Girlfriend hangs with ex

DonaldBaelish · 2017-03-27T14:38:50+00:00

Morals aside , do you really want to put up with this?

So now we're dating they still talk a little. I was straight up and told her it made me uncomfortable and she cut back but now I noticed they still text.

Recently she went and hung out with him

Do you? There are way too many women out there that cook and fuck.

I have boundaries , mate. I don't like such behaviour. So do you. You even stated it , remember? You told her you were uncomfortable? Your girlfriend is as honest as you not having oneitis.

El_Serpiente_Roja · 2017-03-27T14:41:51+00:00

Next before you get too invested, trust me.

Il128 · 2017-03-27T14:41:40+00:00

If you're comfortable lapping some other guys spunk out of your girl's crotch then stay in this relationship.

TattedGuyser · 2017-03-27T15:25:38+00:00

There's quite a lot of red flags going on here.

She broke up with her ex of like 2 years and ended things civilly - However she has remained friends with him

Sounds like a fuck buddy situation.

Recently she went and hung out with him...

Gotta create that comfortable situation where he's around as an orbiter... Just in case.

she wants to remain in contact with someone who was there for her during the hardest time in her life (mom passing)

Nothing like having that constant reminder of how comfortable/perfect your ex was for you because of the things they did. Kind of reminds you of those chicks who still hang out with their baby daddies.

In those situations the girlfriend was being sketchy about it. And it was obvious that in those relationships one party still strongly loved the other one.

This is call hindsight, and it's always 20/20.

And honestly I know I am better than this ex in every way.

It's not what you know, it's what she believes at the very moment. Have a fight? Where do you think she's going to go. Go out of town, who do you think she's gonna hang with?

Archwinger · 2017-03-27T20:48:54+00:00

Let me explain this without the benefit of your girlfriend goggles.

LTR of 9 months.

You've been with a girl for 9 months. Barely enough to know shit about whether she's actually girlfriend-worthy.

Everything is going great. Girlfriend has proven that she is very trustworthy. Never hides anything and places huge emphasis on trust.

You have yet to catch your girlfriend being shitty because she is really good at hiding it.

She broke up with her ex of like 2 years and ended things civilly. They both just didn't work out. However she has remained friends with him.

She got dumped. Girls don't remain in contact with losers that they dump.They say they'll still be friends but then ghost or flake on their loser ex-boyfriends because they're not actually serious about that friend thing. That was just to let him down easy.

But when a guy they still long for dumps them, they'll remain in contact with him.

Mainly because her mom passed while they were dating and he was there for her.

Her ex-boyfriend is still emotionally significant to her. If her ex-boyfriend was a total loser who also happened to be a source of support when her mom died, do you think she'd be pining over what a great friend he is?

So now we're dating they still talk a little. I was straight up and told her it made me uncomfortable and she cut back but now I noticed they still text.

You told her that something she was doing made you uncomfortable. She verbally acknowledged your words (e.g., "I'll cut back") but continued to communicate with him just like before.

Recently she went and hung out with him. She actually told me upfront and I kind of just played it off as whatever.

She shit-tested you. She outright flaunted, "I know you don't want me to hang out with my ex, but fuck you and your boundaries. I'm going to anyway to see if you're man enough to actually hold me to your boundaries." You shrugged and said whatever, which is a decent start, but then you didn't kick her to the curb.

She believes that if I'm secure with our relationship than I shouldn't worry at all.

She's continuing the shit test. "If you are a 'real man' and if you really care about me, you won't try to 'control' who I hang out with."

We talked more about this after she said that she wants to remain in contact with someone who was there for her during the hardest time in her life (mom passing) so I couldn't really argue with that.

During that difficult time for her, he was her rock. Her man. Her guidepost. She still remembers that. She still longs for that.

I'm telling you, dude, she got dumped and is staying in this guy's orbit, not the other way around. If Fatty Pointdexter McGee, the smelly school nerd was there for her when her mom died, would she be running out on you to meet him for lunch because he's just such a great friend? Fuck no. But if it's the ex that dumped her? You bet.

I've read previous redpill posts about this and of course every response was to end it.

Here's the part where you're about to say that you know better than all of the men here.

But here's the difference.

Hahahahaha!

In those situations the girlfriend was being sketchy about it. And it was obvious that in those relationships one party still strongly loved the other one.

Your girlfriend, who still considers her ex very emotionally significant in her life, and who continued to contact him even after you made your position clear, is acting sketchy by doing this. Normal girls in normal relationships don't go on dates with their ex. She still longs for him.

In this case they both mutually ended it.

He dumped her.

My gf has been nothing but honest and has even straight up showed me their texts to each other. Nothing inappropriate and strictly friend talk.

That you were shown, anyway. And really, that just means that her ex isn't flirting back. At least not currently or not via text message.

