Help dealing with withdrawn checked-out and angry wife

PillUpAss · 2019-12-01T18:13:58+00:00

What do you see as your lesson to learn here? What is she subconsciously trying to teach you?

A few passages from WOTSM, which I suggest you read / reread immediately:

“TOLERATING HER LEADS TO RESENTING HER A man gets resentful and frustrated with his woman when he is too afraid, weak, or unskilled to penetrate her moods and tests into love. He wishes she were easier to deal with. But it is not entirely her fault that she is bitchy and complaining. It is also a reflection of her lack of being penetrated by love. When a man resigns, and simply tolerates his woman’s self-destructive moods, it is a sign of his weakness. His attitude has become one of wanting to escape women and the world, rather than wanting to serve women and the world into love. A man shouldn’t tolerate bitchy and complaining moodiness in his woman, but he should serve her and love her with every ounce of his skill and perseverance. Then, if she cannot or will not open in love, he might decide to end his relationship with her, harboring no anger or resentment, because he knows he has done everything he could.”

“The feminine part of your woman is either opening in loving surrender (easy moments) or closing in what ends up being an emotional test of your capacity to open her (difficult moments).”

“A superior man sees his woman’s moods not as a curse, but as a challenge and an amusement. There are many ways to creatively deal with her moods and help her to open. Tickle her. Take off your clothes and dance the watusi. Sing opera for her. Make animal sounds. Shout at her louder than you ever have and then kiss her passionately. Press your belly into her until she melts. Lift her off the ground and spin her around. Occasionally, talking with her helps, but not as often as humor and physically expressed love.

If you have tried every creative, humorous, and powerful way of loving through her mood and she still refuses to let go of her closure, then simply relax. You have done everything you can. If you are not skillful enough to serve her, or she is not willing enough to receive your gifts, perhaps you are with the wrong woman.

Just remember that any woman you are with, if she has a feminine sexual essence, will cycle through moods of closure every day which seem to have no “reason” to them. You cannot avoid this by changing women or waiting for the moods to stop. You can only develop your skill in serving your woman into openness. It never ends though, even if you are passionate, fearless, loving, and humorous with her.”

Also, this is 100% your dumbass fault.

bogeyd6 · 2019-12-01T22:26:50+00:00

you ever have that dream where you are chasing something but just cant quite catch it? That's your wife. Next time she moves to the guest room redecorate the master to your tastes. She complains? Remind her it is your room.

SBIII · 2019-12-01T21:05:57+00:00

Please help me see what I'm doing wrong

Your lifts prove that you are physically weak.

Your posts prove that your frame is shit - ie., mentally weak.

Your wife moved out of your bedroom about six months ago. Despite that, you decided it was a good idea to buy a new family home, in the hope that she'd move back into your bed.

She previously indicated that she would move back to the master bed once we move to the new house

You bought the new family home recently and allowed your wife to set up her own room in it as a place to enjoy the fruits of your labour without having to actually interact with you in any shape or form.

Until recently, she worked for you but didn't contribute anything financially. In fact, she save her money in an account that you have no access to and spends your money from a joint account that you allow her access to.

Then - on a continual basis - you cave to her demands just to get her back into your bed, placating her in the vain hope of getting some pussy.

She has zero respect for you and you allow her to shit all over you on a daily basis in the brand new house that you paid for. Despite that, you bend over to your wife on a daily basis so she can fuck you up the ass, then you reset each morning and try and wangle some hugs and affection from her.

You are a doormat, a Beta Bucks, a Nice Guy, you live your life embedded with covert contracts, you don't know how to say 'no' and you have no plan or idea in your head about how to get what you want in life. I doubt you even know what you want beyond.. 'I want Mammy to be nice to me and come back in my bed".

The question you are asking is 'what am I doing wrong?'

The answer is fucking simple... pretty much everything.

BobbyPeru · 2019-12-01T22:44:22+00:00

This probably won’t be read much or upvoted much since I’m late to it (4 hours is an eternity in AMRP time). I’ve been at this for years, so naturally I’m not usually a first poster on here anymore . That’s the way it should be if you are progressing in MRP.

it appears you like to complicate the fuck out of this. That’s okay and pretty normal for how new you are to this.

