Found this text and am paralyzed. Need advice

SovereignWings · 2016-09-02T15:48:59+00:00

Hard next no contact. If she lives with you (your post is unclear) then be prepared to pack your shit and move out because she probably won't.

Sorry man. Any kind of contact with ex's is a giant red flag. Especially leaving her dogs with him every weekend and texting on the reg. This has basically been happening since you two first met you just didn't want to acknowledge it for what it was - she wanted his committment but couldn't get it, so she got yours instead and kept fucking him on the side.

seattleron · 2016-09-02T16:24:00+00:00

Break up with her immediately. Do NOT give her an explanation. I repeat, DO NOT GIVE AN EXPLANATION. Just say, "It is time."

You need to get out now before this gets any worse and you're raising someone else's kid and on the hook financially with her for the next couple decades.

Yashugan00 · 2016-09-02T16:06:48+00:00

Everyone has you covered here. I'll add you need to start getting in contact with your bros and/or your family. You're going to need a support system, and it's better to arrange that before you break down too hard.

Never cry in front of a woman. They usually won't understand why, but they'll despise you for it either way.

You're a therapist (I'm actually kinda jealous because that sounds awesome), but you need some bro therapy of your own from your circle. You have additional reason to look out for yourself and to be insanely selfish. If you're having a hard time, how the fuck are you supposed to help others? Take a day or two off if you can afford it. (I took a week, and I don't deal with the public in my career.)

Delete Facebook, hit the gym, block her number, and avoid her and mutual friends like the plague.

She used you. That text convo had to be tough to read. She wasn't yours, it was just your turn.

Thewelshpill · 2016-09-02T15:54:41+00:00

leave her stuff on the doorstep, don't even tell her why your breaking up just tell her to get out.

Yashugan00 · 2016-09-02T16:31:40+00:00

Hard next. Don't give her closure, she's not entitled. If you're angry and you want to vent, do it in therapy. Dont show any emotions, she'll be looking to leverage any reaction you give her, and build on that link to try to backtrack out of the situation or use it to make you the bad apple to other people.

I've never done this myself, but I really like what I read in a previous post her:

hand deliver her box of stuff to her mom. (You've been together over a year I presume you're on first name basis with her family) and tell her calmly and composed you're sorry it didn't work out. What a shame, you thought she was the one, etc.

Her mom will know what's up, or force a confession out of her daughter (humiliating), and then do your work for you for many years to come (let's be real, women never forget, it'll be till the end of time she'll have to hear about that one who got away and look what you're stuck with now)

Change the locks.

MrBowlfish · 2016-09-02T16:22:56+00:00

Everyone posting here is right and we are serious. You need to hard next her and no contact. Move on. Anything else is a mistake. We speak from experience. I've been EXACTLY where you are before. I tried to rationalize it, stayed with her a few months longer and she DID IT AGAIN. This relationship is over. Not to fret, however. Luckily for you there are 4 billion women in the world.

redditatt · 2016-09-02T16:31:57+00:00

This may come off as harsh, but if you want to maintain any credibility as a psychologist, you have to end it with a HARD next. If I found out my psychologist was putting up with this level of bullshit and utter disrespect in their own life I would demand every penny of my money back.

Good luck man, I hope you get on board with some TRP-style self improvement and start spending time with women who value and respect you.

JamesSkepp · 2016-09-02T16:39:41+00:00

She's using you. You're her wallet, her financial supportive bf. She's fucking him, or will be as soon as she's sure you will marry her.

This is CLASSIC BetaBuX/AlpahaFux.

You can try to argue with us, her, try to fix the LTR, confront her. It will not work, whatever you do.

We've been there, done that, million times.

Dump her immediatelly, give no specific reason, start lifting and meet new girls.

Retspihi · 2016-09-02T16:00:43+00:00

All of her shit goes out ASAP. Block and delete everything from her. Change locks.

This woman is not your ally. No contact, do not fight, you'll lose.

Docbear64 · 2016-09-02T16:29:11+00:00

In my experience anytime a woman won't openly tell other guys that you exist that lets you know exactly where you stand in her life. A nice little time filler in private but not someone worth committing to or openly acknowledging your existence around other men .

