What does a HV relationship looks like

vestilent · 2020-04-11T04:28:54+00:00

This is actually my first time commenting on this sub, so bear with me here.

1) I think what stood out to me the most when I first got with my fiancé is that he was not scared to match me emotionally. I try to be a very direct person and say what I’m feeling. He does the same. There were no “games” where he would hang out with the boys and ignore me for hours. If I texted him “I miss you, hope you’re having a good time!” He would send me a text back in 1-2 hours with “I am! Miss you though! Can’t wait to see you!” I value that honesty and it resonates throughout our entire relationship: finances, work, school, family.

A specific example is that he was talking to a girl before we started dating and when she started hitting him up again he told me immediately. He was scared that I would think he responded to her and offered to show me the messages and to block her completely.

2) Our relationship progressed very quickly, and a lot of people said things to him behind my back about how they thought he was making a mistake. All of his friends and most of his co-workers (save a few that I also knew) said that he should break up with me and that he was distracted by the sex and the luster of a new relationship. My own father asked if he “really wanted one pussy for the rest of his life”. Despite all of that he never wavered.

3) He is such an active listener. He wants to know about my childhood and my thoughts on music, TV shows, books. It’s not that he puts up with me, like I felt a lot of guys did, he’ll ask insightful questions, follow-up with conversations about what I’m learning in school. He is never satisfied with what he knows about me and my thoughts.

These are very specific to my relationship, but they stand out to me as what I appreciate most, so I hope they’re helpful!

sophrosyne2189 · 2020-04-11T07:01:03+00:00

[deleted]

YarikEnterprise · 2020-04-11T05:57:34+00:00

I hear my words in his mouth.

If you stop and really think about the relationships you've been in and the men you know, how many times have you not only had a guy change his viewpoint/actions based on something you said, but then go around telling other people about it and encouraging them in that direction too? He isn't a passive man. He's intelligent and stubborn and driven, and he listens to me and integrates my views into his life because he truly and genuinely respects me. As funny as it is to say, given the example... it isn't just lip service.

allyfiorido · 2020-04-11T06:45:41+00:00

He thinks constantly about how his actions affect you, takes a genuine intrest in your work/studies/hobbies. He does little things for you (my bf is an early riser and I like to sleep in, so when I wake up, he comes back to bed to cuddle with me so I can have the experience of "waking up with him"). He tells you he loves you all the time. He does 99% of the housework, despite the fact I offer to help. Doesn't pressure you for sex. You feel totally confortable around him at all times. Just some things off the top of my head.

TiredFred · 2020-04-11T09:08:07+00:00

Read this article - very good and true.

https://markmanson.net/relationship-advice

1,500 PEOPLE GIVE ALL THE RELATIONSHIP ADVICE YOU’LL EVER NEED

Basically respect is the key item. If he doesn’t respect you then he won’t really care what you want or think or say.

How do you know he respects you? This is tricky! Paying attention to if he listens and takes on your ideas. Stops when you say ‘stop’. Knows what you like.

longmaysherain · 2020-04-11T07:32:51+00:00

It doesn’t feel forced. I don’t have to justify why I’m with him or his behavior. I was with a LVM for 6 years before I eventually met my husband. I felt like so much of my time spent in that relationship was me attempting to justify why I was in it and that it wasn’t as bad as it really was. I don’t know however, if I would have appreciated my husband nearly as much as I do now if I had not been through that very challenging LVM experience. Looking back now it’s hard not to get angry with myself for wasting that kind of time on a dead end relationship. Now I know that nothing is worth that.

No relationship/marriage is ever going to be perfect, but finding the right man for you certainly makes it darn close. We rarely have conflict or strife in our marriage because we are such a complement to one another. This is vastly different than my past relationships with LVMs in that they actively sought conflict in order to control or otherwise dominate me.