And honestly I know I am better than this ex in every way.

Your opinion isn't what matters to your girlfriend.

So my question is do I end it?

Nah. But don't move in with her. Don't over-invest. Keep fucking her as long as the fucking's good. And keep meeting other women. Move on when you find a better one. This girl isn't special. She's not the one for you. She's just a good place to put your dick while you're looking for a better woman.

Sensei_Hensei · 2017-03-27T16:15:42+00:00

That's not good...and she used the "if you were secure" line to shame you...move on..this is not a good situation to be in

Talk to one of your ex and text her constantly..see how secure she is

TryhardPantiesON · 2017-03-27T15:45:26+00:00

Men and women are not friends. He only pretends to be her friend because he wants to get into her sugar walls.

And she is not keeping him as friend, she is keeping him as a back up plan.

Don't put up with that, tell her she either cuts him of, or you cut her off. There is no middle ground here.

Ernestwellington · 2017-03-27T15:41:18+00:00

Alright thank you friends, I know to end it. But my question is how to go about doing it? We talked about this yesterday so if I end it now she'll know it was because of that. Or should I wait a few days and then end it by just saying "it's not working out" with no real reason. ..Or does it even fucking matter?

brinkleybuzz · 2017-03-27T18:18:01+00:00

Why do you call this chick your girlfriend? To earn that title, she has to value your commitment so much that she wouldn't dare do anything that would risk losing it. Obviously not the case in this situation.

If she's acting like a plate, make her one.

Ernestwellington · 2017-03-28T01:48:53+00:00

Update: It's over. Thanks bros.

Autonomy_Economy · 2017-03-27T17:35:41+00:00

I'll weigh in on this bc I was in the exact same situation recently.

My LTR of 3.5 years started becoming unhappy, just generally speaking. Looking back I know it was partially due to my giving her EVERYTHING she asked for and needed, and there was absolutely no dread and no reason for her to try.

Wonderful person she was, a hornless unicorn I suppose, but she was quite damaged from childhood sexual abuse, and I didn't realize just how damaged until the last few months before I ended things with her. I was her first dick, but she had a very close bond with her first boyfriend who was there for her in highschool when she went through a bunch of traumatic shit - court appearances, moving out at 16, etc. Because of this, when she started becoming unhappy, she started hanging out with him on a weekly basis. They would do "running dates", and would sometimes have dinner together. At this point you're reading this going "holy fuck dude red flag NEXT", and it didn't make me uncomfortable...until she started drinking at his place. Both of them developing alcoholics, and she would get too drunk to make it home (though I hear taxi's and ubers exist soo...dafuq?)

When this started happening, I immediately told her it made me uncomfortable, and she told me she wouldn't do it any more. Low and behold though...she kept doing it. She would walk in the next morning head hanging low, looking miserable and ashamed, and who was the blue pill fuck to reluctantly welcome her back in? ME. (also, never move in with a LTR unless you both have your shit together blahblahblah).

After a couple weeks of this, I had had enough, and told her she needed to move out. Her tune changed so quickly and I immediately had all the power. It felt good, but also shitty because this was a woman I loved and I had to move on.

Several months later, I'm completely content with the decision to next. She even dropped by unannounced the other day to say she wants to work on our relationship, go see counselling, etc. I held frame, and told her it wasn't happening. I told her I wasn't going to let her pull me down into her vortex of alcohol abuse and emotional annihilation.

TL;DR you need to look out for your own well-being above all else. If you're not comfortable and happy in your relationship, then you need to change something. Most of the time, that means leaving.

7Fig · 2017-03-27T22:45:20+00:00

You're literally rationalizing your way into letting her cuck you out while she blows her old bf. He can giver her the tingles in a way you can't.

walawalawa · 2017-03-27T17:19:41+00:00

Ok...share this story because it's fresh.

Girl I was seeing for 9 months, banging every week...started to display overly clingy needy behaviours. I had to keep her in constant check with Soft-nexts...

She started to become "friends" with 2 of my "friends"...one guy is kind of an acquaintance, the other is a thirsty beta I never thought for a minute would ever have a chance with her so I ignored.

But...she started triangulating the relationship: when I soft-nexted...she would go on little "Dates" with these guys...I found out once and was ready to end it...she begged me to stay. She either toned it down or wasn't so obvious in it.

The other guy was just a thirsty beta...at one point he wanted to pull her for drinks while I was with her. She kind of looked at me...

But little did I know....all these beta orbiters were more than just "friends" they were potential rebounders.

So she has a melt-down by text one day, calls me every name in the book---on the pretext I didn't use the flyer she made for one of my events. She says "I'm out"---I take that as a break up. I respond "k". She writes some nasty stuff. That was 3 months ago, haven't spoken to her since. She's stalked, chased, written nasty stuff.

