Role of a therapist

jingks_ · 2021-10-29T15:08:30+00:00

I’m a therapist. This is a controversial question within the therapy world and it varies from therapist to therapist. Some strongly take the position that clients need to come to their own conclusions and that we are not in the business of telling people how to live their lives — I generally subscribe to that for most situations.

However, when someone is in a situation where they are actively experiencing psychological harm — they are being manipulated and have lost all clarity — I do think therapists have a responsibility to be more directive because those clients need guidance. We have to help them get to a place where they can regain even their most basic sense of autonomy.

In my own experience on the other side of the couch, I was in couples counseling with a man who was blatantly abusive and in retrospect I’m honestly so pissed that the therapist didn’t take me aside and tell me to run. Instead she sat by passively and encouraged us to cOmMuNiCaTe.

On the other hand, I had another therapist who clearly told me: “This man keeps flipping the script on you, and you keep taking responsibility for everything. He has everything to gain, and you have everything to lose. That’s not a healthy pattern and it’s not likely to change.” It was so validating and such a relief to hear something I’d felt deep down but had been manipulated into questioning. It really empowered me to start getting out of that situation.

chamomilepill · 2021-10-29T14:55:45+00:00

I only had one male therapist. He encouraged me to break up with my NVX very clearly. He could see I was suffering and my ex's behaviours were abusive. I changed therapists because of different reasons, but he was decent.

He is a unicorn among the majority of shitty therapists. If a male or female therapist does not advice you to break up with your partner or AT LEAST call the behaviour what it is - abuse - change therapists.

shutup201 · 2021-10-29T13:20:09+00:00

You're not off base. Listen to your intuition. Plus, they get paid too much money to be impartial ears. I'm starting to approach all interactions through FDS lens, and if a therapist is not helping and guiding you to a better you, they shouldn't be in your life imo. So, good on your for leaving them.

Sunshine_Daisies2525 · 2021-10-29T15:36:09+00:00

My first therapist missed a childhood trauma, which led me to feel reassured and that everything was okay. It was a huge deal for me to tell her and she did nothing. This was very damaging, and delayed my coping process. After processing this trauma by myself, I recently had a therapist who was the opposite. She actively told me I deserved better from men, and was trauma informed. She could tell the difference between me talking negatively about myself because of low self-esteem, and me actually behaving badly, and reminded me to practice self-love.

I would do blood in the water tests with any new therapist. If they don’t recognize LV behavior from men and say something, I would move to someone else.

huevos_and_whiskey · 2021-10-29T13:40:49+00:00

That’s been my experience with therapists, as well. I commented on that thread and talked about some meditations one therapist had me do. It was a way to help me get in touch with what my own instincts were telling me about the situation. Come to think of it, that was the most involved a therapist has ever gotten. My other experiences with therapists they were more the sit back and listen type. From what I understand, their focus is supposed to be the patient, and they can’t assess other people in that person’s life, especially if the therapist hasn’t met those people. It’s up to each therapist’s interpretation how much that extends to giving direct advice.

shockingupdate · 2021-10-29T13:42:38+00:00

I slogged through four other therapists before finding a good therapist, and all four of them did the same as you’re describing. 🙃 A good therapist will be actively invested in helping you live your best life, which for them would mean asking you clarifying questions that help you arrive at the right choices for yourself; coaching you to notice when you’re thriving vs coping and what to do about it; gently holding you accountable when you go no-contact on a toxic relationship; or at the very least, acting as a stand-in for a loved one who would commiserate with you and give you an outside-looking-in reality check. My therapist does all of those things for me. She points out when I’m taking on someone else’s shit and gives me “permission” to walk away when I don’t think I can or should.

dkwantsdk · 2021-10-29T16:28:17+00:00

My therapist is quite blunt with me, and I actively encourage her to do so and thank her when we have a back and forth as it helps me process my feelings. For example, when she told me it's not appropriate nor my job to manage my mom's trauma, I laughed and "argued" with her that there's no way that's true. She repeated the truth while I flailed and flopped and cried. I couldn't have processed unless she stood firm in what is a healthy relationship. She didn't tell me what to do, she just pulled away the curtain and was a solid rock and a lighthouse while I worked through my stormy emotions after the revelation (which is an ongoing process of course). Only AFTER did she guide me in making my own boundaries.

My recommendation is to be explicit with your therapist in what you want them to give you. Remember YOU are paying THEM. This is purely a professional relationship. If they can't provide that, if that's not their style, then move to another therapist. Are you with a therapist right now? Read this exact post to her. Tell her your concerns. If you are looking, do the same. Your bad experiences have taught you what you need. This post is your template.