10 years has gone by and it feels like a new relationship and a very long one all at the same time. It’s difficult to describe I guess. Our marriage has been rather effortless and just comes naturally. That is a complete 180 from being with someone who emotionally drains you and actively builds upon your insecurities. The differences between a HVM and a LVM could not be more glaring to me at least. I hope this answers some of your questions without me writing a full on diatribe.

circescircus · 2020-04-11T13:26:41+00:00

Disclaimer: I've only been partnered for 2 years, and married very recently. So by no means, am I an expert on relationships nor do I think I've found my happily ever after in a delusional way. I try to be humble, and I always seek to learn more things.

What I have discovered so far...

- Dating was easy, pleasant and simple. We looked forward to spending time together and learning more about each other. Basically defined the relationship right away. He never played games, was high effort from the beginning, never turned on me or left a trail of red flags for me to decipher. I have to emphasize how SIMPLE it was. All I really had to do was show up and be myself.

- We hit relationship milestones naturally, it was never a struggle, again... it was simple. He was/is more into me than I was/am into him-- and I really believe that when men want you, they have no problem bringing up relationship milestones themselves.

- Life in quarantine with him for example, is peaceful and happy. We thankfully are still employed and have savings, and no kids, so not really many sources of stress or conflict. Although we still worry about what is happening at large in general. Our lives didn't change that much in quarantine. We hang out at home, watch movies, have a lot of sex, cook, work from home, etc.

- He supports my goals and dreams. We share some common interests, but we mostly have 70% different interests. We give each other space and time to pursue our individual hobbies. He respects my interests and always supports me, and I do the same for him. He is my cheerleader.

- He doesn't expect me to do all of the domestic tasks. If the sink is full of dishes, he starts loading the dishwasher etc.

- He doesn't cramp my style. He supports me but gets out of my way.

+ We can talk about heavy/serious/adulting things without being anxious. We talk about finances/money, family relations, our sex life etc without problems.

+ We are both really grateful for what we have and constantly express that to each other.

+ It's important to him that my family likes him and respects him, he tries hard to impress my parents. His family also loves me, and he is really happy that I get along so well with his family.

+ We've never had a "fight", as in yelling at each other or stonewalling. We have arguments a couple of times a year. By a couple I mean literally 2-3 arguments that are a few minutes long. We make up a few minutes-hours later, where we discuss why we argued, how we feel/what we think. He has made me really angry a few times, and the longest I've avoided him was 4-5 hours before we made up. He can't stay mad at me for more than 20 minutes.

GirlsAloud27 · 2020-04-11T05:42:07+00:00

Speaking for my own relationship, he does household tasks without being asked or reminded. I wake up and he already did the dishes from the night before (i don’t care when they are done, as long as they are done) and made my daughter (not his daughter) breakfast. I don’t eat breakfast, but he has my coffee ready too. He always puts effort and wears a tie to my family dinners/holidays/celebrations, even tho his family usually dresses down and he doesn’t dress nice for their stuff. But for me he does it

jayda92 · 2020-04-11T09:59:13+00:00

He wants to see me often and likes to talk about our future together. He expresses that he is looking forward to it, often, without ever love bombing me. He let's me do my own thing. He doesn't judge me right away but hears me out about something and paraphrases my thoughts afterwards to see if he understands me completely or that he's wrong. He let's me correct him when he is wrong without being a pussy or a push over. When we have different ideas about something we can laugh about it and talk about finding an in-between. My family likes him and he would love it if we could live nearby any of our parents. He makes me feel like a lady, even when I feel very unladylike. He has nice stuff but doesn't flaunt. We like expensive activities but we definitely go cheap sometimes too and have equally as much fun. We go out to learn or experience each others hobbies; sometimes we discover something new and sometimes we have to conclude that we're world's apart and that that will be a solo/friend activity from now on. His mother likes me, she and I used to share the same profession. My bf and I share the same goals and values. He is planning on proposing soon, so that we can move in together.. We quarantined together though! That was good practice for living together, so we know that that works good as well. I'm happy. I feel loved and wanted.

WhoopassDiet · 2020-04-11T19:07:34+00:00

Let me just add my answer, compared to my previous relationship.

