm that is over 6 foot? Who has strong provider mindset as in he wants to provide for a sahm and kids?

I think you’re putting the cart before the house here. Are you sure he wants to provide for you? He’s not even treating you well in the relationship stage, what makes you think he’ll make you his wife?

youllknowwhenitstime · 2024-03-02T03:25:05+00:00

Are you two official? You know for certain you're exclusive?

JustAnotherBoymoder · 2024-03-02T03:27:19+00:00

How much does he seem to like you? Do you feel you slept with him too early? If I'm going off of the vibe, it seems like he feels he has gotten what he wants from you and doesn't feel the need to commit or advance the relationship further. With that in mind, what have you done to inspire commitment from him and do you think this is a man who desires to commit to someone?

Part of having boundaries is enforcing them and having self respect, do you desire to be with a man who (at least as it currently stands without further evaluation in this area) won't commit further to you, because he likely thinks he can do better?

EDIT: Looking at your post history, your boyfriend says he wants multiple girlfriends. Please take the message as clear as he's making it, he's not interested in being monogamous with you or committing to you.

Ad_Inferno · 2024-03-02T03:36:00+00:00

In my opinion, it doesn't matter if he checks the boxes that theoretically qualify him as a HVM if the relationship is essentially one-sided. If he doesn't act like one towards you, he's not as high value as you think.

Besides, you are quite young, and (again, my opinion but as someone who has been married for 10 years and got married at 21) there's no reason to necessarily look for a man who has it all together when both you and a potential partner are going to grow and change together (assuming you're fairly close in age, that is). I had a different standard for my now-husband than I would have for other men because he's 12 years older than me. He was a single dad and not "wealthy" by any means at that time, but he still owned a house and a car and had a good job, which to have by age 30 in Canada is, realistically, doing very well for himself. Everything I saw demonstrated the level of responsibility and maturity that I was hoping for - with the added benefit that I could see firsthand that he's a good father and good provider to his child. BUT if I was dating someone closer to my own age (I was 19 at the time), my standards would have looked quite different and been more flexible. The core traits of responsibility and an appropriate level of maturity, leadership skills, etc. still would apply, just in a different way that takes his age into consideration a little more.

Jenneapolis · 2024-03-02T03:32:10+00:00

What actions has he shown you that you believe he’s invested in making you a stay at home wife and mother? Is he doing things to show you this is where it’s headed or is he just telling you this? And if you are not enjoying hanging out in the house with him and having sex with him, it doesn’t sound like you would enjoy being a stay at home wife and mother to him, right?? Because that’s essentially what it is, staying in the house together.

It sounds to me like you are telling yourself you should like him but you don’t really like him. Maybe he is just using you for sex or maybe he’s just a guy who likes to stay home and you want to go out. Whatever the scenario is, you don’t sound into him at all.

Difficult_Horror_882 · 2024-03-02T15:40:50+00:00

This is your first “relationship”, so keep in mind that you don’t have the benefit of hindsight/experience that a lot of us have. To be blunt, what makes you so confident that you have a real future with this guy? You’re basing your inclination to keep your standards low on the idea that he will commit to you, make you his wife, etc. This doesn’t match the likely trajectory of this relationship based on the info you’ve provided us. What you’ve described sounds like somebody who will just use you until he’s done if you let him.

ColeIsBae · 2024-03-02T19:45:03+00:00

Girl! You need to read Laura Doyle asap!

moonlitbutterfly117 · 2024-03-02T04:16:03+00:00

There are already a lot of comments with good points here.

Some things I'd like to add:

No matter what you think about how your body fits into the mold of standard "beauty", I can say with 100% certainty that there is a man it will work for. There IS a man out there that will find it wildly sexy. Sometimes there's not even a real rhyme or reason for it. Some men like big women, some like curvy, some like itty bitty things. They just like what they like.

Similarly, there IS a man out there who will LOVE your personality. Who will be WAY into it. Finding one who is is just a numbers game. For somebody, you are his DREAM GIRL.

And one thing I must give men credit for, is that they don't try to change us. They just accept that we are we what are. We are the ones that bear children, so it's more inherently built into us to see the potential in others. Evolutionarily, we MUST see the potential in the children we raise.

You need to get a man that you already see as the total package. That you love as he is, not as his potential. It's a big mistake that a lot of us make in our 20s. You need to find a man that you don't feel you need to change, or coerce into behaving the way you want, or criticize or teach to treat you well. You are not his mother. And it's a slippery slope that can easily slide into manipulation territory. In my experience, this kind of thing doesn't get better.

And lastly, I'm sorry. Truly. Because when you really, really like someone, when you have strong feelings for them, all of this is hard to swallow. Accepting any of this is very, very hard. It hurts. It's painful. But at the end of the day, the bottom line is that you are not being treated the way you want to be treated. Does anything else matter?

No relationship is worth your peace, at any age.

CountTheBees · 2024-03-02T05:58:58+00:00

It could be that your SMV is just too low for him. You act as if your small tits, ass and personality are constants but they're not. Your butt can get bigger/more shapely with exercise. And decreasing your waist-to-hip ratio could make even small breasts and ass look enviable.