If you have any self respect I would releive yourself of this woman and pursue someone new , not just because she texted an ex but because your relationship has been a lie up until this point . She has not devoted the time ,energy , or emotion to it that you have .

I imagine you were much more open to others asking if you were seeing someone ?

sd4c · 2016-09-02T18:54:47+00:00

and found out she had lied and met up with him on her birthday a few months back for lunch. She told me she was going out with a friend.

Calling an ex-boyfriend "a friend" because she damn well knows you wouldn't approve of her seeing him is deceptive. It is a lie of omission. You do not want people in your life who decieve you.

By decieving you, she demonstrated that she is not your friend. By deceiving you, she created a false reality that you depended on to make important decisions- like who to live with and who to love. It is no different than finding out she is stealing from you. Because by lying, she was, in effect, stealing your love.

You may be tempted to demand an explanation, or determine whether or not they have slept together. Don't. Trust me, it's better to move on not knowing. You think you will feel better, knowing- you will feel worse if you try and find nothing (because you will still wonder, since you can't prove a negative and her word is no good anymore). And if she confesses to sleeping with him, or you otherwise find out- you will feel worse.

Do not attempt to rationalize that maybe they didn't hook up. It doesn't matter if they did! She stole your love. And wasted your time, months that you thought you were a TEAM. She is a time-thief.

Start by gathering all your things and getting them out. Hire movers if you have to. Put them in storage if you have to. Find a new place, somewhere you have no memories of her. Move. Don't explain anything to her. No call, no text conversation. No revenge. Just leave a note on the wall saying "it's over". She will know why.

When you break up with her, she will chase you. Don't accept. If you even give her 20 minutes of your time to fuck her in a motel, she will weasel her way back into your life. TRUST ME. You might think you can keep her on the side as a fucktoy, and have no feelings. It is too late.

I'm very sorry that your relationship is over, but you will be OK. You will be OK. I promise. But right now, you have to take actions to protect your heart from further abuse.

RedHatStocker · 2016-09-02T17:30:44+00:00

Dude, get the hell out of there NOW. I don't care how invested you think you are with this woman - she's blatantly going behind your back and is showing the most disrespect she possible could. You cannot tolerate that. No self-respecting man would. I know it's a bitter thing to realize and it feels like a punch to the gut, but this is perfect Alpha Fucks/Beta Bucks to the max, you see it for yourself now. Listen to the guys here and dump that bitch today.

InformalCriticism · 2016-09-02T21:41:40+00:00

Everyone is giving you some good 2¢ options, but what I haven't really seen is anyone addressing how devastated you are right now.

DO NOT, DO NOT get emotional with her, do not confront her, don't sort it out. Understand and accept that it's over. These people saying ditch her aren't so much giving you advice as they are explaining what must happen; this isn't salvageable, and you can only make it worse.

Have your exit strategy and do not deviate from it when you communicate to her on no uncertain terms that it's over. Cut her out of your life.

Every second you take keeping her in your life, or imagining a future with her, is incontrovertibly wasted.

thisornothing · 2016-09-02T16:36:55+00:00

Walk away now. Completely sever contact and stand tall, knowing that you fought for yourself. You have value, and she's an idiot if she can't see that.

Don't give her an explanation, don't fight, just walk away. Tell her it's over and then just ride the fuck off into the sunset and have an amazing and awesome life.

fakeplastictrees87 · 2016-09-02T17:55:55+00:00

if home is yours, throw her stuff out and lock the doors. forget about that bitch. omg it makes me so furious just reading it. want to throw up. finish with her, that's the biggest form of disrespect in life.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2016-09-02T18:41:41+00:00

I am a psychologist myself so have the ability to have great insight.

If your "insight" isn't telling you that you need to dump this bitch, like, yesterday, then I am calling bullshit on your insight.

She's lied to you (a dumpable offense on its own) and she is, at the very least being an attention whore. But the truth is, she's not just being an attention whore. She is craving the D, and either has been fucking him the whole time, or will be again soon.

You also need to SIDEBAR like a motherfucker. Get this toxic lying-ass bitch out of your life, get your shit together and move the fuck on with ten other hotter women.

SexistFlyingPig · 2016-09-02T19:06:37+00:00

What advice are you looking for?

This situation is completely out of your control. It's a zombie relationship: it's dead, but it doesn't know it.

