The Surrendered Wife Introduction review

I decided to buy The Surrendered Wife out of curiosity. It does seem to be highly recommended by some RPW, so I figure it'll be a good discussion piece. It should also be stated that I've been dating an amazing guy for almost 3 years now. Our relationship is great and I'm not at all the target demographic for this book, and I expect to take nothing from it. I'm not in need for relationship advice, so I'm not particularly open to it. I've read the introduction so far, so this will focus on just that.

The theme that I got from this introduction is that you (the author, and the assumed reader) are a nag. You nag, belittle, and control your SO. Your SO doesn't do what you say and it makes you feel like he is a child. Her solution seems to be to shut up. She doesn't seem to distinguish between appropriate times to speak up, inappropriate times, and how to do so respectfully.

From my point of view, if he would just be more ambitious at work, more romantic at home, and clean up after himself everything would be fine... The harder I pushed, the more he resisted, and we both grew irritable and frustrated.

There are times in a relationship to makes suggests, and make demands. In all instances, you should listen to his response and take it in. Even if you don't agree with it, you should respect it as the thoughts of the man you love. You don't have to follow them, but just don't belittle the guy when you respond. If it is his life, such as his career, you don't have any control there. A good relationship will involve an openness to makes suggestions, but if he doesn't like them, drop it. His life, his choice. If you don't like how is in the relationship, you get more sway. You can insist on things, though you should still be respectful and open to compromises. Her solution to any and all disagreement seems to be to shut up.

I experimented, first by keeping my mouth shut- and sometimes even my eyes- when John drove. When we arrived in one piece, I decided that I would always trust him behind the wheel, no matter how strong my urge to control. Next, I stopped buying his clothes (yes, even his underwear), even though I worried that he wouldn't buy any for himself. (I was wrong).

Her solution to his driving is to shut up, in all cases. You probably shouldn't be a backseat driver, but if the guy is seriously a reckless driver, speak up. If he missed his turn, speak up (she later explicitly says to not speak up in another anecdote). There are so many things in a relationship that should involve the women speaking and sharing her thoughts, even unprovoked. This book seems to targeted to women to are bad communication. They don't know when to respect his decisions, when to challenge them, and how to do so peacefully. Rather than actually try to teach better communication skills, the book seems to suggest replacing one kind of dysfunction for another. Rather than fail, stop trying. Rather than being a nag, shut up.

Just for the sake of honesty, she does include this section.

Surrendering to your husband is not about returning to the fifties or rebelling against feminism. This book isn't about dumbing down or being rigid. It's certainly not about subservience.

She doesn't explain how this book isn't those things, but noted none the less.

What I know now is that control and intimacy are opposites

I wonder how she thinks this pans out from the male perspective. Is only female control the opposite? Is the man dooming himself to lose intimacy? Needless to say, I disagree with that statement. Again, for fairness, I want to include a section that I think is important to understanding her views.

Trusting is magical because people tend to live up to our expectations. If you make it clear to your husband that you expect him to screw up at work, wreck the car, or neglect his health you are setting up a negative expectation. If on the other hand, you expect him to succeed, he is much more likely to do just that... To trust someone means you put full confidence in them, the way Robert Redford's character in the movie the Horse Whisperer trusted a teenager behinds the wheel of his truck for the first time- by resting in the passenger seat with his hat over his eyes. Trusting someone means you anticipate the best outcome- not the worst- when he's in charge. When you trust, you don't need to double-check, make back-up plans or be vigilant because you're not expecting any danger.

I found this passage enlightening. But again, I don't expect my boyfriend to be always right. I don't think he, or anyone, could always be right. I trust him to do many things, but never perfectly. Just today, when we were getting lunch, he was going to go to the wrong Subway. It was an honest mistake, and I wasn't rude about correcting him. But correcting him was the appropriate thing to do. I do not trust he is always right, and that's okay.

Another thing I noticed is how individual-based this book is. It seems best highlighted here,

I am not saying that you are responsible for every problem in your marriage. You are not. Your husband has plenty of areas he could improve too, but that's nothing you can control... Rather than wasting time thinking about what my husband should do, I prefer to keep all my energy for improving my happiness.

It's several pages later, but she also says

In fact, he will have to transform in order to stay in step with you as you leave the bumpy road of not trusting him and steer onto the smoother road of having faith in him. He will have to rise to new levels to meet this remarkable occasion... He will be taking on far more responsibility than he ever has before. He will change as soon as you begin practicing the principles of The Surrendered Wife.

This book is centered around changes that you can make on your own, rather than changes you make as a team. I'm opposed to changing up relationship dynamics without consulting the other. I'm really opposed to changing it up without consulting him, and expecting him to change in a certain way in response. It seems to be appealing to the same issues this book assumes the reader has; controlling, demanding, unable to listen to and respect their SO. Rather than taking control and making overt demands, this books recommends you still be the sole one responsible for marital happiness (after all, this is all about what you can do, not what the two of you can do) and expect that he do certain things, but without overt demands.

Finally, she gives 4 situations in which you shouldn't surrender but divorce or separate. I find it interesting that there is no inbetween. Either your man is perfectly capable of doing all these things, or you should leave him. Anyway, in brief, the 4 categories are physical abuse to you, abusive towards the kids, being an addict of some sort, or being chronically unfaithful. So far, that last one got the largest sneer out of me.

Having said that, a past extramarital affair does not automatically make your husband a chronic philanderer. It may have been his inappropriate reaction to years of emasculation and criticism from his wife. That doesn't make the affair your fault; it's still his responsibility to communicate with you and keep his vows. However your marriage can heal from this type of infidelity once you begin surrendering, if your husband is willing to recommit himself to monogamy.

Cheating is shitty, if your spouse cheats on you it is absolutely fair game to leave his sorry ass. I have no more words for this, only a cold glare.

So thus far, I'm not impressed. How do you think communication should work in a relationship? When does it become nagging? When is it out of place? Should cheating be a three strikes and you're out system?