I’m unhappy with my hardworking boyfriend

LightOverWater · 2021-08-24T02:06:05+00:00

Any relationship that lasts decades will get tested by something like this. This is the time when he needs you. All the red pill shit about him being a man, the leader, taking charge- that goes out the window when someone is ill. This is a time when he needs love and support from his SO more than ever.

I think he really needs to speak with a doctor, likely just the family doctor at first about his health, which could lead to a referral depending if something physical or mental is going on.

If there are things you can do to take a load off his back, do them. It's imperative that you don't criticize him because if he is depressed he's doing that to himself, ten fold.

You have the ability to inspire him so that he can gradually get life back in order. It can start with a conversation to understand what's going on and how you can help.

Unfortunately this does rest on him wanting to change. If someone is down and puts in effort to come out of it that's commendable. However if they don't want to make any changes you can't force someone. But you really need to try- with heart- and give it some time.

chickennogget · 2021-08-24T02:32:41+00:00

Between the back injury, new job during quarantine, and him saying he's depressed, he actually does sound like he's depressed, or at least struggling with his day to day. Men tend to have less access to their emotions, which makes it not only harder for him to communicate them, but also harder for him to realize what is going on internally. What you described as his weight gain, lack of exercise, exhaustion, etc. are only the symptoms, and shouldn't be mistaken for the cause. Similar to telling someone who is struggling with negative self image or other mental problems to just be more disciplined and exercise, if it were just a matter of "just do it" then they would have done it already. The things that weigh us down have to be addressed first, otherwise you're fighting an uphill battle.

I don't know what your conversations are like, but I am assuming he probably doesn't feel like he has a safe place to share these feelings, judgement free and without the pressures of making you happy. If you could provide that sort of emotional support for him to address the deeper issues, without immediately placing expectations of changing his behavior, that might be helpful. Or even better if he is able to talk to a therapist or coach about his unhappiness.

_player_0 · 2021-08-24T01:47:49+00:00

Your question seems a bit tone deaf. You describe a number of things that would be causing him stress right now, then go on to describe a number of ways that same stress is affecting him physically and otherwise, then go on to ignore those effects and ask how you can still get what you want despite what he's dealing with.

Do you really love him for him? It's a relationship, and it's going to take work, patience, and understanding. His lack of communication may not mean he doesn't care about you or the relationship, it may be that he doesn't know how, or see the need to bring up certain issues with you. As an objective observer, you're probably seeing the effects on him more than he is.

The sound of the post makes me feel like you only wanted him for the image he projected and how that made you look and feel. It's similar to a man ending a relationship when his SO puts on weight.

Kyonkanno · 2021-08-24T05:01:19+00:00

He sounds like he's depressed. Why did he start a new job? Was he fired? Does he like the previous job better? Did he have a project of his fail?

I'm a man and just came out of something similar. I was in a year and a half of depression after I had failed at a business and incurred significant debt. This put a strain on my marriage and thank God my wife always stood by my side and never left. This was hard on her and I knew it, I just didn't know what to do or how to do it. All I know is if had my wife left me, I would still be in that hole of self pity.

I had to talk with a bunch of people, let my frustrations out, let my fears and failures see the light so that could understand where I went wrong and how to fix it.

You guys are still young and are not married, but if you walk away everytime there's a rough patch you might find yourself multiple divorces down the road.

Nothing that's worth it is easy.

aigars2 · 2021-08-24T10:41:16+00:00

If you really feel like drifting away from him then leave him for his own good. He'll be better without you. Sounds harsh. And I'm seeing downvoting coming for me. But the point of having long term relationships and marrying, till death do us apart, is in these litaral words. Life is like roles coster with highs and lows. And this this first troubled situation, it's only 3,5 years, you're basically they thinking of escape. When you'll have kids, you'll be all fat and feeding kids and not having that much time one to one with your man, that's the same situation.

WhosSarahKayacombsen · 2021-08-24T06:47:57+00:00

I didn't read any of the other comments, so I might be repeating what was already said...