Aviendah_Fan_Club · 2021-10-29T13:12:53+00:00

Yes these are 🚩🚩🚩 for a therapist.

highoncatnipbrownies · 2021-10-29T15:42:47+00:00

My experience with therapists has been that they encourage relationships over everything else. I was being emotionally abused by an ex but the therapist discouraged boundaries and actually suggest lying or fabricating situations to have space instead of just demanding it. Any idea that the relationship wasn't good for me was squashed...

swaylyn · 2021-10-29T16:34:43+00:00

I COMPLETELY agree with you OP. I’ve also had a similar experience.

My old therapist lacked significant experience -professionally and personally- (time should rectify that for her) it was posts on FDS about vetting therapist that had me start to realize I need to pay more attention to mine and realize she wasn’t any good for me. I have some slight anger towards her skill level and mindset and how that kept me in a situation longer than I should have been there. She took my LVx side or tried to humanize him when I would speak on the disrespect and question what was happening in my relationship. I shouldn’t have to educate my therapist and keep her on track.

My advice to you OP is to ask future therapists what their focus is in, how many years of experience they hold, and what methods they use.

I switched to a trauma focused therapist (because time to tackle some childhood trauma) and it’s new but I’m enjoying my time with her so far.

Good luck OP! Having a suitable therapist is insanely important we are putting our trust in them…

myeggsarebig · 2021-10-29T16:56:07+00:00

It really depends on the modality. With a psychoanalyst, for example, they are 💯 your advocate and don’t say a whole lot. The idea is that you will hear yourself and make your own connections.

CBT, is cognitive behavior therapist and that’s where you’re more likely to hear their opinion from a CBT perspective.

Look for a therapist who has their own therapist as those therapist are less likely to experience counter transference.

IgetUsernameScraps · 2021-10-29T16:34:29+00:00

“you don’t deserve to be screamed at in your own home”

You’re right, they’re supposed to help you examine the whys. Not a therapist, but I have to take “therapeutic communication” classes and you’re not supposed to tell anyone what to do or insert your opinion. I’m not sure about domestic violence, but I believe they’re obligated to intervene if you want to hurt yourself or someone else.

What they should say is exploratory, something like, “do you think it’s appropriate for someone to speak to you that way?” or “how does X behavior make you feel?”

Amazing_Wolverine_37 · 2021-10-29T17:40:28+00:00

As a trained therapist whom has worked extensively with couples, I think we're differently yoked in many ways. Many of us are aware within our personal and professional lives that challenging a victim can be negatively impactful and we are generally advised to not give hard advice. Many of us bristle against the "expert" role but I think the pendulum is honestly moving towards the center. My own trauma history makes me more expressive and honest than many of my colleagues. While I love the policy of unconditional positive regard the waters get murky around intimate relationships. It is true that a straight shooter/challenging counselor is rare but from what I understand they are very popular.

Platipus6 · 2021-10-29T22:10:57+00:00

If someone is in such a dire situation that they think they need therapy and actually follow through with researching, booking and attending an appointment and starts describing abuse, I dunno. I think the therapists should realise the person is in a vulnerable or confused state and give assertive care. They don't know they're being abused. They're not saying "I'm being abused". I really think the onus is on therapists to point out abuse specifically.

Much like when a patient comes to the ER with a gaping leg wound but the person is in shock. Would the doctor listen, ask them how they feel, walk them through diagnosing themselves?

Maybe try a DV website or shelter. They probably have better resources and contacts.

AdmiralRando · 2021-10-29T18:29:38+00:00

I had a therapist who helped me to very bluntly face my paranoia about my ex following me (is it paranoia if it’s happened over and over?) That was helpful.

But I was also encouraged to be more positive. Which wasn’t that helpful.

I had been a stay-at-home mom with no education and no access to money for a decade and a half and I was bailing out on my whole life to get away from this guy. I took my kids with me to my parents, but I had to flee there, too.

I was well and truly fucked. It kind of irritated me that I wasn’t allowed to say, “I am well and truly fucked”. It wasn’t the power of positive thinking that got me out of there. It was the power of negative thinking. I knew that, no matter what, I would not be dealing with his shit anymore. That’s it. That’s all I had.

I’ve spent the last handful of years unfucking myself. I got a degree and (barely) a living wage. Got a kind dude who actually likes me. I have thoughts about the future now (because I finally have choices), so I’m far better off than I was. But that toxic positivity still bothers the shit out of me.