These are your main problems

You gave way too many fucks about what she thinks, and that’s why you are living in her frame
You’ve gone Rambo - You need to start very light , and stick mostly with STFU. She shouldn’t even notice much change.

Evidence:

She says she doesn't like this new me, that I used to be nice and caring and now I'm selfish, and that whatever I'm doing is making things worse.

You are fighting with her like 2 pigs in mud - this is because other bullet points above (You give too many fucks and have no frame). Solution- STFU. Leave for a while if needed, but don’t go out in a huff. That will make it even worse and you will look even weaker.
You need more patience - after being beta bux for 10 years, don’t expect to turn the ship around for at least a couple years. You might start seeing some progress after a year, but that’s just the start.

She has lost respect for you - that’s obvious, and honestly, I don’t blame her. You live in her frame.

The good news is you are starting to see a little dread from your lifting efforts- definitely not from your frame. Use this, and provide a little comfort. Don’t go overboard with the comfort though- that’s the old beta way. Instead, A&A it or giver her a little hug and STFU.

Example -

Her:”I saw you totally flirting with the girl.”

The old you) :“No, actually she approached me, and blah blah blah DEER DEER DEER...).

The new you: “Yeah, You missed the part where we totally fucked on the grocery store floor in front of everybody.”

Only do the A&A when you have enough frame and respect. Stick mostly to STFU for now.

creating_my_life · 2019-12-01T18:16:18+00:00

You still don't understand a tiny bit about what MRP tries to communicate, do you?

EVERYTHING it says is to be a high-value, high-quality man. Life a quality life on your own terms. Do not life your life for your wife. Life your life for you.

Everything about your post is "my wife this, and my wife that." The idea is to take care of yourself FIRST--just like oxygen masks on planes. You can't help anyone else until you save yourself.

Do you understand this?

FoxShitNasty83 · 2019-12-01T17:40:48+00:00

Breath..... What is your height and lifts?

I try to provide comfort and end up caving to some of her demands to restore the peace

Demands? Need more context around this. Don't negotiate with sex witholding terrorists.

Also genuine question: is your wife bat shit crazy?

Why are you hanging around to argue... Wife:"You don't do X and I hate you" You:"you have great tits!"

P.s this is all your fault

Smuggler-Tuek · 2019-12-01T18:53:30+00:00

You are way too concerned with what she’s doing and how she responds. It controls your entire life. Read the entire sidebar (again if you already have) and focus on WISNIFG. Also your reactions are shit. Stop reacting. She’s a child who can go be moody in another room if she wants. Her presence should have no bearing on your emotional state.

Over60_FireTempered3 · 2019-12-02T00:20:28+00:00

The last couple cycles of this I try to provide comfort and end up caving to some of her demands to restore the peace. She comes back to the bedroom, we fuck once or twice, until the whole cycle repeats again after a few weeks of sexual denials and ramping up withdrawal of attention & dread.

She sees that you will cave in. You keep proving to her. She's not crazy and neither are you. So here's a plan:

Start over on the side bar. Try to find a way to stop proving to her that she's in charge.

You've gone too far now, not be able to figure this one out.

It's that simple.

Sepean · 2019-12-01T18:22:40+00:00

The last couple cycles of this I try to provide comfort and end up caving to some of her demands to restore the peace. She comes back to the bedroom, we fuck once or twice, until the whole cycle repeats again after a few weeks of sexual denials and ramping up withdrawal of attention & dread.

Please help me see what I'm doing wrong and how I can break out of this loop.

She’s being shitty, and instead of STFU, A&A and AM, you give her comfort. You should hold frame, but cave to her demands.

Re-read the sidebar and start fucking doing it. This half-assed approach you’re taking won’t work. If you were to take a pilot license, you think that would work if you only followed 1/3rd of the instructions?

Stop listening to your wife. Stop taking her demands seriously. Everything she says is to test you for fuckability. It is not reflecting of what she wants, on the contrary.

arm_candy · 2019-12-01T18:24:36+00:00

You can’t break the pattern if you don’t see it.

The pattern that keeps repeating is that I take steps to lead my own life and my family ... end up caving to some of her demands to restore the peace.