It sounds like he has depression. He would benefit from seeing a therapist. He may be reluctant at first, but I promise he will be happy once he does. Talking to someone separate from your social circle is so much more freeing.

As for being his wife, my personal belief is that when you love someone, you stick by them during their most challenging times. Relationships have ups and downs. If it was switched and you were going through a tough time, wouldn't you want him to support you? I'm sure that's not a popular opinion nowadays.

saltlamp67 · 2021-08-24T11:09:50+00:00

I've been in a situation almost identical to the one your man is currently experiencing. I got several injuries during training olympic weightlifting, but they came online in a delayed onset kind of way, which made it harder for me to even notice they're there, compared to just "normal" soreness or tiredness. This doubled with me losing a job due to contract renegotiations, so I was injured unable to train and without a job. The difference in my case is that I was also abandoned during this time.

I did gain weight and fell into some old habits, but fast forward to now and I am recovered, stronger and with a better job. I think that this is something every man goes through and it's something that we have to learn how to deal with - how to avoid licking our wounds for too long and move on.

Punishing him for this won't work, he most probably loathes arguing with you. We all do, because we got into a relationship with you in the first place because you triggered our protective instinct in some way. So in that sense, he's looking to protect you from his doubts, insecurities and his own side he generally dislikes. So when you try to challenge him, you're pushing him to do something he absolutely hates doing and makes him feel like shit when it happens.

So, this is a challenge for both you and him. For you it's a challenge so you deal with and navigate these selfish feelings you have and learn to be patient with him. If you're to ever marry it won't be always like the honeymoon phase which you mentioned and which you get emotional recollecting - and it won't be just your man pulling you out of a rut when you fall into one. You'll have to pull him out of those too, and do it without silently resenting him.

TheBunk_TB · 2021-08-24T11:17:52+00:00

He needs to be healthy and "present".

I have been what he is going through. I was a zombie shift worker that stopped feeling. Loved booze, apathy, and not feeling anything most of the time.

Does he have healthy friends? (I didnt)

Does he have something he cares about? (I gave up on most things that mattered)

Has he had his CTJ/moment of shame? (I finally did)

He may or may not break free. It took me a while to break the cycle, but I also ended up getting fired from the job that made this stuff worse. I also had to find a group of men that pushed me beyond it. (I also hit the gym, stopped drinking, and lost weight).

No_Mirror_345 · 2021-08-24T12:59:00+00:00

Reading this I have so many different thoughts. I can’t decide completely how I feel, so I will refrain from commenting on that.

I do just want to add that you are both so young. The pre-frontal cortex of your brain(s) isn’t even fully developed until around 26. Read up on this as well. Figure out the likelihood for change and go from there. It’s going to be hard for him to love you well, until/unless he loves himself. This sounds like the missing link.

XKEVNX · 2021-08-24T04:34:15+00:00

It’s hard to give advice without truly knowing if he is truly changing or just the extreme external factors that are causing him to act this way. I will say this though, I am a man around the same age and I have been going through a very similar thing you said he has gone through. I have had a tendon injury for the past two years so I have not been able to train and that plus the combination of lockdown and the stress of school really took a toll on my psychological health. I was depressed and any charm I had was gone. Now I am slowly getting back to my normal self but perhaps he is going through a similar situation. Time will tell if it is just the extreme situation or is he stays like this. For now you can just keep fulfilling your role and if ultimately he doesn’t step up to his role and you are no longer attracted to him then I don’t think their is any reason for you to be together. It’s nice to hear you are trying though. Just do your part and the rest will sort itself

Ethman2k9 · 2021-08-24T06:00:45+00:00

A man whose working hard isn’t gonna be able to “perform” for you 24-7. Sorry. He might have been easier going cuz he wasn’t stressed all the time. I would suggest not spending his money on dumb shit, saving up, and buying investment property so you can keep the time he has to spend doing this to a minimum. Seriously tho, a guy working a physical job is going to be BEAT. It’s what happens. Maybe work with him on the weight thing but realize someone isn’t gonna be happy go lucky all the time. Maybe be satisfied with a night in cuddling and know that he cares about you and is putting all his energy into you by working his ass off at work every day.

samjsmrnm · 2021-08-24T01:51:15+00:00

Are you staying active and eating healthy? Maybe you can start meal prepping and cooking nutrient dense foods. You can be sweet about it and get excited about doing it. He may see this as making you happy and then eventually he will start feeling better and want to do it for himself. Recommend a date that is outdoor like a hike or even just a simple walk around the neighborhood every night to catch up and talk.