But that's all background. The "orbiter" tells me he took her out one night, got her drunk and she threw herself at him. I'm trying to control myself listening blandly. I tell him dude don't be shitting where you eat. He says he's not in touch...lie.

A few weeks later I'm at a party with an HB8 I met...but orbiter and my ex are chatting away...later dancing.

So dude...this stuff...walk away. if it makes you feel uncomfortable, you've set boundaries. If this is bothering you. Walk away. She WILL rebound to ex....just have an escape plan when you do so you're not left with your dick in your hand.

As a PS to this whole story. Beta orbiter sees me in the washroom of a party, starts trying make small talk. I ignore him. He starts following me, asking what's wrong. I tell him all good, bye. He texts me saying he's a friend, he has my back and it's always bros before ho's.

I must say...I'd been keeping relatively cool this whole 3 months. I responded with "Fuck off you duplicitous piece of shit".

I felt better. But all this could have been avoided had I simply dumped her back when I first discovered the "Friends"...who weren't really "Friends" at all.

An ex in the back ground, some orbiter who takes dance lessons with her...all the same.

Andrew54321 · 2017-03-27T18:39:29+00:00

Relationship is over. Start indefinite dread game.

asktrpthrow123 · 2017-03-27T19:36:19+00:00

My ex used to hang out with her first ex. I know there was nothing going on but I'm not interested in the man who's cock she had down her throat at some point to still be in the picture.

You can call me insecure, but I'd never get into an LTR with a girl who still keeps regular contact with her ex. Fuck that noise. It's disrespectful to your relationship.

evilkenevil · 2017-03-27T21:48:06+00:00

No no no no NO! Ghost her.

You're getting cucked and you don't even realize it.

BusterVadge · 2017-03-27T15:32:56+00:00

You need to be stronger than "it makes me uncomfortable". "no girl of mine will stay in contact with an ex" is a stronger frame and clearly establishes that boundary.

The fuckup here is completely on you for not establishing a boundary and being weak. It's too late to change than now.

quicklogaccount · 2017-03-27T18:13:15+00:00

I'm going to be supportive here.
As long as you don't fool yourself and remain capable of leaving if things get out of hand, she's as good as many.

You can be simple about it. If your exclusive girlfriend shows sexual openness to guys, she will cheat on you. Enjoy your ride, demote, make her a fuckbuddy, whatever, but don't fucking bond. Keep your emotional welfare out of her hands.
If she doesn't show sexual openness to guys, she might cheat on you if a skilled player comes along.

If your girl shows sexual openness towards her ex (many girls do, it's reciprocal by standard and it empowers them a lot), you know the deal. Downgrade, make her a fuckbuddy, but don't rely your emotional welfare on her.
If she's closed to him, she's as good as she can be. Girls that are shut close suddenly open for no apparent reason, for their exes or not.

speed3_freak · 2017-03-27T22:19:42+00:00

I was the ex. I broke up with my gf after 7 years because I decided I wasn't ready for marriage (boy am I glad I did that). We still saw each other and talked for several years after we broke up, occasionally sleeping together. Regardless of what you've read here, I hung out with her because she was fun to hang out with and we'd had almost a decade of history together. We were friends that would sometimes bump uglies when neither of us were seeing someone else. She started dating a guy and we kept seeing each other and talking to each other for almost a year after they'd been dating. We didn't sleep together a single time during that period. Her boyfriend met me a couple of times, and we got along, but after that year he told her that he couldn't ever get serious with someone who kept in good touch with an ex. She talked to me, I said I would feel the same if I were in his shoes, and that was almost the last time we spoke. They're married now, and I'm happy for them. We spoke for about 30 minutes when her father died, and I called her when the dog we'd gotten together died.

What I'm saying is that if you really think you have something with this chick, tell her you couldn't be serious with her if she keeps talking to her ex. If she gives you lip or gets mad, tell her you understand, but the LTR needs to take a break. Then plate her.

Iguessthisismynameno · 2017-03-27T23:27:38+00:00

Come on man. You know what's up here.

ButtslamAntifas1488 · 2017-03-27T19:54:54+00:00

Set up a situation where you slam her at her place, play her out for anal then afterwards, get up and say you're going to the bathroom to clean up but actually lock the bathroom door from the inside and sneak out the bathroom window. Delete and block her on everything and ghost until she comes crawling back on your terms.

slinger-rpta · 2017-03-27T20:28:03+00:00

Is this something you will want to deal with in the future?

nastynickdr · 2017-03-27T21:02:54+00:00

Im going to copy and paste a reply i gave to another topic.

Lets say something is a deal-breaker for you in a LTR. For example, your LTR wanting to "keep in touch with her ex". You decided, for your own reasons, that you arent going to be in a relationship with someone who keeps in touch with her ex. Then your LTR hits you with:

H: "Hey, I ran into my ex at the supermarket and he wants to meet me tomorrow at the cofee shop to "catch things up".