You just need to put in the work rather than applying the sunk cost fallacy to a situationship. If he treats you better after you get in shape, great! Your relationship improves after you put in the work. If he doesn't, you now have a lot more SMV to look elsewhere. In RP circles this is known as "the stay plan is the go plan".

Talking to lots of people, practicing the art of conversation, building your social circle, can improve your personality as well. If you don't think you're that great then start working to change that.

Spriteandfries · 2024-03-02T06:33:15+00:00

If you’re wanting to stay in this relationship and improve it, and if you believe that he is a good man that truly loves and cares about you but is just not the romantic type and just simply doesn’t think of these things, I’d suggest the book “The Empowered Wife” by Lauren Doyle. I’m currently listening to it on audible (and yes it applies to serious relationships as well not just marriages). And it’s helped me a lot. The lessons in it apply to your situation so well. If you want to get a feel for the author before trying the book, she also has a podcast.

purplebeauty-saved · 2024-03-02T14:47:46+00:00

You gave up the goods way too soon. NEVER give them up until you're in a actual defined relationship. This advice to to protect you and give you enough time to vet men. Us women become emotionally attached when sex becomes involed and makes us believe in false hopes. We dont see things as clearly as we should. But you need to not have sex until youre in a official relationship next time. What you're in right now is called a FWB.(situationship) He is completely using you and there will never be a chance to fix his perception of you. He put you the FWB compartment. Stop doing wifey things for him to try and change his mind. Trust me, he is a romantic but not to you. He doesn't see you as his future wife.

AutoModerator · 2024-03-02T03:08:34+00:00

Title: Unsure About My Relationship

Author Significant_You82

Full text: I am an 23f average poc woman. Probably a 6/10 and not skinny but not fat either. And I am dating a hvm that is 26m. But… it doesn’t feel like how I though my first relationship would be. It doesn’t feel romantic in the slightest.

He isn’t romantic. We have been together nearly 6 months and hasn’t gotten me a single gift, no flowers, no thoughtful dates that he thought I WOULD LIKE. He does choose restaurants that he likes (American/Americanized foods). Since I first had sex with him his effort with me has nose dived. We have gone on less that 4 dates in the 6 months we have been together. No thoughtful anything.

I thought maybe I could guide him. Or teach him how to treat me by cooking for him, buying him thoughtful gifts, being vocal about my dissatisfaction, coming up with some cool date ideas and even getting us tickets. But… nothing. He returns nothing.

Is this normal? All we do is go to MY GYM membership, have sex, and hang out at his house. That is it. Don’t men who like a woman want to …. Do more than this? I feel like I am just convenient for him.

Add onto this, I drive 45+ minutes to see him. But he won’t drive to meet me for a date because then I would only be getting what I want , attention. And he wouldn’t get what he wants, sex.

I just don’t think I am happy…. But when I am with him I love it. When I am distracted I am fine. But when I am thinking about our relationship, my skin doesn’t feel warm and I don’t get all smiley.

But here’s the thing. How many chances will I have to snag a hvm that is over 6 foot? Who has a strong provider mindset as in he wants to provide for a sahm and kids. Who is emotionally intelligent and intelligent? Handsome. And funny. And has a good job? When I am not a hot model or anything? I have small tits and a small ass. My personality isn’t that amazing either.

I just feel like maybe I should suck it up and just lower my expectations from him.

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Theyogithatcould · 2024-03-02T03:46:29+00:00

1.) why are you spoiling him when you've gotten nothing of the sort to start. STOP.
2.) 4 dates in 6 months is a No.
3.) He's getting what he wants out of you. Sex, YOUR memberships, gifts, you're taking him out.
4.) why are you driving to HIM?
5.) You love the idea of your first relationship but not this guy. THis guys a bum loser. And you're behaving like a loser for going above and beyond for a garbage bag on the street.

Marissa_Smiles · 2024-03-03T02:59:42+00:00

He has done zero things to make me believe he views you as a potential wife. You don’t seem to be happy in this.. situation. Since this is your first relationship I suggest you do some research and learn from this experience.

TalkingConscious · 2024-03-03T04:31:22+00:00

This made me sick. I'm sorry but you don't deserve that. Leave him, he sounds like he's not taking you seriously or afraid to lose you.

ZainaJenkins · 2024-03-03T07:47:25+00:00

I don’t think you fully understand what a hvm is, he may tick a bunch of those boxes on the outside but he doesn’t ACT high value towards you. Also, every way you describe his actions towards you is EXACTLY how I acted towards my rebound that I didn’t even want to be in a relationship with but was lonely, and wanted to feel some love when I couldn’t fulfill that for myself.

When you are a women of his dreams he will roll out the red carpet for you and do ANYTHING for you. You should feel like a princess, if you don’t, cut your losses and leave him so you can be available for when an actual hvm walks into your life and treats you how you inherently know you should be.

venusianfireoncrack · 2024-03-03T14:19:29+00:00

not worth it, leave him. it doesn’t sound like hes trying to move forward with you, you’re just fun for him

Title	Unsure About My Relationship
Author	Significant_You82
Upvotes	1
Comments	44
Date	March 2, 2024 3:08 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1b4dxvj/unsure_about_my_relationship/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/unsure-about-my-relationship.1246868 https://theredarchive.com/post/1246868

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