Wife Went Full Bitch Mode

MrChad_Thundercock · 2019-02-27T00:28:26+00:00

It gets worse before it gets better. She’s feelzing the dynamic changing and doesn’t like it.

Get ready for a huge comfort test disguised as a shit test soon. Mmslp talks about it.

Edit: She’ll probably accuse you of cheating.. It’s a comfort test.

rocknrollchuck · 2019-02-27T00:59:56+00:00

Background: Life has sucked for me… I was just surviving the last 2 years. I haven’t written the full background yet (I don’t want the sympathy and don’t want people holding back on the criticism). We had unexpectedly and quickly lost of a kid from cancer 2 years ago, and a miscarriage a year before that. I went into a tailspin, my wife invested everything in my other 2 kids. They sleep in the bed with her, I sleep on a separate mattress in the room. This happened due to them and my wife having huge fears/anxiety after my other child died. What was supposed to be temporary has become the norm. I was grieving heavily and I became needy and stopped leading. We coasted through life the last 2 years and I felt lost. Life is too short to live in that shit. Finding MRP has started to change that. I feel a new person – not constrained by fear and recognizing I’m a pretty great person (aka the prize).

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I am in therapy for the last 2 years. It's helped... actually helped get me to this point. Surprisingly she says a lot of the same stuff as RP (no talking about RP) - focus on yourself, she'll come along or won't, etc.

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My wife absolutely refuses therapy as she says there's nothing wrong with her.

Are you sure it has nothing to do with this? You yourself said

80% of marriages don't survive a loss of a child... exactly for similar reasons (one is ready to move on, the other is not).

Is it possible she's trying to get you to kill the puppy?

screechhater · 2019-02-27T03:35:46+00:00

Fucking relax. Be strong.

Main event happening. This is who decides who will control you.

Make it you.

Don’t forget to feed all that exercise with good while food. Don’t let the unicorn turn your diet it stress eating

Be strong. You’re living this life for you

man_in_the_world · 2019-02-27T06:32:36+00:00

If your repertoire consists only of evasive escalation tactics such as AA and leaving the house, you eventually look weak, and also invite escalation tactics on her side. Sometimes you have to Stop tolerating bullshit, and start showing controlled anger. You also have to give comfort and reassurance of commitment within your boundaries sometimes to maintain a marriage. (This is not to say that this one is salvageable, but it's certainly not if you don't do your part.)

BostonBrakeJob · 2019-02-27T22:25:36+00:00

Sometimes we're the mirror. Sometimes we're the projection screen.

My best guess is you're the screen right now. "Mrs. LongRoad's Insecure Meltdown" is playing in Ultra 4K.

You have a list of bullet points giving your interpretation of her thoughts and feelings right now. You'll be told here at MRP to stay out of her head and so on. And sure, there are times where that's a good idea. I don't think this is one of those times though. You're empathizing with her, at least in your post. So I ask, how are you expressing this empathy to her? Fire with fire, from the looks of it. So what do you expect?

You see, I've been in a similar boat for awhile now. Heavy dread. 50/50 "active/passive" at first, 100% passive for the last 6+ months. Misguided MAP for my marriage. All Rambo everything. Same results too. Things get great as she competes for my time and attention. Eventually she burns out and turns to her phone and work. I neg about her withdrawing and start doing my own thing without her a lot more often. She walks on eggshells for awhile, then finally blows up. Rinse & repeat.

I've missed my part in this cycle the entire time. She tries her damnedest, and I respond with the same AA/AM stuff you do "...all my other girlfriends" comments, DNGAF attitude, and the likes. Where's her incentive to keep dealing with her methed out hamster? Where's her incentive to "keep up the good work"?

Put yourself in her shoes for a minute (meaning, look at this through a blue lens.) You're an anxious wreck who thinks she's got every dick in town rode by the end of the week. You think she could give 2 fucks about you, your thoughts, ideas, opinions and feelings. You think she thinks you're an awful father and human being in general. You finally get to your breaking point and reach out to her, and she tells you "can't be bothered right now. gotta ice my pussy after the gangbang I just took" and shoots you the same shit eating grin. You gonna be able to see her love through all the smartassery in that moment? The answer is probably no, you won't. What you'll probably see is a person who could give 0 fucks about you and your well being. Cue more anxiety and empty threats. Scratching and clawing to get some reaction that shows she still cares. Any hint will do at that point.