ThenIJizzedInMyPants · 2021-08-24T14:23:25+00:00

Sounds like he's depressed, maybe on medication and feeling like crap

Baby steps - he needs to start walking every day at a minimum before getting back into the gym

mikeegg1 · 2021-08-24T14:30:57+00:00

Male: Maybe the books by Laura Doyle can help you.

Hopeful_Pay_6685 · 2021-08-28T05:20:51+00:00

It's situations like these that probably cause divorce. Do you know marriages that have lasted for decades or even till one of the spouses dies? They have probably gone through worse. What do you think your boyfriend would do if you were in his situation, fat, miserable, and unmotivated? Would he leave or stay during the harshest of times? You need to be there for him, and vice versa. He'll appreciate it down the line, so please don't give up and stay strong.

grahamcookiefart · 2021-08-24T05:23:42+00:00

You need to train your empathy, whenever you have this lingering thought of how he may have changed, just put yourself in his shoes and really draw out the scenario to match reality.

Love means that the presence of your partner is bliss. People lose attraction to their overweight partners because of the cause of the weight gain: gluttonous, lazy people are not attractive. This guy is not lazy. He's hardworking and went through an injury.

Men are generally aware of their own bodies, which is why you never see them posting gut pics and saying #Fyourbeautystandards - we do that. If he isn't taking care of his body yet, while you previously described him as being aware of his health and vain to a degree, you can assume that he can't. He may be too stressed, depressed, worrying to get another injury....

How would you know that "he has healed, he should be working out now" ? That is his call. As a supportive partner, you can tap out the ways that you can assist him, for instance screening his routines for stressful bottlenecks and help out (if he's investing time in arranging books or whatever), do that for him. Invest your time in cooking meals that are tasty and nutritious. Who prefers burger and fries over a slow roasted herb chicken breast, or a lovely homemade lasagna?

I am not a man, but what I observed from my husband is, men don't like unnecessary talk. They like solutions and actions. Instead of talking to him about your preference, and how you feel etc, present healthy food, support him in reducing stress and he will feel uplifted. It's just that nudge, he takes all the other steps in the way he sees fit.

TLDR: 1) be empathetic 2) be helpful 3) take actions, i.e make better healthy food

oooKenshiooo · 2021-08-24T12:58:28+00:00

You should break up with him. It will probably both knock him out of his rut, forcing him to get fit and driven again, and save him from your me-me-me-attitude. He is better off working on himself for a few years and then finding someone younger.

Your man is straight up depressed. He might be having the worst time of his live right now. He is in the dark night of the soul.

I can only imagine how fucked up I would be if I was injured to the point where I could not excercise as well as being stressed trying to prove myself at a new job. He probably can't see the forest for the trees and he has had to let some of his old aspirations die in order to live.
Also, early to mid 20s is often a very challenging time for a man because that is when the onset of true masculinity starts. There is tremendous shifts in mindset.

You are not behaving like supportive partner. You are behaving like a customer who switches providers if he is not happy with the service provided.

How do I know? - I had fucking cancer last year and I got to witness first hand how a supportive (female) partner acts in times of trouble. This is not it.

SadBananaCat · 2021-08-24T01:37:16+00:00

He sounds like he’s in a rut and he needs to be pushed. Some people in life will get stuck and stay there forever because it’s easier. You have your own life and wishes. If these do not correlate with what he is doing then you should be honest and tell him. If you want him to improve his life, talk to him and tell him what you want out of a relationship. You didn’t decide to date who he is right now, but the person he was. If he doesn’t improve within a realistic amount of time then you may want to consider breaking off with him. It’s a hard conversation to have and most people don’t want to accept, but if it’ll make you happier then it’s for the better.