She just wants the other guy. He won't commit. You did.

SUCKER!

Take all her shit, put it in a storage locker. Pay for the first month of the storage locker. Give her the key to the storage locker.

Archwinger · 2016-09-02T21:13:33+00:00

Tell her it's not working out. Don't tell her you know. Don't give her any reason. Just tell her that things aren't working for you.

She'll cry, bitch, badger, and try to get you to give her closure. Don't. Just keep repeating the party line. You're done. Things aren't working out. You've already decided and aren't changing your mind.

Your "reason" is that you're done. Things aren't working out.

heartwotroleyou · 2016-09-02T21:14:17+00:00

As somebody that's gone through this a few times, let me tell you that no matter what happens, it is over. Even if she cuts off all communications with that guy and profusely apologizes either: 1. She will do it again in the future with somebody else -or- 2. You'll never be able to trust her ever again which will lead to a breakup (or both). This is guaranteed...I promise you.

I'm sorry bro, I know this stings but either she never considered you the perfect mate (and kept her options open), thereby using you as a placeholder or, she thought your were perfect but simply can not be trusted...ever. Whatever the reason is, it is over. It will never work.

Do yourself a favor and end it now instead of wasting years of your life. By the way, be prepared for a lot of begging, crying and apologizing. Women can be very convincing and you may even feel sorry for her and consider giving her a second chance. Just remember, if you fall for that you're delaying the inevitable.

Like everyone else said, hold your head up high and don't let her see you cry. You will regret it in the future.

W_O_M_B_A_T · 2016-09-03T00:22:31+00:00

Rule: never commit to a woman who talks to an ex in any fashion.

clearheadeddd · 2016-09-02T17:43:55+00:00

Wait until she leaves the house, pack all of her belongings in boxes in front of the house. Not on the porch but on your front yard. She might go apeshit and start banging on the doors and will probably try go break a window so be prepared for that, get video footage and all that for evidence, but for the most part just ignore the temper tantrum.

vorverk · 2016-09-02T18:14:13+00:00

Once you pull the plug, be prepared for extreme emotional roalercoaster in next few weeks. In that time you need to stay away of any contact from her and stay with your close friends. Please listen to guys on this sub. We've been throug the same. Resist the urge to do differently than guys here recommend.

2comment · 2016-09-02T19:53:10+00:00

Don't LTR girls still stuck on their exes. You wanna appear all non-jealous and the like, but the bottom line is if they're allowed to straddle branches, they will.

meh613 · 2016-09-02T20:28:47+00:00

She should be kicked out, her stuff moved to the sidewalk, locks changed and OP should go to the gym and start lifting. You've become beta bucks, not alpha fucks. In other words, hard next, no contact ever.

stonepimpletilists · 2016-09-02T17:25:25+00:00

start with self respect, answers will come

quicklogaccount · 2016-09-02T18:23:39+00:00

I'll be yet another one to tell you to get it over with. Man, don't try to save your relationship. It can't possibly be worth it.

Don't offer her explanations. She knows pretty damn well cheating is wrong, you don't need to be the one to teach her that. Explaining to her would only make sense if you felt like working it out, and you should never think of working this thing out.

soootrp · 2016-09-02T18:40:41+00:00

Low quality girl. You're 35 with a career ahead of you. I know it's hard to let go and you'll be wanting to go back to the status quo, but understand that she is not the girl you believed her to be. She is a girl who flirts (I'm being nice) with her ex and lies to you.

You don't want to reinforce this behavior.

sd4c · 2016-09-02T19:25:48+00:00

Just in case you are tempted to rationalize her behavior as merely lying, and not "cheating" because she wasn't caught red-handed sleeping with him:

Heartiste - Girls Who Lie

Character is destiny. A woman who lies about serious shit will not make a good long term girlfriend, wife or mother for anyone, so if you are a man looking for that you may want to streamline your dating efficiency and drop her like you would drop a bar serving pints in 14 ounce glasses. But don’t tell her exactly why you are leaving. As I wrote above:

Maxim #13: Calling a girl out on her lie accomplishes nothing.

Instead, cut through the ego bullshit and tell her the deeper truth — she is free to do whatever she wants with her life but you expect loyalty from the women you date. Say no more. Just stop calling.