Knowing what we know now, we don't give that kind of power over ourselves to other people. But your wife hasn't been taking the steps to become her own mental point of origin. She hasn't done any of this reading and introspection. Hell, she doesn't even consciously know the laws of attraction and hypergamy. So how, when she is reaching those high levels of anxiety, could you expect her to logically think, "What a smartass! Well, if he thinks it's ridiculous enough to joke around about then maybe I should just chill the fuck out. I'mma suck his dick tho...just in case."

But, more importantly, what could you be doing in the meantime to prevent her anxiety from reaching those levels in the first place? Don't get lost here. Her feelings aren't your responsibility. They're not yours to fix and/or control. I'm asking you, what can you do? What is in your control?

Again, this is all off my belief that what you're experiencing is one gigantic shitty comfort test. It may be a good idea to meet with some lawyers and start getting yourself prepped for divorce, just in case. She may be pushing her own agenda here.

But maybe not? And even is she is, if you're not ready, or it's not what you want, then what's the harm in opening a conversation with her about all this? Give her a chance to do some more purging. Lay out your vision for your future. And ffs, if you want her there then let her know it. Worst case, this is a misread and she really does wanna leave you...and you still live out a great fucking life.

HornsOfApathy · 2019-02-27T00:06:42+00:00

My take? Mega shit test. But I don't know you. I commented on your OYS about comfort tests. This is not one, but think more about your comments there.

My wife did the same exact thing 4 nights ago. I didn't say a word. She still came to bed after having to move her stuff back into our room.

Even if she doesnt, why do you care?

Are you strong enough to pass the test by being the strongest oak and sway with her through one of her moods with your strength and humor?

Go reread TWOTSM

BobbyPeru · 2019-02-27T00:40:41+00:00

Perhaps you want Rambo and her hamster is going. Maybe she is PMS’ing... maybe she’s fucking someone... etc.

You didn’t give us enough from your post. Give us more info on the last couple months.

In any case, just keep doing what you’re doing. Perhaps STFU and remove your presence if it gets really bad. AA and AM are effective only to a point... and it depends on the woman

Red-Nerd13 · 2019-02-27T01:26:29+00:00

Take my opinion for what's is worth, but why do you care? Stay plan is the go plan. If you're sitting good enough in yourself, then you'll be fine, even uf she leaves. Things might not get better as you improve. She might decide she doesn't like the new you & wants her pushover back.

If she leaves, you're better equipped to find someone better. If she doesn't leave it'll be because she's decided that she likes the new your, even if it was uncomfortable in the beginning. As you age, you as the male has the advantage in the field. Use that mindset to help your DNGAF attitude.

Things wont get better until your DNGAF attitude is genuine. Others can chime in on my opinion, but my relationship with my wife is much better than it used to be. It didn't get better into I genuinely didn't care about her 'approval'.

I've mentioned it in other threads, but my turning point was when I decided to do a kind of diet plan (keto) that she thought was dangerous. I was doing some reading in it, she asked what I was reading, I told her I was thinking about the keto diet. She proceeded to talk me how dumb it was, how dangerous it was, etc...

I simply smiled and went back to my reading. Once I was done, I just said out loud, "I think I'm going to try it". The look on her face was hilarious and she was only able to stammer out "You're going to do this anyway?". I responded with "Yep" and that was that.

I got minor pushbacks here & there but for the most part there was an instant switch from her. Went from full-on disrespect to full-on support. When I saw results from the diet plan, it was over. She has been really horny lately (especially since she's 7 months pregnant right now).

Summary of the chain of events for me.

1) Had issues with seeking her 'Approval' 2) Was researching a new diet plan 3) She asked what I was doing 4) I told her 5) She outright disrespectfuly told me her opinion of his dumb it was 6) I smiled with some genuine amusement at the fact that she thought her interjection of opinion would dissuade me from doing it. (This part is still probably an issue, but it slightly made me want to do it to piss her off. I can't let it have any effect on my decision making. ) 7) I told her I was doing it anyway, she was shocked. 8) I lost fat, gained some muscle on the diet plan while I was lifting (re-newbie gains? I was pretty fit at one point, but let myself go a bit) 9) She is now in full support & enjoying my new look.