My LVM man I had to ask to do everything. Do the dishes, and he'd usually do the dishes. Not putting them away, occasionally not even the pots and pans. Just the dishes.

My HVM just does his part of the housekeeping (I do the dishes now, though). Things just get dusted, without me noticing. And when I ask him to something extra, he does it, and cleans up after himself.

The LVM would do stuff for himself all the time. We lived in the same house, and he'd disappear. Either gaming upstairs, or just out, without saying a word. He'd get annoyed if I showed any interest in what he was doing, he'd get annoyed at my meddling.

The HVM constantly let's me be involved in his life. Not in a "asking permission" way, but just "hey honey, I'm going to do [thing], wanna join?" or at the moment "do you mind if some friends and me go play a videogame from noon till dinner?" and when the answer is "uhm, you were going to make risotto?" he just wraps up at 4pm instead of 5pm, without issue.

The LVM would NOT get me. Wouldn't realize if I was happy or sad or annoyed. I would literally have "you are making me angry" and "I'm sad right now". I even had to point out "I didn't like you leaving when we were watching a movie, it made me feel like you don't care about me". And he'd just get upset at my weird choice to get angry over that.

The HVM occasionally says things like "so I was thinking that while we're at the pet store, we could drive back via the 2nd hand store and check out the... And you think that's a terrible idea." He pays attention to me, and can somehow see my mood even when I think I'm keeping a neutral face. It's awesome.

The LVM and I would fight over the smallest things, because he could not communicate. All he did was constantly repeat himself and tell me that was the best way because it was. There was no give or take or compromise. Our pettiest argument was over the TV volume being on 6 or 8. I suggested 7 as a compromise, but no. It has to be 8.

The HVM and I still disagree over stuff, but we can talk about it, present arguments, and if we really can't find the same position, we can compromise. We had a discussion over future savings and investment. It's a serious and important argument, and we have some fundamentally different opinions. We're also both adults, and money is divisible, so we reached a compromise. It took all of 45 minutes start to finish.

The LVM was so self-centered. I'd show him an article on a women's issue, and he'd go "so?". I'd show him a funny meme that makes a random guy look slightly bad, and he'd get personally offended. I could tell him about work or classes, and he'd be "I would have said [thing]".

The HVM will show me memes from my line of work that he doesn't always get, but assumes might be funny to me. He listen to me when I talk, and tries to understand my work and hobbies, even if he doesn't share them. When I need to vent, he just listens and acknowledges my feelings.

The LVM needed space, but never gave me any. He could do whatever he wanted, when he wanted, but my time was secondary, unless it was with him. Hobbies were fine, if they were with him.

The HVM realizes I need my me-time. I love the sauna, he tolerates it. So when I go "I want to go for a spa day" he'll reply with "do you want me to drop you off? Ok, cool have fun love! Are you home before or after dinner?"

questionsaboutrel521 · 2020-04-11T15:31:31+00:00

This is a small thing with so many great comments in this thread, but I really am noticing HVM love to plan dates. They make an effort.

I’m using this as an example since we’re in quarantine (and it is safe... we live walking distance, are exclusive, etc.), but last night he proposed pizza and a specific movie. When I got there, he had already fixed me a plate with pizza and salad, got out a frosted glass for a beer (he had gotten sour beer for me, which I know was for me since he doesn’t like them), and had the movie ready to play. It’s not rocket science or about spending a million dollars, just a level of effort that I know he cares about making an evening together.

So often, I think, women in modern dating situations are being asked to just “come over” or get drinks, not really being put in a situation to learn about each other and enjoy someone’s company.

Queen_Evergreen · 2020-04-11T12:17:27+00:00

It feels easy. It feels like I am living my life but with a great partner. Life never feels like it’s all about him or our family. No obsession.

