Co-Parenting without the intention of living together?

Mrs_Drgree · 2021-10-29T19:49:30+00:00

Removed for off topic

Orange_Paisley · 2021-10-29T18:51:28+00:00

I am not having any more children but when we first got together my husband and I discussed the notion of getting a duplex and each living in half so we could have our own space but still be close to each other. I wouldn't think that would be so difficult on a kid, either.

We never did that though, we live together like normal people.

AquaChip · 2021-10-29T18:39:57+00:00

That sounds unnecessary complicated just adopt or get a surrogate and be a single dad.

xQueen-Bx · 2021-10-29T18:54:06+00:00

I would under no circumstances have an out of wedlock child

BMTEJ · 2021-10-29T18:37:14+00:00

[permanently deleted]

heyitsjeape · 2021-10-29T18:38:19+00:00

You are talking about a very niche scenario, engineered in a certain way…six years down the road? Do you have any understanding that life never works this way?

jbo99 · 2021-10-29T18:46:45+00:00

I think the “modern” version of co parenting is essentially exactly our conception of the two parent household but the couple just isn’t married. What you’re describing as an arrangement sounds bad for the child.

DreamsOfWishes · 2021-10-29T18:58:53+00:00

Euhm, you are kinda assuming like the 100% perfect situation here and you are not even thinking about the actual negative shit that can happen.

Like her going for 100% custody when you first agree to 50/50? How? That's not likely to happen even if she wanted it. How is she gonna fake proof that you are a bad parent without you two ever having lived together???

Anyhow: it's 18 years, it's a very long time and people's lives change. And if you are married or in a partnership and life throws a bomb, you can work that out together and one of you two can make sacrifices if need be.

For example your job. If you have a stressfull week, your partner can take on more work so that you can just focus on your work. If you do this arrangement, you need to manage work and your kid at the same time. There's a reason single parents complain. It's hard to combine work and being a single parent.

Another example: you might need to move and 50/50 kind of only works if you live close together. The kids life will be heavily impacted by having to switch schools constantly to maintain 50/50 or even having a 3hour commute to school to maintain that 50/50 and you can't control whether or not the other parent moves (they Cant always control it) and people move all the fucking time. So if she moves and you want to keep doing 50/50 without impacting the kid (which would be unfair of you to do considering you actively chose this as opposed to your marriage falling apart): you need to move too.

Speaking off... what if you get that dream promotion but it's in another state? The parent that leaves the state gets the least amount of custody. So it's your dream job and a lot of money but only seeing your kid every school vacation, which they eventually don't want to do because they want to hang with their friends too or you can't ever go after out of state promotions. While in a partnership, they would typically move with you. But nobody is doing that for someone they only co-parent with.

And all of those scenario's are assuming she's gonna stick around. You might be dealing with a momma that abandonnes her kids when they're 6 and then you have traumatized kids you need to deal with.

What if she gets into an abusive relationship (because let's be honest, you aren't going to get the best woman to agree to this situation) and your kids are going to be seeing that and maybe even get abused themselves. What if momma is the abuser? You ain't gonna get those kids removed before there is damage to them. The system ain't quick and you'll be trying to collect evidence without living together.

What if stepfather molests them? What if momma molests them? That could explain why she agreed to this. Shit is hard to find out even if you live together.

Like...you really have WAY too rose shaded glassess on.

rosesonthefloor · 2021-10-29T19:31:52+00:00

If you can’t trust a person enough to live with them, what makes you think you can trust them enough to raise a child with them?

deste_eloise · 2021-10-29T18:57:41+00:00

I’d potentially adopt a child in the future.

The scenario you’re describing isn’t that unlikely to happen. Although I’d want to live together at some point, but I don’t mind having my own space.

SaBahRub · 2021-10-29T18:45:40+00:00

Better than changing lanes halfway through

crookedsummer2019 · 2021-10-29T18:50:12+00:00

Finding someone who is on board with that is the challenge. What sort of relationship would you like to have with this person?

KirthWGersen · 2021-10-29T19:26:52+00:00

If I were starting again, that is exactly what I would go for.

It is the situation I am in now, after divorce, and I find it much better for all of us.

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NarniaFox · 2021-10-29T19:00:42+00:00

Not really.

Having a kid together with someone creates a bond between you that can be very hard (or even impossible) to break. In this case a kid is a mutual project and I see no reason to sign up to it with a person I don't want to spend my life with. If I decide to bear a man's child in my body, I'd clearly want us to be in love with each other, live together, be committed and married in the first place.

So if I didn't have a partner to have kids with, but wanted them anyway, I'd rather use donor's sperm. No legal complications, a donor has no legal rights on the kid and you also get the healthiest sperm that was checked for you.

I'm also not sure whether two parents living separately really do provide the same benefits that a full family does. How would you split parenting? Newborn stage? You wouldn't be able to move and the kid would be in a situation close to having divorced parents with shared custody.

vial_of_music · 2021-10-29T19:22:24+00:00

This suits better in a marriage sub

DerekMorganBAU · 2021-10-29T19:48:52+00:00

This is literally my situation right now without the bells and whistles of court mandates.

We live separate but I come through every night and we play house and shit and then I go home and repeat it all. Ground rules are that the condo I bought that has our daughter and my baby mama living in it is just that - for us. No rotating cast of characters going in and out of that shit. Everything outside of us stays on the outside. We don’t bring that shit around our daughter. And ofc another rule that she said was “That dick needs to keep coming for me” and I said okay.

It’s pretty chill but I have known my baby mama for 7 years now so of course we built a rapport

sublimemongrel · 2021-10-29T19:54:29+00:00

No, I’m a woman (currently pregnant btw) and I would a) never have a child with some man I barely have any sort of relationship with and b) would not want to do so if we weren’t married let alone without living together.

As a parent of a two year old and soon to be parent of two small kids, I am SO SO grateful for my 100% actively involved husband who is the father of my two kiddos. Just thinking of how folks handle being a single parent gives me anxiety. It is HARD with young children. I would imagine your proposed arrangement would maybe be a tad easier but still a lot more difficult than having someone you love and trust who is there every day by your side and equally sharing the parenting role.

As a side note, whatever contract you’re contemplating would be void at least as to custody. It could perhaps be used as some sort of documents to show intent/a bargaining chip for any custody agreement but custody is not determined by the parties’ wishes and if it was contested, every state follows the best interest of the child standard. Which is not to say 50/50 custody would be automatically off the table (it’s increasingly common these days and a few states have adopted it by default but WITH both parties consent), but your pre-conception contract isn’t going to be the deciding factor here.

CheeseMonger96 · 2021-10-29T21:07:27+00:00

How do you think this is going to work in the first 6 months of the child's life? This is a bad plan.

Title	Co-Parenting without the intention of living together?
Author	BMTEJ
Upvotes	1
Comments	60
Date	October 29, 2021 6:34 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/qijb76/coparenting_without_the_intention_of_living/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/co-parenting-without-the-intention-of-living.1081093 https://theredarchive.com/post/1081093

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