The key here is, on step 6 & 7 where I brushed off her disrespect & did the diet against her opinion, my DNGAF reaction was genuine & wasn't thought out. I just reacted that way. I think that is key. Work in yourself until you get to a point where you honestly DNGAF. Pretending or putting on the appearance makes things worse in my experience.

becoming_alpha · 2019-02-27T21:00:01+00:00

Last summer my wife did something similar. I'd been a little rambo my first 6 months of MRP, too much talking and not enough STFU. She wanted to talk about all my problems, I didn't engage for several days and finally said ok, let's talk. She falsely accused me of rape, tried to lock me out of the house, said we should separate, took the kids away overnight the next night with no notice, and planned to take them out of state for the rest of summer. This was all super-aggressive for her and outside anything I'd ever seen. It's pretty clear she'd discussed with her inner circle (all on their second marriage) and decided to execute operation kill the puppy.

I lawyered up and prepared for divorce, and made peace mentally with the end of my marriage. I didn't agree to separate or leave the house. Much like others here suggested, I was nice and pleasant and we worked well as mom and dad inc. with the kids, while doing everything possible to protect myself and prepare. I drew a hard boundary around the false allegation and would not sleep in the same room with her until she both recanted and expressed she wanted a physical relationship with me to our counselor (yeah, not recommended I know). I ramped up the comfort and toned down the dread. One important thing I learned was to genuinely apologize. I know MRP says don't say sorry, but that's really to avoid a trite, empty apology that doesn't mean anything and is just beta supplication. A real apology is absolutely appropriate if you, from your own judgment, think you made a mistake. It looks like saying you made a mistake for something you went rambo about, you see how it hurt her and you regret doing it.

It was a rough month and by the end she was begging me to be physical again. Things gradually improved over the months since and I took my finger off the trigger, but my foot is still on the gas.

Good luck, brother. Either way it turns out, you'll be fine and you'll be a better and stronger man because of it.

UEMcGill · 2019-02-27T02:53:28+00:00

Tonight she’s still bitchy, shit tests left and right, started being downright disrespectful.

Sometimes shit tests are that, but sometimes they proceed into boundaries being crossed.

I expect shit tests, and my wife can be bratty, but fuck all if she will be disrespectful. That's a boundary that won't be crossed. Sounds to me like you don't enforce boundaries?

johneyapocalypse · 2019-02-27T14:51:10+00:00

Son died of cancer 3 years ago.

I'm sorry for your loss. Don't go beating yourself up with no end in sight. I understand the need to be strong and carry on, but I also understand the pain and intensity of that loss.

hack3ge · 2019-02-27T16:03:06+00:00

Regarding comfort - I think I need to dial the dread back and up comfort in the future (assuming marriage continues)

Comfort is there but she needs more right now

Dial back AA/AM regarding extramarital affairs

She's feeling very confused and like she's not valued

Seems like a main event - just STFU, use the tools, focus on your kids and hold firm - if you provide too much comfort it will come across as supplicating and falling into her frame. A woman who wants a divorce isn't angry, she is indifferent and apathetic. You would have seen the checking out and her withdrawing more before the incident - she just realized that she lost all power in the relationship. My take on the kids thing is that she realizes she has no weapons left - its kind of a shitty thing to do but some women go for blood, mine sure did. Make sure you are ready for your vision for when she finally breaks and essentially asks you how she gets that comfort back.

Funny thing about the girlfriend jokes - when you were a BP fat faggot I bet she joked that you needed a gf instead of bothering her but fast forward and now that you can actually get a gf its apparently not so funny.

2019-02-27T16:14:28+00:00

Hang in there my friend. It sounds like your doing the right thing and focusing on yourself. I'm going to throw this out from left field, but this is the exact way my ex used to act when she felt guilt / shame over something, particularly when she started having an affair with a coworker. She was deflecting and acting pissed at me because of her lack of self control. Even if this is the case, and I hope it isn't, your still doing the best thing and that is self-control and self-improvement.

