I got temp banned with a Rule 9 violation last week in OYS because I was whining about my wife moving back to the guest room again. I deserved it.
I need help though. I feel like I'm not making progress here and looking for some insight. The pattern that keeps repeating is that I take steps to lead my own life and my family and she feels "disrespected" that I'm not consulting her on every decision anymore. Then at some point I do something at I want or say no to her about something, and that triggers her victim mentality, she gets angry, lashes out, and moves to guest room. We become roommates at that point and basically she goes to "her room" after dinner, I get the kids to bed and we basically avoid each other the rest of the night. If I try to approach her room she'll yell at me to leave claiming that it's her space.
I reset every day, say good morning, sometimes make her a coffee or go for a hug. She ignores me and doesn't make eye contact. When I get home from work, I always greet everyone enthusiastically (which the kids love) and she doesn't even turn her head. I can feel the anger and resentment in the air. It sucks.
After a few weeks of this she'll make some comment about how I don't even communicate with her anymore. That makes me chuckle because of course she's the one withdrawn in the guest room. And then fight begins where she screams at me that I'm punishing her, that everyone is trying to hurt her, she's holed up here to protect herself, that I don't respect her, that I'm not on her side, brings up shit from 9 years ago when I was very weak (yes mistakes were made). She says she doesn't like this new me, that I used to be nice and caring and now I'm selfish, and that whatever I'm doing is making things worse.
The last couple cycles of this I try to provide comfort and end up caving to some of her demands to restore the peace. She comes back to the bedroom, we fuck once or twice, until the whole cycle repeats again after a few weeks of sexual denials and ramping up withdrawal of attention & dread.
Please help me see what I'm doing wrong and how I can break out of this loop.
Background: Married 10.5 years, 2 kids (7 and 3). Beta provider for all of our relationship until I had a crisis leading up to our 10 year anniversary and realized that I'm not getting what I want out of my relationship while her entitlement was soaring. Went rambo at the beginning, then retreated for a bit and things were better for a short time. Started lifting and exercising and am in best shape now since married. Took steps to build my own life outside of her -- bought a 2nd car so we each have independence, got an office so I'm out of the house every day, try to go to events and stuff after work when possible, pushing more of the kids/household duties on to her. My social life is lacking because I'm always working when not doing stuff with the kids/family.