The piece you’re missing is that you’re continually caving, reinforcing her shit behavior and confirming to her that she still has all the power in your relationship.

You need to stop caving to her. Providing comfort doesn’t mean acting like a weak bitch. You mention “ramping up dread”. Why is it “ramping down”? Just because she fucks you a couple of times? Because she moves out the guest room?

You need to build your life, invite her along, and understand she simply might not come. And that’s fine. But your desperation for her approval is obvious and unattractive. Nothing you’re doing is authentic because you’re doing it for her.

AlohaMaui808 · 2019-12-01T18:27:32+00:00

I feel like I'm not making progress here and looking for some insight.

I wonder why vvv

The last couple cycles of this I try to provide comfort and end up caving to some of her demands to restore the peace. She comes back to the bedroom, we fuck once or twice, until the whole cycle repeats again after a few weeks of sexual denials and ramping up withdrawal of attention & dread.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result

We become roommates at that point

You've been roommates for a long time. You are just the one who's been too fucking head-up-ass to realize it. You need to start accepting that your wife is AWALT, and she's reacting to you being a Beta faggot (you still are, by massively failing her guest room shit tests)

sometimes make her a coffee

Stop doing her favors when she's literally "at war" with you. We want to encourage good behavior in her, not shitty behavior, remember??? The rest of your reset is fine, as long as internally your motivation for hugging her is "I want to hug her because it's what I want and has nothing to do with my obvious need to avoid conflict and end her manipulative behavior" - So for you, it doesn't pass the smell check. No more hugs until you have that kind of internal perspective. Which most likely won't come about while you're still participating in this idiotic cycle. And make no mistake, you are participating, and your Beta behavior is the primary cause of it continuing endlessly.

I can feel the anger and resentment in the air.

Get used to this. There's no way around it. Go through an anger phase, mourn your marriage, figure out that this is your reality, whether she's pity fucking you or being nice because you've caved, or not. SHE is literally training YOU right now, and you're too fucking dumb to see it. But this is where you live now if you actually want to stop being a pussy and MRP your life out of the shit you've built with her. She's going to be angry at you, and she (in her mind) has every right to be. Don't argue about that. It doesn't matter. You're doing this for you, remember??? (That doesn't pass the smell check either, but whatever, keep dancing until it becomes true, monkey faggot)

I get the kids to bed

Why is this always your job? Just curious.

If I try to approach her room she'll yell at me to leave claiming that it's her space.

Stop trying to approach her room, faggot. Ignore her shitty behavior. You've been given a gift, suddenly you have at least 2 uninterrupted hours every night to focus on you, read the sidebar and books, go to the gym, whatever.

brings up shit from 9 years ago when I was very weak

At some point you're going to have to call her on her bullshit here and tell her that she needs to stop bringing up 9 years ago. (Was it cheating? If so, that may change this advice)

Started lifting and exercising and am in best shape now since married.

This means literally nothing. Post height weight BF and lifts or gtfoh with this "best shape" BS. Also unless you're under 12% BF and have muscle mass, this means nothing for your SMV. Absolutely Nothing. Keep doing the work, because you've only just begun to begin...

CryptoManbeard · 2019-12-02T01:54:22+00:00

Sometimes you get in a relationship with a woman because you're not acting right. Sometimes when you start acting right the relationship becomes untenable. Hard to tell beforehand, but it's why you focus on yourself and the mission and not the woman. Eventually when you're living right you won't mind if she chooses not to join you, and you won't tolerate toxic behavior.

2019-12-02T21:31:27+00:00

Well then disengage. Go out and have a good time. See some friends. Go grab a beer.

Oh and see a lawyer and prepare. Best $250 you’ll spend to know how that goes down.

Edit: I’m not saying threaten or throw the divorce card on the table. Just will put your mind at ease knowing how a divorce will go down. She said she doesn’t want to be your wife. You need to build up yourself and your life. At the same time - start preparing just in case.

She’s not acting like a wife - and certainly not someone you’d want to stay married to. So you do your own thing. Don’t go and do something stupid but try to think in your mind - “I don’t have a wife.”