You’re not asking for too much, although you can always settle and be with him how he is. You have to make that decision if you want something better or you’re content with how things are.

vegasandponies · 2021-08-24T03:30:07+00:00

Should I just be happy that I have a man who wants to provide for me, and not be so particular about how healthy or attractive he is?

Yikes. I think this is a big jump. He's recovering from a back injury (which might have caused the weight gain), and he started a new job (which could contribute to exhaustion, especially for someone who hasn't been active and who has gained weight due to an injury.) The lack of communication could be because of pain, exhaustion...or perhaps he's reading your signals that you aren't happy with him right now.

The truth is, if you aren't happy and don't think it's going to work out, it's best to know that while you're still in the boyfriend/girlfriend stage, not after you're married.

However, if you do choose to get married, you have to be prepared for ups and downs. It's part of it.

It's hard for me to imagine that a 23-year-old man who was very recently athletic and everything that you wanted him to be is suddenly gone forever. He might be going through a rough season. It seems a bit quick to jump to the conclusion that he'll never be healthy or attractive to you again.

oriorioooo · 2021-09-30T06:31:49+00:00

Maybe prioritize how he’s feeling and going through shit before what you need from him. If you can help him through this a. Youre showing u care about him not just the relationship and b. You’ll get your manz back

Ok actually reading ur post again it does sound rly tough, but man i hope yall can work something out. I know my friend liked someone who got injured during quarantine and seems like that shits tough cuz he ghosted her despite them hitting it off. Just reminded me of that.

nocreativity729 · 2021-08-24T18:58:37+00:00

This post sounds all about you you you. When I read it I was like… poor man. He needs empathy and help coping with his struggles. Not a woman wanting to flee because the perfect man doesn’t exist and she’s surprised by it. Sounds a little immature to me…

LilCinnamonRoll_ · 2021-08-24T02:33:29+00:00

He deserves better.

E2a: you demeaned him to countless strangers. Didn’t get the answer you wanted, and now here you are. Please go re read the book and such available to you. I don’t think you get it.

abacabbmk · 2021-08-24T02:27:10+00:00

'in sickness and in health'

clearly you dont subscribe to that with this person

6ofh · 2021-08-24T11:59:41+00:00

You should never lie to your partner. Many people think you should. But I think this sub in particular will tell you the truth.

Bifidus1 · 2021-08-24T15:27:58+00:00

Have him get his hormone levels checked. After a major injury things can get out of whack. Making him have low levels of energy, depression and moodiness.

DeLovehlyCoconute · 2021-08-24T03:45:46+00:00

After reading your comments, have you thought about moving in with him? It may emotionally help the both of you if he has your feminine support coming home and doing the cleaning/cooking. This may take a good amount of time before he displays any changes and you'll need to surround yourself in everything positive with good role models to listen to (I love Mrs Midwest for example), but your feminine energy may bring him out of his depression. You must practice patience and be consistently pleasant if you consider this route.

Edit: If you're not performing the way you used to, he'll notice that just as much as you do with his changes. Men crave affection from their partner just as much as we do (sorry if that's a no-brainer), it keeps them going by feeling loved, important, worthful/valuable, and gives them ambition to realize they have a supportive and receptive partner, happy to cater, wanting to be there, right beside them. A good and lucky woman to feel like a good and lucky man.

He'll eventually open up to you again about what's bothering him. The best thing you can do now is take accountability for your last reaction the next time you approach him on the issues and then wait if he's not ready yet. The more you humble yourself, the easier it gets imo.

PrincessaRusalka · 2021-08-24T18:05:21+00:00

Sounds hopeless. He doesn’t want to change. You’re going to have to decide if you will put up with this if it gets worse…

Title	I’m unhappy with my hardworking boyfriend
Author	saltlamp67
Upvotes	49
Comments	122
Date	August 24, 2021 1:15 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/pad8wf/im_unhappy_with_my_hardworking_boyfriend/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/im-unhappy-with-my-hardworking-boyfriend.1060255 https://theredarchive.com/post/1060255

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