Don't tell her why you're leaving. This won't change her. It will just make her a better cheater (she'll start deleting texts, using secret accounts or a scond phone, etc)

sd4c · 2016-09-02T19:30:58+00:00

Copypasta for the inevitable post delete when the OP takes her back:

Title: Found this text and am paralyzed. Need advice

I am a 35 year old male with a partner who cheated on me who is 32. -I am a psychologist myself so have the ability to have great insight. Doesn't mean in my own life I always do but with help of my own therapy through this I will add insights that are not soley based on my un-insightful thought process but will add the benefit of the insight I later gained which was often after the fact.

I found a phone bill that she had asked me to print out. I noticed a shit-load of texts and calls to a phone number that I asked her about that night. It turns out it was her ex-bf.

Now she broke up with her ex-bf 3 months before meeting me. I had also known openly that she remained in contact as she would travel often for work and she would leave her 3 dogs at his house to watch them for this last year of the relationship. I was fine with that, never jelous and she told me they remained friends. We almost lived together after 2 months so I wasn't even worried remotely about them spending time together as we spent almost all the time together unless she was out of town.

Well when I found this phone number, I went back and looked at the last 12 months of phone records and saw an insane amount of calls and texts to her ex for the past 12 months-since we had been together. Way more than any normal ex relationship. I read her texts on her phone and she was still sending him pictures and found out she had lied and met up with him on her birthday a few months back for lunch. She told me she was going out with a friend.

She confessed she had remained friends with him, never told him she was dating/living with a new guy and simply wanted a friendship with him. I was pretty upse. Here is the text

Her-Happy birthday-I cant believe it is a year since I have seen you

-Him-I still miss the way you taste-

-Her-Did you like my pics?

-Him-I want one of your pussy

-Her-That is for in-person only. I am still waiting on out second date-

-Him-well last time you met me, you left me for some other guy

-Her-lol-you know that's not true-I explained the situation

-Her-Don't worry I will send you more pics.

I about died.

raisins3142 · 2016-09-02T19:48:38+00:00

Not tolerable. End it. Go no contact. Women are so fucking selfish and mind fucked now more than ever.

tslextslex · 2016-09-02T19:13:17+00:00

This is over. In fact, it's been over and you just didn't know it.

This is awful, but it happens. Think of what comes next as a Civil War style amputation, where the only virtue is SPEED and a clean cut, but with the advantage that the limb will, in time, grow back.

Protect your legal rights (vis-a-vis your lease, common property, bank accounts, whatever may apply in your case) and be gone from this.

knightSwolaire · 2016-09-02T19:56:50+00:00

She was having you provide beta bux and potential security while getting tingles from her ex chad.

This relationship is over if you have any respect for yourself.

flatox · 2016-09-02T20:05:49+00:00

There's life for you. Only one way now.

stickfiguresk · 2016-09-03T02:02:55+00:00

She legit has had two boyfriends ya'lls entire relationship. You gotta hard re-wire your whole fucking set of priorities: she needs to be taken out of all of them. You know what advice you'd give somebody that's been fucked this hard? Follow that.

Continuing contact with this woman will not benefit you in any way. Do not linger, at all.

msminnamouse · 2017-02-11T06:21:22+00:00

You're a psychologist? Hmm. Must have gotten your paper from one of those diploma mills.

Kosnagoo · 2016-09-02T22:05:39+00:00

Come on y'all, this guy is a troll looking to just russle some jimmies and prevent you all from going into real therapy. Is the account name not a giveaway? This is good validation for all of you probably thinking, "What a fucking idiot, even I know to (insert textbook TRP advice here)".

maxisacatt · 2016-09-03T04:04:22+00:00

Why do people say am instead of I'm? It drives me crazy

SoRedSuchAlpha · 2016-09-02T17:46:22+00:00

Unlike a lot of guys here, I don't think cheating is an automatic deal-breaker. Sometimes it's worth forgiving someone who cheated.

This is not one of those times.

Title	Found this text and am paralyzed. Need advice
Author	scottredler
Upvotes	58
Comments	116
Date	September 2, 2016 3:45 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/50tv2e/found_this_text_and_am_paralyzed_need_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/found-this-text-and-am-paralyzed-need-advice.270 https://theredarchive.com/post/270

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