The big differences between my HV marriage and previous LV attempts: - he likes himself. Takes care of his grooming. Has a style. Without it being obsessive. He shines his leather shoes. Takes care of his golf clubs. But he doesn’t obsess. If something is in the wash, he grabs another sweater. If Something beloved gets broken, it’s sad but quickly moved on. - he sees me and other women as whole people. Lot the sum of parts. I’ve never heard him comment about anyone having a good body part or whatever. If someone is good looking they are “gorgeous” and not picked apart. Has a good relationship with mother and sisters, wives of his friends and is still in touch with women friends from the past but in a very casual almost Christmas card-y way. All of his previous girlfriends are described as “lovely” or “nice” never “crazy”. Even if they were. - it was serious fast and there was a steep leveling up from casually dating to basically being married (prior to getting engaged) and it was marked by him taking over as provider (I was a student) and him wanting to. The conversation went something like “how about we spend my money and you save yours.” No game playing or doubt. And having that baseline assumption about me. -leaves me to friends, activities and interests that he isn’t into. Encourages me to go out and do things that I find interesting. Listens when I talk and I will hear things repeated that I said when he talks to others. -he has great control over moods. He never takes anything out on anybody. If he’s very stressed he gets rather quiet. But always musters up energy to engage with our kid and greet me with a kiss.

Continuing complaints:

This basically boils down to self issues. Being in a good relationship that lasts for years covers so much of your own growth that your own issues come up. Sometimes you want to jerk and pull relationships to be something more or you have complaints that are just out of bounds (Beyond a realistic scope for anyone to achieve). Sex and intimacy ebb and flow with stresses of life. Stresses that you each may feel very differently so maintaining a sense of self love and interests beyond your relationship is crucial. Your relationship become something you can rely on. You invest in and this, can engage with other parts of your life without fear that when you’re not looking he will disappear.

Siljert · 2020-04-11T13:58:58+00:00

For one, he respects the hell out of me ❤ i can always say my opinion, and he will have a grown up response to it instead of calling me stupid or some shit like that. He tells me i'm a good mom all the time, if I ask him what he is thinking about he will acutally tell me instead of saying "just some stupid shit", because he knows I have a issue with that from previous relationships. And a lot of other stuff that is really sweet, like if I put on a blanket, he will go and make me a cup of tea, because I only put on a blanket if i'm really cold ❤ When we fight, there is no shouting, it's a calm and collected discussion, and we always come to a agreement of some sort, even if it is to agree to disagree (sounds cliché-ish, but its true) And i feel loved every second of every day, even if he is mad as hell, he will tell me he still loves me. Communication is key in other words I do all the things i have mentioned here for him as well, like if he is grumpy, i will make him a quick snack, or when he is super absorbed in his work, I can see that he needs a break sometimes, and tell him to go take a break, since he cannot recognize it himself sometimes. It's supposed to feel easy to be with someone, it's not supposed to be a struggle every day, and even if you have big fights you're not supposed to be afraid to voice your opinion. Your "perfect" relationship may look a bit different from mine since we are different people, but you always have to feel respected and loved.

Ink3dmama · 2020-04-11T16:15:36+00:00

We’re engaged and have been together 3.5 years.

He respects my intelligence and values my opinion. He always comes to me with questions about current events and other topics because he genuinely wants to know my thoughts. He’s not intimidated by my mind in the least, unlike literally every single LVM I’ve ever been with (including my ex husband). In fact it’s one of the main things he “brags” about regarding me.

He’s never raised his voice to me. He’s never spoken disrespectfully to me in any way, shape, or form. Even during an disagreement when he’s clearly frustrated/upset, he’s always calm and respectful. We rarely argue but when do have a disagreement, he never tries to prove he’s right or “win” his focus is on fixing the issue and figuring out together how to avoid it in the future.

He tries to anticipate my needs and find ways to ease my burdens. Like, he’ll notice I have a tire going flat, so he’ll take my van and get that fixed, top off the tank, and if it’s needing an oil change he’ll schedule one and take it in for me (I work nights and every weekend, so he knows finding time for that stuff can be hard for me). I have four kids from my previous marriage and if I mention having lots of appointments etc coming up he’ll ask which ones he can take them to (some I need to be present at myself) so I’m not overwhelmed.