Y: "Cool, but my girl doesnt keep in touch with her exes."

H: "Why cant I go? Dont you trust me? Hes just a friend! Stop controlling me!"

Y: "Sweetie, im not saying you cant go. Im just saying that my girl doesnt keep in touch with her exes".

Then, its up to her to go or not. You cant and you shouldnt try to control her. She goes, you show her the door. Its her choice to be friends with her exes or not, its your choice to be in a relationship with a woman who is friends with her exes or not.

TxnyMontana · 2017-03-27T22:47:36+00:00

Hey Bro, I've reading all the comments on this post and all the advices are ok.

Keep in mind that having boundaries has nothing to do with being insecure if you keep the frame of no reaction (as you mentioned you did). If you told her that you dont feel confortable with her making x thing and she still does, it's a red flag.

The boundaries must be established so that, if she does what makes you feel uncomfortable, she must know that there will be consequences in that act. So don't be afraid to express your disappointment.

I know it's hard to break up for something like this, because you said the girl is trustworthy, and let's be clear:She did not do something that requires an immediate separation. Trust your guts on this one, but make yourself clear about to her with this issue. Keep an abundance mindset when you talk to her about this, she will feel it.

PD: Cook is great to you? try this: when evaluating a girl think on, "besides sex, what does she give to me?" and cooking is obviously not an answer. the answer will help you to decide if you have to break up or not.

MrAnderzon · 2017-03-27T22:59:40+00:00

AWALT

Yozki · 2017-03-27T23:35:56+00:00

I went trough something similar, ex of 7 years, "best friend", etc. And like you I ignored everybody here and thought since she was being honest it was different, and I tried to be OK with the whole thing since I was in love.
The thing is, I was never OK with the situation and It was a cause of anxiety for months, it ended up causing fights constantly until she made the decision to cut him off, she blocked him and told me she'd never talk to him or see him again. And has since apologized, but the fact that it took her a while to cut him off will always be something that angers me, I know she didn't cheat because of some texts that I found, but it still hurts when I think about it.
I wish I had the balls back then to break up with her, and hell, even now, years later, I know It was fucked up and should probably break up with her but I tell myself she's good enough in every other aspect. I tell myself I will never put myself trough that again.

Be better than me, tell her to fuck off with that shit.

LordThunderbolt · 2017-03-29T12:58:43+00:00

I like how u guys always start with the same hamstering: "My LTR is perfect in every way, she respects me, and I trust her. But last week she came home late with a limp and the next day we couldnt fuck because her pussy was swollen for some reason"

Stop lying to yourself. You know this girl is bad news. Demote her to permanent plate status. They will always try to shame you and blame your insecurity. Her purpose is to further her own sexual strategy, she's not on your side. She's only looking out for herself. By shaming u into submission, she gets to have the liberty of doing what she wants. The broad isn't on your team. Remember that we're all individuals and our self interest is what comes first. There is no US, only you and her. You're two separate people and she has her own agenda. Don't project your own moral compass on to her, she's not you and she won't behave like you. She's for sure fucking her ex. Trust me man, you're not the first guy to experience this.

bugoutbag69 · 2017-03-27T21:46:19+00:00

she was never yours it was just your turn. She just showed you that this was the case. Now you can walk away knowing it.

3rt41 · 2017-03-28T08:08:47+00:00

Tells her it mades him uncomfortable

She texts and hangs out with him

Do you need anything more?

1Maverick1 · 2017-03-27T23:13:42+00:00

There are some deeper things to try and understand here.

-Any woman who still talks to her ex generally still finds some level of attraction to them. This should be of concern. Main reason is because it is then possible that whatever you are currently doing in the relationship is not as fulfilling as the last one.

-You are sort of up against history too. The fact that there is some pretty significant writing on the wall with her and her ex, you will have to spice things up a lot more (provided you have the means to do so).

-The last thing that I can think of too is that if the ex still lives in the nearby location, and she can easily meet him. Then every time she hangs out with him for lunch or whatever, she will be reminded of their time together and also there will be the thought of still possible memories in the future.

I can say though that, you could step up your game: -Find a new hobby that is/makes you more appealing not to just her but to many people -Slowly alter the relationship a bit in a healthy way. You can start going to new restaurants with her and be entertaining. But keep in mind that you are doing that for yourself too. -Or start chatting to other women. This will do two things. 1) Make her reconsider her friendship with her ex and possibly she will end it, or she will realize that that's what she wants or something else closer to it. 2) Take your mind off of this and you will realize you are a straight pimp.

Title	Girlfriend hangs with ex
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	20
Comments	63
Date	March 27, 2017 2:35 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/61shv1/girlfriend_hangs_with_ex/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/girlfriend-hangs-with-ex.216258 https://theredarchive.com/post/216258

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