2019-02-27T17:18:03+00:00

I find AA can be hit-or-miss depending on her current mood or if she is PMS'ing. If she is directly questioning if I am with, or talking to, another women I typically dont let that continue with a AA that re-inforces her fear. I might spin it to "Awww, your so cute when your jealous" or do something to switch her mood.... Not confirming or denying her suspicion

Now, if she is asking what I am doing (as an innocent question without questioning if i am talking to another female) I will then AA with a "chatting with all my bitches"

NOW, i should point out that my wife has been very receptive to my changes and has never threatened divorce like your wife... So It might be hard to apply what is working with me on her.

RedPillCoach · 2019-02-28T19:04:11+00:00

Son died of cancer 3 years ago

Condolences. This changes everything and the divorce rate for people in your situation is ridiculously high. The dynamic is that the wife is flailing around for emotional support. She expects and demands it from her husband. The problem is that Husbands are far less equipped to handle the loss of a child than the wife. You would think it would not be so but it is. Thus the husband cannot provide what the wife needs and she becomes more and more angry.

All that said, this is background. This is the rest of your answer:

She is feeling very confused about the 'new' me

Good! Then all of this was likely just a shit test. Hold frame, etc.

she wants a 'nice guy' who will be a good husband

Of course she does! The problem is that the word "nice" and "good" don't mean what she (and you) think it means.

It means she wants a STRONG, POWERFUL man who is GOOD ENOUGH to take her in his arms and reassure her that it is going to be just fine. A man who can let her rail and whine is what she means by "nice." A man who can reassure her with a loving hug that you are there and everything is going to be fine is what she means by "good."

I would try that.

red-sfpplus · 2019-02-27T00:27:33+00:00

Next time she goes to the guest room follow about 30 seconds later. Close the door toss her on the bed and fuck her brains out.

If you cant do this you suck and need to just leave her alone.

justpickanyusername · 2019-02-27T00:09:42+00:00

So, you really think she is moving into the guest bedroom because of the texting incident? Most sane people don't throw the "I can do better than you" and move bedrooms because of your AA'd "girlfriends" response.

What are you not telling us? Be honest or fuck off.

2019-02-27T00:05:50+00:00

How long have you been on the MAP? This might be your main event.

helaughsinhidden · 2019-02-27T01:06:51+00:00

Nothing will put her in her place better than the echoing hamster replaying her own crazy words

2019-02-27T15:27:06+00:00

Did you ever read my post on accusations of affairs?

Do you like being with your wife? If so, does she know?

Reach180 · 2019-02-27T20:14:55+00:00

Started removing attention last week

This causes more problems than it's worth for many of us.

Have you tried the nice card?

You're 5 months in, maybe stick with it for a while.

ChokingDownRP · 2019-02-28T07:15:03+00:00

I would take the assertive approach with this one and just tell her youre taking control of your life. Assure her that you're confident in your direction and if she wants a "good husband" she needs to gtfo your way and let you become one. Make no apologies whatsoever and tell her she can choose to bail if she wants to, but there's still plenty of room in your life to join you if she wants to, but youre ready to turn the page on the next chapter of your lives together, and there's been enough pain and misery for a lifetime already with the "crippling loss" of (both of your) son.

She sees you changing, and she needs to know that you see her, as well, on the path ahead of you. STFU works until it doesnt.

Now, you need to grow a pair and show her that you still see her in your future, but not as a "harpy shrew" impeding your forward momentum at every turn, coming from a place of fear. (Use those fucking words in your depiction of her behavior, she needs to know that's how she's behaving, if you do it right with a little jest, you may even get a chuckle out of her through her tears)

Seriously take the stern approach like a father having a direct conversation with a recalcitrant and petulent child. You cant keep being a fucking coward whos afraid to have direct dialogue with his wife.

When, if not now, are you going to confront this challenge in your life? At least you still have an audience, she's all but begging you to lay down the terms of her surrender. What else you got to lose? Divorce is a definite at this point if you remain unwilling to confront this.

Title	Wife Went Full Bitch Mode
Author	LongRoad_518
Upvotes	23
Comments	94
Date	February 27, 2019 12:01 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/av6i14/wife_went_full_bitch_mode/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/wife-went-full-bitch-mode.220254 https://theredarchive.com/post/220254

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