Edit 2: you can also (if you have the frame) go pick your wife up and carry her to your bed.

SorcererKing · 2019-12-01T21:53:52+00:00

Look, man, here's how it is. You are wobbling between "I'm a weak bitch and this is on me," and "She's fucking crazy and it's totally not me." Which is it? The way you painted it here it could be either, but the way you painted it is trying to lead us to conclude she's crazy and you're the victim.

If she really is crazy, then see a lawyer and plot your exit, because you can't fix crazy. You describe episodes of gas lighting here and manipulation. If that is the norm, get out.

If maybe you're being a paper tiger and sending mixed signals, then expect her to continue to try to 'realign' you with shit tests. No reason she shouldn't since that seems to work.

rockstarsheep · 2019-12-02T03:27:07+00:00

Everything takes time to change.

Don’t underestimate that you may have subconscious drives also in operation. Fear of loss, might be one of them. So, what scares you? I mean really terrifies you? Being alone? Abandonment? Disapproval?

If you don’t get to the root of the causes, then the symptoms are going to come back, again and again.

FereallyRed · 2019-12-02T15:32:28+00:00

This whole post is all about her.

And you're not only tolerating, but rewarding bad behavior.

Back to the beginning. You missed a lot.

What are you trying to fix?

If you say her or the relationship then you need another vacation from here.

You're making so many basic errors here that I can't even be bothered to list them. Even if I did you still wouldn't understand because your grasp of the fundamental concepts of MRP is maligned.

Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

MightBeNiceGuy · 2019-12-02T16:27:05+00:00

how I don't even communicate with her anymore.

Your wife is right. You're not communicating. You're pretending everything is A-OK when you're pissed she's sleeping in the guest room.

How have you communicated this to her?

All of what you wrote. ALL OF IT I have gone through with my wife.

And then fight begins where she screams at me that I'm punishing her, that everyone is trying to hurt her, she's holed up here to protect herself, that I don't respect her, that I'm not on her side, brings up shit from 9 years ago when I was very weak (yes mistakes were made). She says she doesn't like this new me, that I used to be nice and caring and now I'm selfish, and that whatever I'm doing is making things worse.

You need to start leading here instead of being a passive observer.

For me - these cycles became more intense and more frequent resulting in the near moving out and divorce (2x). You can avoid that by not being as stupid and autistic as I was.

tspitsatgp · 2019-12-03T01:23:51+00:00

Walking away is an option too.

After you’ve unfucked yourself to the extent that you can in your current setup,

RStonePT · 2019-12-04T21:11:54+00:00

Be slightly less invested in her, because you're living in a dream world

throwawaybpdnpd · 2019-12-01T23:07:34+00:00

Your wife has a mental health disorder.... most likely NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) or BPD (borderline personality disorder).

NPD and BPD women have to always feel in control otherwise they get a manic episode. Trying to build your frame here will not work

She checks MANY boxes... There is nothing you can get out of this relationship

If I were you I’d secretly lawyer up then run for the hills; be prepared for even worse coming

creating_my_life · 2019-12-01T19:30:22+00:00

Okay, there are 30 comments now. You had yet another puke, we all jumped over you saying "fix yourself".

What did you learn from this post and the replies?

What action are you going to take immediately to improve yourself?

What goal are you going to set for yourself?

BTW, I already encoded part of the answer here because I framed it in a "for you" kind of way. Otherwise you'd start puking again about "my wife blah blah blah." We don't give a fuck about your wife. We're asking about YOU.

SoloQueueXL · 2019-12-01T17:53:44+00:00

Your marriage is done. If you pay all the bills take a step back and realize your power. Your kids aren’t babies anymore it’s time to be more selfish.

Continue with your daily life and work towards moving out and development of better mindsets for your kids.

It’s time to break the news to her that your marriage is done and time to get a divorce.

Title	Help dealing with withdrawn checked-out and angry wife
Author	MightBeNiceGuy
Upvotes	24
Comments	116
Date	December 1, 2019 5:33 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/e4ki42/help_dealing_with_withdrawn_checkedout_and_angry/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/help-dealing-with-withdrawn-checked-out-and-angry.297366 https://theredarchive.com/post/297366

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