He loves my kids like his own and they all adore him and have a great relationship with him (they’re 9, 12, 14, and 18). He’s fully invested in their lives, comes to all their parent teacher conferences, school functions, gives them advice, etc. Even my kids’ friends all love him. We got engaged back in December and I asked my kids if they were excited to have him as their stepdad and they all said “oh we already think of him as our stepdad, this just makes it official.” Family time is a priority to him and we all spend a lot of time together.

He cares about the people that I care about. He’s friendly with my good friends and their spouses/partners. He regularly asks me how they’re doing and remembers what I tell him because he actually cares. He also knows I’m an introvert and so are my closest friends so he’ll encourage me to set up a lunch date or something if I say we haven’t gotten together in awhile. He loves to spend as much time with me as he can, but he also knows it’s important that I maintain my friendships.

Lots more but this is getting long already lol.

eng2fly · 2020-04-11T11:54:04+00:00

It’s still a new (ish) relationship so take what I’m saying with a grain of salt that being said it’s been close to 6 months plus a pandemic together, I’m doubtful he’s hiding anything at this point.

Like many of us I’ve had extensive experience with LVM because I was a huge pickme 🤡

He puts me first in everything, always. Going out to eat? He’ll defer to what I want if we’re split. If I’m torn between two meals he’ll order the second one I want as his so I can have both. I wasn’t a fan of a minor thing at his house, made one comment about it. Next time I came over he’d changed it.

He supports me. He supports my career, my goals, and my hobbies. I’ve gotten really into a collecting hobby and keep a lot of it at his place due to my living situation right now. It takes up some space. He doesn’t blink an eye and supports it because it brings me stress relief.

He’s emotionally mature. Even in minor things if he thinks he’s been snappy or there’s a chance I’ve misunderstood him he’ll take the time to tell me his intention was X or he’s sorry he was short and it’s wrong. He fully owns up to his mistakes and corrects his actions. Things he’s told me will never happen again have never happened again. If something is bothering me we can talk about it. I told him I needed more verbal validation from him, he now tells me good morning/goodnight beautiful every day without fail.

There is no question where I stand in this relationship. There’s no snooping through his phone, catching him on tinder, finding him in lies. I don’t clean up after him or have to remind him to do things.

He’s clean, has good hygiene, is considerate, and conscientious. All of my friends and family adore him. It’s a world of difference from my experience with LVM. I’m not a hollow shell of myself eaten up and beaten down by narcissist manipulative LVM.

They’re out there and they are absolutely worth weeding through the trash for. Alternatively single life can be just as rewarding.

queendorkus · 2020-04-11T04:42:47+00:00

I look forward to the answers for this!

mandoa_sky · 2020-04-11T10:22:20+00:00

i have a real life model in my parents. my mum may be a stay at home mum (by choice) but theirs is a genuine partnership. my dad also does his fair share of cleaning and cooking (he actually likes to cook now and again).

Fitncurly · 2020-04-11T20:51:15+00:00

I get to relax a lot more than other married moms in my position—their husbands simply just don’t DO anything for or with their families after work.

cantstopthemachine77 · 2020-04-11T09:12:58+00:00

Michelle and Barack is the only good example I can think of right now.

HighLife0001 · 2020-04-12T15:51:22+00:00

We make a great team. Life is much better and easier for both of us every since our union. Our quality of life went way up, we’re able to do everything we want together and live a pretty good life. Our heath improved too since we got married, stress level is down, we both eat better. Having good and frequent sex is good for the soul and body as well. Good communication, no bitterness or jealousy. Especially in this quarantine period, having each other makes the quarantine not that bad at all. We don’t have kids right now so not much stressor there although I do expect couples with kids may have more stressors. So it’s important to work really well with each other before the stress of kids

Title	What does a HV relationship looks like
Author	sophrosyne2189
Upvotes	104
Comments	54
Date	April 11, 2020 4:08 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/fyw5ka/what_does_a_hv_relationship_looks_like/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/what-does-a-hv-relationship-looks-like.678579 https://theredarchive.com/post/678579

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