“Looking at the bright side” is what got me into that fucking mess. “Forgiving” and “assuming the best” kept me trapped. So the idea of “reframing the situation in a more positive view” gives me hives. No thanks. :shudder:

I have been feeling like I should shop for a new therapist…is there a website where you can sort them by chipperness? :D

aquietsword · 2021-10-29T19:38:36+00:00

I had your experience. I think it's why I stopped going. It's too expensive if all they're going to do is listen to me talk lol. I'm pretty introspective so I was hoping that there would be more guidance and a bit more of a hands on approach. I'm good at not taking other people's opinions and making them my own, but when I'm working through something it helps to hear it. I do hope to find a therapist I like at some point though because I think mental health should be part of regular Healthcare and it feels like something I would want to incorporate into my schedule from time to time rather than only when I'm in dire need.

No_Homework3672 · 2021-10-29T13:29:25+00:00

I think you've got the instinct to do your own studies on the matters, and maybe vent to a therapist on the side if needed? I've just got a good book in that may help the self discovery path - "Breaking negative thinking patterns" by Gitta Jacob. There is another book that follows the same type of therapy (Schema) called "Breaking negative relationship patterns" by Bruce A Stevens. Hope this may help.

sacchilax · 2021-10-29T22:28:45+00:00

I had a marriage therapist that I was seeing with my ex. We started off together, but it became clear to them that joint sessions were not beneficial. So we did individual sessions with the therapist. Then the individual sessions turned into two days a week for him- one day for me. All through my individual sessions with the therapist I told this therapist of the things he was doing (which of course escalated once we started therapy). It was so bad that I was actively texting the therapist at all times as well as calling them to tell them that things were bad and I didnt think I could do it anymore. They continued to tell me to stay. I asked the therapist point blank if this person was a narcissist and was basically given the runaround of "I cant diagnose just now". I felt like i was 99.99999% there of this person is a psycho but I just could NOT get the confirmation from the therapist!

THANKFULLY my ex did his usual cycle of devaluation of saying he wanted a divorce BUT he messed up and said it in our emergency joint therapy session that I had requested. This was my BREAK. because there was another witness to his words. It wasn't all in my mind. In those three days he left (again-- his cycle) I called other therapists and met a great one who told me point blank on the phone that HE WAS A NARCISSIST. There was no diagnosis to be had. No questions. No sense that I could be overreacting. They were very very clear just from my 5 minute spiel of "why are you seeking counseling?".

I say all that to say, there are good therapists out there and there are bad. In the end TRUST YOURSELF. Note how you feel. Your body will tell you something before your mind will. If something is off, it is off. And guess what-- if you trust yourself and leave a great person bc it's all in your mind (which NEVER HAPPENS). Then you are literally the definition of a myth.

randomgirl34861 · 2021-10-31T18:07:11+00:00

I’m licensed as a therapist and I never gave “advice” because I know I’m only getting one side of the story. As much as I trust that client and they seem rational, I need to be grounded in the fact that I’m only getting one side because I could end up validating things that aren’t in their best interest.

The example that comes to mind is one involving my aunt. She struggles a lot with her mental health and is in and out of treatment centers. For several years, she worked at a restaurant owned by another family member of ours. One day, after being questioned about pills she had left out in the open in the employee area, she impulsively quit and made a big scene in front of customers. (She had a great job there. She was able to completely pick her schedule, able to go off to treatment any time with little notice and have her shifts covered *and** being paid $15 an hour plus tips… practically unheard of because waitresses always get between $2 and $4 an hour but my other family member was giving her more to help her out). Her therapist gave her advice like *No employer should be able to go through your belongings and make you feel judged for taking medication…. She left the pills out and she was abusing them. She was visibly high and our other family member was worried about her and asked in private, in the back of the restaurant, what the pills were and if she was okay. But she took that gentle confrontation and twisted it when describing it to the therapist. The therapist told her how it was okay to cut off people, like the other family member who owns the restaurant, if they don’t respect your boundaries so she went and told this other family member her therapist said not to talk to her anymore. The other family member even apologized for reading the containers of pills that were left out in an attempt to fix the relationship, but she wouldn’t hear any of it because her therapist said she “didn’t have to”. The unfortunate reality of the job is that you can’t be sure of how much mental illness is warping the person’s perception of events and interactions in their life. So, in order to serve the client best, you can’t always give them the advice you want to give them.

CloacaDiddler · 2021-10-30T11:49:55+00:00

I’m not too thrilled with my therapist for this reason. She’s very very nice, and I would value her insight, but she hasn’t really had any input honestly, and while getting things off the chest can also be helpful, I feel kind of like I’m talking to the air and I can do that much cheaper on the couch with my cat

Title	Role of a therapist
Author	loraren
Upvotes	217
Comments	35
Date	October 29, 2021 1:09 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qicg5k/role_of_a_therapist/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/role-of-a-therapist.1081138 https://theredarchive.com/post/1081138

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